Enough

by Dawn L. Chiletz

“Yes, darling. You’re so much smarter than I am. Don’t ever forget that anyone should feel privileged to have your love. If they don’t want it, then you don’t want them.”

  She frowns briefly. “You aren’t in love with Daddy, are you?”

  I shake my head.

  She nods. “Is Krista in love with Daddy?”

  My heart jolts. “I don’t know.”

  “Okay,” she quickly responds, losing interest. She jumps off my lap and skips into the family room, turning on the TV. Within a few minutes, she’s fully engrossed in an old rerun of “Full House” and is laughing hysterically to herself.

  I stare after her, wishing my impending conversation with Kale would go as well. As I think about the whole thing with Krista, I get angry that Mike didn’t discuss introducing her with me. I grab a hidden bag of chocolate chips from the cabinet and shove a handful or two into my mouth before I slowly trudge up the stairs and knock on his door.

  “Go away!” he shouts.

  “Kale, we need to talk this out. Can I please come in?”

  “Whatever.”

  He’s sitting in the closet. His collar is in his mouth, and I see he’s shredded yet another shirt. I glance down at what used to be my nails and I’m reminded me of how alike we are.

  I crawl into the closet and he moves slightly to accommodate me. “I used to love to sit in my closet,” I tell him. “There was this one time that Grandma and Grandpa London punished me for sneaking over to my friend Jill’s house after dark to play Monopoly. I didn’t understand why they were mad at me, so I decided I was going to go into my closet and run away. I brought cookies, milk, books, and a flashlight.”

  Kale glances toward me and his lip curls upward slightly. “Did they think you ran away?”

  “They never even knew. I stayed in there for three hours until I had to pee so bad I thought I’d explode. When I finally left the dark of my closet, I wasn’t as mad anymore. My parents explained that sometimes they had to do things that I didn’t understand. But that they did these things because they wanted me to learn right from wrong.”

  Kale sighs. “Did you tell me that story because you wanted me to learn something out of it?”

  “Am I that obvious?” I snicker, nudging his shoulder with mine.

  “So you broke up with Dad because you wanted me to learn right from wrong?”

  “Kind of.” I purse my lips together. “I’ve seen both sides of marriage. I saw my parents’ marriage and then I experienced your dad’s and mine. Your dad and I didn’t have a marriage like my parents had, and as much as I tried to make it better, or like theirs, I just couldn’t. Your dad and I just didn’t get along like married people are supposed to, and neither one of us was happy. I hate that you and Marlow had to see us that way. I want you to grow up understanding that sometimes people fight, but that most times they love each other and get along. Your dad and I were always fighting. I want you to know that’s not what love is supposed to be.”

  “I’m not dumb, Mom. I know you and Dad hate each other.”

  “I don’t hate your dad, Kale. We’re better friends now than we were when we were pretending to be happy.”

  “You don’t seem happier.”

  “I’m getting there.” I snicker. “I know I don’t seem better, but I’m really trying. I’m sorry all of this has been so hard on you and your sister.”

  Kale shrugs.

  “I love you both more than anything in the world.”

  He nods shyly.

  “If you ever want to talk about this or anything that bothers you, I want you to know I’m always here for you. I’ll always try to understand.”

  “I want to talk about Krista.”

  My stomach twists and I wish I had brought the bag of chocolate chips with me. “Okay,” I say positively with a nod of my head.

  “How do you feel about her?” he asks.

  “Well… that’s kind of complicated. But I want your dad to be happy, so…”

  “Don’t lie, Mom.” He twists his body to face mine and places his flashlight under his chin.

  I smirk a little and push myself to stand. I flip on his light switch and he rubs his eyes to adjust to the light. I sit back down in front of him in the closet. “The truth is that it bothers me a little bit. But probably not for why you think.”

  “Why? Tell me. I think you’re just saying what you think you’re supposed to. Please just tell me the truth. I can take it.”

