by Karlik, Mary
“Bad day?” She leaned on the rail and looked up at him. His eyes drooped at the corners and although he smiled down at her, his cheeks still sagged a little.
He placed his hands on her shoulders. “Better now.”
That was all she needed to hear. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he pulled her against him. He whispered into her hair. “Ryan, I need you. God, I don’t deserve you, but I need you.”
She looked into his face. “No. Believe me, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.”
He gave her a gentle kiss. “Does it hurt your mouth?”
“To kiss?” She gave him a slow smile. “No. Does it feel weird?”
“Let’s find out.” He lowered his mouth to hers. He kissed her deep and hard, and she couldn’t get enough. She pressed tight against him, welcoming his tongue. The kiss broke and he rested his forehead against hers. His breath was ragged. “It feels—awesome.”
She pulled back a little and placed her hands on his cheeks. “Good, because I want to take the sadness from your eyes.”
He squeezed them shut for half a second. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to infect you with my issues.”
She kissed the side of his mouth, his cheek, and the corner of his eye. “I’m here for you. I will always be here for you.” She caught his bottom lip between hers and then took his mouth with all the weeks of longing that had been building inside her. Desire flared—
The slut of Chicago was fighting for control.
She nestled against him. He ran his hands up her ribs and trailed his fingers over the sides of her breasts. Tingles spread through her and the Chicago side of her begged for more.
Justin pulled away from her mouth and trailed kisses down her neck. Somewhere in her mind, she pushed lust aside. “We can’t.”
“Okay.” He stopped, wrapped his arms around her, and rested his chin on the top of her head. They held each other and swayed. He sighed deep and low and pulled from her completely. “Let’s walk.”
She nodded and they turned down the path again, only this time they didn’t hold hands. But it was okay—they needed some distance between them.
“God, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. How was school?”
“Good.” She wanted to tell him about the doctor’s appointment—that she had decided to have her lip fixed and that she was terrified something would go wrong. But this was his time. “How did it go with your mom?”
“It sucked.” He ripped some leaves from a low-hanging branch. “The hospital is nice. It’s just—I met the shrink today.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. We barely got Mom settled when he wanted to jump right into therapy.”
“Well, that’s good. Right?”
He shook his head. “He talked to Mom first, then Dad, then me. I have no idea what they said, but by the time he got to me, I felt like he’d made some pretty big assumptions.”
“Like what?”
“He said I needed to deal with Chelsea’s death.” He dropped the leaves he’d shredded. “I’m the only one who has dealt with it.” His tone grew more animated. “I’ve cared for Mom while Dad has cared for the whole freaking county. I mean, he buries himself in work and I’m the one who isn’t dealing?”
He wasn’t yelling, but Ryan saw tension in his neck muscles. It was probably all he could do to stay in control. “What makes him say you aren’t dealing?”
The trail continued alongside the cemetery, but Justin stopped and turned around. They walked in silence for a few hundred yards before he spoke again. “He asked how often I visited the cemetery.” His voice was softer, but he didn’t look any calmer.
“What difference does that make?”
“My mom goes every day—or did. On the days she could actually manage to get out of bed, she brought fresh flowers to Chelsea’s grave. Every freaking day, rain or shine. That’s out of control.” He shook his head and spat on the side of the path. “Dad works all the time. He’ll do like, six twelves in a row.”
“But what does that have to do with you not dealing?”
“That’s what I’m saying. Neither of my parents has dealt with Chelsea’s death. I just want to go to school and play football. Who freaking cares if I go to the cemetery?”
“I take it the shrink cares. So when was the last time you went?”
His glance bounced off her and then away. “Never.”
“Never? Like, ever? What about at the service?”
“I didn’t need to see my sister’s casket perched above some freaking hole in the ground. I didn’t go to the graveside.”
She reached for his hand, but he didn’t take hers. She tried to dismiss the pang of disappointment. “You’ve never seen her grave?”
“It doesn’t mean I haven’t dealt with her death. I deal with it when I try to get Mom to eat. I deal with it every day that my parents don’t.” He shook his head. “Dr. O’Malley told me my homework was to visit her grave.”
She stopped. “Go now. We’re right here. I’ll wait for you or go with you—whatever you want.”
He kept walking and Ryan had to jog to catch up. “What’s the point? It’s not going to bring her back.”
They passed the spot where they’d made out and Ryan wanted to pull him aside for a replay, but his long legs ate up the ground. Ryan couldn’t keep up without half running. “Are you okay?” He slowed, but didn’t say anything.
When they reached the truck, he leaned against the passenger door and ran his hands through his hair. “Look, I’m sorry. You don’t need my shit.”
She stood in front of him and ached for him to hold her again. But after the hand-holding rejection, she wasn’t about to initiate anything. “I can handle it.”
He pulled her close and wrapped his arms tight around her. She rested her head on his chest and felt his heart thudding in a steady rhythm. God, this feels so good. No rumors. No past. Just here and now. This is exactly where I want to be. His arms tightened around her and she pressed tighter against him. Can we just stay like this forever?
