Acting Lessons (Off Guard)

by Katie Allen

“Muppets aren’t real, sweetie,” Julia reassured her, tugging her gently back into motion.

  “I know that,” Topher said defensively. “I still wouldn’t want one of them chopped up for my boots. I mean, my boots are great and all, but they’re not worth an innocent life—oh, what a wonderful room!”

  Topher looked around, distantly aware that she had fallen out of character for a moment, but really, the room was amazing. An enormous fireplace dominated one wall, the flames warming the reds and browns of the couches and armchairs grouped around it. Bookshelves, packed with volumes, covered the other walls. It was a room she could be happily locked into for weeks.

  She walked toward the fire, drawn to the heat and flickering light. “This room reminds me of my stepdad’s study—all warm and cozy.” She gave a nostalgic smile, still not quite back into character. “I loved that room. Ben always let me read in there.”

  Danny cleared his throat, and she jumped, the sound bringing her back to the present and the job she was hired to do.

  “Read my Cosmos, I mean. Books are boring.” Plopping down on one of the couches, she desperately searched her brain for more ditzy subject matter. Being dumb was hard.

  “Topher,” James barked suddenly, unwittingly saving her from her babble-less state.

  “Yes?” She gave him her most vapid smile and a single, slow blink.

  “No, I just realized how I know that name—Ben Topher.”

  She bounced on the couch in excitement. “That’s Papa Ben! Are you friends?” Although she pretended to be thrilled, dread curled in her belly. This could ruin the whole gig.

  “Not friends, no,” James said. “I know of him, that’s all. A good businessman.” He gave Julia a meaningful look. “A very good businessman.”

  “Ah,” Julia said, obviously getting the message. Topher wasn’t sure if that message was that she came from money and was therefore less likely to be a gold-digger, or if it was that her stepfather didn’t break his associates’ kneecaps with a baseball bat. Either way, Julia looked even more kindly at Topher. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “Oh, I would love a drink. Something sweet? And hot—like hot chocolate and something. No coffee, though, please. I don’t really like the taste of coffee and caffeine is bad for the skin, you know.”

  “Of course.” Julia headed out, asking over her shoulder. “James, could you help me with the drinks, please?”

  He opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something, but caught a look from Julia that made him close it and follow her out.

  As soon as the two were out of sight, Danny dove around the couch, throwing himself down next to Topher.

  “It’s not working,” he said with a dramatic groan.

  “Shh,” she hissed at him. “They’ll hear you—there are no doors in this place and it echoes like crazy. Of course it’s working—even I can’t stand myself.”

  “No,” he whispered. “My mom already loves you—why’d you tell her she looks young and pretty?”

  “Uh, because she does?” Topher whisper-yelled back. “I can’t think about every word that comes out of my mouth when I have to babble like that—that’s a lot of words, you know! Besides, isn’t your uncle the one controlling the money? He hates me for sure.”

  “Then why couldn’t he stop staring at your ass?”

  Topher grinned, pleased. “Really? He was staring at my ass?”

  “No.” Danny shook his head against the back of the couch. “No. You need to fix this. You need to make them not like you at all.”

  “Fine.” She leaned back, crossing her arms. A warm tickle in her belly couldn’t be doused though. James had been staring at her ass. How nice.

  “I’m serious. And stop with the slams against Barb. You’re just encouraging them.”

  “I’m supposed to be the new girlfriend. The new girlfriend always hates the old one—it’s a rule.”

  Danny just pouted. “And don’t call Barb old.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake.” Mashing her palms against her temples, she forgot to keep her voice low. “I didn’t mean old as in old—” She broke off when Julia led the way into the room, followed by James, who was toting a tray of drinks. “So then Tiffani started crying and yelled that she wanted the Porsche and not the Lexus and why did her parents hate her and why did they want to ruin her twenty-first birthday—thanks, Mama Jules!”

  “You’re welcome.” Julia, still sounding as if she was going to burst into laughter at any minute, handed her a mug.

