by Cindy Wilder
As I ran to the bathroom yet again, I thought back. I ran back to my room and flipped through my calendar. Oh shit! I grabbed my purse, phone, and keys, and took off out the door.
On my way back to my room, I hurried into the bathroom. I ripped open the box, read the directions, followed them perfectly, and carefully carried the stick back to my room. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I was so afraid to look down to see how many lines had appeared. I was holding my future in my hand, and it all depended on one tiny pink line.
I took a deep breath in and looked down at the stick in my hand.
My Stepbrother the Teacher #4
Three Years Later
I pulled into the parking lot of the hall Jack had given me the address of. There were already more than twenty cars surrounding me. I felt the sweat growing on my forehead, as my hands shook on the steering wheel. Maybe I should leave, I thought. I sat in my car trying to decide if I should take the step toward fixing things with my mother. There was a huge chance that she would embarrass me in front of everyone she knew. There was a small chance she would accept me for who I was and be a part of my life.
Jack invited me to her 50th birthday party. I knew it was a huge risk for him. There was so much he didn't know. Even my mom didn't know everything. I was the only one that knew the whole truth. Jack knew that my mother had gotten into an argument with me not long after their wedding. He had no idea what it was about. I knew there was no way she told him the truth. She hadn't told a single person that I was no longer her perfect daughter. I was sure of that. The only thing he knew was that I moved in with my grandparents for the summer. I wasn't sure if he even knew I hadn't gone back to the same school. The wedding was the last time I had seen Jack. He had no idea what he did when he invited me to the party. There was a huge chance it was going to blow up in his face.
A car pulled in next to me, and a couple got out. When they opened the door to the hall, I saw my mom talking. She hadn't changed much, but she was laughing as she spoke. I could see that she seemed happy. Maybe if she saw me her opinion would change, I thought. As much of a pain-in-the-ass as she was to me during high school, I missed her. I had no idea how she could feel the way she did about me. If she saw how well I was doing for myself, her thoughts would change. She wouldn't be embarrassed of me anymore. She would be proud of who I was becoming. That was what I wanted anyway. Maybe the things she said to me that day were said out of anger. I was sure she would give me a chance if she saw for herself what a good person I was.
I knew in my heart that it was my one and only chance to have her in my life again. If she made me look like a fool, it wouldn't matter. The people inside that hall were people that were a part of her life not mine. I would never see them again. If she turned me away, I would go on with my life just as I had been for three years. I would make one attempt to be a part of her life again. I needed to at least try. I would do it for both of us.
I checked with Jack to see who would be there before I agreed to go. He told me that his son wasn't going. I asked about different people, so he wouldn't realize Alex was my biggest concern. We talked about the guest list several times. Jack seemed happy that I had agreed to show up. He had no idea, poor guy. I felt bad for him. She was going to lose it all over him if things didn't work out. I remembered what it was like living with her. That would not be pretty.
I let my head fall back against the seat, and I tried to clear my head and prepare myself. My mind wandered back three years earlier to the last time I had spoken to my mother. I remembered it like it was yesterday and never forgot the things she said to me.
***
I called and asked her if she could meet me for lunch by school. It was her day off. She agreed, and lunch was great. We went back to my dorm, and I asked her to come in and talk. She wanted to get home but came in anyway. I wasn't sure exactly how to break the news to her. She would either stand by me or walk away. I was sure her love for me would win, but I couldn't have been more wrong. She sat down in the chair that was in front of my desk. I sat down on the edge of my bed and kept my eyes on my hands in my lap.
“I have something I need to tell you.”
“Okay,” she said. “Is it about your classes?”
“No,” I answered. “It's about me.”
“You didn't do something stupid did you? Of course you didn't. What is it?”
I wanted to get up and walk away from her, but I needed to tell her.
“I'm pregnant,” I whispered.
She shot up from her chair before I could say another word.
“You can't be serious,” she snapped. “That's not possible. You have school to finish and a career ahead of you. How could you?”
I knew she needed to get it out of her system. She would calm down in a few minutes.
“I didn't do it on purpose.”
Of course she cut me off. Nothing I ever said mattered to her.
“Are you sure?” she asked. “What did I ever do to you? How could you get pregnant after everything I've given you? You will finish school. You will do good for yourself. There's no way a baby is bringing you down. Do you know how this will look to people? My unwed daughter pregnant.”
“This isn't just about you. I didn't do it on purpose.”
“Do you know who the father is? Don't tell me you've been sleeping around. You'll give it up. That's what you'll do. You can stay at the house until you have the baby. Then you'll go back to school. When are you due? Is it over the summer? You could be back before classes start.”
She was going on and on. I couldn't get a word in. When she told me she would pretty much hide me and then send me back to school, I thought I was hearing things.
“I'm not giving the baby up,” I said, as I stood up.
That was out of the question. I quickly figured out that she was not going to stand by me. There was no way I was giving up my baby. The baby that was part me and part the man I would always love.
“Oh yes you are,” she snapped. “No daughter of mine is having a baby this young. That is not happening. Is it to late do something about it? How far along are you?”
