by Aurora Smith
“We should do the talent show together. I have no one to do anything with and I’m desperate. Tortellini makes you get up there, no matter what.
“What’s his deal anyways?” I asked.
“I dunno. He’s just a jerk. Maybe it’s all the love business. Watching everyone else fall in love because of you and then being forever alone.”
“How come he hates Maya so much?”
“I have no idea; I’m assuming it’s all the pranks she’s pulled on him. That coupled with everything she gets away with around here is probably it.”
“I shouldn’t have said what I said to her,” I said and Abby snickered.
“Oh, boy. You really shouldn’t have said that. Who wants nightmare as their enemy. That little girl has got a temper on her.”
“Perhaps I could go and talk to her and you could be my character witness?”
“That’s a great idea. Let me get my pants on. Literally, I need to get pants on before I dry out or this will look very suspicious.” She winked at me and waited for me to leave.
“I’ll wait over here.” I pointed to the path.
This was the right thing to do. Maya and I didn’t have to be together, but I lied to her and I didn’t want her to think that that’s all she really was.
“Alright, let’s go, lover boy.” Abby walked up behind me, her pajama pants and sweatshirt firmly on her body and I followed her through the darkness.
“She’s going to be mad,” I said, worried.
“Yes,” she agreed.
“Should you go ahead of me and tell her how sad I am?”
“You don’t look very sad,” she said giving me raised eyebrows and a “you’re a jerk” face.
“It must be the scars because I’m very sad.” I smiled, feeling a little relieved that I was doing this instead of running away like I had been planning.
“So you asked me about my fin, can I ask you about your face?”
“I got burnt,” I murmured.
“Thank you, Captain Obvious. How did you get burned?”
“It happened in my lab in France, just a chemical mishap.”
“Ah, that sucks.” She put her had on my back, her friendship suddenly meaning the world to me.
“Thanks.” I smiled at her then followed her silently back to the girls’ cabins.
The sun was beginning to come up and I wondered if this was a good idea, wouldn’t Mother Nature be getting up? I expressed this fear to her and she rolled her eyes.
“That chick does nothing. She literally does nothing. Her little animals scamper around doing everything for her. All of the girls in the room have a little pet, you’ve seen Maya’s macaw. I have this little ground hog thing that follows me around everywhere. They report back to her and meanwhile she gets to bask in her own beauty.”
“So I won’t get in trouble in there?”
“Well, you will if you get caught!” Abby rolled her eyes.
“Perhaps I should just wait for breakfast.” I said, thinking that was the best way to go here.
“Sure, or you could be incredibly romantic and do something about what you said.”
“I don’t plan on being romantic. The fact remains that she doesn’t know if what she feels for me is real or not,” I said, feeling more burning in my chest.
“True. But, if I can put my two cents in, I think she likes you for real. She had this curiosity about you before and getting to know you just added to it.”
“Abby, look at me.” I grabbed her arm and spun her around to face me. “Look at my face. I’m a freak.” I almost shook her to try and get her to understand.
Abby put both of her hands on my face and made me look her in the eyes. “I know. But what are you going to do? Until you figure out how to get rid of that face, you’re stuck with it. It’s not about what’s out here, it’s how you treat people that matters.” I blew out and hunched my shoulders, ashamed of how I was acting.
“Fine, take me to her.”
“Oh, how romantic. This is fun!” Abby clapped her hands and I couldn’t help but smile at the funny, shy girl who lived her existence instead of trying to change it. She sure kicked my butt just now and while the feelings of regret for what I had done to Ashley deepened, I couldn’t do anything about it, at least not right away.
“Ok, come with me and be quiet!” Abby shushed me, even though I wasn’t saying anything.
We tip-toed down the hallway and stopped in front of room six. Abby turned around and put her fingers to her lips then slowly opened the door. I didn’t even have to go into the room to see Maya; she was sitting on her bed, her knees up to her chest and wiping tears from her face.
Chapter Twenty-One
She spotted me through the cracked door, her sad face turning to stone. Trouble. How come I kept either saying something stupid or doing something stupid? I was such a guy. It was hard going from ladies’ man that got anyone they wanted but picking the easy ones to being truly humbled and getting the attention of the real deal then constantly messing up. I didn’t know if she could offer me anything but friendship but I would take it. Friends were few and far between when you looked like I looked.
It sounded better than having a Nightmare for an enemy, anyway.
I smiled at her, trying to convey off the bat that I was sorry—it worked. She smiled at me and came over to the door and slowly opened it enough for her to come through and joined me in the hallway.
“Liam, you’re a jerk,” she said and I laughed, but only because of how insanely true it was.
“I know. I didn’t mean it.”
“Well, if you thought I was prude before, then you ain’t seen nothing yet, pal.” She looked sternly at me and I expected as much.
“Maya, I really do like you but I’m not going to pursue anything anymore. I’m assuming by all the odds that are against me that what you’re feeling is actually not real, like your dad said. How about I just be your friend and I can admire you from afar? You deserve more than me anyways.”
“But, I…I really feel like it’s real,” she said to me and my heart broke again.
