Slowly but surely, the shivering dies off and my teeth stop chattering. When I’m satisfied that I’m warm enough I slowly stand, making sure all my muscles are working properly and strip my wet clothing from me. I decide to leave them in the shower; I can't be dealing with them now, all I want is my bed and sleep; no nightmares.
I step out the shower, wrap a towel around my head, then one around my body, pulling it tight to keep the warmth in. I quickly dry myself off, rubbing my skin harshly so the blood keeps pumping. Then I dash upstairs and pull out my winter pyjamas. Quickly dressing, I grab my hairdryer and blast my hair on the hottest setting; it doesn’t take long to dry.
Moments later, I am back downstairs with my wet towels. In a daze, I reach the bathroom and hang them up to dry, then I go to the patio door, un-lock it, and open it a little, letting the warm breeze flow into the studio and warm it back up.
My head is still banging, so I decide to take some Nurofen. I walk over to the cupboard under the sink and fall to my knees, I still feel so weak; I guess that’s having no food in my system. I find my little medicine box and open it up, and there staring at me is a brand new bottle of Night Nurse. I always have some just in-case I catch something in the winter, it’s really good at knocking you out so you don’t wake up coughing or sneezing. Which give me an idea!
I know I shouldn’t, but I do - I grab the bottle, snap of the plastic safety cap, twist the top of and take several glugs, it actually tastes quiet nice and soothes my burning lungs from being sick so much. I know I shouldn’t take it for any other reason than sickness, but I’ll do anything not to re-live that, I don’t want another nightmare about it, I don’t think I could take it.
Figuring I have about half an hour before it kicks in, I decide to eat the rest of my pizza, I carefully reheat it in the microwave, and grab a carton of coconut milk – very good at settling the stomach – and curl up on the sofa.
I eat and drink in a daze, barely aware of the film still playing. When I’m done, I lock up and take my sorry ass up to bed...
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I WAKE UP ABSOLUTELY SWELTERING; the sun has risen and is blasting through the studio. I must have climbed into bed last night with my P’J’s still on and my king size quilt is completely wrapped around me. I quickly scramble up, kicking my feet to free myself of this unbearable heat. Oh my god, I’m melting!
I decide to try the air-con out again, but this time on a lower setting. Running down the stairs, I turn it on low and feel it start to cool the room, then I tip toe back upstairs. As I reach my bed I glance at my alarm clock. 5.04am, only another couple of hours to go and I’ll be swimming.
I strip my P’J’s and leave them on the floor – Boy I’m getting untidy! – And get back into bed, as I do, I have to smile – No nightmares, a restful sleep, I feel so much better for it.
I turn on my side to go back to sleep, five minutes later I am turning on my other side. Five minutes after that I am flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. All I am seeing every time I close my eyes are images of Tristan, the way he looks at me, how his eyes light up, his mannerisms, his thick dark hair, his soulful eyes, his protective way around me.
I shake my head at myself and run my hand through my hair, trying as hard as I can to hide the stupid grin that is spreading across my face. Joyce is going to think I’m a complete lunatic walking around smiling all day, I hardly ever smile at work – Oh! That’s not good!
I wonder for a second if I actually come across as a miserable cow that everyone avoids? I mean, none of the other secretaries have ever offered for me to go out to lunch with them? And I know they all get together once a month on a Friday for a girls night out, not invited me to that either! I snort, wouldn’t go anyway! – Precisely so what are you going on about Coral?
Feeling too hyped up to sleep, I decide to go for an early morning run on the beach. Dressing in my training gear I head downstairs, clean my teeth, wash my face, and for a fleeting moment I stare back at the woman in the mirror, I don’t look so good – Shit!
Look at the state of my eyes. They are so puffy that I don’t think I’ll be able to wear any mascara today – Great! That’s it! No more stupid crying, especially if this is what it does to you – Oh no! Joyce is going to know I’ve been crying, which means she’ll call Gladys, I know she will, and then Gladys will call me and she’ll be all upset – Double Crap!