I couldn't believe what she had just said.
“I know you did not just say what I think you said. Don't you dare say that again,” I snapped.
“I taught you better than to sleep around. What kind of girl are you? Were you having sex in high school?” she asked. “What do you want from me?”
“I've only slept with one man. Stop making me sound like some kind of slut. I wanted you to support and be there for me.”
“I'm not paying for your mistakes.”
When she said that, I was done.
“I didn't ask you to pay for anything. I just wanted you to be there for me. This baby is not a mistake. Don't you ever say that again. I'm a good person. Yes, I had sex. That doesn't make me horrible. I should have been more careful. I'm not saying I shouldn't have. I love this baby. There is no way I will give the baby up.”
“I won't be any part of it,” she said. “I can't help you. Do you know how this makes me look as a mother? You're giving the baby up.”
“No, I'm not,” I said.
“You can figure it out then. I'm not going to be embarrassed because you couldn't keep your legs closed. If you don't give the baby up, then I'm done with you.”
“Are you serious?” I asked. “You would just toss me to the side. It's that easy for you.”
She picked up her purse and keys and turned to look at me.
“Call me when you change your mind. You can't do this without me,” she said with a smirk.
I stood with my mouth open in shock. She walked over, opened the door, and left. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
***
A noise from the back seat snapped me from my thoughts. I turned to make sure everything was okay. A smiled crossed my face, as I looked at the precious little eyes that were just opening up from a nap.
I wanted my mom to want to be a part of our
life. She was wrong about me. I wanted her to want us. Why, I'm not sure. The way she treated me that day was unacceptable. For some reason, I still wanted her love. Maybe a part of me just wanted her to see how good I was doing without her help. I wasn't the loser she made me sound like that day. My child was my world. I was so glad I hadn't let her make that decision for me.
My grandparents had been the ones to stand by my side. The same two people she tried to keep me from. They loved me so much. I couldn't have done it without them. They let me know what they thought of my behavior, and they made me do for myself. My grandma wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself. She taught me that I had someone else I was living for and that I needed to make a good life for us. My dad would have been happy that they were there for me. He never would have turned his back like that.
I stopped myself from thinking anymore about it before any tears had a chance to fall. My mom needed to see me fresh and happy. I was proud of the woman I was becoming. She wasn't going to take that away. If she gave me a chance, she would be proud too.
It was time to get moving. I didn't want to chicken out and drive away. It was my one chance to ask her to be a part of my life, our life. With a huge smile plastered on my face, I got out of the car and opened the back door. The beautiful smile that looked up at me was all I needed to keep going. We could get through everything together. I reached in and unbuckled my little one and grabbed my mom's gift.
I took a huge breath in and out, as I opened the door to the hall. Jack saw me right away. His eyes widened, and it took a moment for him to move in my direction. With a huge smile on his face, he leaned in and hugged me before turning to my little smiling baby.
“And who is this little cutie?” he asked.
“This is my son, Josh,” I said.
Jack took Josh's hand in his and smiled.
“It's nice to meet you, Josh,” he said. “I'm a grandpa then.”
I let out a snort. He had no idea just how right he was. I had to catch my breath before speaking.
“I guess you are,” I said.
Jack saw my mother look over at me. She looked away just as quickly. A look of confusion crossed his face. He leaned his head to the side, and his eyes narrowed.
“Does she know?” he asked.
I nodded to him. I was sure that he had seen the emotion fill my eyes, but I pushed it away as fast as it appeared.
“That's why we haven't spoken since just after your wedding. She said she wouldn't be a part of my life if I kept the baby.”
“No,” he said. “She couldn't have said that.”
“She did,” I said. “I didn't want money. I just wanted her to be there. She didn't want her daughter to be less than perfect. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when you invited me. I should have. I just thought maybe if she saw us, she would change her mind. I guess that's not going to happen. I don't want to cause a scene. I'm sorry if she gets upset with you for inviting me. I'm going to tell her happy birthday, and then I'm going to go. I'll be quick. I won't ruin her day. I just wanted her to see him.”
“I had no idea,” he said. “I just wanted the two of you to move on from whatever happened. I can't believe she didn't tell me. She never said a thing. I'm so surprised. I never would have stood for that.”
“It wasn't your responsibility. Please don't let this come between the two of you. I'm sorry I wasn't the most supportive of your marriage. I was just hurt that she had moved on so quickly from my father. You couldn't control that,” I said.
“I understand that,” he said. “Alex just started talking to me again. I went about telling him the wrong way. That was a huge mistake that I paid dearly for. We are finally starting to connect again. I guess I was hoping you and your mom could do the same. Let me walk over with you.”
Jack looked over at Josh and smiled.
“You are so adorable little guy. I would say you got your good looks from me, but I know that's not possible. You seem like a happy little one.”
He needed to quit saying stuff like that. My heart was racing at the thought of someone figuring out the truth. I needed to say a quick hello and move along.
