by Jay Allisan
“Shirley—”
“I’ll see you tonight!”
I hurried out of the lounge and down the stairs, not stopping until I reached the fourth floor. I locked myself in the private bathroom and slumped against the door, squeezing my eyes shut. Breathe. Just breathe, nice and deep and slow. I could do this. For Max. For Max.
I jumped at a heavy bang against the door. Paddy’s voice came through the wood. “Open up, Shirley. We gotta talk.”
“Go away. This is the ladies’ room.”
“So you can imagine how stupid I look right now. Open the door.”
I grabbed the counter and dragged myself up. I splashed water on my face, letting my eyes fall shut again. They flew open when Paddy pounded on the door. “Dammit, Shirley! Open up!”
I flipped the lock and cracked the door open, and Paddy barged right in. “What the hell is going on with you?” he demanded. “Do I gotta tell Dixon you need off the case?”
“It’s not the case,” I snapped. “It’s…” I pressed my mouth shut. “It’s none of your business.”
“Don’t try and tell me my partner isn’t my business. Whatever you’re trying to bottle up is leaking out, and it’s affecting your ability to do your job. This is the last time I’m gonna ask. What is going on?”
“I’m. Fine.”
“Yeah, whatever. Fuck you too.”
He stormed out of the bathroom, already palming a cigarette. I stuck my whole head under the faucet and let the water wash everything away.
JOSIE AND Whale were in the office when I finally made my way back. Neither commented on my dripping hair.
“You hear about that explosion?” Josie asked. “Crazy, right? It sounds like the house is totally gone.”
“Yeah. I was there.” I shared all the details, including Maria. “Max has her now. He was going to pick up some shoes and stuff. She doesn’t have anything.”
“And the mother?” Whale asked.
“Maria said she was inside. There won’t be much left to find.”
Josie grimaced. “Poor kid.”
I changed the subject. “Any luck at Nadine’s school, or with Megan?”
“Nothing so far,” Josie said. “We’re cross-referencing lists of employees and combing everyone’s phone records. But you guys had a better lead with Emily?”
“We thought so. Maybe. The guy I was interviewing couldn’t help, but maybe Paddy… well, you’d have to ask him.”
Whale coughed, sharing a fleeting glance with Josie. My skin prickled at the exchange.
“I’ve got an idea, though,” I said, before I could dwell on it. “If he’s after Maria and we’ve got her, we don’t need to find him. He’ll come find us.”
“You want to bait him,” Whale said.
“Exactly.”
Josie frowned. “But you said he took his phone number back.”
“There’s another way,” I said. “We can reach him through a press conference.”
I paced in front of the computer bay, thinking out loud. “We know he was at the scene because he took the phone number back, and he would have stuck around to watch, I’m sure of it. He would have seen me with Maria. I’m the last person he would have seen with Maria, so if I do a press conference and he recognizes me, he’ll listen to what I say. We can send him into a trap and this’ll all be over. We could have him by the end of tomorrow.”
The thought flooded me with relief, and I smiled. I turned back to Josie and Whale, anticipating their support. Neither seemed as enthused as I was. “What? You don’t think it would work?”
“It’s a good idea,” Josie said slowly. “But—”
“It’s a great idea.” I looked at Whale. “You’re the one who says this guy’s psychologically attached to the girls. He’ll be going crazy wondering what’s happening with Maria, but he won’t be able to come after her until we get a message out to him, otherwise it would blow his cover story out of the water. A press conference is perfect.”
“We’re not disagreeing,” Whale said. He looked apologetic. “We just think perhaps someone else should speak to the media.”
My eyes narrowed. “What?”
Josie touched my arm. “We know you’ve got a lot going on right now—”
I shook her off. “Yeah? What the hell do you know?”
She winced. I glared at them both. “You guys have a code word or something? Look out, Shirley’s going down the rabbit hole? For the last goddamn time, I’m fine.”
“No,” Whale said quietly. “You’re not fine. We’re concerned.”