As I turn to head out the bathroom, I spy my wet clothing still in the shower and I’m instantly reminded of why they are there – I still myself and close my eyes – It’s ok, he can't hurt you, he’s gone he’s not here!
I take a deep breath in, then exhale slowly as though I’m blowing the memory out of me, another trick from good old George! Bending down, I pick up my soaked clothing, squeezing as much water out of them as I can, and decide to hang them outside on the railing, they shouldn’t take too long to dry in the sunshine.
AS I PACE ALONG THE BEACH my mind wonders over everything that’s happened over the past couple of days. Honestly I’m dreading Friday, I don’t want to have to tell George anything, but on the flip side, I know I need help, I can't keep letting it haunt me. I push the thought away and pace harder, the sun is already scorching, almost burning my bare shoulders and I’m sweating buckets.
I stop for a while before I do another sprint and stare at the ocean, watching the waves rolling in and out. I wish I could be like a wave, each one completely different from the one before, everything new and fresh. I inhale deeply, I love the smell of the sea, it’s the best smell In the world – well it was until – Stop! – Don’t think about him, I chastise.
I decide to have a pit stop and sit down on the pebbles. I pause my MP3 player which has been blaring Funhouse; my favourite pink album, and place it down in front of me. As I sit there assessing my emotions, the one that seems to be the most prominent is anger, so I decide to question it. Ok, so why am I angry?
Well I guess I’m pissed Joyce is leaving, I’ll miss her like crazy, I love working for her. But more importantly, I’ll be losing a family member, a beloved aunty, and I’ve already lost a beloved uncle. Tears prick my eyes; just thinking about John’s funeral is enough to make me start blubbering again. God knows how Joyce is feeling - What else?
I search the inner recesses of my mind nothing seems to come up about Tristan that’s making me angry so I move on – Gladys?
Yep definitely pissed about that, even though I know I shouldn’t be, but why am I? Ok so weirdly enough I think there’s a little jealousy going on there – Why?
I shake my head at myself, because deep down inside I know it’s because I feel like it’s the wrong way round. Surely it should be the kids getting married first, like...well, it should be me getting hitched and not Gladys. It should be me finding the one, not Gladys – That’s ridiculous! I castigate myself harshly – Be happy for her Coral, it’s not her problem you’re a fuck-up who hasn’t...I stop myself there – Ok so get rid of the stupid jealousy! I nod in agreement with myself.
Squinting my eyes from the glare of the sun, I stare out onto the sparkling ocean and take another deep breath before continuing – What else?
I sigh heavily, life is changing. I evidently can't let myself in with my key anymore – The kitchen scene from last night at Gladys’s comes brightly and vividly into my mind’s eye. Ew! I immediately try to replace it, takes a while. I think it will haunt me forever!
But most importantly, I won’t see Gladys every day. I won’t be able to hug her, or laugh with her, have a lazy Sunday roast or…I sniff loudly, and swipe at my tears. Stupid god damn tears! Why the hell am I crying so much?
Ok, so I’ll miss her, like crazy, like I wouldn’t believe. I already do and she hasn’t even gone yet – so I assess again. What’s so bad about her moving away, what am I so afraid of?
Pain! – The answer is clear and immediate. I don’t want the pain and the heartache I already know I’m going to endure when she’s gone. The emptiness, the hollow
feeling that I have no family because I know that’s how it’s going to feel. Just like it did when I no longer had either parent – Assholes! – I take a moment to calm myself down – Anything else?
Of course, Gladys is getting hitched. When Debs got hitched I was a bridesmaid for her, after months and months of her begging me to do it – “You are my sister, my best friend. The one person in the world I will always love above all others. Please baby sis, do it for me” Her constant whining had me crumbling in the end and I wore her stupid dress. Actually, it was a very beautiful dress, midnight satin blue, fitted bodice and deep flowing skirt – I still have it, that’s how much I liked it, but I didn’t like wearing it – Oh ok, so that’s pissing you off too!
I have an epiphany! - I do want to wear skirts and dresses. I always push it off like it doesn’t really bother me, but it does. I want to feel pretty and feminine without the trembling body and the hyperventilating that goes with it, I just want to feel normal. Ok, this is good, this is progress, and definitely something I should discuss further with George on Friday.
