by Simon Rumney
Everyone in the upper classes liked him and thought of him as a well-adjusted, extroverted young man with excellent prospects for marriage. He made them all laugh with his clever observations and in the company of Cambridge society he behaved himself completely. Many of the up-and-coming society girls found him extremely attractive; on the other hand, he felt they couldn’t be interested in someone as pathetic as him. This frustrating impasse caused deadlock because the custom in polite society prevented a lady from approaching a man.
Many very eligible girls were deeply disappointed by his lack of response to their subtle displays of interest and they all assumed that he was too busy pursuing academic success to concern himself with romance. No one had any idea that behind his powerful personality lurked a sad little boy completely terrified of letting anyone close enough to see the real him.
When he mingled with the local working people in the taverns of Cambridge however, he behaved very differently. Robert was turning to wine more and more as a means of silencing the doubts that constantly lingered within him and on one memorable occasion, while enjoying a drink with Endicott and his teammates, he met Nell.
About two years older than him and stunning in appearance she had intelligent, very pale blue eyes and equally pale, almost white skin. As a maid in the household of one of the college deans she had only one day off each fortnight and as always she was using her precious time to have a drink with friends.
Robert noticed the girl as she walked into the tavern but other than longing to be wanted by someone so lovely, had not given her any thought because he knew that she could never find him attractive. He did not yet know it but Nell was from London and not as shy as the local Cambridge girls. She knew what she wanted and had complete confidence in her ability to attract the men she desired.
Nell had been giving off all the signals that usually worked for her and was a little surprised that he had not responded to any of them. Curious, she eventually walked over to Robert, who by this time was quite drunk, and while standing behind him, said in her broad cockney accent, “’allow good lookin.”
Robert looked at his friends to see which one she was talking to but they all stared past him towards the girl without replying. He turned to look at the source of the voice and found himself looking into a pair of beautifully, smiling eyes. In disbelief he asked, “Are you talking to me?”
“Yeah I am ’ansome. Dya wanna buy me a drink then?”
She was a vision to look at and Robert could not believe what was happening. “Yes I would like to buy you a drink, what would you like?”
“Gin, luv!”
“Certainly, please excuse me while I go to the bar.”
As he left to purchase the drinks the other lads gave her a playful ribbing which Nell responded to with good humor.
“Be gentle with him, old girl,” said one.
“He’s a virgin, you know?” added another.
“Don’t you young gentlemen pay no mind to what I’m going to do to your friend, suffice to say he won’t be disappointed.” Nell winked and burst into a raucous laughter.
Robert returned with a gin which he handed to Nell and a pint for each of his companions.
“Ain’t ya gonna tell me ya name then?”
“Of course … Sorry … How rude of me … My name is Robert … May I ask yours?”
Robert was obviously having trouble communicating with a woman, and he was still unable to understand why someone so lovely was showing interest in him; but he liked the feelings of self-assurance her attention stirred within.
“Nell.” The gin was downed in a second. “Let’s get out of ’eer luvvy!”
“What do you mean?” he asked completely unsure how to deal with the situation before him.
“Let’s go for a walk by the river!”
He looked at his trusted teammates for advice and to a man they all said, “Go on Pishiobury — what are you waiting for, a bloody formal invitation?”
Leaving the pub they walked the short distance to the river and Robert could think of nothing to say. He thought about making a joke but even his playground character deserted him.
“I know a nice little spot I do,” said Nell. “We won’t be disturbed there.”
Leading him by the hand she seemed able to see in the dark. Nell had obviously been to her little spot, as she called it, many times and needed no light to find it. Once there she lay down in the long grass and playfully beckoned for him to join her.
“Shall I lay my jacket on the ground for you? The grass is damp and your back will get wet.” Robert was very excited and making nervous conversation to hide his lack of experience in these matters.
“It ain’t me back what’s gonna get wet darlin!” said Nell laughing raucously. She was a little drunk and more than a little excited by the prospect of deflowering such a good looking toff.
Robert lowered himself down to lie beside her and she took complete control of his sex education. Clumsily exploring Nell’s body he became lost in the wonder of sexual expression. Obviously experienced, Nell did things with her mouth that boggled his mind and the touch of her skin coupled with the smell of her body gave Robert a fantastic escape through sexual pleasure.
After what seemed like hours spent caressing her wonderful form, Nell guiding him into her and Robert felt somehow validated as every positive emotion he had ever experienced came to life. At the moment of climax he fell gently upon Nell in a state of complete exhaustion. Robert’s mind had never been so totally occupied at any stage in his life and no fear or trepidation had been allowed to enter his thoughts for the seven minutes her act of seduction had taken.
While they both enjoyed the experience thoroughly each saw what they had just done in a completely different way. He found the pleasure of lovemaking intoxicating while she had enjoyed a quick “shag” with a posh bloke.