  I gaze into his big blue eyes and wonder when he grew up so much. I will time to stand still so I can keep him my little boy forever. I see the intensity in his face and know he really needs me to be truthful, so I am. “The truth is, I don’t want to be replaced. I don’t want her to be better than me, or prettier either.” I laugh.

  “She’s not.” He snickers.

  “Replacing me?” I ask.

  “No, you’re my mom. She’ll never be you. But she’s also not prettier than you either.” He watches me closely to gauge my reaction, and I can’t help but smile brightly. He returns my smile with a megawatt grin that lights me up even more.

  “Good on all counts.” I laugh.

  He laughs too, and I reach over and kiss his cheek. He doesn’t pull away, and I feel better for having told him what was weighing on my heart. “Anything else you want to know?” I ask.

  “Not right now.”

  My lips curl upward as I nod, stand, and head toward the door.

  “Mom?” He stops me.

  I turn to face him.

  “I’m here for you too, okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you, Kale. But please stop growing up so quickly.”

  He grins back as if he understands, and after I hear him get into the shower, I lean my back on his door and breathe. I just breathe.

  GWEN COMES HOME from working a double after I get home from driving the kids to school. Pretty soon they’re going to have to start taking the bus, but I decide to hold off on telling them that until it has to happen. Marlow hates the bus.

  “How was work?” I ask. Gwen seems exhausted.

  “We were shorthanded in the ER, so I had to go down to cover for three hours. I had to put a catheter in an eighty-two-year-old man. He seemed a little eager for me to touch his privates. Then later I had to find a vein in a dehydrated three-year-old. He was screaming and fighting the whole time. As much as I love Peds, sometimes it just breaks my heart.”

  I side hug her as I stuff my mouth with a handful of chocolate chips.

  “Hey,” she says as she grabs the bag from my hand. “You’re not supposed to be eating those.”

  “I know, but I had a rough night. Once I had sugar it was like I was an addict looking for my next hit. This is my second bag. I hope you weren’t planning on making cookies anytime soon.”

  “Ev! We’re not supposed to be eating shit like this! We’re supposed to be doing this together!”

  I motion the bag toward her. “Want some?”

  “No, I don’t want any.” She huffs in frustration. Then she pivots and says, “Actually I do. Can I have it?”

  I smile knowingly and hand her the bag. She smiles as I hand it to her, then I see something change in her expression and I know she’s about to ruin my short-lived happiness. She sprints toward the kitchen sink and quickly dumps the entire bag into the drain. She starts the water and the disposal as I scream, “No!”

  “You don’t need these. Neither of us does.”

  “I do need those. Each little chip was a piece of sanity for me. You just drowned my sanity!”

  “We need to get our asses in shape. I’m going to force myself to go for a quick run. You should come with me!”

  I sigh. “I have class.”

  “What the hell happened? You were doing so well.”

  I spend the next five minutes giving her the short rundown of my night. She gasps when she hears Krista’s name. Of course she remembers. I knew she would. Best friends remember the good stuff and the bad stuff. There wasn’t much about my
sex life that Gwen didn’t know. Sex… I sigh again. I don’t even remember the last time I came from something not self-induced. My eyes flicker to the microwave clock. “Oh shoot, I gotta go to class,” I mumble.

  As I turn and grab my books, she says, “Promise me no more cheating!”

  “What?” I question as I speed toward the door.

  “Ev!”

  “Sorry, can’t hear you!”

  Once I’m in the car I make a beeline for McDonalds and say goodbye to my progress.

  TRAFFIC IS A nightmare. After clinicals, I have to take several detours to make it to the school on time to get the kids. As I’m driving down a side road through the business district, my mind wanders to everything that Gwen said this morning. I vow to jump back on the wagon as soon I get home.

  After Kale and I finish math homework and a social studies worksheet, I drop him off at karate and then take Marlow to soccer. While I’m watching her run the field, my mind wanders to Nick, my high school boyfriend. I remember watching him practice once when I went to visit. He was the forward on his college team. I sigh and distract myself by watching people running up and down a large sledding hill. I’d never paid any attention to it before, but this time I find it fascinating. It looks really hard. I wonder if I could do it. A few seconds later, I see a man three times my size going up and down. He amazes me. He’s pushing himself. You can see it on his face. Just when I think he’s ready to quit, he keeps going.

