by Cindy Wilder
He pulled away, brushed my eyes with his thumbs, kissed my forehead, and stood up. Quietly, he pulled on his pants. I rolled onto my side so he couldn't see me crying. He pulled the blanket over me and left the room.
In that moment, I was so angry. I was mad at my dad for leaving me. I was pissed at my mom for moving on so fast and for not letting me live my life. I was even mad at his dad for being such a prick. I thought Jack was a good man, but what kind of father would spring a wedding on their son days before. My mom was a real witch, but at least she didn't hide it from me. I was mad that the one man who made me feel was the one man I couldn't have. My mom would disown me if I ever acted on my feelings for Alex. Not because she wouldn't want me to be happy, but because of how it would make her look.
I was sure Alex didn't care one way or the other about me. It was me trying to find any little sign of feelings from him. I knew I was making things up. He was four years older than me. His career was already started. I was in my first year of college. There was no way he would have ever wanted a relationship with me. The times we had together were out of convenience. That was all.
As soon as the wedding was over, I needed to get out of that house. My mind was going crazy being there. I needed away from my mom, from Jack, and most of all from Alex. Getting back to school would help me to clear my mind. I was sure of it.
The next day, I went shopping with my mom. She thought it would be a good bonding experience for us. It really seemed like she wanted to get me alone, so she could pitch me on the reasons she should marry Jack. She went on and on about how much she wants me to get along with Jack and his son. If she knew just how great I along with Alex, her head would probably explode. We were eating lunch, and I was so tired of hearing what a great man Jack was. She didn't say a word about my dad. I know damn well that she knew that was my whole problem with what she was doing.
“You think it was right that Jack didn't tell his son for over six months that you were dating. He let him think he was coming home for Christmas. When he got there, Jack still didn't tell him you were getting married. Do you not see anything wrong with that?” I asked.
“He was worried about how Alex would react. Jack's wife passed away two years ago. Alex was close to her. He wasn't there to help his dad in the end. I think he has some guilt over that. He should have been there. He made his dad go through it alone. I don't see why he's never there for his family. Jack knew that he would be upset about the wedding.”
“I'm not sure how I should feel right now. If that makes Jack caring or not. You sure didn't have a problem telling me even though I would be upset about dad. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I asked her.
“It's different. I'm going to do what's best for me. I knew you would understand that. I knew you would get over it.”
She said it with such calmness in her tone. It took all I had not to walk out of the restaurant on her. She was such a selfish person.
“Why is everything about what is best for you? When are you ever going to concern yourself with what's best for me? What if I don't want to be your perfect daughter anymore? What if I don't want to be a lawyer or doctor? What if I want to be a teacher or work with kids? I can't remember a time when you actually thought about what I wanted instead of how it would make you look.”
“Come on, Sarah. Why are you being so dramatic? You need to do something with yourself. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet. I don't want you to have to count on someone else like I always have.”
“Is that why you're marrying Jack? Is it because you can quit your job and be taken care of?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “He's a good man. I love him very much.”
“Maybe Alex wasn't around when his mom passed away because he was in college. Maybe his mom wanted him to stay at school. What makes you think it was his job to take care of her? It was Jack's job. He was her husband. It wasn't her child's job,” I said.
“He should have been there,” she said.
“You are something else. I don't understand you. Did you love dad? Did you really love him, or did you love him like you love me? Was it because you wanted to be with him, or was it because he could take care of you?” I asked.
“I did love your father. He was a good man. I don't want to be alone, Sarah. You're at college. It's just me at the house. I care about Jack. Why can't you just be happy for me?” she asked.
“Can I have the house? I have so many memories there. It's where I spent all of my time with him. I can still see him there when I look around.”
“No,” she said simply. “I'm going to sell it. I'm going to put the money away in case I ever need it. Come on. We have some shopping to do. I want to get you a nice dress for the wedding.”
I stood up and looked her in the eye.
“Are you using Jack's money or your own?” I asked.
She let out a short laugh.
“Jack's money of course.”
I made sure not to break eye contact with her.
“I'm going back to Jack's. I'm not feeling well. I can wear what I brought with me. I'll see you tomorrow.”
I turned around, stormed out of the mall, and took a cab back to Jack's.
When I got there, I went straight to my room, shut and locked the door, plugged in my headphones, got under the covers, and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes to a dark room. My phone had shut off. I plugged it in to charge it and got back into bed. I looked over at the clock. It was eleven o'clock. I couldn't believe I had slept the whole day. I stared up at the ceiling while I waited for my phone to turn on. The next morning was Christmas. I just wanted the day to pass quickly. They were getting married the day after the holiday. I wanted to get through it as fast as I could, so I could get out of there.
