The Renegade

by J. R. Ward

  “You sound like my sisters.” But he picked up the napkin, unwrapped the heavy silver and leaned to one side, considering what was on the plate.

  He looked about as enthused as someone facing a traffic jam.

  After dropping a couple of peas on the way to his mouth, and struggling to cut up the meat, he leaned back against the pillow. He wasn’t giving up, she thought. Just bored and uninterested.

  “Here, let me help you.” She snatched the fork from his hand.

  “I don’t need—”

  Ignoring him, she sat down on the mattress and put the plate in her lap. With a low groan, he deliberately moved his body away. Even though it made him wince.

  Trying to ignore his aversion, she made busy work cutting up the roast. Then she loaded the fork and faced off with him.

  He glared at her, lips pressed tight.

  “Open your mouth,” she said.

  “I’m not a child.”

  “Then prove it. Accept the help you need and eat.”

  Oh, man, he was pissed off. His body was practically vibrating.

  But he did what she asked. And as soon as the fork was clean, she piled it high again.

  On the fourth trip to his mouth, she made a mistake. She watched his lips as they parted. Watched the bright white of his front teeth clamp down on the silver. Watched the fork emerge, empty. She saw his jaw working as he chewed, the hollows under his cheekbones undulating. Then his Adam’s apple slid up and down in his throat as he swallowed.

  She became curiously aware of the width of his shoulders. Of the thick cords of muscle that ran up his neck. Of the way his hair curled over the collar of his shirt.

  “Cassandra,” he snapped. As if he’d said her name more than once.

  Startled, she looked at his face. His eyes were cold.

  “I said, that’s enough. I’ll take it from here.”

  He grabbed the fork and the plate.

  Cass got off the bed. “I’ll be back for the dishes.”

  “Don’t bother.”

  “It’s no—”

  “Besides, I’m sure you’ll be otherwise occupied at the end of the night.”

  “What?”

  “Does O’Banyon like to get babied? You cut up his meat for him, too? Mommy love ain’t a turn-on for me, but hey, every man’s different, right?”

  It was hard to know whether his tone or his words were more insulting, she thought.

  She opened her mouth, but he cut her off.

  “Before you tell me I’m a bastard, I already know that. And if you’re thinking of branching out from there, I’ve had bigger, tougher and more creative sailors take a run at my hide. You’re going to have to do a real stand-up job with the curses to come up with anything fresh, sweetheart. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s baby cakes, isn’t it?”

  His eyes raked over her with such complete dismissal, she felt as though she was mostly invisible but that what little he saw of her, he despised.

  He laughed at her silence. “Not even going to take a try at it? Good call. Because there’s absolutely nothing you can say to me that’ll be a news flash.”

  She brushed her hair back, hand trembling. In the space of a minute, he’d driven her to the brink of tears. Again.

  “I just don’t understand why I’m so repulsive to you,” she whispered. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve—”

  She stopped. Showing more vulnerability was not a smart move.

  Cass turned away as the first humiliating tear got stuck in her lashes.

  Damn it, she was not going to cry in front of him.

  As she bolted across the room, the curse he let out was low and vile.

  “Cassandra.”

  She grabbed for the door.

  “Cassandra.”

  When she heard a flurry of activity on the bed and something hit the floor, she looked over her shoulder.

  Alex was upright and wildly off balance, trying to lurch toward her after having dropped the crutch. If he went much farther, he was going to fall on his face. She rushed back for him.

  Chapter Three

  Alex had a feeling he was headed for the floor, but he didn’t care.

  Man, he’d been wrong. She had surprised him. Her soft, sad words had ripped through his chest.

  As he tumbled forward into thin air, she lunged for him. But the moment before her body met his, he pushed her aside and threw his arms out, bracing himself for impact. Going solo for the thin oriental rug was a no-brainer.

  Because however hard the floor was going to be, knowing how she felt against him would be harder.

  He took the brunt of the fall on his right shoulder. By some blessing, his fragile leg was spared, though his other knee got twisted in the process. As he rolled over onto his back with a nasty curse, he saw he’d thrown her on the bed. He caught a gorgeous flash of her calf and thigh before she rearranged her skirt and stood up.

  He knew damn well he’d better get going with the apology. She was on the express train out of his room and who could blame her?

  “I’m sorry,” he said roughly.

  She glanced down at him. Her eyes were too shiny.

  Ah, hell, he’d made her cry.

  “I’m damn sorry.”

  There was no real reaction, just a shift of her shoulders. “I’d offer to help you up, but I know you won’t let me.”

  “Cassandra, I—” He banged his head back against the floor in frustration. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. And you don’t…repulse me.”

  Her laugh was a travesty. Which made sense because in a way, so was his apology. But what was he supposed to say?

  I want you until I hurt. Until I sweat.

  I love you with a raw, bleeding need that I’ve never understood.

  And all I know for sure is that you can never be mine.

  “I don’t repulse you,” she repeated slowly. “Is that why you’d rather fall down than have me touch you? God, you are the only person in my adult life who’s ever made me feel dirty.”

