by Cindy Wilder
Me: Yes. My dad's yelling for me. I'll talk to you later. Are you home?
Brad: No, I have some running around to do today. I'll be home later tonight. Talk to you then.
Me: Okay. Have a great day.
Brad: You too.
I shoved my phone in my back pocket and grabbed my shoes. As soon as I got them tied, I took off down the stairs. Brad's door was closed when I ran passed. He said he wasn't home. When we got outside, his car wasn't in the driveway. I'd have time to talk to him before we saw each other again.
By the time we left the house, it was two o'clock in the afternoon. My dad took me to a restaurant he used to take to me when I was a little girl. It was a family owned place that we went to with my mom. He seemed like a different man. We talked about his job. He usually made it seem kind of boring, but he was talking that day about all of the good things going on there. I noticed most of his conversation went back to Jen. He truly seemed happy with her. She had a nice house and seemed to care so much about her boys. It helped that I knew how wonderful one of those boys were.
I thought back to the different things Brad had said about his mom while we were together at school. His dad left when he was younger, and she worked several jobs at a time to take care of the kids. He said his two brothers didn't really give a shit, but he started working young so he could help her. I know he took on student loans so she wouldn't have to pay for his schooling. He worked to pay for the apartment he lived in at school. I knew he was excited to get home but knew there was a lot of work waiting for him.
“Tara,” my dad said, snapping me out of my thoughts of Brad.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Tell me about your friend,” he said.
“There's not much to tell you,” I said. “He's a nice guy. We were lab partners in biology class. You know how I am about that stuff. He agreed to do all the dirty work, and I said I would write all the papers. He ended up saving my ass in the class. I was having a hard time, and he studied with me for every test. He was there to spend the day with me that day I talked to you. We're good friends.”
“Will I ever meet this friend?” he asked.
“I'm sure you will one day,” I said. “You seem very happy. Jen seems like a great mom. I'm glad she's treats you good. Can we go to the cemetery today?”
“Of course,” he said. “We'll go as soon as we leave here. I took the day off to spend with you. We can do whatever you want.”
“Jen works two jobs?” I asked.
“She does,” he said. “I want her to go down to only one job once we're married. She's fighting me on it. I understand that she's nervous about depending on someone else. Her husband wasn't a good man. He wasn't good with the boys or her. She's afraid if something happens between us, she won't be able to pick right back up and find a new job. One of her boys has helped her a lot. She doesn't want him to have to do so much for her anymore. Once summer's over, I won't have the apartment to pay for and can contribute more to the home. She knows why I'm keeping it. I told her I wouldn't give it up until you had time to make a decision. She knows that I want you to have it to go to if you're not happy at the house. I'm not sure if she'll even quit one of the jobs. She's very independent. I know I need to be understanding about it.”
“I was thinking about the apartment. I want to move my stuff over to the house. It's amazing that you would worry about my feelings like that. I really appreciate it. If you had told me you moved in with her and I had to go, I'm not sure how I would have felt. I really like that you kept the apartment and gave me that option, but I don't want you to pay for a place you're not living in. You've put me ahead of everything else for so long. It's time that you live for you. She makes you happy. You shouldn't have to pay for the apartment. I want you to put that money into your life with her. We can go move my stuff so you can save money. I'll be back at school in less than three months. Even if I don't like it at the house, I can do it for that long. If that's where you are, then that's where I'll be.”
“Really?” he asked. “Are you sure about that? I won't be able to get it back.”
“I'm sure,” I said. “We can go there after we see mom.”
“You're the best the daughter a guy could ask for. I love you, baby girl. Will you be a part of the wedding?”
“Anything for you, dad,” I said.
It was hard going to the cemetery after having been away for the school year. My dad had flowers there from him and some from me. We bought new ones on the way. It seemed like he hadn't been there in a bit. I threw out the old ones and cleaned up the site. By the time we left, I was covered in dirt. My dad kept saying things about why he hadn't been there in a month, but I told him it was fine. He was moving on with his life, and I was glad he still acknowledged and visited her. I was pleased with the way everything looked and made a mental note to come back alone soon. There were some things I wanted to tell her without my dad there.