Her stomach growled. Apparently not.
He loosened his hold and smiled into her eyes. “Whoa, we need to feed that thing.” He kissed her again and it was all she could do to keep from touching him in places that would get them both in trouble.
He dragged his lips from hers. “We’d better go.”
“Yeah.” She pulled away and walked to the driver’s side. He waited until she was belted in and the engine running before he climbed in.
She looked at his flushed face and smiled. “Sonic?”
“Anywhere I can get a cold drink.” He fastened his seatbelt and leaned back. “Talk to me about school? I need to hear about something normal.”
She could have told him about her doctor’s appointment. It was the perfect opportunity. But with everything he was dealing with, she wasn’t going to burden him with her stupid fears. So instead, she told him about her Dating Respect idea.
“I’ll help. It makes a lot of sense. Guys are stupid with girls.” He leaned across the cab and planted a kiss on her cheek. “It’s a great idea.”
Her insides warmed.
She angled the truck into the drive-in and they placed their order. The Beatles played over the speakers. She looked at him and smiled, but if he remembered the last time they’d heard the Beatles, he didn’t show it. In fact, he didn’t show any emotion at all. He looked through the windshield completely blank-faced.
Shit. Shit. Crap. The last time we were here, his mom had just tried to shoot her brains out.
She reached across the truck and touched his arm. “Are you okay? Maybe we shouldn’t have come here.”
He snapped his gaze to her. “Why?”
His words didn’t sound angry, but his eyes held a challenging look that made her stomach tighten. “I just thought it might remind you of the last time we were here.”
“I don’t work like that. If I avoided things because they were associated with a bad memory, I’d n
ever go anywhere.”
“Except the cemetery.”
Why’d I say that? Too late. She couldn’t pull the words out of thin air and stuff them back into her stupid mouth.
Justin’s face flushed more brightly even than when she’d kissed him. “I’m not going to the cemetery.”
Ryan put her hand on his. “Okay. I’m sorry. Let’s drop it.”
The carhop brought their order. Ryan pulled the money her mom had given her from her pocket and insisted she pay.
She nibbled on a few cheese fries while Justin wolfed down his dog. “Don’t get mad… but there’s something I don’t understand.”
He pressed his head into the headrest and sighed. “What?”
“Why do you hate Austin so much? You used to be friends. From what I see, he’s a great guy.” She was treading on dangerous ground, but if there was something about Austin that she needed to know, she wanted to hear it.
“You’re new here, so you don’t know the whole story.”
“So what’s the story?”
“You know Chelsea was answering his text when—” He shoved his half-eaten Coney into the paper sack. “—it happened.”
Ryan had said too much already, but still her mouth kept spilling words. “Yeah. I feel bad for him, though. He couldn’t have kno—”
“Really? You’re going there.” His voice trembled and she saw fury in his face.
Kelsey’s warning surfaced. Did he have anger issues? She pressed on. “I’m sorry. I have to know something. Did you jump Austin in the coffee shop parking lot?”
Justin ran his hands through his hair. “It was stupid.”
Ryan’s stomach tightened. Please have a good reason. “What happened?”
He stared through the windshield and sighed. “Do you remember me telling you about the note my sister had written Eric?”
She nodded.
“I thought it was written to Austin. They’d spent a lot of time together. The thought of him doing that to my sister—I jumped to conclusions. Like I said, it was stupid.”
Relief flowed through her.
“Why do you ask?”
“Kelsey brings it up a lot.” She dropped the burger wrapper in the sack.
He pushed the leftover fries on top of the pile. “Not one of my finer moments.”
She smiled at him. “We all have those.” She set their trash and the window tray on the ledge by the menu. “Do you want to do something else?” Please say yes.
He looked at her and sighed long and loud. “I’m beat. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” She fake-smiled and hoped she hid the disappointment that filtered through her. She wasn’t ready for the evening to end. She started the engine and pulled from the slot. Like everything else in town, it took about five minutes to get to his house. She parked and turned to him. “Are you okay? Really?”
“I am now.” He leaned across the console and kissed her. She wanted to climb into his lap and spend the next hour making out. But he pulled away. “You wanna walk me to the door?”
“Sure.” She got out of the truck and walked hand in hand with him up the walk. When they reached the door, she snaked her arms around his waist and looked into his eyes. She wanted him to ask about the appointment, and tried not to be disappointed that he hadn’t. Tell him. But she couldn’t.
He kissed her and her brain went straight into fireworks mode. When the kiss ended, he pulled her against his chest and whispered, “You saved me tonight.”
Her heart felt so big and so loved. She squeezed him tight. This was the moment she’d heard about. The one when you knew you’d found the one. She felt his heart thump and wondered if hers was in sync with his. Then he ducked his head and kissed her neck. Her heart sped up.
She stood still and tried not to shiver as he trailed his kisses to her collarbone and back to her chin and then her lips. The kiss was slow, as though he was luxuriating in it. He pulled away and looked into her eyes. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“You saved me, remember.”
He gave her a couple of quick pecks on the lips. “I need to go.”