“If you’re trying to get me off the case—”
“We’re concerned about you,” Josie said. She reached for me again but I stepped back. She smiled sadly. “There’s no judgement, Shirley. We just want what’s best for you. Call Tish. It’ll help.”
I stalked out of the office and called a cab instead.
27
I TOOK the cab to the outskirts of my neighborhood and walked the rest of the way. The summer sun was still strong in the sky, and the air was scented with lilac bushes and smokey barbecue. I tried to focus on the flowers. Charring meat hit a little close to home.
I was overreacting. I knew it. And I knew how to address it. I was supposed to talk to Tish when work got heavy. I was supposed to tell Dixon if I needed to step back. Most of all, I was supposed to rely on Max to help steer me through the storm. Instead I was lashing out at the people trying to help me. I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but it didn’t make it any easier to do the right one.
By the time I trudged up my street I was too tired to be defensive any longer. All I wanted was to curl up with Max and call it a night. Tomorrow would be easier. We’d run a sting, bag the kidnapper, and this would all be over.
When I opened the apartment door I had the sickening feeling I was wrong.
High-spirited singalong music hit me like a wave. I blinked, then nearly tripped over the small pink shoes lying haphazard in the entrance. Spaghetti sauce simmered on the stove, fun-shaped pasta noodles draining in a colander in the sink. The hallway was flooded with shopping bags. I followed the trail numbly to the living room, where Maria knelt on the floor, building a tower out of Lego. Max sat on the couch behind her, pulling a comb through her hair.
I stood speechless at the edge of the room. Max glanced up. “Hi, sweetheart,” he mumbled around a mouthful of hair clips. “Just give me a… hold still, kiddo, I’m almost done.”
Deftly he clipped her hair back in two small pigtails, then reached his hand in front of her mouth. “Spit it out, Maria.”
Maria pouted, but spat a green Lego block into his hand. Max crouched in front of her and held up the offending block. “You promised me you wouldn’t put the Legos in your mouth. Do I need to take them away?”
“NO!” Maria screamed.
“I can’t hear you if you’re screaming, kiddo. Are Legos for building or for eating?”
Maria glared at him balefully. Max said, “Do you want Legos for supper? Spaghetti and Legos?”
“Spaghetti and meatballs,” Maria said sulkily.
“Then don’t put the Legos in your mouth, okay? If you do it again I’ll take them away.”
He gave her the Lego block and she snapped it on the tower. He smoothed back a stray curl. “Couple more minutes, Maria. Then spaghetti and meatballs.”
She nodded, intent on her building. Max stood, turned down the music, and then turned to me expectantly. I didn’t even breathe, I was so scared of what would come out of my mouth. His eyes softened and he opened his arms. “Come here.”
My chest hitched in a sudden sob and he came to me instead. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s okay. It’s all right.”
I buried my face in his neck. “I can’t do it, Max, I can’t, I can’t…”
“You can. I know this happened really fast and I know it’s scary, but you’re doing great, Shirley. You really are.”
I wasn’t doing great. I was in over my head and everyone was watching me flo
under. Max kissed my forehead, then my lips.
“I love you,” he said, “and I believe in you. You can handle this.”
“I’m trying,” I whispered.
“I know. We’ll get through this together.” He kissed me, kissed me until I kissed him back. “We’ll talk more tonight, okay? Once Maria’s looked after.”
I squeezed him tight, as if I could borrow his strength. “What can I do?”
“Can you get the meatballs out of the oven? I’ll set the table and put Maria in her booster seat.”
“Her what?” I began, but Max was already in motion. By the time I’d gotten the meatballs out of the oven and mixed with the pasta sauce, he had Maria parked in a butterfly-print booster seat, sipping a glass of chocolate milk. I settled in my usual chair, eyeing Maria warily. She was perfectly happy to ignore me. She squealed at the meatball pyramid Max built for her, laughed when he drew a milk mustache on his face, and even ate her salad at his patient coaxing.
