Hope sparked anew in her heart. “Why is it so important that I forgive you?”
She felt his whole body shake. “Because I love you and want to marry you.”
She longed to believe him, but his actions of the past few weeks did not correlate with those words. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
He ran his large hand down her back, tracing her curves, and her body recognized his possession while her heart screamed at her to be careful.
“Not a change of heart. My heart has always belonged to you from the moment you walked down your father’s staircase at the age of sixteen.” She tensed in his arms. That had been the moment she’d fallen in love with him! Caught up in the idea of them being soul mates, she almost missed his next words. “I’ve simply found the courage to own up to what my heart has been telling me all along.”
“Because I survived the drugging? What happens the next time something happens to me? Will you take flight and leave me to cope on my own?” she asked coldly.
“I deserved that.” He hugged her so tightly she could barely breathe. “My biggest fear is losing you, I’ll admit that. However, when I got your note releasing me from the marriage, I realized I’d lost you anyway.” His voice cracked. “I’d rather be with you than without you for as long as God grants me that privilege.”
She was on the cusp of forgiving him everything, but still the seed of distrust sprouted afresh. She had to be sure of him. Forever was a long time to be shackled to a man who did not love her enough. “It’s not as simple as forgiving you. What about my dreams and wants in this life? Do you really understand who I am?” She wanted desperately to know the answer to that question.
However, to her disappointment, before he could say a word the door opened and Serena swept in. Portia pulled out of his arms, and Serena exclaimed, “Oh, I’m sorry. I did not know you had company. I’ll come back.”
Grayson bowed his head. “It’s lovely to see you looking so well, Serena. Don’t go. I should not have barged in here before going and cleaning up. Your husband will want to be updated on developments in London.”
The two ladies stood in the middle of the room as Grayson left. The silence once the door closed behind him lasted all of a mere moment.
“If I’d known he’d seek you out I would never have left you alone,” Serena said in a rush.
Portia stumbled for a chair and sank into it. “He came to apologize.”
Serena took the chair opposite. “So he should.”
“He says he can’t live without me.”
“Well, that’s a start. I’d make him grovel a damn sight more before you agree to wed him.”
Portia simply burst into tears. Serena rose and bent to hug her friend. “I’m sorry. That was such a trite thing to say. I know what it is to be madly in love with someone. Let me pass on a piece of advice I wish someone had given me. If you love him and want him, then don’t let anything stand in your way.”
Portia wiped the tears from her face. “I love him. But I’m not sure he’s being honest with himself. He fears loss, which I can understand given his family, Robert, and the war. I believe he thinks he loves me. But I can’t go through this again. I’d be constantly worried that if something happened to me, or one of our children, should we be blessed with any, he’d fall to pieces and leave, and I’d have to cope on my own. And don’t get me started about my business. I suspect he’d eventually pressure me to give it up.” She looked at Serena with desperation. “Is love enough?”
Serena sat back down. “The solution seems simple. Test him. Make him prove he’s faced his fears.”
“How do you propose I do that?”
Serena gave her a sneaky smile. “We’ll need Beatrice’s help too. Here’s what I propose….”
Once Grayson had bathed and changed, he made his way to the billiard room. He could hear Arend’s dry drawl and Sebastian’s “I don’t give a fuck” reply. He smiled to himself. For years these men had been like brothers to him. Since he’d lost Robert, they had become even more so. He stood in the doorway watching his close friends as they played. He suddenly realized he had another family in these men, and he was overwhelmed with feelings of thankfulness.
He still couldn’t quite believe that London’s most infamous rake, Sebastian Hawkestone, was actually married, and happily so. Christian had never hidden the fact he wanted marriage, had in fact craved it. During the war he’d talked of nothing else, but he’d seen his dream of having a family shattered by his burns on the battlefield. Women turned from him, were cruel in their horror at his burns, but not Serena. She had seen past his burns to the man underneath. It eased Grayson’s guilt at having dragged Christian into the skirmish that saw him almost killed.
If anyone could give him advice, Sebastian and Christian could. But not Arend. Arend never talked about his relationships. He was known to take lovers to his bed; after all, he was a healthy, wealthy, and attractive man. Yet Grayson had never known him to have a long-term paramour.
Sebastian threw down the cue exclaiming, “You’ve had far too much time to practice this game, Christian, but I swear, I’ll beat you at least once.” He then turned to wave Grayson in. “Come and see if you can thrash him.”
“No one can beat him on his own table. He knows every bump on that surface.”
Christian looked mortally offended. “Bumps? My table is immaculate, I’ll have you know.”
Arend rose and poured Grayson a drink, then topped off the others’ glasses. “I’d rather hear about your lead in London. Come sit. I think I’ve waited long enough while you’ve tried to sort out your private life.”
Grayson gave Arend a scowl before swiping the drink he held out.
“Don’t look at me like that,” his friend replied. “The situation is of your own making.”
Grayson could hardly dispute Arend’s words.
“Don’t be so harsh on him. It’s not every day that a man realizes he’s been a complete arse,” Sebastian said with glee.
Grayson raised an eyebrow at Maitland. “Anything to add? Care to join in the ribbing? How’s the jaw, by the way?”