  Topher took a sip. “Ohhh, that’s so good. It’s like candy but better, since it can get me drunk. I wish all candy had alcohol. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? I mean, Sour Patch Kids, but with vodka. Or a Snickers with rum. Except that would be bad road-trip food. I’d call it Candihol. Or Alcandy? Drunk Candy? What do you think?” She took another sip and blinked at the faces staring at her, two astounded and one gleeful.

  Danny, the gleeful one, said, “Tophie makes the best Jell-O shots.”

  With an adoring smile, she reached up and patted his cheek. “Aww, thanks, Pooh Bear.”

  “Really?” Julia’s voice cracked mid-word. Topher was pretty sure the other woman was about to lose her battle to keep a straight face. “You’ll have to make some for our New Year’s Eve party.”

  After a strangled cough, James added, “The Carltons would love to try those.”

  Topher had to drop her eyes for a second to swallow her grin. She knew the Carltons. They would not like to try Jell-O shots. When she managed to get her expression back in line, she looked at James, her eyes wide. “You think? Really? I’ve never asked God-Mama Ethel to try one of my shots. Just the Sigma Nu boys and they were pretty drunk already, so I don’t know if my Jell-O shots were really good or if they just wanted to look down my shirt when they took one off my tray.”

  Unfortunately, Julia had just taken a drink of wine as Topher babbled out the last sentence and had to cover her mouth as she choked.

  “Are you okay, Mama Jules?”

  With another cough, Julia nodded. “Fine,” she gasped.

  Topher glanced at James, and his gaze caught her. It was hot, so hot. She was almost grateful for his eye patch—the heat from just one eye burned right through her. She didn’t think she could’ve handled both.

  “They weren’t trying to look down your shirt, Tophie.” Danny’s voice was wicked. “Remember, you weren’t wearing one by Jell-O shot time.”

  “Danny!” The admonishment was out before she could stop it. His raised eyebrow reminded her of her role. “Hush. Mama Jules and Uncle Jamie are going to think I’m an S-L-U-T!” She spelled the last word in a loud whisper.

  “Of course we wouldn’t think that, sweetie.” Reaching over, Julia patted her knee. “We just think you’re...friendly. And fun.”

  “Ethel Carlton is your godmother?” James asked.

  A little thrown by the change of subject, Topher managed to nod. “Ethel and Richard are besties with Daddy.”

  He frowned. “Ben Topher is...besties with the Carltons?”

  “No, Silly!” She giggled again. “Daddy, not Papa Ben.”

  “And ‘Daddy’ is...”

  “Mason Brown.”

  There was a silence as all three of them stared at her.

  “Mason Brown is your father.” James was the one who finally spoke.

  She shrugged. “It was his sperm, if that’s what you mean.” Immediately catching his sharp look, she tried again, this time trying to infuse her words with less snark and more vapid cheerfulness. “Daddy and Mom were married for a while, but I guess the gardener was really hot, so they got divorced, and then Daddy married Diane, and I got to wear the most fabulous dress at their wedding, but Uncle Clarence was way wasted, and puked all over me when we were dancing, so the dress was ruined, but that w
as okay because I got to buy an even better dress to wear when Daddy married Sydney, after he got divorced from Diane, of course, so it’s not like they’re sister wives or anything, but that time Tommy Marchant was super-duper drunk and was trying to feel me up even though he’s ancient, like thirty or something, and I was only fourteen and didn’t even really have any boobs yet, so I don’t know why he was even trying to feel me up, but I pushed him away because gross, but I was wearing these really, really great shoes that were really, really tall and didn’t realize how close I was to the fountain, and I fell in and ruined that dress, too.”

  Topher sucked in air at the end of that sentence, a little horrified that the entire thing was true. She hadn’t appreciated how very upper-class white trash her life was until recounting it in ditz-speak. “So I had to get another dress when Daddy married Carmen.”

  They were staring at her again.

  Topher gave them all a long, slow blink and smiled.

  * * *

  She was enormously relieved to be headed up to the guest room assigned to her to freshen up before dinner. It would be wonderful to just stop talking for a while. As she and Danny reached the door to the guest room she’d be staying in, realization struck her. She groaned.

