by Beth Rinyu
“No Jamie, it’s what I want more than anything in this world, but it’s too late now.”
He looked at me in confusion. “It’s not too late, Hope. I promise you that -.”
“Jamie, I slept with someone else and I’m pregnant.” I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. He pulled away from me and swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I really and truly am.” He was speechless as I continued to explain, “I needed someone to take away the pain. The pain of losing Charlie, the pain of losing you, and the pain of knowing that my husband, who I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, was sharing something that was so special with someone else. I needed to feel worthy again.”
He looked straight ahead. “Does…” He paused for a brief second and bit his lip. “Does he know?”
I put my head down and stared at the ground. “No, and he never will.” His eyes widened. “He died, Jamie. He was a Marine; he was killed two weeks ago in a training mission.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. “It is you that I love. It’s always been you and he knew it. He was -.” I looked away and swallowed the baseball-sized lump that formed in my throat just thinking about Nick. “He was my friend,” I said, finally able to get the words out.
He stared at me intently before looking away like he was deep in thought. I leaned my head back on the bench and closed my eyes, preparing myself for another bout of tears. I couldn’t bear to watch him get up and walk away forever. I slowly opened my eyes and raised my head when I felt his warm hand on top of mine. “I want to be your husband, Hope. I’m not going to lie and say that the thought of you with another man doesn’t make my stomach turn because it does, but I guess I had it coming.”
“That is not why I did it, Jamie. It had nothing to do with revenge or -.”
He put his finger over my lips to stop me from talking. “This baby is a part of you, which means it’s a part of Charlie. I’m never going to get a chance at being a dad again. This is my chance and I promise you that I will love this child as if it were my own.”
“Jamie, I can’t expect you to raise the child of the man that I had an affair with. I don’t want you to resent me or this baby.”
“And you have my word that I won’t. Hope, you know me better than anyone. You know that I wouldn’t agree to this if I had any doubt whatsoever.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. My stomach fluttered. “I love you. I’ve always loved you, even when I couldn’t say it. You and Charlie were always in my heart. I’m leaving it up to you, but I want this more than anything in the world,” he whispered in my ear before standing up and walking away, leaving me all alone and more confused than ever.
I arrived back at my mother's. After such an emotional day, I was feeling spent. I just wanted to crawl into bed and not wake up until I had everything figured out.
“Hope?” I heard my mother calling from the living room.
I could see the sadness instantly wash over her face when she looked at me standing in the doorway. My eyes were so swollen from crying that I could barely see. She tapped on the couch next to her. I took a seat and she wrapped me in her arms, just like she would when I was a little girl. She kissed me on the head and rocked me back and forth in her arms, trying her best to halt my tears. “You made it through the first year. You did it, Hope.”
“I saw Jamie.”
“Oh, and what happened?”
“He wants to work things out.”
My mother looked at me in confusion as she handed me a tissue. “Is that not what you want anymore?”
I wiped my eyes and looked away. “It's what I want more than anything. It's what I've always wanted.”
“But?” She raised her eyebrow and waited for clarification.
I took a deep breath. “I'm pregnant.”
Her eyes widened. Besides Dr. Draven, my mother was the only other person that knew about the effects that Jamie's radiation treatments had on him. Her jaw dropped and she shook her head. “How?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Nick,” I whispered.
Her eyes began to pool with tears. “Oh, Hope.” She hugged me tightly. “Why didn't you tell me?”
I shook my head. “I don't know. I found out two days before his funeral. I just wasn’t ready to share it with anyone.”
“Oh, sweetie. How did you manage to be so composed, giving that eulogy?”
“Nick.” She looked at me strangely. “He was there helping me. I know he was. Just like he helped me face Charlie's death.”
“Does Jamie know?”
I nodded. “He said that it doesn't matter to him. He wants to raise the baby as his own. I just don't know if I can put that on him.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Hope, you know Jamie better than anyone, but I think I know him pretty well, too. I don't think he would do this unless he was one hundred percent sure that's what he wanted.” I bit my lip and looked straight ahead. “The question you need to ask yourself is if Nick were still alive, what would you do? I know that you know what would be morally right, but what if you had to base your decision completely on what you were feeling in your heart instead of your head? Who would you choose?”
I closed my eyes, contemplating that question even though I already knew the answer. I loved Nick with all my heart, but I was never in love with him. Jamie was the one who would always hold the key to my heart and that would never change.
I finally opened my eyes and looked into hers. “Jamie,” I whispered.
“Well, now it’s up to you to have enough faith in Jamie and believe that he means what he says.”
She rubbed my belly and a smile stretched across her face. “A baby,” she whispered. “This may be the answer to both of your prayers, Hope.”