Poor innocent Robert interpreted her interest in him as a miraculous breakthrough in his life but Nell saw it as another roll in the grass. At the end of her act of purely hedonistic pleasure Nell stood up pulled up her knickers and brushed her skirt clean of any telltale blades of grass.
Robert lay on his back with his eyes closed savoring the wonderful feelings welling up inside him.
“Goodnight darlin!” was all Robert heard as she walked briskly away.
Opening his eyes he jumped to his feet and called after her, “When will I see you again Nell?”
There was no reply she had disappeared into the night. He called out her name once more but Nell was completely gone so he lay back down on the flattened grass exhausted. The feeling of being with a woman had been all consuming and her attention, however fleeting, made him feel worthy. Like all people who look into themselves and find nothing to love, Robert found a way to falsely interpret their physical act of lust as a thing of value. With no regard for her obvious lack of any emotional attachment for him, he fell in love with his image of Nell. So desperately in need of the approval of a beautiful woman he clung to the little she had given him like an emotional life-raft.
At every opportunity Robert returned to the tavern in the hope of seeing his Nell once more and her two-week absence allowed his imagination to construct a divine, almost Goddess-like character. When they eventually met for the second time he was deeply in love with someone who had never existed. It was so hard for him to reconcile the fact that Nell only just recognized him. She was drinking with another university student and it was clear that the grass on the riverbank was going to be flattened again, but not by him.
Robert ran from the tavern with the agony of rejection pulsing throughout his body. His defensive mind hopelessly unable to make sense of Nell’s rebuttal. Sitting by the moonlit river Robert’s pain morphed into anger as he created another less-flattering fantasy character for Nell.
What began as a loathing of Nell transformed itself to a detestation of women. His disturbed logic coming to the conclusion that Mrs Putnham was a woman and she had caused him terrible pain, t
herefore all woman cause pain. The fact that his beloved mother and Nanny were women was entirely overlooked by his warped mind and his misguided perception of such a large part of the human population caught him on the horns of a dilemma. Robert found the act of sex all consuming and he wanted more, but unless he was to become like the boys who shared a bed with each other he was going to have to find a way to communicate with members of the very gender he now distrusted and loathed completely.
Robert’s unleashed sexual desires drove him to overcome both his fear of rejection and newfound hatred of women. Like an actor in a play he adapted his amusing character to fool the working class girls into believing he was attractive. As long as he imagined someone else was doing the talking he found the confidence to entice his victims onto the riverbank. Then at the very moment he finished his purely physical act Robert’s manner became unfeeling and cold.
Running away from his shameful deed Robert left the girls to deal with their own confused emotions. He could muster no sympathy for his victims because anyone who cared for him must be just as worthless as he believed himself to be.
Ironically, Robert never pushed a girl against her will, a simple, “no,” always stopped him dead in his tracks because in the deepest part of himself he was still a truly decent human being.
Julia
Every year the May Balls brought Cambridge alive. The University and each college laid on the most lavish affair and everyone who was anyone traveled the length and breadth of England to attend. Daughters were brought out at such occasions. Eligible young men from the wealthiest families were in abundance and this is the place where a good many of the aristocracy had been making their matches for generations. In a culture so obsessed with courtship it was inevitable that Robert would one day find real love with a member of his own class and when it happened his confused but functioning world was shaken to the core.
Colleges held regattas each year to coincide with the season of balls and Robert was the star of Kings. Having just finished rowing in the final his eight were celebrating their victory by throwing their diminutive cox into the Cam. Having waded in to retrieve his colleague Robert helped his teammates lift the polished wooden boat out of the water. In mid lift he caught sight of a lovely young woman standing on the bank watching him and while drinking in her powerful presence unknown parts of his mind came rushing into life.
Her translucent blue eyes were framed sweetly by strawberry blonde hair which flowed with a natural wave over her well-formed shoulders. She seemed so familiar to Robert it was like gazing upon himself but he was sure that he had never seen this beautiful girl before. He could not stop walking because they carried the boat above their heads as a team, but as soon as it was placed on its rack he returned to the riverbank to look at her again. Try as he might Robert could not find the young woman, so with a twinge of sadness he returned to the dressing rooms to change.
During the spectacular ball at Kings, that same night, Robert sat with his parents and Miss Parks at a round table in the vast pink and white marquee. This year as every year it was erected on the wonderfully groomed lawns by the river and lit by flaming torches set on the top of poles driven into the ground. Lord and Lady Pishiobury thoroughly enjoyed the obvious popularity of the Cambridge version of their son. Every master made a point of introducing themselves.
Both the boys and masters seemed to adore him and Mr Woods positively sung his academic praise. Not bad when they considered his beginnings. Their heart-wrenching decision to return him to Spellbrook now seemed completely justified. Lady Pishiobury and Miss Parks knew that Robert’s personality was a compromise. A mother and a Nanny can always feel fear as deep as Roberts, but he was functioning in society and that counted for a great deal.
Much to Lady Pishiobury’s delight, Robert showed interest in an extremely eligible young lady during dinner. As one of England’s premier socialites, she had absolutely no trouble identifying the daughter of another well-established family.