“Okay.” But they both stood there staring at each other.
“I’ll walk you to your truck.”
She shook her head. “No, because then I’ll want to walk you back to your door.” She took a deep breath, pressed her lips against his one last time, and turned down the walk to her truck. But before she put it in gear, she took one last look at the house. He smiled and went inside.
*
It was only eight-thirty when she pulled up to their old farmhouse, where she parked next to Austin’s truck. She hoped someday Justin would be welcome enough to hang out the way Austin was. He’d become a part of the family. Not that she minded. He was pretty cool and way better than Kelsey’s old boyfriend. It was just that since Austin had made his way into the Quinn household, she wasn’t sure Justin ever would.
She banged through the front door to the den. Austin and his best friend Travis sat on the sofa with Mackenzie and Kelsey playing a video game.
Kelsey spoke without looking up from the screen. “Where’ve you been?”
“Out. Where’s Mom?”
Kenzie answered, “On the back porch with Dad.”
Ryan dropped her purse on a table by the stairs and walked through the den to the kitchen and out the back door. Her parents sat at the patio table next to the pool sipping a glass of wine. “Mind if I join you?”
Her dad pulled out a chair. “Everything okay?”
She dropped into it. “Yeah. Justin needed to talk.” She propped her feet on the chair next to her. “He’s never been to his sister’s grave.”
Her mom shook her head. “Everybody deals differently.”
“The shrink told him he hasn’t dealt with it. But he’s been so busy being angry and taking care of his mom that he thinks he has.”
Her dad sipped from his glass. “Justin seems like a nice guy—just be careful. You don’t need to take on his problems.”
She tipped her head back and stared at the stars. “I’m not. I just want to be there for him. He doesn’t have anybody else. I don’t think he has any more friends than I do.”
The screen door squeaked open and the gamers joined them on the patio. Travis and Kenzie sat next to each other a little to one side of the circle around the table. Kelsey and Austin sat next to Ryan, holding hands.
Ryan longed for Justin to be there too, holding her hand in front of everybody. She took a deep breath and turned to Austin. “I asked Justin about that night he jumped you.”
Austin shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Oh, yeah?”
She nodded. “He admitted that it was stupid.”
Kelsey snorted. “Well, there’s something.”
Ryan snapped her gaze to her sister. “You don’t know the whole story.” She turned to Austin. “He’d found a letter his sister had written. He thought it was about you.”
Austin nodded. “It was about Eric Perez.”
Travis slammed his hands down on the armrests of his chair. “This is total crap.” Everybody stared at him. “Justin goes through life being angry and blaming Austin and everybody makes excuses for him because his sister died. My sister died in that crash too. If you want to really look at it, I could be pissed at him because his sister was driving. I chose not to. All that anger doesn’t do crap. It won’t bring them back.” He stood. “I’m sorry, Ryan. You’re a cool chick, but don’t let him pull you into his crap.” He walked to the edge of the pool.
Silence filled the air.
Ryan’s dad set his wine glass on the table. “He has a point.”
Ryan didn’t want to admit that Travis might be right. She wanted to think about how good it felt to be wrapped in Justin’s arms. She wanted to dream about the day he could be a part of her family the way Austin was. She pushed out of her chair. She wanted to scream at Travis that he didn’t understand.
But he did understand,
better than any of the rest of them.
Instead, she yelled, “Maybe I want to be dragged into his crap.” She stormed into the house and slammed the door.
By the time she reached her bedroom, tears were flowing down her cheeks. She didn’t want Travis to be right. But the truth niggled inside her. She wasn’t going to admit that out loud. Not to her family. Not to Austin. Not to Travis.
And sure as hell not to herself.
16
Justin dropped his keys on the counter. His dad was watching the news in the den. If he was lucky, he could head to his room without talking to him.
His dad stood and walked toward the kitchen.
Shit.
“There’s some leftover Hamburger Helper on the stove.”
“Thanks. I went to Sonic.” Justin leaned against the counter. “Do you think this is going to work for Mom?”
His dad shrugged. “She’s determined to work hard to get better.”
“What does that mean—work hard? How do you work at not being depressed?” Justin grabbed a Gatorade from the fridge.
His dad folded his arms across his chest. “Well, she’s taking her meds, attending group, engaging in activities. Stuff like that.”
“And that’s supposed to fix her.”
His dad nodded, but his look held about as much hope as Justin felt. Zero.
Justin took a sip of his drink and hoped his dad would go back to the TV.
His dad rubbed the back of his neck. “Are you ready for the game Friday?”
“Yeah. It should be an easy win.” Not that you’d know.
“I’m off Friday. I’ll be at the game.”
So you said. I’ll alert the press. “It’s a little late for you to act like you care, don’t you think?” He grabbed the bottle of Gatorade and his backpack and headed to his room.
He pulled his calculus book from his backpack. He was half pissed and half relieved that his dad hadn’t come after him. God, how many times had he said he’d be at a game and not shown up? The guy was full of such bullshit.
He opened his book and shifted his mind toward differential equations.