I swallow hard, it’s nerve wrecking just thinking about it, and I have no idea why, but Susannah comes into my mind’s eye with her pencil skirt that’s so tight it looks like it’s been painted on, bet her husband loves that. Fuck! – Men do like all that kind of stuff, sexy dresses, skirts and heels.
Tristan’s face comes into my mind. I can't help wondering if he’s a skirt and heels man? – I shake the thought away – Concentrate Coral!
Ok so I’ve got the heels part down to a T, seriously if I buy anymore heels I’ll need to start renting a garage to store them all in - Just need to sort out the skirt and dresses part. Feeling satisfied that I’ve run through everything that I need to, and feeling less angry and fearful about it all, I pop my headphones back in. I still can’t believe I caught Gladys in the kitchen smoking a joint and doing the deed with a guy, sounds more like what a teenager would be up to rather than a woman in her sixties. I giggle aloud and stand up, ready to take my next sprint - God life is so strange!
GETTING BACK TO THE STUDIO after being out in the hot morning sunshine and not sweltering to death was, quite frankly, wonderful. I have to find some way to really thank Tristan. And I’m also quiet astonished with myself for not thinking about getting one anyway. Why melt when you can be cool? I hear Tristan’s voice echo in my head “The joys of technology” – Indeed I couldn’t agree more…
AS I HEAD OUT THE PATIO DOOR for my walk to work, I see Bob’s already out there with his morning paper.
“Hey Bob.” I chirp cheerily as I lock the patio door.
“Morning, Coral.” He actually pulls his paper down and smiles at me. I am grateful my sunglasses are hiding my puffy eyes.
“Bob, would you like to come out for the day on Saturday?”
“With you?” He asks a little shocked.
“Yes,” I chuckle.
“Any man that says no to you is a fool,” he croons. “If I was your age, you’d be in trouble young lady.” I raise my eyebrows at this little declaration.
“Thanks Bob,” I chuckle. “But it’s not just me, it’s for my niece’s birthday. Rob, Carlos, Gladys and Joyce; they’ll all be there.” He’s met them all before at Christmas and at Gladys’s Sunday roasts, he shakes his head at me. “Too noisy?” I ask.
“How old is she?” He grumbles.
I swallow hard. “Five.” I answer, and try not to think about what happened to me at that age.
“Means I have to go shopping get her a present,” he grumbles. “I hate shopping.”
“No you don’t,” I chortle. “I’ll get it for you. That’s what I’m doing on my lunch today. So will you come? It’ll be a fun day out!” I can see it’s not working. “Gladys hasn’t seen you since Easter, and you keep saying no to her Sunday roasts. I think she’ll be very upset if you don’t come along,” I say. “And so will I.” I add sweetly. And that does it, his blue eyes sparkle and I know I have him.
“Alright then,” he drawls.
“Excellent.” I beam, and kiss him goodbye, his cheeks flush as usual. I can't help chuckling as I walk away.
I SIT AT MY DESK eating my muesli, as usual I am early, but this morning I am especially early. After running for so long I decided to ditch swimming, I didn’t really want to do both, but I’ll get back to it tomorrow. Besides, I think I needed it, the fresh sea air, the sun on my face – the time to think and assess. And when I attempted to put some makeup on, I could see my shoulders had caught the sun; in-fact, if it’s still this nice on Sunday, I may take my butt off to the beach for the day, catch some rays. I rarely sunbathe, I get too bored.
Tristan comes to mind again. I don’t understand why I keep thinking of him, he keeps randomly popping into my head. I know I’m denying it to myself, well trying as best I can to deny it, but the truth is, I miss him. I miss his face, his smile, his smell. I decide to go onto the Google page I saved. I click it open and all his pictures fill my screen, I swallow hard.
What is it about this guy that’s got me feeling so twisted up inside? I feel like there’s an eternal battle raging. Staring at one of the photos, I feel my stomach swarm with butterflies. I instantly lose my appetite – “Coral?” I turn and see Joyce stood there staring at me with her mouth half open. I finish chewing, swallow hard and as quickly and discreetly as I can, I close the page.
