I see Grandma Kay and Gwen exchange glances, and I know something’s wrong.
“What?” I ask as I wipe my nose.
“Nothing,” Gwen responds, shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders.
If I didn’t know her any better, I’d believe her. But they are communicating with their eyes. They know something.
“What?” I ask again more forcibly.
“Nothing, songbird. Now you just focus on you for now. Gwen and I have everything covered.”
I glance back and forth between them, and I realize they know more than they’re letting on. I close my eyes and sigh. “Did you talk to Mike?”
They glare at each other for a moment and Gwen stands, strutting toward the door, her shoulders slowly lifting as she moves. I can see she’s fisting a wad of tissues in her hand. Grandma Kay twists her watch on her wrist and wrinkles her nose.
“Just tell me,” I command.
“I called him.” Gwen turns and speaks with hesitation. “I didn’t know what happened until after I told him. He said you had a fight. I’m sorry, but he should be here any min—”
Before she can finish her sentence, Mike ambles through the door. My stomach twists and turns. He’s the last person I want to see right now or ever.
I bare my teeth as my sadness turns to unbridled rage. “Get out!” I scream. “Get out of my room! You don’t deserve to be here. To act like you care about her or about me. Get out!” I howl through my returning sobs. Two nurses rush into my room, and Mike stands stiff as a board with his eyes glued open in shock at my outburst. The nurses order him to leave as I continue to shout at him and cry. “I hate you, Mike Haley! I hate you!”
Grandma Kay rushes over to me and grabs my hands in hers. “Look at me!” she demands. “Did that man touch you? Did he hurt you?”
I take a deep breath and attempt to calm myself. He’s gone, but his lingering presence still makes me ill. “No,” I manage, but the ferocity of my hate for him causes my voice to shake with returning anger. “He didn’t physically hurt me. He just let me know that his parents forced him to marry me, that he pity-fucked me, and that he didn’t want me or the baby!”
Gwen leaps to her feet and charges the door. “Gwen!” I yell. But it’s too late. She’s gone.
“Let her do what she needs to do,” Grandma Kay comforts as she pats my hand.
I feel my muscles tense as I fall back onto the bed. My stomach has an empty ache, and I feel her loss invade my senses once more.
I’D LIKE TO think I was certain when I married him. Certain he was “the one.” Certain we would always be in love like we were in the beginning. I first met him at an off-campus college party. Gwen and I had just finished a major research paper and we needed a night out. I remember when he bumped into me. He feigned surprise and I rolled my eyes. He smiled when he knew I wasn’t the kind of girl who bought into pick-up lines and pretenders. I brushed him off immediately, and he actively pursued me throughout the night. He was okay, different from the type of guy I was usually attracted to. I always went for the tall, dark, and handsome type, like Nick. Mike was just a little taller than me, blond, and cute. He wasn’t normal for me, but I convinced myself different didn’t always mean bad.
I have to admit I admired his tenacity. I even told him to fuck off at one point. He seemed even more attracted to me after I appeared unattainable. He kept asking me questions. I had nothing better to do, so I talked to him. Before the end of the night, he knew my major, what dorm I lived in, and had even introduced himself to Gwen. She wasn’t impressed. I’m pretty sure she met Alex at that party. In hindsight, we should have stayed home and eaten cupcakes. Maybe things would have been different. But then I wouldn’t have Kale or Marlow, and I love them with all my heart.
When Marlow was born and I came home from the hospital, Mike had cleaned the entire house. Kale was standing in the doorway with Grandma Kay wearing an “I’m a big brother” t-shirt. I guess Mike bought it at the hospital gift shop. It made me smile. He doted on Marlow. He changed diapers, took care of me, and helped me stand after my second cesarean. This one was planned in advance, and my blood pressure was monitored closely. My pregnancy with Marlow was textbook. I craved sugar, had three months of morning sickness, and only gained twenty pounds.
Mike and I seemed closer than ever after her birth. Now I realize it was because he had been repurchased as a husband by his parents: a master’s degree in exchange for more fake love and devotion. At the time, it seemed as if he had self-renewed his marriage vows to me. Once I was able to have sex again, he was all over me. He’d come home from work and help me put the kids to bed. Then, as soon as we knew they were asleep, he’d make love to me. We tried all kinds of positions, and things were pretty awesome for a few months. One night he came home from work and seemed distraught. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, but I could tell something was wrong. From then on out he became more distant.
A few weeks later after coming home later than usual, he asked me, “Do you ever feel like we rushed into everything?”
“What do you mean?” I ask in confusion.
“Getting married, buying this house?”
I turn on my side to face him in bed. “Well, it wasn’t the most perfect of circumstances.”
“No,” he says, shaking his head and laughing lightly.
“But we made it work, right?”
“Yeah,” he responds with a smile. “Yeah. It’s all for the best.”
I smile back at him. “Everything happens for a reason.”
He nods his head and quickly kisses my lips. He turns his back to me and I spoon him. “I love you, Mike.”
“I know,” he responds. “I know you do.”
He turns over and lifts my face to his. He closes his eyes and begins to kiss me. “Fuck me,” he says through his kiss.