  He cursed again. “That’s not—”

  “Please.” She held her hand out and moved away. “Please, don’t say anything else. I don’t think I can bear any more of your apology. It’s worse than your insults.”

  “Damn it, come here,” he commanded.

  Her eyes flared. “Screw you.”

  When she made a move to step over him, he grabbed her ankle, holding her tight. “Come. Down. Here.”

  “Go. To. Hell.”

  “Cassandra…please.”

  She put her hands on her hips and leaned over, her hair falling forward. As he breathed in, he could smell the herbal shampoo she used.

  The scent dragged him right back to the one sailing jaunt he’d taken with her and Reese years ago. Reese had insisted that Alex come along, and it had been clear that the man had hoped to get his wife and his best friend on better terms. That trip had been hell. They were supposed to have been gone for five days. Alex had left the boat after two, hopping off at the first port they’d come to.

  He’d tried so hard to find fault with her. He’d been desperate to latch on to annoying habits, turns of phrases that irritated him, small rudenesses that proved she wasn’t even close to the image of perfection he’d created in his mind. Instead, he’d gotten to know the different shades of her laughter. Her offbeat sense of humor. Her capacity to savor the sun setting into the ocean with the same sad reverence that beat in his own chest.

  And being in close quarters with her had made him mental. Every time he’d taken a shower, he’d smelled her shampoo as if the stuff had saturated the air just to mock him. He hadn’t been able to use the bar of soap at all because he knew it had been over her skin.

  The nights had been…unbearable.

  But all that was before she’d walked in and seen him naked. Or rather, he’d come out of the head after a shower, assuming she and Reese were off the boat swimming. He’d heard the sound of indrawn breath and looked over his shoulder. She’d been in the
galley kitchen pouring lemonade, and the glass and the pitcher had come unconnected as she’d stared at him. The sound of splashing liquid had been loud in the silence.

  He’d covered himself with a towel and leaped back into the head. Gathering himself over the little sink, he’d thanked God that she’d only seen the back of him. Because the front had grown hard and heavy the instant he’d felt her eyes on him.

  He’d left the boat within the hour.

  Now, as he breathed in again and the scent of her hair tunneled into his nose, he wanted to pull her down on top of him and bury his face in those copper waves. He wanted one of her thighs on either side of his hips. He wanted that skirt of hers up around her waist. He wanted—

  “Let go of me,” she said tightly.

  “No. Come closer.” He paused and tacked on, “Please.”

  He hoped the word would work its magic once again.

  As she slowly dropped to her knees, she seemed more confused than angry. He wanted to reach out and take her hand in his. He didn’t dare.

  “Look, Cassandra, I’ve spent too much time on the sea with ex-frat boys who are past civil redemption. And my social skills were in the crapper before all that. My temper’s always been sharp, but lately I’ve been god-awful to be around. I shouldn’t have asked you to come up here.” He cleared his throat. “So I really am sorry.”

  Her clear, green eyes traced over his face. Such intelligent eyes, he thought. Such warm eyes, though their color was pale.

  Gradually the tension left her forehead and her mouth, and she stopped blinking so much.

  “You can make it up to me.”

  “How?” he asked.

  “Tell me about your leg. Is it healing?”

  Even though the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about was his injury, he figured he owed her an answer.

  “No. It’s not getting better. They took out the bone and put in a titanium rod. The damn thing didn’t take, so they installed a different kind six weeks ago. I’ll find out on Monday what happens next.”

  “What if it didn’t work again?”

  “Then I’m out of options.”

  “Out of—” She covered her beautiful mouth with a hand. The pinkie trembled against her jawline. “Oh, Alex.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. No matter what happens, I’ll deal with it. It’s fine.”

  And no more than he deserved for letting a fine man die. Her man die.

  He thrust his palms into the floor and pushed his torso upright.

  “Will you let me help you up?” she asked.

  “No. But you can bring me my crutch.”

  He hated the idea of hauling himself off the floor in front of her and was grateful when she didn’t stare. After he was back on the bed, he shut his eyes, suddenly exhausted.

  He heard her moving across the room, toward the door.

  “Please finish the food. It will help you heal,” she said softly. When he didn’t reply, she pressed. “I’ll be back to pick that plate up. I’m hoping it will be clean.”

  The door opened and shut.

  Dimly he became aware that his leg was throbbing to the beat of his heart. He waited to see if the shooting agony would go away. The pain got worse.

  He knew what that meant. It was going to be a long night.

  Alex looked over at his collection of prescription bottles. Reaching past the antibiotics and the anticoagulants and all the other horse pills his doctors wanted him to suck back, he zeroed in on the pain meds. He hated taking the damn things because they put him out, but after that fall, he knew he was going to pay for the hard impact. Popping open the vial, he took two of the knockout specials and then eyed the food.

  With a groan, he leaned down toward the floor. And picked up the scotch bottle.

  As he unscrewed the top and caught a whiff of oblivion, he thought of Cassandra.

  Then looked back over at the plate she’d brought him.

  Goddamn it, he was not going to feel guilty because he wanted to get good and wasted. There was nothing wrong about seeking the simple darkness of rest, as opposed to the twisted torture of nightmares.