My phone buzzed over and over as it powered up. I heard something on the other side of the room. When I looked up, I heard my bedroom doorknob jiggle. I knew my mom wouldn't be checking on me. It must have been Alex. I couldn't deal with him in person either. He had been gone when I left with my mom and when I had returned alone. My phone lit up with messages. I figured they were from him.
Alex: Where are you? Your mom said you left the mall without getting anything.
Alex: Why am I the only one eating dinner with these two? Your mother said you won't answer your door.
Alex: I'm going to lose my shit if she makes one more comment about you acting like a child.
Alex: You need to eat something.
Alex: How are you feeling?
Alex: Are you okay?
I just finished reading the messages when my phone buzzed with a new one.
Alex: Why is your door locked? What the fuck is going on? Are you okay? I'm going down to get you something to eat. When I come back, your door better be unlocked. If not, both of them are going to find out we know each other when I bust it down.
I heard him moving around his room. The light in the hallway came into my room under my door. Quickly, I got up to unlock my door before getting right back in bed. I put my phone down and continued to stare at the ceiling.
A few minutes later, I heard the door open and close again. He sat down on the edge of the bed with a plate and a cup. I turned the light on that was next to my bed and sat up. He sat still for a moment before turning to hand me the food he brought me.
“I didn't know what to get you. I figured peanut butter and jelly was safe,” he said.
I laughed as I took a bite of the sandwich.
“Thank you,” I said.
“What happened?” he asked.
“The usual,” I answered. “I asked her if I could have the house. She said no. She's going to put the money away in case she ever needs it. I was pissed at her for everything she's ever done. She was talking about you and how you weren't here for your dad. Then, she wanted to buy me clothes so I would make her look good at the wedding. I couldn't spend another moment with her and your dad's money. I came back here and fell asleep with my headphones in. I never hear
d a thing. I had just opened my eyes when you text me.”
“You scared the shit out of me. After your passing out thing, I thought something happened in here. When I asked your mom, she said you were being stubborn. You have to eat and take care of yourself.”
He reached over and moved my hair behind my ear.
“Why do you even care?” I asked. “At least you have your own apartment and don't have to live here. I have to come back in the summer. How am I going to stay here? How am I going to be in this room all summer without you in the next room? I can't do it. I can't be here with those two alone.”
I felt the tears begin to fall, but I couldn't stop them.
“I do care,” he said.
I shook my head at him.
“I'm not coming back here after this. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I can't come back. They are going to want to spend time together as a happy family. I can't do it. You don't understand. I know you have a life. You have other women in your life. I'm not stupid. I get it. I can't be around the way she wants me to be. I care about you. You're the only man I've been with. I can't watch you have a life, bring a woman here, get married, and have a family. I can't watch someone else with the man I want. I can't be around you knowing that I can never be with you again. Thank you for giving me those amazing memories at Thanksgiving. I will never forget that. It was one of the best days of my life.”
“I care about you too,” he said.
I shook my head and looked down at my plate. He moved up the bed and sat against the headboard. I couldn't take the sadness I was feeling. How was I going to move passed him, I wondered? I wasn't sure I could do it. I was falling for him. Shit, I was in love with him. He pulled me back into his arms. My head rested on his chest. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like before we scooted down in the bed and fell asleep.
When I opened my eyes again, he was gone. The bed felt cold where his body had been. Light was shining through the window. I heard voices downstairs and a light knock on the door. When he opened it, his eyes looked a little red. We were both tired. It had been an interesting couple of days.
“Merry Christmas,” he whispered.
“Merry Christmas,” I said.
“They sent me up to get you. Are you ready?” he asked.
“I guess,” I answered.
He smiled a genuine smile, and I felt my heart melt. I needed to soak up every second with him. Once they were married, I would be out of his life forever. There was no way I could look at him the same again. I got out of bed and followed him down the stairs.
My mom handed me a few boxes to open. She sat next to Jack. They seemed genuinely happy. To bad I would never feel that way. I opened my gifts with a smile plastered on my face. There were clothes in most of the boxes and a tablet in the last one. None of it mattered to me. She bought it all with Jack's money. The last box had a dress in it. It was the one she wanted me to wear to the wedding. It would be the last time I would do anything just for her. After the wedding, I was going to live my life for me. If I was going to lose the man I cared about, I was going to have the rest of my life back. Well, I never had it in the first place. That was going to change.
With a fake smile, I thanked them both for my gifts. I was surprised when Jack handed Alex and envelope. He had nothing to open but an envelope. Alex said thank you, but didn't move to see what was inside.
“I figured you could use the money instead,” Jack said.
It was so impersonal.
“You always do,” Alex muttered.
I could see the sadness in his face, and it broke my heart. They really didn't have a relationship. As soon as we were done, Alex left the room. A few minutes later, I knocked on his door and walked into his room.