When it was time to clean up I volunteered to take the kitchen. Max brought Maria into the bathroom, and soon the apartment echoed with splashes and high-pitched shrieks. I’d caught a glimpse of the toys Max hauled to the tub, and I imagined the multi-colored school of fish was a big hit.
Then came a sound I’d never heard before. Max was singing. I listened, the simple melody swelling something inside me. He was so happy. He was doing an amazing thing for a traumatized child and it wasn’t fair for me to bring him down, bring them both down, with something that wasn’t their problem. I looked at the platoon of shopping bags, at the little pink shoes, at the booster seat. My first thought on walking into the apartment had been that there was no way Maria would use it all before.
Before she left.
But there was no before and after, not for Max. He might not have even realized it yet, but he wanted to keep her. And why not? She was an orphan. She needed him.
I needed him too. And I needed him to be happy.
I scrubbed viciously at the saucepan, cementing the conviction in my mind. If this was what he wanted then I’d support him, and when he asked, I’d be ready.
MAX SNAPPED the sheet across the bed, covering Maria where she sat in the center of the mattress. He pretended not to notice. She giggled, and he beamed at me. I stuffed a pillow into a fresh case, caught somewhere between edgy and amused. I’d never seen Max so goofy, and his good humor was contagious.
He tucked in a comforter and sat on the bed, patting the covers experimentally. “Hmmm, there’s something under here. I wonder what it could be?”
Maria giggled, the blankets shaking. Max gestured me over. I hesitated, then sat tentatively beside him.
He prodded Maria. “What do you think, Shirley? Do you think it’s some kind of wild animal?”
The lump under the blankets wriggled, stifling laughter. Max nodded in encouragement. I said, “It must have escaped from the zoo. Maybe it’s an elephant.”
“Or a tiger,” Max said.
“Or a monkey.”
“Or a crocodile!”
“It’s me!” Maria cried gleefully. She burst free from her hiding spot and jumped into Max’s arms. She pressed her face against his neck and let him rock her.
“Okay, crazy crocodile,” he said, when she began to droop. “It’s time for bed.”
Maria shook her head.
“Even wild animals need to sleep, kiddo. Come on. Let’s tuck you in.”
And just like that big tears were rolling down Maria’s cheeks.
“Where’s Mama?” she whimpered. “I want my mama.”
Max bit his lip, suddenly at a loss. He stroked his hand through her hair. “Maria…”
She jerked away from him, pounding on him with little fists when he wouldn’t let her go, crying, “Mama! Mama!” until Max was crying too, holding her so tightly she almost disappeared.
“I’m sorry,” he choked. “I’m so sorry, Maria, but your mama’s gone, she’s in heaven now…”
“Mamaaa!” Maria wailed, and Max just broke down. Before I knew what I was doing I had Maria on my hip, walking with her in slow circles around the bedroom. She sobbed into my shoulder, fisting her hands in my hair. I rubbed her back, saying words I didn’t know I had.
“Your mama’s an angel now, Maria, with a beautiful white dress and big wings and a halo. She’s watching over you. She’s your guardian angel.”
Maria sniffled. “But I want her to be my mama.”
“She’ll always be your mama. She loves you so much. She asked me to give you this.” I hugged her, and she clung to me tightly.
I carried her to the bed. Max folded back the blankets and we tucked her in. Max handed her a stuffed panda.
“We’re right here,” he whispered, kissing her forehead. “You’re not alone, kiddo. I promise.”
Maria snuggled the panda to her chest, and in minutes was asleep.
MAX SET his cell phone on the coffee table and slumped onto the couch. “Fertilizer bombs,” he said. “Gareth’s been sending me updates.”
I handed him a cup of tea and settled against his side. “That wouldn’t be enough to blow the house like that, would it? How much fertilizer would that take?”
“A lot.” Max sipped the tea and let out a sigh. “There’s more. Gareth found the trigger. The bomb wasn’t on a timer. It was remote-controlled. He used a key fob, one of those command starters for your car. The range on those things is about a thousand feet max, which means you were right. He was in the neighborhood when the bomb went off.”