  “What?” Danny asked.

  “I forgot my purse in there. I’ll be right back.” Turning around, she hurried back toward the study. When she was almost at the entrance, she stopped, hearing an odd noise coming from the room. It sounded like laughter.

  Moving closer, but staying out of view of anyone in the study, she could hear that it was definitely laughter—loud, out of control, heaving, hysterical laughter.

  “Oh my God, oh my God!” That sounded like Julia, although her voice was weak and gasping between the rolls of mirth.

  “Oh, fuck,” a male voice said, and Topher started. It sounded like James, but she couldn’t really picture him laughing as hard as the man in the study was laughing. “Oh, holy fuck, I think I love that girl.”

  The laughter settled down to wheezy snorts and chuckles.

  “I know I do,” Julia said.

  “She’s definitely not in this for the money. Between ‘Daddy’ and ‘Papa Ben,’ that girl is loaded.” James voice had an edge of satisfaction. “She’s so much better than that gold-digging mobster’s daughter. Dan’s traded up.”

  Shit. Topher let her forehead rest against the wall. How was she going to make herself even more obnoxious? It just didn’t seem possible.

  “Plus, neither of Topher’s fathers will have Danny whacked if he checks out the nanny’s cleavage,” Julia said dryly, giving a final shivering sigh of laughter. “Now we just have to hope Dan keeps this one.”

  Seriously, Danny must have the worst taste in girlfriends if “Tophie” is the pick of the litter, Topher thought with a sigh as she started tiptoeing away from the study entrance.

  “Maybe we should pretend to disapprove, just to give Dan that added incentive,” James suggested.

  Still backing away, Topher gave that idea a thumbs-up. A heaping helping of parental disdain would definitely help keep Danny off her back. When she was far away enough that their voices became indistinct, Topher strode forward, making sure her heels clacked noisily against the floor. She even hummed.

  “Oh!” She pretended to jump in surprise as she rounded the doorway and pressed both hands against her heart. “Mama Jules! Uncle Jamie! You’re still here!”

  James was standing, leaning against the wall next to the fireplace, while Julia was sitting in an armchair. Topher had apparently made enough noise before entering, as both looked fairly composed. If she hadn’t heard it, Topher wouldn’t have believed that both had been helpless with laughter just a few moments before.

  James raised the eyebrow above his uncovered eye. “Forget something?”

  “Yes!” Topher beamed at him, as if he’d just guessed an amazing secret. “How did you know?”

  Julia turned her face away as her body started shaking.

  Closing his eye, James sighed, his chest lifting silently and drawing Topher’s gaze. Even with his shirt covering it, his muscled chest was something to admire. “Because you came back.”

  “Oh. Right.” She blinked at them, trying to keep her smile as big and vacuous as possible.

  “And the item you forgot would be...?” James asked. Julia was making muffled choking sounds.

  “Oh! My purse!” She grabbed her purse off the couch and hugged it to her chest. “I love this purse. I wanted the green Norah Swifton, you know, that came out last summer?” She really hoped neither James nor Julia was a brand whore, since she had just made up that name. She was sadly ignorant about popular labels. To her, a purse was something that held stuff.

  She looked at James expectantly, but he just lifted that same eyebrow with a small shake of his head.

  “It’s okay.” She took a few steps toward him so she could give his arm a pat. “It’s hard to keep up with fashion. Anyway, I really wanted that Norah bag, but then Tiffani turned up with one first, and she didn’t even like the green one until I said I liked it, and so then I couldn’t get one because I’d just look like a sad follower and who would want to copy Tiffani?”

  Julia had recovered enough to face Topher with a look of strained sympathy. “No one?”

  “Exactly.” Topher gave a firm nod. “You’re so smart, Mama Jules. So I didn’t know what I was going to do because how could I walk around with last year’s bag, you know? I looked and looked and finally found this one and the saleslady told me—” she lowered her voice to a whisper “—that only ten of these were made. In the whole world.”