  It’s always hard for me to put myself out there in front of people. It’s why I never want to run outside with Gwen and why I hide in her basement on the treadmill. But it’s time for a change. It’s a year for change. I have to admit to myself that even though I’ve had a lot of moments of serious depression since Mike and I split, I still feel better for not fighting with him every night or having to hear him put me down. I’ve started to make progress on myself mentally. Know I needed to get my act together physically. I need to feel better about myself.

  I slowly wander to the hill, very much aware of all the eyes that might be watching or judging me. I feel extremely insecure. I stand at the bottom and gaze at my sneakers. I’m afraid to raise my eyes to see people snickering behind my back. Then I hear him.

  “First step is the hardest. Well, actually, each step sucks. I can’t lie. But it feels good to move. You can do it! Look at me!”

  The same man who motivated me to walk over to the hill is now encouraging me to try to climb it. I smile at him, and he waves as he huffs each step back up the hill. I decide it’s time I took a step for me. I start to sing Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” in my head with each step I take. I laugh at myself and the irony of the song. With each step I feel a little better and a little more confident. The man I just met high-fives me whenever we pass each other going up or down. He makes me laugh each time I pass him, and I start to try to keep up with his pace. I force myself to go up and down ten times. My legs are on fire, but it feels good. I just walked my way back into my plan, but this time I feel better about my reasons for doing it. It’s one thing to say I’m doing it for me, but it’s another thing to believe the words. I make a commitment to fall back in love with myself. I realize that I could never believe in someone’s love for me if I can’t see my own worth in being loved. If I am ever going to move on or move forward, I need to be happy inside. Today is one step up the long hill to a better me. Walking forward, not looking back. No more looking back.

  EVERY TIME MARLOW has practice I walk the hill. It starts getting easier each time. I also walk on the treadmill and even try my hand at running on it. After a month of exercise and making healthier choices, I’ve lost ten pounds. It isn’t a very noticeable change, but Gwen says she can see the difference in my face and hips. We are doing great together. It’s nice to have someone to encourage me, and when Gwen wants to quit, I remind her of our goal.

  Marlow’s first soccer game of the new season is today. It’s a Saturday, so no classes, and although it’s a grey, chilly day, my mood is really positive. Usually grey days make me want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. Gwen has the weekend off, so she and I place our folding chairs on the sidelines, ready to root for Marlow’s team, the Green Goblins. Marlow’s pumped for her first game, and even Kale’s excited to watch his sister.

  I watch Norman approach her and touch the green ribbon I tied in her hair this morning. She pushes his hand off her hair and struts away. He gazes after her in confusion, and I laugh to myself. I love that girl. She’s my inspiration on so many levels.

  “How about we take the kids out to dinner tonight?” Gwen suggests. “It’ll be fun to do something different.”

  “Yeah.” I smile. “Something different sounds great!”

  “Mom, can I have a dollar for the concession stand?” Kale asks.

  I reach into my purse and pull out a single. He runs off in the direction of the sugar hut.

  A cool breeze makes me decide to put my mittens on my hands. I hate it when my hands are cold. I turn to the left and right, watching for Grandma Kay, but she isn’t here yet. “Hey, do you mind if I ask Kay to come along?” I ask Gwen.

  “Of course not. I love that woman!”

  I focus on Marlow as she practices kicking balls into the goal. She smiles brightly and waves her hands all around as if trying to get someone’s attention. I think she’s spotted Grandma Kay, so I follow her gaze to my left, expecting to see her waving back.

  I actually feel the blood drain from my face. Marlow is waving to her father and his female friend. Marlow turns to point out her father to me, and I nod my head sheepishly. Gwen sees Marlow wave to me and glances up to see Mike and his new girl.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Gwen states as she glares in Mike’s direction.

