by Joan Jonker
‘No, he hasn’t!’ Katy had her coat on and was pulling on Billy’s arm. ‘He’ll tell yer all about it next time he’s home.’
‘I’ve got loads to tell yer, Colin, about what the crew get up to, but it’ll have to wait for now.’ He held Katy’s hand while he bent to kiss Dot. ‘Ta-ra, Mrs Baker, look after yerself. And you, Mr Kershaw, I’ll see yer soon.’
Dot sighed when the front door banged behind them. ‘There goes true love. And I’ve got to say I’ll be very happy to have Billy for a son-in-law.’ She began to collect the plates. ‘Ah, well, back to the grind. But once these dishes are done I’m putting me feet up and to hell with everything.’
Billy had no intention of following the torch being shone by the usherette. He’d spied two seats on the back row and he made a dive for them. He sighed with contentment as he slipped his arm across Katy’s shoulders. ‘I haven’t half missed yer. Give us a kiss and we’ll make up for lost time.’
‘I’m glad yer not staying at sea, Billy. I wouldn’t have liked that. Not that I would have said anything to try and stop yer, but I’d have been miserable.’
‘Yer haven’t been going to any dances with Doreen, have yer?’
‘Have I heck!’ Katy giggled. ‘I’ve stayed in every night and made everybody else as miserable as meself.’
‘I’ve made friends with a lad on the ship, his name’s Sully, and he’s a good mate. I’ll ask him down to meet yer when we get back. Perhaps we can make a foursome up with Doreen and go to the flicks one night.’
Katy pulled a face. ‘Ooh, yer know what Doreen’s like, she’d probably give him a hard time. Anyway, isn’t Sully a funny name?’
‘It’s a nickname, Katy. His real name’s Tony Sullivan. He lives down the Dingle and is the funniest thing on two legs. If Doreen doesn’t get on with him then there’s no hope for her.’
‘Excuse me, Billy, but would yer leave Sully and Doreen to their own devices and give me a kiss? I reckon yer owe me a hundred and we’ll never get them all in by the end of the big picture.’
‘Taking the advice of me father, I’ll give in. You just pucker yer lips and start counting.’
Dot was curled up on the couch, her feet tucked under her, and John was in the fireside chair, leafing through the Echo. Colin had gone to bed so Dot could ask the questions she wouldn’t ask in front of her son. ‘Did Maggie mention whether any of the neighbours have asked what happened to Tom Campbell? Yer know how some of them love to gossip. I wonder what story’s going the rounds.’
John lowered the paper. ‘Actually, Maggie said they’ve been kindness itself. Several of them have called to see how Mary is and offer their sympathy. The little lady who lives opposite, Miss Amelia Green, she called with a bunch of flowers and I believe Mary was so touched she gave the woman a kiss and asked if she’d like to hold the baby.’
‘She’s a little love, that Miss Green. Living right opposite, I think she saw a lot of what went on next door. Mary never made friends with the neighbours, because of Tom. But they’ll all rally around her now and the days of her walking with her head bent are gone.’ Dot shifted her position because she was getting cramp in her legs. ‘Has any more been said about her going out to work?’
John folded the paper and laid it on the floor at his side. ‘Yes, we talked about it this afternoon. Now the funeral is over, she can get her life sorted out. She’s starting Trudy on the bottle from tomorrow – that’s a must if Maggie is going to mind her. And there’s a job going in the canteen where I work, as soon as she feels well enough.’
‘I’m glad for her, she deserves some happiness. She’s only young, and I hope she meets a nice bloke who’ll be good to her.’
John lowered his head, thinking, I’m not a bad bloke and I’d be very good to you. But you don’t see me in that light. Oh Billy, if only I had half your confidence. You wouldn’t be sitting here like a stuffed dummy, you’d be right out with it.
‘A penny for yer thoughts?’ Dot smiled at him. ‘Yer were miles away.’
John shrugged his shoulders. ‘I was just hoping and wishing.’
‘Hoping and wishing for what?’
‘Let me sit next to you, I want to talk to you.’
Dot uncurled her legs and pulled her skirt down over her knees. ‘We’re very serious all of a sudden, aren’t we?’