I laugh. “Fuck you?”
He opens his eyes and gazes at me. “Let’s roleplay. You game?”
I bite my lips and shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, I’m game. What do you have in mind?”
“Hmm…” he ponders. “Let’s pretend we’re both single. I met you at a party after work. Your name is… Krista.”
I laugh. “Okay. What’s Krista like?”
“Krista loves cock. Especially the idea of mine. In her mouth, in her pussy, in her ass.”
My eyes pop out. “In her ass?” I question, startled. We’ve never done that.
“I’m not saying you have to do it. We’re just pretending.”
“Go on,” I say, amazed by how turned on I’m becoming at the idea.
“She invites me into her office, where she proceeds to seduce me.”
“Um hmm…” I rub my hand on his chest.
“Okay… go!”
“Oh! Now?” I stammer.
He nods his head in excitement.
“Hey, Mike.” I flounder. “Wait, what’s your name?” I question dubiously.
“Umm… just call me Mike. I don’t really care at this point. I’m so turned on by you. Just talk to me. Show me what you would do if you really wanted me.”
“I do really want you!” I laugh.
“Just play. Okay?”
“Fine,” I murmur and roll my eyes at him.
“Why are you rolling your eyes at me, Krista?” he asks seductively.
“Umm… because I’m trying to figure out how to get you to want me.”
“It’s not hard,” he responds.
I reach down and grab his dick in my hand. “Not yet.”
After giving him a sexy blowjob and some of my best moves, he flips me over and takes me from behind. It’s hot and sweaty. I try not to mind that he calls me Krista while he’s asking me if I want to be fucked. I go with it, reminding myself it’s just a game. After we’ve both been satisfied, Mike closes his eyes, and I begin to feel a little weird about it all. It’s the first time he’s asked me to use a different name during sex.
“Mike?”
“Um hmm?”
/> “Do you like to just fuck? I mean, would you rather just fuck than make love?”
Mike sighs and kisses my cheek. “I love making love to you. This was just for fun, okay? Don’t go reading into it.”
I nod my head, and he smiles briefly before turning over and going to sleep. Something in my gut wonders if he knows a Krista, but then I remind myself that he loves me. It’s just for fun. Everything is fine.
We often ignore the truth to protect our hearts. But denial is temporary. The lies we tell ourselves burn forever in the corners of our mind. They linger and tease their legitimacy until we are willing to surrender to what we already know. They whisper and warn while we purge and ignore. It is easier to live a lie than to face the facts. Everything is not and will never be okay. It’s time to crawl into my reality.
AN HOUR AFTER Grandma Kay leaves to pick up the kids from school, I’m fully dressed and waiting for my discharge papers. Grandma Kay had the foresight to bring me fresh clothes. I’m thankful when the hospital agrees to dispose of the clothing I was wearing when I lost her. I don’t think I could stand to see the blood again.
I sigh as I stare at the identification band around my wrist showing my admittance. I vow that I’ll keep it forever. It’s all I have left of her. It’s as if she never even existed. The realization makes the tears flow again. My thoughts are interrupted by the nurse. She’s not the same nurse I saw the night before, and for that, I’m very thankful.
“Hi, sweetie. I’m here to go over a few things with you before you go home, okay?”
I nod my head.
“I don’t mean to sound insensitive at all, so please understand that the things I need to tell you are not meant to cause you any further emotional pain.”
I nod again, and she scoots down next to me on the bed. She gives me a quick side hug, and I like her instantly. Her amazing bedside manner reminds me of the kind of nurse I want to be. I promise myself that if… no, when I become one, I will always be sensitive to my patients’ feelings and needs.
“You may continue to bleed for a few days up to a few weeks. This is normal. If you experience any abnormally heavy bleeding, you should contact your OB/GYN. Has Dr. Gernsbaugh been in to see you?”
I nod my head. I really want to get this over with as quickly as possible. I hear footsteps in the hall, but they stop abruptly outside my door. I consider the idea that I’m hearing things until I see my nurse gaze toward the door expectantly. She glances at me after a moment, shrugs her shoulders, and continues to tell me not to use tampons, to make sure I clean myself thoroughly, and to abstain from sex. I laugh at the absurdity of the “sex” part, and she pauses. After she gives me some at-home supplies and a last dose of pain medicine, she wishes me well. She turns before she leaves and offers me a handout.
“I know how you’re feeling right now. I’ve been where you are. It does help to talk about it. You can call me anytime. I wrote my number on the top of this sheet.”
I glance at the page. I read “Nurse Patty” at the top with her digits underneath. Then I notice the handout has grief support group information on it. I try to hand it back and tell her I don’t need it, but she insists, so I take it to appease her.
“Do you have a ride home?”
“Umm, yeah. I texted my friend. She should be here any minute now.”
She smiles kindly before she leaves and tells me to call her if I need anything. I neatly fold the paper and stick it into the back pocket of my jeans. I just want to go home. Home… I haven’t even considered what I’m going to do next.
I hear a knock and glance up, expecting to see Gwen. Instead, I see Mike. Mike with a black eye.
“Get out!” I yell, pointing toward the door.
“Please let me talk to you. Please?” he begs.