Maitland fingered it gingerly. “In one piece. I’m looking forward to watching you grovel. Although I will say that Lady Portia is a woman worth groveling for—if you truly love her.”
Without hesitation he declared to the men, “I do,” and realized he was proud to say it. He’d be even prouder if he could earn her forgiveness and win back her love. He refused to allow himself to dwell on whether he was too late. He was drowning in a sea of remorse, and only Portia could throw him a lifebuoy.
Christian took a seat opposite them and raised his glass. “Here’s to love. There is nothing better than the love of a good woman.”
The men drank in silence, Grayson silently praying he hadn’t lost the love of the finest lady he knew.
“What did you and Hadley learn about Madam DePalma?” Arend’s question pulled him back to the present.
“After several days of scouring most of London’s more exclusive brothels and some that were not so exclusive, the money we offered proved too tempting. A source came forward to give us the name of a man who was said to have worked at a club under DePalma many years ago.”
“Did you find him?” Arend leaned forward in his chair.
“Why don’t you let him finish rather than interrupting him every five seconds?” Maitland said.
“Thank you,” Grayson said with a smirk. “We were told he ran the club called Top Hat, at the edge of Mayfair.”
Only he noted the tightening of Arend’s shoulders and slight tensing of his jaw at the mention of Top Hat. Grayson waited for Arend to say something, but he remained tight-lipped.
“I’ve never heard of it,” Maitland offered.
Again Grayson looked at Arend, but the other man’s steely gaze revealed nothing.
“I doubt any of us have played there.” Grayson continued. “Hadley and I visited the club. It would be an understatement to say that
the Top Hat is a club catering to specific tastes not to my inclination.”
Sebastian had to ask. “Oh? Sounds interesting. What sort of thing?”
“It’s a club for men who prefer the company of men.”
Christian laughed. “No wonder we have never stepped inside.”
“The club is owned and operated by a man called Angelo. It is he who used to work for Madam DePalma.”
“Did he tell you who she is, or where she went?” Arend tried to sound neutral, but Grayson could sense the underlying tension in his tone.
“Not exactly. He was annoyed at us for getting him involved. Tracing DePalma to him has likely put him in danger. He says she’s a woman with a long reach. That indicated to me he does know something.”
“Christ, don’t tell me you left without gaining that information.”
Grayson was getting a bit fed up with Arend’s attitude. “Hadley and I were grossly outnumbered. He’s well protected. Besides, I thought it more prudent to have Angelo on our side. We already have one dangerous enemy; we do not need another.”
Arend pushed back his chair and stood. “So you learned nothing?”
“God damn it, what’s your problem? Just let me finish! Angelo doesn’t know what became of her, but he believes he can find out. He’ll contact us when he has the information.”
“I’d like to contribute to the payment. How much money does Angelo want in exchange for this information?”
Grayson felt his face heat up. Did Arend know what Angelo would likely demand? If he did, wouldn’t he say so? Grayson cleared his throat. “Angelo hasn’t told us that either. He’ll let us know the price when he has something to sell. That’s why Hadley’s waiting in London.”
Arend headed to the door. “I’m going to London. Hadley needs someone to watch his back, and there is nothing to keep me here.”
Grayson wasn’t convinced that was the only reason Arend wanted to leave. He’d wager Arend had run across Angelo before and didn’t want Grayson questioning him. There was definitely a story there, but Arend was right—Hadley did deserve to have someone watching his back. So he said, “Good idea. I don’t trust Angelo either.” He gave Arend a look that clearly indicated he knew there was more to this but would wait for a private discussion later. Grayson had Portia to concentrate on for now.
“I’ll send word once I’ve made contact with Hadley,” Arend said, and with that he strode from the room.
Sebastian excused himself to find his wife. Beatrice was in the early stages of pregnancy and hadn’t been feeling her best.
The remaining three men set to reminiscing about their exploits when they were younger and how their lives had changed for the better as they’d gotten older. Christian was very vocal that he wouldn’t change anything in his life, as it meant he might not have found Serena.
Grayson cleared his throat. “Surely you could have done without the burns.”
“Of course, but if not for the burns I might not have been in the Honey Pot that day and never been shanghaied to Canada. Then I would not have been there to save Serena. I truly believe God has a purpose for each of us.” Christian looked at Grayson. “I certainly never blamed you, Grayson. We both saw a lot of death and heinous injuries during the war. You did not force me to accompany you on that mission, and you were fighting for your own life. As I recall, you’d been knocked out cold. Yet you awoke in time to save my life. I owe you everything.”
“Thank you for saying that, Christian. If you truly don’t blame me, then may I ask a favor of you?” At Christian’s smile he said, “I’d like to buy Portia’s cider business off you.”
Christian’s smile died. “May I ask why? Using it as a means to blackmail her into marriage won’t work. She’d never forgive you.” Maitland nodded in agreement.
“That is not why I want to buy her business. Let me explain what I’m up to.”
Chapter 19
The next evening the ladies gathered. “Is our plan in place?” Serena asked. “I hope so, because I’ve sent the men to the village tavern for the evening. I told them we ladies wanted to have a night to ourselves in order to do up the nursery.”