John sat down beside her and reached for her hand. ‘My Dear Delightful Dorothy, have you any idea of how I feel about you?’
‘Same as I feel about you, I suppose. We’re good friends.’
‘That’s not how I feel about you, Dorothy, and I can’t go on any longer pretending that it is. From the first night I walked in here, although I didn’t know it then, I’ve been in love with you. I’ve been hoping for a sign that you felt the same.’
She snatched her hand away. ‘No, yer can’t love me! I don’t love you – I still love my husband.’
‘Dot, your husband was probably a far better man than I’ll ever be. He must have been for you to have loved him so much. And I’m not asking you to push him out of your heart, I’m just asking that you give me a little of it.’
Dot jumped to her feet, her hazel eyes troubled. ‘Yer shouldn’t be saying these things. I don’t want to hear any more. And I think you should leave now.’
His sigh was deep. ‘And never come back, Dorothy? Is that what you want?’
She hesitated, then turned her head away. ‘Now I know how yer feel, I wouldn’t be comfortable in yer company, so I think it would be best if yer didn’t come again. But I want yer to know I’m sorry it’s turned out like this, John, because yer’ve been a good friend and I think a lot of yer. But I can’t change the way I am.’
John reached for his coat and left the room without saying a word. And when Dot heard the front door close she dropped her head in her hands and cried. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she had to be straight with him, it was only fair. How long she stood in the middle of the room she didn’t know, but when she heard Katy’s key in the lock, she moved fast. The last thing she wanted was for her daughter to find her crying.
‘I was just on me way up to bed, sunshine, I’m dead beat. Put the light out after yer, there’s a good girl.’
Katy was disappointed as she watched her mother climb the stairs. They always had a last cup of tea and a natter before they went to bed, exchanging bits of news. And Katy had so much to talk about tonight, she was looking forward to passing on some of Billy’s exploits. Still, there’s always tomorrow, she thought, as she got undressed in front of the hearth. The fire was on its last legs, but the room was still warm and it was better than standing with your teeth chattering in the freezing bedroom. After folding her clothes neatly on a chair, ready for work the next day, Katy put the guard in front of the fire. There was hardly any life in the coals, but it was better to be sure than sorry.
Katy crept up the stairs and felt her way across the bedroom to the bed. She slipped in beside her mother and put an arm around her waist to cuddle up, as they always did. It was a few seconds before she felt her mother’s body tremble. ‘Mam, are yer crying?’
‘I’m all right, sunshine, no need to worry. It’s just that the last week has been a nightmare and I thought if I had a good cry I might cry it out of me system.’
‘Yeah, it’ll do yer good, Mam.’ Katy was satisfied and gave her mother a squeeze before closing her eyes, eager to dream about how wonderful life would be when her Billy was back home to stay.
Colin looked at the clock for the umpteenth time. ‘Mr Kershaw’s not half late tonight, Mam. He’s usually here well before now.’
‘He’s not coming, sunshine.’
‘Oh, is he going somewhere?’
Dot had been expecting this, and she knew what she had to say wouldn’t be very well received. ‘No, he’s not coming any more. I thought it best if he stayed away because I don’t want him wasting his life coming here every night.’
Katy came in from the kitchen where she’d been polishing he
r shoes. ‘Yer didn’t tell Mr Kershaw not to come any more, did yer, Mam?’
‘It was for the best, sunshine, because he’ll never meet a girl if he spends all his spare time here.’
Katy pulled a chair out and sat next to Colin. There was disbelief on both their faces. ‘That was a mean thing to do, Mam, ’cos he’s a nice man and he’s been so good to us.’
Colin was nearly in tears. ‘It was dead mean, and yer had no right. I like Mr Kershaw, he’s me mate, and now I won’t see him no more.’ The full implication hit him. ‘Does that mean I won’t be able to go to the match tomorrow? And we won’t be going to the pictures with him no more?’
Dot looked into the accusing eyes of her children. ‘He’ll be visiting Mary and the O’Connors, I’m sure, so ye’re bound to see him again. But it’s – er – it’s just that John told me he likes me, and I don’t like him the same way. I know he’s a nice man, a good man, and I’d like to be friends with him, but that’s all. I couldn’t love anyone else, not after yer dad. I’d feel as though I was betraying him.’