“Just stop, please.” I bumped her chin and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning, we can continue with our supervised science classes.” Turning around before I found myself hugging her knees and begging her to love me, I walked down the hall and out of the cabin, the muscles pulling me back towards her but I pushed them forward. The smell of the oncoming morning brought on new convictions. I needed to find a cure for the affliction that was brought onto my body; if Maya didn’t really like me now, then when I was beautiful, she would like me for real.
***
I managed to watch three weeks go by without completely losing it and going back on my resolution to not pursue Maya. We spent the mornings in close proximity while I pretended to mix chemicals that looked impressive as they bubbled and stewed and sent off waves of smells that only a real scientist could make. She treated me like a friend and it only made me like her more. She was funny and unassumingly charming. I enjoyed her friendship though, so I would not complain about how much my heart hurt.
Justin and I hadn’t spoken directly about what had happened with Sheila but we had spent some time together, talking in the evenings and understanding each other more, our relationship deepening because of it. His mind seemed to be slowly reverting in age with every conversation we had. I couldn’t tell if it was the fact that he was a clone or if it was some kind of mental damage that was a result from that night when he had a hand in killing Sheila. I wasn’t sure how to go about finding out without freaking him out. I alerted my father by mail but had yet to hear anything back.
Abby and I spent many hours in the afternoon preparing for the talent show. That whole thing was a joke and it was those hours that I longed to leave Camp Neverwhere and be done with the whole thing. It did manage to be the only thing with any kind of structure around this place, and one was forced to participate. The talentless left ridiculed and the rest of us w
ere in a meat market of judgment. We had decided that a magic show would be fun, me with my science persona and her with the desire to not be seen.
The nights though, they are what really kept me going. I found a little spot deep in the woods that was sure to keep me covered by its less traveled road. With all of the beakers, Bunsen burners and chemicals I had managed to smuggle to camp, I had a nice little setup going. I worked endlessly into the night, functioning on only one thing: a cure that would revert my face back to normal. I swallowed mouthfuls of concoction after concoction, willing my face to change, and at times it would. Rarely would it go in the right direction. I’ve seen my face change shape and the skin tone has gone from lighter to darker. These nights of failure had used up most of Ashley’s antidote, which meant I might have to actually start mixing some more up for her with Maya there. I was becoming increasingly exhausted by my constant attempts and disappointments but the obsession was deepening the closer I got. Just last night I watched as the scars faded, my face staying the same but my eyebrows starting to grow over my eyes minutes after I saw my real face peak out from behind the new, disgusting one.
I looked at my new mixture through goggled eyes. It bubbled and hissed nosily. The night and thick trees provided a nice cover for me, but it was dark and the depth of the forest was dank and lonely. I had lit candles around the tables for light but I didn’t like them. I knew a little candle couldn’t hurt me if I was carful but I still didn’t like the heat I felt whenever I passed over one. Plus it wasn’t even fire that started this whole mess; it was the combination of two chemicals that should never have even been on the same table to begin with. If I let myself think about it too much I would begin to despise myself even more than I already did.
My log that kept track of my progress was becoming incoherent, the writing sloppy and angry as I crossed out possible equations and added other thoughts. I had a light purple liquid in front of me right now, boiling rapidly and letting off a soft honey smell. It was comforting and I believed it was going to work. I believed this about everything I tried though, and in the back of my mind I knew that this was going to end the way it always did.
I took my long pliers and pinched the test tube, bringing it away from the fire and letting it cool down. I crossed my arms and glared at the liquid, already angry at it for not doing what I wanted it too. It was only a few elements away from what I had succeeded with last time, less sodium chloride and more fat from a fox. I bit my lip as I watched the bubbles calm, my hopes (my dreadful hopes) rising again. I stared at the new piece of paper that had the ingredients to what I had just made—basic science manipulated to do what I wanted it too—the pen lying sideways on top of the equation, ready for me to grab it and violently blot the calculation out of consideration.
Sighing, I took the gloves off of my hands and slowly placed them to the side on top of one another, taking extra time to make sure they lined up. I was stalling. Each time I tried this I became more anal and angry at everything around me. I turned my attention back to the purple liquid, the lavender hue reminding me of Maya. The thought of her face pushed my fingers forward and I grabbed the tube and brought it to my lips.
It tasted awful, worse than usual; like blood and rotten eggs. It was coagulated as it went down my throat and burned the base of my belly. I clutched my stomach but ignored the pain as I made my way to the little mirror. No, my eyebrows hadn’t grown back at all, that was good. The skin on my face was changing, but it wasn’t going back to normal. It was reddening and the scars were bubbling. That can’t be good. I kept watching, my temper numb and my hands shaking. The bumps under my scars were beginning to move around and the scars began to fade. I grabbed the mirror and held it closer, repeating the words ‘come on’ over and over again. My red, puffy skin started to fade, my tan skin coming back and I thought that maybe I had actually created a cure, but that thought quickly dissolved as the tan turned bluish and my lips began drooping in the corners. Yes my scars were gone but I looked like a sad, hairless clown painting that was getting rained on while still wet.