The women were ensconced in the dining room having a light super. Maitland, Grayson, Sebastian, and Christian had just left to ride for the village, about half an hour away.
Beatrice reached for another slice of ham and added a large hunk of cheese. “I’m feeling slightly uneasy about this test of ours. I couldn’t imagine the panic that would set in if I were told Sebastian had been in a terrible accident.”
Portia’s mouth went dry. “I agree with you. It’s a terrible idea, and I can’t go through with it. Isn’t love about having trust in each other? Grayson has never lied to me. I think I should listen to what he has to say.”
“He’s already had a day to talk with you. Why hasn’t he?” Serena said.
“I purposely hid from him today. I needed space to think. I went for a ride early in the morning, then spent the afternoon avoiding him. Thank goodness Christian’s house is so large. I had over three hundred rooms to hide in.”
“If you’re not sure about this, then we should delay instigating our plan.”
Portia smiled at Serena. “Thank you. I want a marriage based on truth and respect, not tricks and tests.”
Beatrice raised her glass of champagne. “Hear, hear. I didn’t trust Sebastian at first, and it almost cost me my marriage and my life.”
“I wasn’t truthful with Christian because I wanted to protect him, and again it almost cost us our happiness. Perhaps sharing the truth no matter how hard is the way to build a strong relationship.”
The three women sat looking at one another.
Beatrice sighed. “I’m not feeling so good about myself at the moment. What on earth were we thinking?”
Portia looked at Beatrice. “When did you realize you loved Sebastian, and when did you learn he loved you?”
Beatrice gave the others a contented smile. “The night of our marriage. I’d played on Sebastian’s honor to get him to marry me. My younger brother, Doogie, whom I thought Sebastian had killed in a duel, was to marry an heiress. With his death, my family was destitute.”
“You were clever and brave to go to him with that solution,” Portia said.
“I was shaking at the time. Anyway, on our wedding night Sebastian learned he had not killed Doogie, and he could have had the marriage annulled. But he knew it would ruin me and my family, so he agreed to a marriage of friendship and respect.”
“The best foundation for any relationship, if you ask me,” Serena put in.
“How would Grayson ever respect me if I tested him by pretending to be mortally injured?”
Beatrice answered Portia’s question. “He wouldn’t.”
Portia sighed. “Part of me wishes I didn’t love him, because then I could move on and find someone who loves the real me, someone who doesn’t want to change me. Is it too much to ask that a man loves me as I am? Sometimes …” Her voice trailed off.
“Go on, finish,” Serena encouraged her.
“Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a man who can love me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I have watched you over the years. A wallflower gets to see many things, after all. Men flocked to you. You’re beautiful!”
“And rich,” Portia added. “Men wanted my purse and my body. I want a man to love me for what’s inside. Grayson, who has known me since I was a young girl, obviously never saw anything he wanted in a woman like me. He offered to marry me for honor’s sake. I thought he finally loved me when we sailed home together, but when that love was tested he fled. He doesn’t love me enough.”
The other women sat in silence, not really knowing what to say. Finally Serena ventured, “It would appear you have several things to ask him. It’s easy for Beatrice and me to sit here offering advice when we are secure in our marriages, but I can remember when my whole world depended on a truthful conversation. I was sick to my stomach.”
“Then I had best eat up, for tomorrow morning I’ll probably not be able to eat a thing!”
“The sponge cake Cook made needs slicing and eating. Look at the strawberries oozing out of the cream.” Serena smiled conspiratorially at Beatrice. “Eating for two has some advantages.”
“I’ll drink more champagne too,” Portia decided. “I need to fortify myself before tomorrow’s heart declaration. He has the power to destroy me if he doesn’t understand who I really am. Maybe I’ll learn that he can never love the woman I am.”
There was a sound at the door, and the women all turned at once. “I’ve always known who you are, and I’ve always admired who you are, and I’ve always loved who you are. I was simply too scared to admit it. But I promise you I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for my cowardice.”
Portia forgot to breathe. Grayson stood in the doorway, his face twisted in pain.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you or made you doubt yourself. Any man would be privileged to call you his wife. I’m sorry for making you think for even one minute that I didn’t love everything about you.”
The other ladies made as if to rise, but Portia stayed them with her hand. “Why are you not with the men?”
“We didn’t wish to leave you here with no protection.”
“The grounds are full of Christian’s men, and the staff are on alert,” Serena interjected.
“True, but it pays to be cautious. Besides, I couldn’t find you earlier.” He looked at Portia. “I searched for you all day. So I decided to stay behind to talk with you … if you have the time.”
Portia’s heart slammed against her ribs. He looked so handsome, and a little bit lost. He was freshly shaved and dressed in her favorite jacket of his, the color a deep forest green that set off his hair. As he pulled at his cuffs, Portia saw that for once he was nervous and unsure of himself.
She wasn’t about to let him think she’d fall at his feet if he simply walked in and apologized. “We were going to test you tonight. We were going to send one of the grooms to the village to tell the men I’d fallen down the stairs and was badly injured.”
A Touch of Passion_A Rouge Regency Romance Page 23