We got to the apartment around five. Jen was making dinner for seven, so I knew I only had an hour before we had to leave. I took a quick shower to get all the dirt off and got dressed in some clothes that were still at the apartment. When I looked around, I knew that I had more things than I remembered. My dad did some stuff in other rooms, and I started packing up some of my clothes. He walked in to find my things all over the place and laughed.
“More than you thought?” he asked.
“Much more,” I said. “Where did I get all this stuff? A ton of it can be thrown out. I just want to make sure I keep the good stuff and the memories. Jen's making dinner soon. I won't be able to get it all done today.”
“Take your time, Tara,” he said. “I don't want you to move it all today. I want you to make sure you keep everything you want. There's no rush. I just paid the rent, so we have the apartment for another whole month. If you want, you can take me to work and use the car. I can get a ride home, or you can pick me up. It's no big deal. I feel bad that you don't have a car of your own right now.”
“Don't feel bad,” I said. “It was easier to get rid of it than to pay insurance for nine months without it even being driven.”
I got more packed than I thought I was going to in that little bit of time. It wasn't a big deal for me that we wouldn't be living there anymore. I guess it was a little bit, but I'd had a much harder time when we moved out of our house after my mom passed away.
My mind kept going back to Brad and the previous night. I really wanted to talk to him. There was no way I wanted him to mention our relationship. Something seemed off about him when we were together. I wasn't sure if we were just both tired, if he regretted that I was there, or if he was happy we would be able to see each other. We definitely needed to talk. I was so nervous about how it was going to go. He was different that night. I almost felt like his feelings weren't there. Maybe he didn't plan on being with me again. I felt sad as I thought about it. The sex was different. It was good. I liked that aggressive side of him. It was definitely nothing like it had been before, but I felt like something was wrong. The feelings that were usually there when he touched me were missing. I felt tears in my eyes the more I thought about it. He was such an amazing and caring man. Why was I doubting that night? I wanted to see him so badly. What I really wanted was to have him wrap his arms around me and let me know that everything was okay between us. My phone buzzed and pulled back to reality.
Brad: I'll be home around nine. My mom wants to have a talk with me tonight. We talked last night for a bit, but she doesn't think we were done. There's crazy shit going on. I'll talk to you as soon as she's done with me. I miss you so much.
Me: Okay. I miss you too. I'll talk to you then. Is everything okay with us?
Brad: Of course. Why wouldn't it be?
Me: It's nothing. I think I'm just tired. We went to my mom's grave today. I fixed it up. Now I'm boxing up all my stuff.
Brad: Did you tell her how hot I was? Why are you packing? I'll talk to you about it tonight. I've got to get going. Have
a great time with your dad.
I didn't respond to his last text. It didn't make any sense. Did he really think I was still going to live in the apartment? Was last night really like a goodbye for him? He knew I had a room in the house. It was right next to his. Did he really not want me there, I wondered?
“You almost ready?” my dad asked. “Jen's hoping we'll all be there for dinner.”
“I am,” I answered.
I quickly threw some more stuff into a box and sealed it up, as I tried to clear my mind of any negative thoughts. We carried out a couple of boxes of clothes and were on our way. The drive was much longer with all the extra traffic we hadn't experienced earlier. I was going to miss our apartment. There were so many memories of my time with just my dad and me there. He was my hero, the man I would always look up to.
“It's going to take longer than I thought to pack it all,” I said.
I looked into the backseat at the boxes.
“Take your time. We can keep the apartment as long as you want. I mean it. You weren't the one that made the decision to move. Please don't feel like you have to do it all right away. This is your summer. I want you to go out and have fun. Don't spend all of these beautiful days, stuck in a room, packing. Jen was so excited last night. She kept talking about how sweet you are. We are so excited to see our kids. I'm so glad your home, baby girl. You're staying in a dorm again next year, right?”