“I’m counting on that,” I said. “I need to talk to Dixon, but I want to do a press conference to lure the kidnapper to us.”
“That seems risky,” Max said quietly.
“Maria won’t be anywhere near him, Max. And he has no way of finding her.”
“I mean for you.”
“Not really. He’ll be walking into a building full of cops. We’ll be the ones in control, not him.”
“You’ve never done a press conference before, sweetheart.”
“That’ll work out well with what I’ve got in mind. Trust me, Max. I can handle this.”
“I know you can.”
He set his tea mug on the coffee table and turned to me, tucking stray hair behind my ear.
“You did great tonight, Shirley. With Maria. You might not see it, but I do, and I know you’ll be a great mom.”
“You’re good with her too,” I told him. “She really likes you.”
Max smiled sadly. “I like her too.”
He breathed deeply, and I wondered if he was going to broach the question now. Instead he rose from the couch and went to the hall closet. He returned with an armful of blankets.
“You’re sure you’re okay out here? I know it’s not that comfortable…”
“It’s fine, Max. You’re the one who’s sleeping on the floor.”
“Guess we should have bought that air mattress last summer after all.”
“Next time we almost go camping.”
He made up the couch while I brushed my teeth and snuck into the bedroom for my pajamas. Maria was out cold, but Max had built himself a little nest on the floor, in case she woke up during the night. A cartoon nightlight kept the shadows at bay.
Max was waiting for me when I came back. He kissed the mintiness right out of my mouth and wrapped me up tight. I held onto him for a long time. As long as he was here I was thinking about him, and as long as I thought about him I was brave.
Max pulled away gently. “Can I get you anything?” I shook my head. He squeezed my hand, his eyes deep and knowing. “There’s room for two.”
It was the three that made me tense. “I’ll be okay,” I whispered.
“I’m right inside if you need me.” He kissed me again, this time good night. “Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He left the bedroom door cracked, just enough for me to glimpse the weak glow of the nightlight. I laid on the couch, blankets to my chin. Morning seemed a long way of
f. I gathered the blankets and went into the bedroom.
MARIA WAS still asleep when I got up for work. Max stirred, blinking blearily at me. “Shirley? What time is it?”
“Early,” I whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
“Are you going in already?”
I dug through the closet for a blazer and a nice shirt. “I want to get some work done before everyone comes in. I have to prep for the press conference.”
Max sat up, pushing a hand through his bedraggled hair. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you at the briefing?”
“I think you and Maria should stay here, Max. At least until we bait the trap. If anyone sees her it’ll ruin the whole thing.”
He nodded. “Right. Okay. Will you call me when there’s news? Or if anything changes, or if you just need to talk…”
I ran a quick brush through my hair and crouched to kiss him goodbye. “Number one on my speed dial.”
“Be safe.”
“I will.”
“I love you.”
“Me too, Max. See you soon.”
I’D FIGURED on a couple hours of quiet time in the office, and I was already drafting my script as I stepped through the door. All hopes of peaceful silence shattered when I saw Paddy at his desk. He looked up long enough to ignore me.
“Morning,” I said, taking my seat beside him.
Paddy popped his knuckles and stared straight ahead.
I took in the enormous coffee at his elbow and the shadows beneath his eyes. “How was your night?”
Not even a blink.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.”
That got a laugh.
“I mean it. You were trying to help and I was an ass. I’m sorry.”
Paddy took a long sip of coffee. “I talked to Dixon. You’re riding the desk til this is over.”
I stared at him. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“You told on me?”
Paddy slammed his coffee down hard on the desk, sloshing liquid all over his keyboard. “Jesus, Shirley, this isn’t middle school. You’re a goddamn police officer, my goddamn partner, and I got a responsibility to tell my boss if something’s wrong. Especially if that something’s gonna get you or somebody else hurt.”