I threw the mirror onto the table, not taking the time to care that it broke. I took the pen and began crossing out equations, taking no time to stop, and started refiguring numbers.
***
I had turned blue four days ago and I’d become three different shades since, but my scars had been fading each time. I couldn’t sleep anymore. It was all I could do to stay away from my secret spot in the forest, but my desire for solitude kept me from going there during the day. Maya was still treating me the same—like a friend, but I could tell she desired more; I needed to be more for her. I took a hasty swig of the yellow liquid, burning per the norm, but I already knew it wouldn’t work. The itching was uncontrollable. I wanted to rip my face off, it hurt so badly.
***
Nineteen days ago I came close again. So close. My face came back to normal and blondish fuzz started to grow on the top of my head. I felt the soft hair and I imagined Maya putting her fingers through it, stopping at the base of my neck and using the roots to steer me towards her. I still couldn’t sleep and my stomach rejected even the thought of food. My mouth was constantly dry and I noticed that my hands shook when I worked. That was dangerous and I decided to make something for myself to help me sleep. Abby was upset at me, claiming that I wasn’t taking the talent show seriously. The only reason I was doing it to begin with was so that I could somehow impress Maya.
***
Ox hair, antimony oxy sulfide, sodium chloride, arsenic trioxide, aqua ammonia; this was all I cared about. I could hardly hold a beaker up to my mouth anymore; an ounce had become heavy for me. My muscles were deteriorating, I had loose skin on my stomach where toned abdominals used to be. I drank the white liquid and it tasted bitter, like poison, so I spit it out. It was a good thing I did because my teeth began to ache and the pain became so intense that I had to huddle in a fetal position for comfort. There was no one around me to help me so I tried to wash my mouth out with the stream water that was a few hundred yards away. I crawled on my belly to the cold water; it refreshed me and eased my pain. I quickly gulped the last of the antidote, the bit that was meant for Ashley. I turned back to the mess of a man that I was and I hated myself even more.
***
I only had nine days left of camp, the ridiculous talent show was the next day, and I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn’t spoken to Maya in over a week. She accused me of hurting myself; she had no idea what I was doing. I was at a golden liquid that hardly bubbled no matter how hot I got it; it was a good thing that the fire didn’t bother me anymore. What could it possibly do to me? Burn me? The fears of the simple minded are ridiculous and rarely come to light. I already hated this liquid in front of me. If it turned to a poisonous gas again I was not going to spit it out. Death could take me for all I cared. I had nothing to live for if I didn’t conquer over my situation. I was the scientist, these inanimate objects would no longer rule over me. I would conquer or I would die trying.
It hurt to move but I managed to pick up the beaker and put it to my mouth. It was already cold when it hit my tongue, which was not normal, and it slid easily down my throat. I waited for the burning, but it didn’t come. I shuffled through the sticks to a new mirror that I’d managed to not break, and I looked into it. Nothing. My old face looked at me as though I’d drunk nothing. I hit my hand on the table; it shook for a moment but nothing severe happened to it. Two months ago the table would have broken in half under the weight of my anger.
I didn’t go to my notebook and try to correct an error and I didn’t go back to my beakers. I just started my walk back to the boys’ cabin where Justin would meet me like he did every night and we would talk about nothing of importance. I would like to say that I enjoyed when he visited me, and I remembered liking it in the beginning, but his constant rambling made me want to scream. If I had the energy to scream. The thought of having to look at Justin’s face, my face, the face that he stole from me, m
ade me furious and I began to shake as I stutter-stepped down the trail I had created from weeks and weeks of use.
It took me almost an hour to get back to the camp. I stumbled into the boys’ bathroom and leaned over the sink and splashed cold water over my face; it comforted me for a moment but the furious feeling I got that went along with relief came flooding back and I spit into the sink, expelling the water I swished around on my dry tongue.
“Liam?” I heard Justin’s voice but it sounded like he was in a tunnel, yelling at me from the other end. I slowly turned my face toward him and I felt confused by his questioning eyes. He caught me, but I didn’t realize I was falling, and he laid me on the cold floor. It felt good and I closed my eyes, wanting to just be.
“Liam, are you ok?” Justin asked in French, and I tried to answer, but no words came out. My tongue was paralyzed. I touched it and I felt nothing except that it was swelling. Sudden panic came over me. This was it. I had consumed an experimental liquid with no antidote and now I would become even more disfigured than before, or maybe, just maybe, I would die and I wouldn’t be consumed with the pain that haunted every mirror I looked into. I rolled onto my stomach and looked at my palms, the wrinkled, burnt skin start to slide toward the floor. Behind the scars was blood and a thick gushing ooze that clumped to the floor along with my skin.
Shocked, I put my hands to my face and felt a pain that I’d never felt before. My face burned and it was sliding. My blood was falling to the floor in constant drips and membranes were sticking to my palms. It stretched like a spider web and it smelled of the dead.
“What’s happening!” I try to scream but I didn’t know if Justin could understand me, my tongue was so engorged. I remained on my knees, pulling skin off of my face, sure that it was coming off of the bones and I would soon die.
Chapter Twenty-Two