“That my dear is the daughter of Lord and Lady Martin — your father and I know them well — they have both attended functions at Pishiobury.”
“Have I met them before Mother?” asked Robert a little taken aback by her obvious enthusiasm.
“No darling. I believe you were at school during their visits.”
Lady Pishiobury had never pushed Robert towards a match before. She wanted to protect him from any additional complication for as long as possible, but now she believed he was of the age where he must think about marriage and an heir to the Pishiobury name.
Robert was mesmerized by the emotions generated by just his second, brief sighting of the girl but he feared the pain these feeling were going to cause him in the long run. Around women his senses were becoming more and more predatory but this young lady sparked a desire to protect her from men such as himself. Anyway it’s all academic, reasoned Robert defensively, one as lovely as she could never be interested in someone like him but, even so, he was compelled to ask his mother for more information.
“What is her name Mother?” he asked attempting to sound nonchalant.
“Julia my dear and she is simply divine. I will introduce you if you wish.”
“No thank you mother. I was merely curious that is all; I do not believe that she will be interested in meeting someone like me.”
Lady Pishiobury’s heart bled for her darling son but Nanny seemed quite relieved. He was clearly interested in the girl but so totally afraid of meeting her. Observing much more than simple shyness his mother watched Robert stealing glances at Julia during the course of the evening. She also noticed that her friend’s daughter could not stop looking back at him in return. Julia was obviously as interested as he was and even more obviously frustrated because Robert would not acknowledge her.
When the dinner ended and the many waiters and waitresses cleared the tables all guests moved out on to the lawns to stand by the river and enjoy the balmy evening weather. When Lady Martin walked by with her family, Lady Pishiobury quite deliberately caught her eye and asked, “How are you this good evening?”
“We are well thank you,” replied Lady Martin. “We are enjoying the ball immensely.”
“I am very pleased to hear it.” Lady Pishiobury turned to Robert, “I do not believe that you have met our son, may I take this opportunity to introduce Robert?”
“Good evening to you Robert,” said Lady Martin through a beaming smile; then much to poor Julia’s embarrassment added, “I must confess that I already know who you are because Julia asked me to enquire after observing you during your fine boat race, this afternoon.”
The poor humiliated Julia turned bright red and looked at Lady Martin as every child looks at their mother in such circumstances. Much to her obvious relief it became Robert’s turn to changed color when his mother replied, “That is such a coincidence because Robert was asking about Julia during dinner.”
Observing his discomfort Julia instinctively helped the young man by breaking the ice. Through a beaming smile she said, “Good evening Robert.”
“Good evening to you. May I ask how you are this evening?” Robert politely bowed his head slightly as he spoke.
“I am extremely well, thank you. I watched your splendid victory today, you row very well.”
“Thank you. Are you at all interested in rowing?” Robert was surprised by his ability to find the words to talk lucidly with a woman of his own class — something he had never been able to do before.
“My brothers row,” replied Julia her eyes fastened on Robert’s.
The connection between their two offspring was instantaneous and as Robert and Julia continued to speak all four parents slowly walked away leaving them to get to know each other. Nothing would please both families more than a marriage. It was very early days yet but the first step had been made and the mothers were both very satisfied with their work to date. Miss Park was not happy about their meeting however; she harbored strong feelings of foreboding. It was as though
a mistake was about to be repeated and she knew that nothing good was going to come of this union.
The evening spent in each other’s company melted away. Robert behaved in a natural unguarded fashion with someone outside of the Pishiobury estate for the first time in his life and was charming in every way. Julia enjoyed his company as they walked arm in arm along the riverbank until the sunrise brought a low mist onto the river’s surface. “We should return to the ball,” said Julia reluctantly.
“Yes, of course. Allow me to escort you back.”
As they approached the marquee, still full of people dancing to the music played by a large orchestra, Robert and Julia could not let go of each other’s hand as they effortlessly joined the throng.
“Quite splendid,” said Lord Martin.
“Splendid indeed,” replied Lord Pishiobury.
Both fathers were very happy but Lord Pishiobury was also completely relieved. He remembered the anguish on the day of his shooting party so many years before and marveled at his son’s apparently normal behavior. Both mothers were also beside themselves with happiness. There was a good chance that a society wedding may have to be organized and nothing would please them more.
On the following day the mothers blatantly engineered another meeting, arranging for both the Pishioburys and the Martins to be invited to lunch at a mutual friend’s home. Yet again, Robert and Julia spent all of their time together walking in the grounds of the wonderful stately home talking and laughing.
Working with military precision thereafter the mothers planned each day of the week that Julia was to remain in Cambridge. Lunches, dinners, walks, picnics, punting, horse rides, anything that would place one child with the other. They became inseparable so, when the day came for the Martin family to return to their home, they both felt a terrible sadness.
“I will write to you my darling,” were Julia’s tear-filled parting words as she blew a kiss from the coach window.