  Okay, so the alcohol didn’t really work. At least not for very long. Somehow the hell of the storm always managed to fight through the scotch fog, chewing him up and spitting him out shaky and sweaty and sick to his stomach.

  But the brown stuff did get him a couple hours of sleep.

  He brought the mouth of the bottle to his lips. And found his eyes on the plate of food again.

  * * *

  “Is everything all right up there?” Gray asked as Cass walked into the dining room. “We heard something hit the floor. Something big.”

  “Everything’s fine.”

  Her friend narrowed his shrewd eyes but let the subject drop.

  Cass got some food and headed for the empty seat next to Sean. The man stood up and pulled out her chair.

  “Did I tell you I spoke with Mick Rhodes?” Sean asked as he pushed the seat in under her. “He loves what you did to his place in Greenwich. Thinks you’re an architectural genius as well as one hell of a general contractor.”

  She smiled, thinking of Rhodes and the antique, six-bedroom Colonial in Greenwich he loved so much. Some people had great love for their houses and he was one of them. The man had been like a mother hen with a chick.

  “He was a prince to work for.”

  Sean eyed her dryly. “We talking about the same guy? Because Rhodes has been described as a lot of things. Prince usually isn’t one of them.”

  “He was fine with me. We had a lot of fun together on that project.”

  “Amazing,” Sean muttered as he picked up his wineglass and leaned back in the chair. “So I’ve been meaning to ask you, what kind of projects are you doing now?”

  “I haven’t been working much since—” she cleared her throat “—since Reese died.”

  She felt a strong hand on her shoulder and glanced over at O’Banyon’s hard face. His gray eyes were always flinty, even when he was in a good mood, but at this moment, they were as close to warm as ice could get.

  “How you been doing?” he asked quietly, his Boston accent bleeding into the words.

  “Better than I thought.” She smiled. “We were great friends, he and I. Even today I caught myself reaching for the cell phone. I was down by the lake. The waves were choppy and gray and the sky was milky white and the mountains were almost purple, and I thought, I need to call Reese and tell him what this looks like.”

  She stared down at her food. Her appetite was gone and she thought of Alex, upstairs. No wonder he had no interest in eating. He’d lost his best friend, his partner. He’d been through multiple operations. And he was now facing the possible amputation of a leg.

  “Anything I can do?” Sean said.

  She covered his hand with her own. “I’ll get through this. And work’s going to help. In fact, I’d love to find a project I could totally sink into. I think I’m ready.”

  “Are you truly looking for something to do?” Joy asked gently from the head of the table.

  Cass smiled at the younger woman who had become a friend. “Yes.”

  “Would you be willing to take a look at White Caps?”

  “Your family’s house?”

  Joy nodded. “We’d like to try and repair the fire damage quickly so we can reopen for next season in June. We just don’t know where to start. Or who to trust.”

  “You run a B and B out of the mansion, don’t you?”

  “Yes. That’s why we want to move fast.”

  Cass thought about it for a moment. “We could go tomorrow morning before Sean and I leave for the city.”

  “That would be wonderful. I didn’t want to ask you, but we’d really appreciate your guidance.”

  “How much did the fire take?”

  “The kitchen and the staff quarters got the worst of it, but two guest bedrooms were damaged as well. Fortunately, the insurance company is going to p
ay up.”

  “Well…I’d love to take a look at it.”

  When dinner was over, Cass helped Libby clean up in the kitchen. By the time they were finished, all the guests had turned in for the night. As Cass headed upstairs, she told herself there was no reason to go back to Alex’s room.

  She was arguing with herself when she realized she was standing in front of his door.

  Slowly turning the knob, she put her head in. In the glow from the bedside lamp, she saw that he was still lying on top of the covers. There was a book facedown in his lap and his eyes were squeezed shut. Although he might have technically been asleep, considering the tension in his face, he was not resting.

  Stepping inside, she shut the door so light from the outside hall wouldn’t wake him up. She was very quiet as she walked through the dim room, focusing only on the man stretched out so immense and motionless on the bed. When her foot knocked into something, she looked down. It was a scotch bottle that was mostly empty. As she righted the thing, she glanced at the prescription pills by the lamp. She recognized some of the names. They were big-league painkillers.

  She watched his breathing. It was very slow.

  What if he’d mixed the drugs with alcohol?

  She glanced at the plate. At least he’d eaten most of the food she’d brought him.

  “Alex?” she said softly.

  She touched his forearm. His skin was warm.

  “Alex?”

  Bending down, she took a sniff through her nose. She couldn’t detect any liquor smell at all, and his breathing was regular.

  He’s fine, she thought. Just asleep. So pick up that plate and leave the poor man alone.

  Instead, she stared down at his face, thinking about the way he’d lashed out at her and then apologized with such rough honesty.

  On a crazy impulse she put her hand out and touched his cheek.

  She immediately reeled her arm back in. Boy, he’d have tossed her out on her ass if he’d been awake.

  But he wasn’t. And the hard lines of his face drew her like nothing ever had.

  She reached out again.

  * * *

  Alex came awake the moment something brushed over his cheek, but he didn’t move, didn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t tell whether he was dreaming or not.