  She looked back and forth between James and Julia, who just stared at her, baffled.

  “So of all the thousands of people in the world, what would be the chance of anyone I know getting one of the other nine?” Topher asked triumphantly, giving the purse another hug. She figured that was a good note to leave on, so she bent over to give Julia a smacking kiss on the cheek.

  “See you at dinner, Mama Jules.” She went up on tiptoe to repeat the process on James’s scarred cheek. “Mmmm-wah! Later, Uncle Jamie.”

  “See you later.” Julia’s faint response followed Topher out.

  As she click-clacked her way down the hallway, she managed to hear James’s even quieter reply.

  “Seriously. Love that girl.”

  Chapter Three

  “Code red!”

  Topher muffled a shriek as a hand reached out from Danny’s bedroom door and hauled her inside.

  “Danny! What the hell?” Topher was starting to think she’d never make it to the peace and sanity of her assigned room.

  “We have a problem.” Danny shut the door and started pacing, yanking on his hair and making it stand up in wild peaks. “A serious problem.”

  “Nope.” Grinning, Topher plopped down on the bed and bounced a few times. “I overheard your mom and uncle when I went back for my purse. They really don’t like me.” She figured it wasn’t really a lie, since James and Julia hadn’t said they liked her. They’d said they loved her.

  “Really?” He stopped pacing for a moment and then shook his head, his tortured expression reappearing. “Never mind that. We have a real problem. A real, huge, enormous, monumental problem!”

  Topher raised a brow at him. Despite the fact that she was the actress of the pair of them, she was beginning to realize that Danny was a much bigger drama queen than she could ever hope to be.

  “Barb’s coming. Tonight.”

  Okay, so that’s a problem. “Shit.”

  Dropping down onto the bed next to her, Danny fell onto his back and spread his arms. “Exactly.”

  They were both quiet for a few moments.

  “I can’t believe you called your girlfriend enormous,” Topher finally said
.

  “What? I didn’t—”

  “And huge.” She shook her head. “You’re kind of a rude boyfriend.”

  “Stop.” Danny shoved her hip. “We have to decide what we’re going to do. Barb’s coming with her parents!”

  She stared at him. “The cement-shoes parents?”

  “Don’t call them that!” Danny paused. “But yes. Barb’s parents.”

  “I don’t get it.” Topher swung around so she could sit cross-legged on the bed facing him. “Why would Barb and her parents visit her ex-boyfriend? Or pretend-ex, I suppose. Won’t this tip off your mom and uncle that we’re not really a thing?”

  He looked uncomfortable.

  “Unless...” She drew an imaginary line across her throat with her finger. “Do her parents really think you broke up with Barb? Is this the end for you, Danny Boy?”

  “No! Of course not. It’s just that...” The rest of his words faded to mumbling.

  “Huh?”

  “Barb doesn’t actually, well, know about this whole thing.” He waved a hand between the two of them. “I’d forgotten Mom had invited them here for Christmas, like, months ago.”

  “Dude.” She stared at him. “Barb doesn’t know you’re fake cheating on her? Whoa. You are so dead.”

  “I know! That’s why you need to focus and help me think of a way to not be dead, okay? Besides, you’re the fake new girlfriend, so you’ll be just as dead as me.”

  “Hold on!” She sat back. “Deadness is so not part of our fake-girlfriend contract, Danny Boy.”

  “Then quit bitching and start helping, Coco.”

  She stared at him, dead-eyed, until he flinched and looked away. “Maybe I’ll just kill you first, Danny, and leave your corpse for Barb to run over multiple times with her car.”

  “Tooopher...”

  She gave a huff. “Fine.”

  They were both quiet for a few moments.

  “Is it too late to tell Barb the whole plan?” she asked. “It won’t help with fooling James and Julia, but it might let you stay, you know, alive.”

  He shot her a skeptical look. “How am I supposed to explain this? ‘Barb, sweetie, my family hates you so much that I’m pretending to date someone really, really obnoxious so you’ll look better in comparison.’ Yeah, that’ll go over well.”