  He’s holding her hand and walking straight toward me. She has short red hair and she’s skinny and stylish. She’s fair skinned and strides with complete confidence. I don’t remember ever seeing him so happy. Need to breathe. I have a sudden craving for chocolate and potato chips. After I found out he introduced her to the kids without talking to me first, we had a small fight on the phone. I’m pissed he brought her here and didn’t bother asking me if it was okay. He’s learned nothing.

  “Hey, Gwen.” Mike waves as if they are old friends. Gwen’s mouth drops to the floor in utter shock.

  “Hi, Everly. How are you?” he asks.

  I manage a small gesture and a nod.

  “Everly, I’d like to introduce you to Krista. Krista, this is Marlow and Kale’s mom, Everly.”

  She holds out her hand to me and I glare into Mike’s eyes. He seems to find nothing inappropriate with introducing me to the woman he asked me to pretend to be in bed.

  “So, you’re Krista,” I state with a smirk. “I assume you work in Mike’s office?”

  Her hand drops as she glances warily toward Mike. Mike’s eyes widen in warning. “Yes, we do work together. How did you know?” she asks.

  “Oh, he mentioned you once or twice while we were in bed. Glad to know his fantasy is becoming his reality.”

  Gwen chokes out a laugh as Krista turns and bites her lips questioningly toward Mike.

  “God, Everly. I wouldn’t have introduced her to you if I thought you were still going to be immature, petty, and jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous in the least, Mike. I am pissed that, once again, you brought her to something for the kids without asking me first. But I guess I shouldn’t expect you to do the right thing.” I stand and hold my hand out to her as I remove my mitten. “It’s nice to meet you, Krista. Enjoy my leftovers.”

  I sit back down and see Gwen purse her lips. A small smile threatens to spread across her face.

  Mike begins to speak as the whistle blows, so I interrupt him. “Mike, the game’s about to start. I’d offer you a chair, but I’m saving one for—”

  “Did I miss anything?” Grandma Kay asks as she approaches, searching for Marlow on the field.

  Gwen and I both
stand to hug her. She notices Mike out of the corner of her eye. She glances him up and down, paying extra attention to his hand intertwined with Krista’s.

  “Hello, Mike. How are you?” she asks politely.

  “I’m good, Kay, thanks for asking.” He glares at me before he and Krista head toward the bleachers. Throughout the game, I catch Krista watching me. It secretly thrills me to know she wonders about me. The craving for chocolate remains as strong as ever.

  Kale returns and spends his time alternating between sitting with us and sitting with his dad. Poor kid. He’s trying so hard to be what he thinks we need him to be.

  After the game, Marlow runs to Mike and Krista. I try to pretend it doesn’t bother me, but I feel Grandma Kay’s hand on my shoulder and I’m aware she recognizes my heartache.

  “You know, I’m still waiting for you to visit. That door needs to be painted.”

  “I think it’s wrong that he brought her here and worse yet that he introduced her to me.”

  Grandma Kay listens intently. “You feel what you feel, but it’s not going to stop him from seeing her. You can’t control what he does; you can only control your reaction to it. My guess is you’ve given them plenty to discuss.”

  My head falls to the side in hearing her logic. She’s right as usual. I drop my purse and take a step, reminding myself I need to move forward. Kale follows closely behind as I wander toward Mike, Krista, and Marlow.

  Mike and Krista’s heads turn toward me abruptly, probably in preparation for more negativity.

  “Mom, did you see my goal?” Marlow asks.

  “Yes, baby. It was awesome!” I say enthusiastically.

  “Krista, I’d like to start over if that’s okay. I wasn’t expecting to see Mike here, much less you, and it took me by surprise.”

  She glances to Mike’s shocked expression and smiles understandingly at me. “Of course. I will make sure Mike discusses my presence with you from now on.”

  I nod my head to her, ignoring Mike. “Okay, kids, let’s get your stuff and get ready to go home.”

  I wave back to them as I walk away and notice Mike staring after me. It’s clear that I surprised him, and it makes me feel good. I don’t want him to think he knows me. I’m not who I was when we were married, and I’ll never be that woman again.