Colin’s eyes were glistening with tears. ‘Mam, I didn’t know me dad. Mr Kershaw’s been like a dad to me, and now yer’ve sent him away.’
Katy could see the hurt in her mother’s eyes and it grieved her. But this once she had to say what she thought was right. ‘I’m sorry for what yer’ve done, Mam, because he’s been kinder to us than anyone in our whole lives. I don’t know how anyone could know him and not love him. I love him, and I love Billy. So yer see, yer can love two people at the same time. Love them differently, perhaps, but love them just the same.’ With that, Katy got to her feet and went back to the kitchen. Her heart was filled with sadness for the man who had been the nearest thing to a father that she and Colin had ever known. She knew he loved them, her mother in particular, and she could imagine how unhappy he was now.
The atmosphere in the house was heavy that night, with no one even looking at each other, never mind talking. So Colin took himself off to bed at nine o’clock, there to cry himself to sleep. And Dot followed him at ten o’clock when she could no longer stand the silence. She lay in bed in the darkness, staring at the ceiling. She had expected the children to be upset, but certainly hadn’t anticipated the strength of their feelings for John. As she stared into the darkness she conjured up Ted’s face. She often did this and she’d see him as the young man she’d known and loved, and he was always smiling. But tonight he looked sad, as though he too was disappointed in her.
‘Hello, Colin.’ John had expected the knock on the door to be a neighbour and was surprised to see the boy standing there, shuffling his feet in embarrassment. ‘Is there something wrong at home?’
‘No, I just wanted to see yer.’
‘You’d better come in, then, it’s too cold to stand at the door.’
When the boy was seated, John asked, ‘Would you like a cup of tea, or hot chocolate?’
Colin shook his head, thinking, Mr Kershaw’s house is not half posh. But even if he lived in a shack, I’d still like him. ‘Me mam thinks I’m playing out with Danny, so I can’t stay long.’ He clasped and unclasped his hands nervously, then blurted out, ‘Why don’t yer come to our house no more, Mr Kershaw? Me and Katy don’t half miss yer.’
‘And I miss you, too. But I’m sure your mother told you why I stopped coming. She didn’t want to be friends with me any more.’
‘But she will be friends with yer, Mr Kershaw, she said she would.’
‘The trouble is, I want to be more than friends, son, and that is something your mother doesn’t want. I’ve seen her a few times over the last three weeks, in Mary’s and the O’Connors’, and we are on speaking terms, but that’s about it.’
‘Then why does me mam cry herself to sleep every night? She does, yer know, Mr Kershaw, ’cos our Katy tells me. Me sister said she thinks it’s because she’s missing you.’
‘I don’t think so, Colin. If that was the case she’s had plenty of opportunities to show she’s had a change of heart. I think we can safely say that anything that was ever there between your mother and I is now dead.’
‘But me mam’s stubborn, yer know she is! Me Auntie Betty and me Auntie Mary, and Mrs O’Connor, they’re all upset that yer’ve fallen out. But me mam’s too stubborn to be the one to give in. Perhaps if yer called at our house she’d welcome yer with open arms. Why don’t yer give it a try, Mr Kershaw? Yer still like me mam, don’t yer?’
‘Of course I still like your mother, but I am not going to chance another rejection. You and Katy are welcome to visit me here at any time, I would be very happy to see you, as long as you ask permission from your mother.’
Colin stood up, his shoulders slumped and his face unhappy. ‘She cries herself to sleep every night, Mr Kershaw, and it can only be because of you.’
John ruffled his hair. ‘What will be, will be, son, I can’t change things. Give my love to Katy, and tell her I often think of her.’
‘I’ll come and see yer again next week, Mr Kershaw, I won’t ever forget yer.’
Something in the boy’s voice alarmed John. ‘Colin, you’re not giving your mother a hard time over this, are you?’
‘Well, she had no right, it was mean.’
‘She had every right, son. Only she knows how she feels. It’s not for others to criticise. So go home and give her an extra big hug. She deserves it.’
Katy lifted her eyes from her plate to gaze across the table at her mother. She looked awfully pale, there were dark rings under her eyes and she’d lost her sparkle. ‘Would yer like to come to the pictures with me, Mam? Keep me company?’