I rested my head on her shoulder while she played with my hair. “I’m going to be a grandmother again!” I could hear the happiness in her voice as she squeezed me tightly. Maybe this was the best thing for me and Jamie; not that this baby would ever replace Charlie, but maybe it was the glue that we needed to put us back together. I knew that I wanted to be a mom again more than anything, and I knew that Jamie was the best dad that I could ever want for my child.
“I think Nick would be very happy knowing that his baby was going to have a dad like Jamie.”
“Me, too,” my mother replied.
She unwrapped her arms from me when the doorbell rang. “Oh, that’s John,” she said as she stood up.
“Mom, I don’t want anyone to know about this yet.”
“I promise you, my lips are sealed. It’s up to you and Jamie how you want to work this out.”
“Thanks.”
She went to answer the door while I tried my best to pull it together. “Hello, Hope!” Nick’s dad had a smile stretched across his face. “I’m glad you’re here. I was going through Nick’s things and came across this. I thought that maybe you would want it back.” He placed the familiar box, containing the scrapbook that I had made for Nick, in my hands.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Your mom and I are going out to dinner and I insist that you come with us.”
“Yes, Hope. You are coming because I’m sure you haven’t eaten all day.” My mother gave me a stern look, letting me know that I wasn’t going to get out of this one.
“Fine. Can I just have a few minutes to wash my face and get myself together?”
“Take your time,” my mother smiled.
I grabbed the scrapbook and headed upstairs. I sat down on my bed and went over the past eight hours in my head… the look on Jamie's face when I told him, and the devotion in his voice at the prospect of being a father again. I opened up the scrapbook and smiled as I looked through the pictures of Nick and me. I lifted the book a little closer to get a better look at the picture of us from our day of hiking when an envelope fell to the floor from one of the pages. It had my name on the front of it and it was clearly Nick's handwrit
ing. My hands began to tremble as I picked it up and tore it open.
Dear Hope,
I’m writing this letter for myself, knowing that it will never be sent. Instead, I will keep it buried deep inside my heart the same way I will always keep my true feelings for you buried. It’s been two weeks since I left and I still can’t get you out of mind. When I close my eyes, it’s no longer Angie that I see, but you. I've read every single text that you've sent and answered them in my mind. It's killing me shutting you out this way. I want to call you so badly, to hear your voice, but then I stop myself because I don’t want risk hearing any regret in your voice over that night. I want to remember it just as it was -- perfect. I thought that I could handle being with you in that way and remain unaffected, but I realize now that I can’t. I cannot even begin to explain my feelings for you. It’s so different than I have ever felt about anyone, and the selfish part of me wishes that it could be more, even though I know that it can’t. I know that you love him. The way that you talk about him. The way your eyes light up when you mention his name. That’s real, Hope. That’s a true love that I only hope to find one day, and I know that it’s something I can never compete with. I just hope that he realizes what a lucky man he is to have someone like you to love. You have been a better friend to me than anyone. You helped me see things so much clearer and I hope that I was able to do the same for you. You deserve the best of everything and don’t ever think that you should settle for less.
Thank you for everything and whenever you are doubting yourself or feeling low, please know that there is someone out there who thinks the world of you -- me.
Love your buddy forever,
Nick
I covered my mouth, reading it over once again. I was overcome with emotion. Nick had poured his heart and soul out in this letter, a letter that I was never meant to see, answering the one and only unanswered question that remained between the two of us…and it was bittersweet.
“Good morning,” my mother said, walking into my room with a breakfast tray.
I sat up in bed, quickly picking up the letter from Nick that I had slept with and placed it on my nightstand.
“Good morning.” I looked down at the tray filled with French toast, bacon, and a glass of orange juice.
“Mom, you didn't have to do this.”
She sat down on the side of my bed and smiled. “So, what's on the agenda for today?” she asked.
I was silent for a brief second before responding. “I have a few people that I need to say goodbye to.”
“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows, clearly waiting for further explanation.
“Yeah, before I go home.”
A smile stretched across her face. “Well, I sure am going to miss having you here, but I know that you're doing the right thing and that makes me very happy.”
She placed her hand on my belly. “But I’m not letting you leave this bed until you clear that plate. My grandbaby is hungry.”
“Thank you, Mom…for everything.”
“You don't need to thank me, Hope. That's what moms are for.”
She sat with me, making sure that I ate everything before getting up.
I showered, dressed, and was on my way. I was saddened when I pulled into the parking lot of Darren's studio. I really hated quitting on him. This job had meant so much to me, but I didn't have a choice.
“Hey, Kiddo what's shakin’?” Darren said as I walked in.
“Not much.” I sat down on the stool next to him, looking over the pictures that had just popped up on the computer screen. “Wow, those are really great,” I said, only half paying attention to them.
He turned his attention from the computer screen to me. “What’s up, Hope?”
“Huh?”
“You’ve got something you want to say.”
“Wow. Am I that obvious?”
“Just a little,” he joked.
“Well, I’ve been staying with my mom temporarily until I figured some stuff out and -.”