“What could you possibly have left to say to me? Did you come to kick me when I’m down?”
Mike takes a step toward me with his hands out, and I lift mine to stop him from coming closer.
“I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything. The things I said to you last night, they weren’t true. Nothing was true. I was angry and I lashed out. I made stuff up that I thought would hurt you. It was childish and insensitive. I know my behavior was completely inexcusable. I wish I could go back and handle things differently.”
I eye him suspiciously. Does he really think I’m buying a single word?
“I’m so sorry about our baby. So sorry, Everly.” He takes another step toward me, and I tell him to stop.
“You mean you’re sorry about my baby? MY BABY?”
“Everly, please don’t. I know you’re angry with me, but I feel the loss too. I’m sad too.”
“Fuck you, Mike Haley! Fuck you and your apologies and your mind games. Fuck you for your words and your anger. Fuck you for your pity and your lies. I’ve known you for almost twelve years. Do you really think I can’t tell the difference between a lie and the truth, especially now?”
“Everly, I swear. None of it was true! I made it all up!”
I feel the pain of my jagged nails biting into my palms. I didn’t even realize how tightly my hands were clenched. “Where did you go last night?” I question forcibly.
His eyes glaze over and he clears his throat. “I went to my parents’.”
I nod my head knowingly, and a small smile lifts the corner of my mouth.
“What?” he questions with his hands in the air.
“How much did they offer you this time? How much do you get if you stay with me another year? Your doctorate? The house in their will?” I shift my hands in front of my chest, making an invisible X, and shake my head. “Never mind, I don’t really give a shit. I’m tired of being your excuse for the sadness that consumes your life. Find someone else to blame. I’m done.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re done?” He laughs, altering his posture and crossing his arms. “Where are you going to go?” he questions. “I’m all you have, Everly. I’m all you have.”
“Like fuck you are!” I hear and see Gwen’s anger as she enters the room. “Back the fuck away from her, you piece of shit, or I’ll blacken your other eye!”
I gasp loudly.
Mike places his hands up in defense and turns his head to face me. “I should press charges.” It was meant to sound tough, but it comes out like a whimper.
“Go ahead,” Gwen states as she steps toward him. “Go ahead and tell everyone how a tiny five-foot, four-inch girl kicked your ass. Make sure you add how you begged me to stop and how you cried after I hit you.”
Mike takes another step backward and lifts his eyes to the clock on the wall. “This isn’t done, Everly. We’ll talk about this when I get home. I have a meeting. I need to go.”
As he slowly backs out around Gwen, she adds, “Oh yeah. We’ll definitely talk about it tonight. All three of us.”
“What do you mean all three of us?” he questions.
“Oh… didn’t you tell him?” She directs the question toward me and I’m dumbfounded. “I’m moving in,” she states. “Along with Grandma Kay. You know, to help Ev recover and to guard her from your sorry ass and your sorry lies.”
“Like hell you are!” he shouts.
“Hey, if you don’t like it, I’m sure your mommy and daddy would be thrilled to have your pathetic ass back under their roof. Maybe you’ll get a new car out of it.”
“Fuck you, Gwen!”
Gwen lurches toward him and Mike all but runs from the room.
I feel a single tear flit down my cheek.
Her shoulders slump when she sees my face. “Hey…” Concern flows from her words. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone on like that with him. I know how hard all of this is on you. I just hate him.” She visibly shakes. “I. HATE. HIM. I can say that with complete and total honesty.”
I sniffle.
“I know I invited myself over,” she continues, “and I would totes understand if you don’t want me to move in.”
My head l
owers as I ask, “You’d really stay with me?”
She smiles and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. “I’d really.”
“What about Wookie?”
My dad said he’d watch him while my mom visits my cousin Kallie and her husband Adam in Atlanta. It’s all good!”
I pause for a moment as I stare down at my tissue-filled hands. “What am I going to do, Gwen?”
She rests on the corner of the bed and hesitates as she considers what to say. “You’re going to take it one day at a time, and I’m going to help you. You’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Someday, it’s all going to be okay.”
I desperately want to believe her, but right now, all I feel is empty. The life I thought I had ended along with the life I thought I was going to have. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know where to start.
I OPEN THE garage door so quietly no one hears me, not even Roscoe. As I step unnoticed into the room, I see Grandma Kay helping Kale with his math and Marlow stirring meat sauce on the stove. I asked Gwen to give me an hour to talk to them, so she ran to the grocery store for me. If I had any doubts about her love for me, she confirmed it when she volunteered to step inside Walton’s to pick up my prescription and grab a few groceries. Marlow turns from the stove and is the first to notice me.
“Mommy!” I’m surprised by how much my heart aches at the word. Marlow jumps into my arms, and I bend down to put my face in her hair. She smells like home.
Kale hugs me as well but more gently. I wonder what they know.
“Can you two come and sit with me for a minute?” I ask.
They follow me into the family room, and I slowly lower myself down on the couch. They sit nervously on the coffee table in front of me.
“Did Grandma Kay tell you I was in the hospital?”
“Yes,” Marlow responds, “but she said you’d tell us why when you got home.”
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