“Yes,” I whisper back wondering what I must have done wrong for her to be looking at me like that.
“Come into my office.” She orders, her face stern. I put down my muesli and follow her in. “Shut the door.” She tells me, so I do – What have I done now? I wonder for a moment if Tristan had made it all up yesterday and I was supposed to be in work. Joyce puts her briefcase and handbag down, then turns to me with her hand on her hips, scrutinizing me.
“What on earth has happened?” She asks.
I look from left to right trying to get my brain to find the right answer. “Um...I’m not really sure what you mean Joyce?”
“Your face?” She says.
“Huh?” I quickly pat my face with my hands. Have I got muesli on my cheek or something?
“How long Coral?” Ok, I’m getting annoyed now.
“Joyce, I’m sorry but you’ve really lost me?” I answer incredulously.
She sighs and shakes her head at me. “Follow me.” I frown back at her, but do as she says and follow her out of her office, down the corridor, past the restrooms and straight into the bespoke kitchen. “Sit down.” She tells me sternly pointing to one of the breakfast stools. I silently do as I’m asked and watch as she marches over to the fridge and pulls the door open. “Tell me you already know this one Coral?” She says as she takes out a cucumber.
I have to chuckle at that one, I have no frigging idea what she’s on about. “Sorry, still lost!” I laugh. With a slice of cucumber in-between each manicured fingernail, she walks around the breakfast bar until she is stood in front of me. Sighing heavily she stares back at me with a painful look of regret in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I ask, ignoring the cucumber all together.
“I didn’t think you would take it so hard,” she says wearily. “Here, close your eyes.” I do as she asks, then I feel cool cucumber being placed over my eyelids.
“Wow!” I gasp. “That feels great, really cooling.” Joyce sighs again.
“Hold them in place,” she says. I hear her step-up and sit on the stool next to me. “You didn’t know cucumber is fantastic for puffy eyes?” She asks a little exasperated.
“Um...no,” I answer. “Should I?” Joyce laughs at that one.
“Well I suppose if you visited the beauty salon more often you would know these things,” she says artlessly. “So, you want to tell me about it?” She softly adds.
“Sorry?” I’m lost again, too busy thinking about how cool cucumber is, well I know it’s cool, but it feels like it’s literally taking the puffiness away – Amazing!
“Coral,” she admonishes. “I’
ve never seen you with swollen eyes, which can only come from crying darling...and for a long time too.” Shit!
“Oh!” I whisper.
“Yes, oh!” she repeats wryly. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you would take it so hard,” she says gloomily.
“Take what so hard?” I ask dumbfounded.
“Stop being obtuse!” She barks, making me jump a little.
“I’m sorry Joyce, but I don’t know what you mean.” I say.
“You were crying?” She whispers.
“Yes.” I whisper feeling embarrassed.
“Last night?” She asks.
“Yes.” I confirm.
“Because of what’s happening here?” She questions.
“Oh! No, no Joyce…” Ok now I’m upset that she thinks she has caused this to happen to me, that I’m stuttering as I’m trying to get my words out. “Joyce no...I mean, of course I’m upset you’re leaving. I…I’ll miss you like crazy, you...your family, m-my family…my aunty,” I choke. “But that’s not why I was crying.” I finish.
“Oh darling!” I can hear it in her voice; Joyce is shocked, I feel her wrap her arms around me and squeeze me tight. “I’ll miss you too darling girl.” She says, I hear a little sniff.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” I chortle trying to lighten the mood.
Joyce lets go of me, I hear her step down and walk back over to the fridge. Then I hear her heels clicking as they reach me again. Her fingers gently peel away the cucumber; she looks so tired, so sad. “Want to talk about it?” She asks, hesitating slightly.
“No.” I answer staring down at the floor.
“Is it Gladys? She called me and said that you had...well, met Malcolm.” My eyes dart up to meet hers. I can tell she’s trying really hard not to laugh about it, which makes me burst out laughing.
“I...c-can't...believe...t-that h-h-happened,” I laugh, at least I can see the funny side of it now.
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