by Beth Rinyu
I grabbed a quick cup of coffee and the plate of mint brownies that my mom had made, and was on my way. I was surprised when I was pulling into the driveway in a little under two hours; normally, I never made it from my mom’s to home in less than two. Taking a deep breath, I got out of my car and walked up to the house. A smile stretched across my face when I saw the lilac bush that Jamie and Charlie had planted for me for Mother’s Day several years ago. It was in full bloom. I carefully broke off a branch and held it up to my nose, breathing in its sweet, intoxicating scent. I bit my lip and took a deep breath, staring at the front door while trying to gather up the courage to enter. My hands were shaking as I turned the key and slowly walked in. This once familiar place now seemed so foreign as I stood in the foyer and looked around.
As I walked into the living room, my eyes immediately focused on the portraits that lined the fireplace mantle. I must have looked at them a million times prior, but they all seemed brand new today. A photo of Jamie, Charlie, and I taken in the hospital right after Charlie was born. Charlie’s second grade school picture. Candid shots of Charlie and Jamie that I had taken, and at the center of them all was our wedding portrait. I picked it up and examined it closer. We were both so happy. All of our dreams were about to begin. We had no clue what life had in store for us and how much our love for each other would be tested. As I put the picture down, I looked around the living room and smiled. There were so many great memories right in this very room. Jamie and I getting into our playful argument every Christmas when we would try to get the gigantic tree that he and Charlie picked out on the stand. Charlie taking his first steps. Jamie and I making love on the hardwood floor in front of the fireplace. A deep sigh escaped my chest, knowing that I would never get those happy days back. That’s all they were now -- memories. Memories of a once happy life that was gone forever. I walked into the kitchen and placed the plateful of brownies on the counter. I closed my eyes. I missed this house so much; the way that it used to be when it was filled with happiness. Biting my lip and fighting the tears, I slowly opened my eyes, reminding myself of the reason that I was even here. I went into the hallway closet and retrieved my camera and equipment from the shelf. I quickly made my way to the front door and opened it, looking around one last time with a heaviness in my heart before closing the door behind me.
I arrived at Jamie’s office fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. As I walked in, I was greeted by a receptionist that I had never seen before. She gave me a warm smile and I smiled back. “Hi, I’m Hope McAdams. I’m meeting my husband for lunch today.”
“Oh, hi, I’m Mandy. It’s so nice to meet you. I just started on Monday so I’m still in the process of learning who everyone is.” I smiled even wider. Finally. Someone who didn’t actually see me as “poor Hope”.
“Jamie told me that he was expecting you. You can go on back.”
“Thanks and good luck.” I smiled.
“Thank you.”
My head remained down, hoping to go unnoticed by anyone else as I made my way to Jamie’s office. I knocked lightly on his door and entered. He got up from his desk and smiled. My eyes instantly moved to his left hand. I smiled to myself, seeing that he was still wearing his wedding band.
“I’m sorry. I’m a little early. Surprisingly, I didn’t hit much traffic.”
“That’s okay.” He leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek.
“My mother made your favorite mint brownies. I left them on the kitchen counter,” I said.
He bit his lip and gazed at me like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t get the words out.
“Hey Jamie, here’s that -.” I turned around to find the redhead from the party. She covered her mouth when she saw me. “Oh, I'm so sorry,” she said. I instantly felt the bile rising in my throat, coming face-to-face with this woman once again and knowing what had happened, or maybe was still happening, between her and Jamie. A million heart-wrenching thoughts raced through my mind. She knew what it felt like to have his lips on hers. She knew what it felt like to have my husband inside of her, and the look of desire in his eyes just as he would come undone and release himself. These were things that only I was supposed to know. Things that only he and I were supposed to have shared.
I ignored the pain in my heart and the churning in my stomach. The only emotion that came to the surface was anger. “Are you?” I asked. She was speechless as she looked at me sympathetically. “Are you sorry that you’re fucking my husband, or are you sorry that his poor, pathetic wife was stupid enough to show up here to have lunch with him today?”
She swallowed hard and shook her head.
“Hope?” Jamie gently said, clearly sensing my anger.
“You know what, Jamie? I knew this was a bad idea. Meeting you here and knowing that your lover works here? Just another way that you can rub salt in my wound.”
She stared at me like a deer caught in the headlights, before finally hanging her head low and walking out of his office.
“Hope, listen to me.” He placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Get the hell off of me! Don't touch me! Why do you take such pleasure in torturing me?”
“That's not what I was doing, Hope.”
“Well, what the hell did you think you were doing by asking me to meet you here when you knew that she was going to be here?”
“I didn't even think about that Hope. I just needed to talk to -.”
“You needed!? Everything is always about what you need! Go talk to your little whore, or is she only good for one thing? The one thing you’re unable to do with your own wife, I might add!” I realized that I was shouting a little louder than I should have been, but I didn't care.
“Hope, please stop! This is my work.”