“Actually, I was thinking about that. Do you think I could try to rent an apartment? If I worked, I could maybe pay for it on my own. I know you pay for school, books, and food. Maybe I could make enough to pay for that,” I said.
“If you did that, the money I pay for the dorm could go toward the apartment. Let me think about it. I might be able to help you more once I'm not paying for our apartment anymore. I'm thinking some of that money could go toward it as well.”
“No,” I said sternly. “That's your money. You want your woman to go down to one job. You're going to need that money for bills. I'm good with you putting the dorm money toward it. That would be okay, I guess. A friend of mine has an apartment. He shares it with a few other guys.”
“Oh, hell no,” my dad snapped.
I was surprised by his reaction when he cut me off. It had been a long time since I had seen him react that way.
“What?” I snapped back.
I guess those last nine months of living on my own had made me a little more independent. He was upset, and I was getting defensive. There wasn't anyone around those few months to tell me what I needed to do.
“You're not living with a guy. You most definitely are not living with several guys. My ass will be down there so fast. It's not happening, T. You can get that thought right out of your mind,” he said, getting louder by the second.
“Seriously,” I barked back at him. “First of all, I never said I wanted to live with a bunch of guys. All I said was that my friend did. I was going to say maybe I could find some people to share an apartment. Second of all, why are you treating me like that?”
We pulled up at the house. My dad got out of the car and stormed across the driveway. He turned to say something, and I saw the look on his face. He was ready to go head to head with me. I walked right past him and into the house. Jen might as well see the worst we have to offer, I thought. I was actually hoping he would just drop it so her family wouldn't see our loving display. He walked in behind me, and I stopped.
“What do you mean treating you that way?” he yelled from behind me.
I guess he didn't care if she saw it or not. He was not backing down from the conversation. It was good that he wasn't being fake in front of her. I could smell food, so I knew Jen was home. I just wasn't sure if she was alone, or if Brad and his brother were home.
“You want to talk about this now, dad?” I asked.
“I sure do,” he snapped. “Don't think it makes a difference where we are standing. We are finishing this conversation right now.”
“I never said I was living with a guy. You cut me off before I could finish. That wasn't even a thought in my mind. Now that you mentioned it, I want to talk about it. I'm nineteen, dad. You need to understand that I'm going to have boyfriends, and we are going to touch each other at some point. You need to trust my decisions and know that I'm not going to do anything to get hurt. I'm not going to let some asshole walk all over me. I'm a very strong person, and it takes a long time for me to trust anyone. You raised me. I need you to be confident that you did a good job. I worked my ass off this year so you would be proud of me. When I thought I wasn't going to get an A in biology, I was a mess. My friend studied with me like you wouldn't believe just so I would feel and do better. It's always been important for you to be proud of me. I would never want to let you down.”
“I am proud of you,” he said.
I noticed his voice getting a little calmer and was relieved. At the same time, he needed to let me be an adult.
“Look,” I said. “You have no idea how many girls at school partied and moved from one man to the next this year. It was all about drinking and screwing. I'm not like everyone else, and you need to trust me. I've talked to one guy this year. That's all. We spent most of our time studying.”
“Most of your time,” he said, his voice getting louder again. “What do you mean most of your time? I will fucking tear him to shreds with my bare hands. That fucker.”
“Stop,” I yelled back at him.
His eyes widened, and he stood looking at me. I had never yelled at my dad like that before. It was kind of shocking for me too. I just couldn't stand to hear him talk about Brad like he was some piece of shit that was using me.
“You need to stop. It's not like that. He's a really good guy that I care very much about. I will not have you act like he is some kind of creep. You don't even know him. I don't know what you are thinking right know. I am your daughter, and I always will be. You need to trust me and let me make my own decisions. You picked me up from school and dropped an atomic bomb on my ass. Did I freak out and start screaming at you?”