Dot seemed to shake herself, as though trying to rid herself of something unpleasant. ‘Yeah, if yer want. It’ll make a change to get out. But will you be all right on yer own, Colin? We won’t be in until after ten.’
‘I’ll be all right. I can put meself to bed when I’m tired.’
When they were walking down the street, Katy linked arms with her mother. ‘What’s the matter, Mam? Yer’ve been down in the dumps for weeks now.’
‘Oh, it’s that Tom Campbell affair, it really got to me. But it’ll wear off soon and I’ll be back to being me bright and cheerful self.’
Katy felt like stopping and giving her mother a good shake. Why didn’t she give in and admit she was wrong? Was she going to let her pig-headedness spoil her life? Was she prepared to go on crying herself to sleep every night? She might be fooling herself, but not her children who knew her every mood.
John threw the evening paper down in disgust. He couldn’t concentrate, he’d read the same line over a dozen times. And he hadn’t been able to get to sleep last night, either. All because Colin had told him that Dot cried herself to sleep every night. Was the boy right, that his mother was missing him – but was too stubborn to admit it? She was stubborn, all right, the most stubborn person John had ever known. He’d be round at the house in Edith Road like a shot if he thought that was the case, but he couldn’t bear the idea of her rejecting him again.
Giving a deep sigh, John pushed himself up from the chair and went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. He filled the kettle and put it on the stove, then struck a match. He stared at the flame for a while, until it was almost burning his fingers, then blew it out. Would she reject him again? Or would she welcome him with open arms, as Colin had said? He had to know, and there was only one way to find out.
As John was walking down Edith Road, young Billy was walking up, and they met outside the Bakers’ house. ‘I didn’t know you were home, Billy, this is a surprise.’
‘Got home half an hour ago, Mr Kershaw, and it’s for good this time. Katy doesn’t know I’m home yet, so she’ll get a surprise as well.’
Colin opened the door and his mouth gaped. His eyes lit up briefly at the sight of John, then clouded when he remembered his mam wasn’t in. If the big man went away he might not come back again. ‘Me mam’s gone to the pictures with our Katy. Do yer want to come in and wait for t
hem? They won’t be long.’
John was about to decline, when Billy spoke. ‘Nah, we’ll go and meet them coming out of the pictures, and we’ll walk them home. That’s what we’ll do, isn’t it, Mr Kershaw?’
‘Yes, that’s fine by me,’ John said, thinking it was coming to something when a fifteen-year-old boy had more control over his life than he himself had. ‘The walk will do me good.’ He gave Colin a knowing look. ‘I might see you later, Colin. It all depends.’
‘I’ll wait up for yer, Mr Kershaw.’ The boy wanted to say so much more but didn’t know the right words. So he put his heart and his hope into the look he gave his hero. ‘They’ve gone to the Carlton and I hope they’re glad to see yer.’
Billy, happy in his ignorance of the situation, chatted as they walked. ‘They’ll get a surprise, won’t they?’
‘I think you could safely say that they’ll be very surprised, Billy.’
They leaned against the wall of the Carlton picture house, and Billy talked of his life at sea, as though he was a seasoned sailor. Little did he know the torment John was going through. If it weren’t for the young lad he’d have turned tail and run.
‘Here they are!’ Billy said, his voice high with excitement, happiness and mischief. ‘Don’t let them see us, Mr Kershaw. We’ll walk behind them and give them a fright.’
It was all right for the young lad – he knew he’d get a rapturous welcome. John was apprehensive about his.
They followed mother and daughter for about twenty yards, then Billy called, ‘Can I walk yer home, Katy Baker?’
The couple turned, startled at first, then Katy’s feet seemed to leave the ground as she flung herself at Billy. In their delight at being together they were oblivious to the older couple who stood staring at each other. It seemed an eternity before John could get the words out. ‘Can I walk you home, Dorothy?’
Dot stared across the yards that separated them. Oh, how she’d missed this man. How empty the evenings had been, and how lonely the fireside chair looked without him in it. She put her hands on her hips and tilted her head. ‘I’ve a good mind to clock you one, John Kershaw, making me wait all this time. Where’ve yer been for the last three blinkin’ weeks?’ She held out her hand and he walked towards her.