He placed his hand on his heart. “Oh, be still my heart. Is my right-hand gal leaving me?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry. I would love to be able to stay. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have learned from you, and how much this job has helped me in so many ways and just for giving me the opportunity…” I stopped when I felt myself becoming emotional.
“Hey, no tears! Are you leaving for a happy reason?” he asked.
I nodded and smiled. “A very happy reason.”
“Well, that’s all that matters, Hope. Happiness is the most important thing in the world. Life is too short to live without it. But you have to promise me that you will come back to see me when you’re here visiting your mom.”
“I promise.” We both stood up and I gave him a hug. “Give Mishka a hug for me, too,” I said.
“I sure will. And, Hope, be sure to bring that baby in for some photos.”
My jaw dropped in amazement. “What? How did you -?”
“Hope, do you know how many pregnancy photo shoots I have done over the past forty years? What kind of photographer would I be if I wasn’t able to pick out a pregnant woman just by looking at her? You are glowing, my dear!”
“Wow, you are good!” I smiled.
He nodded and winked at me. “Take good care of yourself, kiddo.”
I got into my car and headed to the bakery to say goodbye to my mom. I was so happy when I looked in the window and saw Marty and Penny sitting in their usual spot. It was well after noon, which was a little late for them to be there.
“Hope!” Marty shouted when I walked through the door.
“Hey, stranger! How are you?”
“I’m good. I just got back from the doctor and got a clean bill of health so you will be seeing my smiling face in here every day again.”
“Well, actually, you won't be seeing me in the bakery much anymore.”
Marty's smile quickly disappeared. “Oh no. Why is that?”
“Well, I'm going back home.”
Penny immediately perked up with a smile. “I'm so happy to hear that, Hope,” she said.
“Well, I'm not. I loved having a pretty girl to look at while I enjoyed my jelly donut,” Marty teased.
Penny waved her hand in the air and laughed.
“You'll always have the prettiest girl to look at. She’s sitting right across from you,” I said.
“Well, do I least get a goodbye hug?” Marty asked.
“Of course!”
“Don't get too excited. You’re still on heart medication,” Penny teased as Marty hugged me tightly.
Penny stood up and placed her hands on my cheeks. “You made it through the hardest thing that you will ever have to face in life and survived. Now you can be sure that your marriage will make it through anything. I wish both of you nothing but the best, sweetheart.”
“Thank you, Penny,” I whispered as I hugged her tightly.
“I want to see pictures of that cruise when I come back to visit!” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Oh, I will pose in my bathing suit just for you,” Marty joked.
“I can't wait!” I teased back as all three of us laughed.
I walked in the back to find my mother busy decorating cupcakes. “Hey, lady!”
“Well, hello,” she replied, looking up from her masterpieces.
“I just wanted to tell you goodbye before I left.
“You drive carefully and -.”
“I know. Call you when I get there.”
“I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too, but just think. Now you have the whole house to yourself. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I teased.
“Brat!” she smiled and hugged me tightly.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, sweetie.”
I thought about all of the people that had been there for me over the past four months, as
well as the new ones that I had met along the way…Marty, Penny, Darren, and even Mishka. They all came into my life for some special purpose, each helping me in some small way. I was starting to believe in angels more and more each day. I had one more stop to make before I was on my way. I had to say a very special goodbye to a very special angel.
“Hope!” Nick’s dad exclaimed as he opened the front door. For the very first time, I noticed just how much his smile resembled Nick’s.
“Hi, Mr. Abate.”
“Hope, please call me John.”
I smiled and nodded as he opened the door further and led me inside “I came here for a few reasons.”
“Okay. What’s up?”
I reached into my purse and pulled out the diamond ring that I had been holding onto for Nick. His dad’s eyes widened. “This was Nick’s engagement ring to Angie. The night before he left, he was pretty upset over the whole situation.” His dad bowed his head and I could see his eyes beginning to glass over. “I told him I would hold it for him until he was ready to take it back.”
I took his hand and placed the ring inside, wrapping his fingers tightly around it. “Thank you, Hope.” He wiped away a tear that was rolling down his face.
I took a deep breath. “Mr. Aba - I mean John. I need to tell you something. Something that I want to remain private, but I feel like you should know.”
“Okay…” I could see some uneasiness spreading across his face as he anticipated my words.
“I’m leaving to go home. My husband and I are going to make a go of our marriage.”
“That’s wonder -.”
I put up my hand. I didn’t want to stop because I was afraid that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to continue. “I’m pregnant with Nick’s baby.” His eyes lit up with emotion and he took my hands in his. “My husband wants to raise this baby as his own. Besides my husband, you and my mother are the only other two people that know. Nick was your only child and I just felt that telling you was the right thing to do.”
He was speechless as he pulled me into his embrace. “Did he know?” he finally asked, his voice cracking with emotion.