He stood silent.
“I told you I was happy for you. I told you I wanted you to find love. My only thing was that she had to treat you good and love you. I didn't get all bent out of shape that you had been dating someone for six months and only mentioned a friend one time. Did I yell and complain that you moved in with your friend and told me later? No, I didn't. What happened when you told me you were marrying her? Not a damn thing. You don't think I want to cry because I miss my mom every moment of every day, and you are moving on from her. Of course I do. The selfish part of me wants to keep you to myself, because that's how it's been for the last nine years. I know you need love in your life and would never ask you to give that up for me. I'm being as good as I can about moving out of the place my memories of just the two of us are. It's hard for me to see you with someone that's not mom. I know I can't bring her back. I know you need to move on. It makes me happy to see you with Jen. She seems to really care about you. As much as I don't want to like her, I can't help it. She's good to you.”
I took a huge breath in and back out before continuing.
“You've never even met my friend, and all you're doing is judging him. You talk about him like he's a loser, and you couldn't be more wrong. If you want the truth, I'll give it to you. He's too good for me. That's the truth. He is gorgeous, sweet, brilliant, caring, and loving. He loves his family and helps his mom. We both have issues. He's had things happen in the past just like I have. That day he found me in bed under the covers, he skipped his classes and work to make sure I wasn't alone. He made me eat and get dressed. He wouldn't let me stay alone that night. I fell asleep in his arms. You want to know something? He never expected anything from me. You need to get to know people before you judge them. I mean it. He's too good for me. You asked me to give Jen a chance and I am. I really like her so far. Can't you do the same for me?”
I stood looking him in the eye.
“I want y
ou to know one more thing. He never pushed me for anything. I was the one that wanted to be with him. Who knows if we'll make it through the summer or next year, but I don't regret a single second I've been with him. I'm going to my room.”
I turned around to walk away.
“What did you just say? Did you just say what I think you did?” he snapped out from behind me.
As I walked past the kitchen, I saw Jen and Brad standing in the doorway. She had a shocked look on her face. For a moment, I thought I saw regret in Brad's eyes. Did he regret being with me? My emotions were on overload. I had never had an argument like that with my dad before. Everything was piling up on me, and I guess I finally snapped. I looked over at Jen on my way passed them.
“I'm sorry,” I whispered.
I went to my room and closed the door behind me. The house was quiet around me. I couldn't hear them talking if they were. When I sat down on my bed, I felt like I was going to lose it. He had me so upset. I knew he didn't mean anything bad by what he was saying. He was just trying to protect me from getting hurt. There was just so much going on, and I was doing my best to adjust. He really needed to just let it go, but he wouldn't. I was hoping that he wasn't too mad at me over the way I talked to him in front of Jen. When I fell back onto the bed, I closed my eyes.
I jumped when I heard my door open and hoped it was Brad. He was the one I wanted to see in that moment. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and let me know that everything was okay.
“T”
It was my dad. I looked up and saw the worried look on his face. I looked over at the clock and realized it had been two hours since I walked into my room. Brad never came to talk to me. I picked up my phone and there were no text messages either.
“Dinners ready. Can you please come down and eat. Jen spent a lot of time on the food.”
I think he was waiting for me to explode on him, but I didn't. There really way no energy left in me for that.
“I'll be down in a few,” I said.
He walked out and closed the door behind him. I wasn't even thinking about him anymore. My thoughts were on Brad and how different everything seemed. He heard the entire conversation between me and my dad and knew how upset I was. How could he not acknowledge it? If he didn't come to my room, I could understand. I figured he would have at least text me. The Brad I knew at school wouldn't have let what happened go without acknowledging it. Maybe he really didn't plan on being with me anymore, I thought. Maybe I was just passing time for him at school. If that was the case, then he was very good. I really thought he cared about me.