“What was that about?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he answered.
“Come on,” I said.
“He's never given a shit about me. I've never gotten a gift from him. My mom was the only that ever cared. She always made sure Christmas was amazing. If he had to get me something, he couldn't. He knows nothing about me or what I like. He was always so busy. It was her that made up for his absence.”
“You miss her. I know what you mean. I miss my dad every single day. She's just going to sell every memory I have in that house. He used to measure my height on the wall. It was something I always looked forward to. It's going to be gone. Everything I care about is going to be gone.”
“You want to get out of here?” he asked.
“More than you know,” I answered.
“Meet me outside in fifteen minutes,” he said.
“I have to say something first,” I said. “I need you to know that once they get married, I have to move on. I'm going to make some changes in my life. I don't know what they are yet, but I can't do this anymore.”
I pointed between the two of us and around at the house.
“So we have today together,” he said more as a question.
I nodded my head.
“We need to make it worth it,” he said. “I'm not losing a single moment.”
We both went our separate ways and met outside in fifteen minutes. I didn't care how cute I looked. It was more important for me to be with him. The more time I put into getting ready, the less time I would have with him. I had on jeans, a sweater, a jacket, and a pair of boots. My hair was pulled up, and I made sure to add a little color to my face. When I came down the stairs, my mother was waiting for me.
“Where do you think you're going?” she asked me sternly.
“I'm going to see my dad,” I answered.
There was no way she could argue that one. It would've made her look like an insensitive fool.
“Will you be gone long? It's Christmas,” she said.
“I'll be gone all day. Don't worry. I will be here for your wedding. I won't ruin your day.”
Without another word, I was out the door. He was in his car waiting when I swung the door open.
“Sorry,” I said. “My mom stopped me on the way out.”
He laughed and shook his head, as he drove down the driveway.
“What do you want to do?” he asked.
I bit my lower lip unsure how to ask him.
“Out with it,” he said.
“Will you take me to see my dad?” I asked. “I know it's not your idea of fun, but I need to see him today. It's Christmas.”
“Of course,” he said, as he grabbed my hand in his. “I can stay in the car if you want.”
“No,” she said. “I want you to go with me.”
“Will you go with me as well?” he asked. “I haven't been to see my mom since she passed away. I think it's time.”
“Of course,” I said.
We stopped to get flowers on the way there. They weren't the nicest, but that wasn't what mattered. Our parents were buried at the same cemetery. We went to see my dad first. I set the flowers on the ground in front of his stone. Alex stood quietly. I leaned down and talked to my father. I wanted him to know how much I missed him. I also let him know what a pain my mom was being and how sorry I was for what she was doing to him. Alex stood patiently behind me. I whispered to my father about the man I was falling deeply for and how wrong it was that we would never be together. When I thought about how much I cared for Alex, tears streamed down my cheeks. He must have seen my shoulders shake because he leaned down behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I turned to bury my face in his chest.
“I miss him so much,” I cried.
“I know,” he whispered into my hair.
When I finally was able to pull my emotions together, he pulled back and wiped my face with his hands. I stood up and pulled him up with me. We walked hand in hand back to his car and drove to where his mother was. I held the flowers as we walked quietly. He stopped and bent down next to her stone. His hands wiped across it to remove the dirt that was touching her name. I touched his shoulder and handed him her flowers. He put them down and bowed his head. My heart broke for the man in fr
ont of me. I loved him. He was the man for me. Why had our parents gotten together?
He stood up and pulled me close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed his cheek. He hadn't said a single word out loud. I'm sure he was thinking a million thoughts. She knew what was on his mind. I looked at his face and down at her stone.
“I'm Sarah,” I said. “I just want you to know how amazing your son is. He's a teacher now. I think you would be very proud. He's not one of those teachers that make you nod off or watch the clock to see how many horrible minutes are left in his class. He's passionate about what he teaches. I can tell. He explains things in ways I have never heard before. I have to admit, when he speaks, students listen. He has a very nice apartment as well. Alex has done very well for himself. He actually cooked Thanksgiving dinner this year. We watched the parade. He thought of you the whole time. He's told me so many good things about you. I know you were a great mother to him. He's an amazing man. You did a great job of raising him. He's going to be a great husband and father one day. This is the only time I'll be able to see you. I just wanted you to know what a great man I think he is.”
I could feel Alex's body shake against me, but neither of us said a word. We remained still for a very long time. I didn't want to let him go. He didn't want me to see him cry. When he was ready, he turned us to walk back to the car.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“I guess,” I answered.
He drove around until he found a restaurant that was open. By the time we ordered our food, the sad moment had passed.
“Can you imagine what our parents are saying right now?” he asked with a smile.