“Yeah, and this is my life, Jamie,” I said, unable to fight the tears. “I'll take the blame once again. I should have known better than to meet you here. I should have known better than to meet you at all. We are not ready for this yet.” I took a deep breath, ignoring the sadness in his eyes. I exited his office, looking down at the ground and ignoring the stares as I walked out the door.
I got into my car and took a deep breath. I wiped the last of my tears away, feeling like I didn’t have any more left inside of me. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You asked for it! I started my car and couldn’t get out of that parking lot quickly enough. I was almost back to my mother’s when my phone began to ring. I switched it to speaker. “Hey, Nick,” I answered.
“Hey, Hope. How did it go today?”
“Not good.”
“What happened?”
“Well, the woman that he had, or is having, the affair with came into his office while I was there.”
“Ouch!” Nick said.
“Yeah, tell me about it. I am beyond humiliated that I even agreed to meet him. You know, the whole time she was standing there, I kept feeling as if she knew my husband better than I did. Like what they shared was somehow more significant than the past twelve years that we’ve known each other. I don’t know. Maybe she does know him better than I do. Maybe she is better for him than me.” I began to cry again.
“Hope, stop. She’s just a distraction to help him forget about reality.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know anything anymore.”
“Did you want to meet me for a drink later on tonight?”
“I’d love to Nick, but I just want to go home, get in my sweats, and forget that today even happened.”
“Okay, Hope. If you change your mind, call me.”
“I will and thanks.”
I pulled into my mom’s driveway, happy to see that her car was there. I parked and sat there for a second, trying my best to pull it together before heading inside. I didn’t want her to know that I had been crying.
“Oh, good, you’re back! I was just about to call you to see where you were!” she shouted from the kitchen.
“I’ll be right there!” I shouted back, as I w
ent up to my bedroom and placed my camera on the dresser. I walked into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face before heading downstairs and into the kitchen.
“Are you okay?” my mom asked.
“Yeah, I’m good. It’s just really hot in the car.”
She began to go on and on about the weather, which I was grateful for. It distracted her from asking me any more questions.
“Did you need me to help out at the bakery tomorrow?” I asked.
“That would be wonderful! Carol’s leaving tomorrow for her anniversary weekend so she’ll be off until Tuesday.”
“Well, I’m already booked for Saturday.” I gave her a sarcastic smile. “But the rest of the time, I’m all yours!”
“Thanks, sweetie! I can’t wait to see the beautiful pictures that you take for Jenny. Oh, I almost forgot. How did everything go today?”
Ugh, just when I thought I was in the clear. “Fine. I got my camera and here I am.”
“Did you and Jamie have lunch?”
“Oh, no. He ended up getting stuck in a meeting that he couldn’t get out of so he had to cancel.” I hated lying to her, but I didn’t feel like facing the alternative.
“Oh.” She looked at me sadly.
“It’s fine. I don’t think we were ready for that yet anyway,” I said, putting on my best smile while trying to reassure her and myself.
“Hey, Nick’s dad was telling me that they’re going up to his lake house in New York in a few weeks. Sounds like fun!” my mom said.
I looked at her strangely. “Mom, you hate anything that remotely has to do with the outdoors.”
“Yeah, but it would be nice to get away.”
I raised my eyebrows at her and shook my head, trying to hold back my smile. “Go. I’ll take care of the bakery while you’re gone.”
“Oh, no. I was thinking that if we all went, it would be really nice. Besides, Carol said that she would be able to handle the bakery for a couple of days.”
“Well, you’ve already been plotting it out, I see! Someone has a crush!” I teased.
She shook her head and smiled. I cooked and cleaned up after dinner, and we spent the rest of the evening in front of the TV. I was so sleepy and could no longer ignore my heavy eyes. I went to bed a little after nine and was woken up a few hours later by my cell phone.
I was so out of it that I didn't even bother looking at my caller ID before I answered. “Hello?”
“Hope?” I was finally awake enough to recognize that it was Nick, but his voice had a different tone to it.
“Hey, Nick. What's up?”
“Hope, I need to talk to someone.” I was now awake enough to realize that he was clearly drunk.
“What's wrong?” I asked.
“I called her tonight and she hung up on me; told me that I ruined her life.”
“Oh, Nick, I'm sure she didn't mean it,” I said, suddenly hearing a bunch of noise in the background. “Where are you?”
“Henry’s.”
“Don't go anywhere. I'll be there in ten minutes,” I said. Just by hearing him, it was clear that he was in no condition to drive home. I hung up, quickly dressed, and quietly slipped out the front door.
When I pulled into the parking lot, I was happy to see his car was still there. He was sitting alone at the bar with his head hanging low when I walked in. “Hope, what are you doing here?” he asked, seemingly forgetting all about his phone call. His eyes were glassy as he lifted the shot glass up to his lips.
“Nick, I think you've had enough,” I said, gently taking the glass from his hand and placing it on the bar. “Come on. Let’s go,” I said. He staggered as he stood up, reaching into his pocket and throwing a twenty dollar bill on the bar.