The three of us walked up to my mother. She was still talking to her friend and couldn't be bothered with stopping to talk to me. I'm sure it was her way of showing me how unimportant I was in her life. The hair on the back of my neck stood, and I reached up to rub it. There must have been a breeze, I thought. My body shivered. I hoped I wasn't catching something. When I turned my head, I saw Alex standing at the bar. Jack was standing between him and my arm, so I knew he hadn't seen the baby. Even if he did, he'd never figure it out. I knew he would think I had moved on just like he did. I couldn't help but think back to the day my mother walked out of my life.
***
Alex was the next one to come clean with. The conversation with my mother went much worse than I thought it would. I figured I might as well let him walk out on me too. It was time. When I called the cab, I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to tell him. He didn't owe me anything. I didn't want a single thing from him. All I wanted to do was let him know he was going to be a father. He could be in or out of the baby's life. That was his choice. The drive wasn't long, but it felt like forever. I paid the driver and walked to the door of Alex's apartment. Just as I lifted my hand to knock, I heard laughing. It wasn't his laugh. I could pick that out anywhere. His laugh had a certain cuteness to it.
I quietly leaned to the side and looked in his window. Tears instantly filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. He was sitting on the couch with a woman. She was laughing away, as she sat next to him with one hand on his knee and the other on his chest. I watched her lean in. Just as their lips connected, I moved away from the window. When I turned to leave, I accidentally hit the door with my arm. Oh shit, I thought and took off running so he wouldn't see me.
I walked all the way back to my dorm. There was no reason not to. It gave me time to think, and I needed the exercise. He hadn't contacted me in over a month. I don't know why I expected him not to move on. The thought of him being with someone else never even crossed my mind. Just because I was stuck on him that whole time didn't mean he felt the same way. My mother had already tossed me to the side, why not him too. That was the moment I decided not to tell him. If our parents found out, they would flip. Even if it did happen before they made us stepbrother and stepsister. I didn't really want anyone to find out he got a student pregnant either. I was sure that wouldn't be a good thing for a first year teacher. It would most likely follow him through his career. He obviously didn't have feelings for me.
When I got back to the dorm, I called my grandparents. They picked me up the following Friday after my last class, and I spent the weekend with them. I wanted to finish my classes. It would be fine. I would wear sweatshirts and things to cover my bump once I showed. It would still be chilly and that wasn't out of the ordinary. There was no chance of me running into Alex again. I had made it an entire month without crossing his path already. I agreed to move in with my grandparents as soon as classes were over. I would be there for the last three months of my pregnancy.
***
Jack tapped my arm and pulled me from my thoughts. My mother's friend was walking away. I turned my head as my mom walked toward us.
“It'll be okay,” Jack whispered.
My hands were shaking, and I wanted to run. The look in her eyes was not one of love. She stopped and looked over at the baby before looking back at me. I knew Alex had spotted me. The heat of his stare burned through me. Was it ever going to get easier, I wondered? I had a feeling it wouldn't need to from my mother's words. We wouldn't be running into each other again.
“Hello,” my mother said sternly.
“Happy Birthday,” I said.
She nodded. I felt Alex getting closer. It made my heart race. I wasn't sure exactly where he was. I kept my eyes focused on my mother. There was no way I could concern myself with him at the same time. It was too much.
“This is y
our son?” she asked, as she pointed at him.
“Yes,” I said. “This is Josh.”
She stood as serious as can be. I don't know why I expected anything different.
“You named him after your father?” she asked.
“I did,” I answered.
I saw Alex out of the corner of my eye. The exact moment he spotted Josh, I knew. His eyes widened and the smile had fallen from his face. He continued moving toward us.
“I can't believe you would show up here. How dare you bring him with you. I thought I made it clear how I felt when you told me. What makes you think I would feel any differently now? This is my birthday. These are my friends. Did you do it so you could show what a bad mother I was?”
My mother was speaking low so her friends couldn't hear her.
“What did you just say to her?” Alex said stepping closer.
“This has nothing to you do with you, Alex,” she said. “It has everything to do with my daughter having sex with some loser and getting knocked up when she was supposed to be getting an education. You need to stay out of it. Are you even with him now?”
She shot an I told you so look in my direction and smiled.
“Yes,” I said.
I was hoping Alex would back off and walk away.
“I bet you are,” she said sarcastically. “He's probably long gone. I can't believe you. You need to leave.”
“Don't talk to her like that,” Alex snapped.
“You know what,” I said. “I don't know why I expected you to be any different than you always have been. You wouldn't even give me a chance to have the house I lived in as a child. The one that held all of my memories of my dad. You threw me out like trash when you found out about me being pregnant. For some reason, I thought you would change your mind if you saw how good I had done for myself. I'm still in college. I have a job and an apartment. I'm doing an amazing job raising my baby. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry for coming.”
I turned to Jack.
“I'm so sorry for all of this, Jack,” I said. “I gave you such a hard time when you two got together. I'm so sorry for that. I didn't think she should be with you. Really, you shouldn't have been with her. I don't know how you do it.”