I put my arm around him and guided him out the door. I opened up the passenger side door and he got in. He silently stared out the window during the short drive to his dad's house. “Do you have your house key?” I asked. He stared at me, not saying a word. His deep brown eyes seemed even darker tonight. He fumbled through his pocket and pulled them out. We got out of the car and I helped him inside. The house was pitch dark, with his father sound asleep. He walked into the end table and cursed loudly before flopping down on the couch. I covered him with the blanket that was on the chair before turning around to exit.
“Today was his birthday.”
“Whose?” I turned back around. He sat up and I sat next to him.
“Matt’s.”
“Who's that?” I asked.
“My buddy. He was blown to pieces right in front of my eyes. If I had been standing a foot closer, it would have been me.”
My stomach dropped. “Oh, Nick…I'm so sorry.”
“It should have been me,” he whispered.
“Nick, don't say that.”
“He had a wife and two little girls who will never know their dad. They'll never know what a great guy he was, or how much he loved them. What do I have to live for, Hope? A fiancé who hates my guts and thinks I ruined her life?”
“Nick, I'm sure she didn't mean that. People say things when they're hurt. Just give her time.”
“The day that it happened, we were at a checkpoint. The car pulled up and within a matter of seconds, he was gone. Fuck life….it sucks!” I could tell that he was trying to fight the tears.
He placed his head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him. “It's okay, Nick. It's going to be okay.” On the outside, he may have been a strong, grown-up man, but on the inside, he was that scared little boy that I remembered boarding the bus with on the first day of kindergarten. I was happy to be there to comfort him, just like we had been there for each other all those year ago when we were two scared five-year-olds, sitting together on the school bus, hand-in-hand.
The wedding was just winding down and I was pleasantly surprised with how smoothly the day had gone. I was quite certain that I had captured some beautiful shots to help them remember their day. Once everyone had gone, I loaded up my camera equipment and texted Nick to see if he wanted to join me for a drink. I was glad when he responded with a yes. I hadn’t talked to him yesterday and I wanted to make sure that he was okay. I ordered myself a glass of sangria while I waited for him.
My smile couldn’t be contained as I looked through the pictures on my camera. I couldn’t wait to upload them to my laptop. From what I could see, I had done a pretty good job. I was so engrossed in my camera that I didn't even see Nick walk in.
“Hey,” he said, taking the empty seat next to me.
“Oh, hey!” I smiled.
He ordered himself a beer and turned his attention back to me. “Well, you are beaming. It looks like you had a good day.”
“I really did! You know, I was scared to death this morning, but it was really a lot of fun! I guess I just had to get a little confidence in myself.”
“Good.” He smiled. “If Angie and I are able to get through this and make it to the alter, I want you for our photographer.”
“You got it!”
“Thanks for the other night, Hope. I'm sorry. I feel like a real ass for getting that drunk.”
“No problem. That’s what friends are for.”
“Yeah, well, I know you've got enough on your mind. You don't need me burdening you with my problems.”
“Really, it's fine,” I reassured him with a quick smile.
“Hey, guess who went out to dinner together tonight?” he said, a mischievous smile on his face.
“Who?”
“Your mom and my dad.”
I was unable to contain my smile. “Really? She never said a word to me!”
“I think it was a last minute thing.”
“Well, I’m happy for the two of them. It’s nice to have someone, even if it just for companionship,” I said.
“So have you heard from your husband after the other day?” Nick asked. My stomach clenched. I took another sip of my sangria and shook my head.
“Look at some of these great shots,” I said to Nick as I scrolled through the camera, trying to change the subject. I could tell that Nick sensed that I didn’t want to talk about it. He leaned over and stared intently at my camera screen as I told him all about my day while we sipped our drinks.
My mother was half asleep on the couch when I got home “Good. You’re home safe and sound!”
“Mom, you didn't need to wait up for me.”
She waved her hand in the air. “So, how did it go?” she asked.
“It was great! I think I got some really nice pictures.”
“See? I told you everything would be fine.”
I smiled. “So…how was your night?”
“Fine,” she answered, trying her best to play innocent.
I cleared my throat loudly. “Spill it, Mom! Nick told me.”
“John and I went out for pizza, ended up running into your brother and Patty, and had dinner with them.”
“Oh, so I guess there wasn't any smooching going on?” I teased.
“There wasn’t any smooching, stinker! Hey, your brother invited everyone over to his house for a barbeque tomorrow. John and Nick, too.”
“Oh, sounds like fun,” I said, trying my best to sound enthusiastic, but failing miserably. The truth was that I had filled my quota for being social. I had planned on spending tomorrow cocooned in my own little world, all alone.
My mother was able to pick up on my reaction right away. She looked at me sympathetically, motioning for me to sit down next to her. “Hope, I know you're hurting, sweetie. You're not only mourning the loss of Charlie, but you also have your marriage to contend with. But, honey, you have to get out and try to live a little. Don't sit around waiting for his phone call.”
“That's not what I'm doing!” I snapped.