by Cindy Wilder
I finally fell asleep around six o'clock, just as the sun was peeking through the window.
There was a knocking in my dream that wouldn't quit. It was driving me crazy. I opened my burning eyes and tried to focus on the clock. My eyes felt swollen, and I was exhausted. The nauseous feeling in my stomach told me I hadn't had nearly enough sleep. It was only eight o'clock.
I could hear talking coming from down the hall. It sounded like Brad, but I didn't want to assume anything. There was an unfamiliar voice as well. Maybe that was Billy, I thought. Just as I covered my head with my thick pillow, I heard the knock again. Why the hell were they up so early, I wondered?
“Tara,” a voice said.
I removed the pillow.
“What?” I snapped.
“We wanted to have a nice family breakfast before Billy went home,” my dad said.
That voice I was sure of.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Would you please get up?” he asked. “Jen's cooking right now. The food should be ready in about twenty minutes.”
“Whatever,” I snapped.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“I don't want to talk about it. I'll be down in a bit.”
When I stood, I squeezed my legs together. The soreness of Brad slamming into me was still there. I quickly grabbed some clothes and took off for the bathroom. The door opened just as I reached for the knob. I was greeted with a cocky smirk and knew immediately it was Brayden.
“We meet again,” he said.
“Get the fuck out of my way,” I snapped.
“Aren't we touchy this morning,” he said.
I pushed him into the wall and slammed the door, hitting him in the back of the leg.
“Fuck,” he snapped. “That hurt, bitch.”
“Screw you,” I yelled.
I got dressed and hurried back to my room. There wasn't any more there than when I arrived a little over a week before. I couldn't believe how much life could change in just one week. The last bag I had was in the corner. I grabbed it and threw the rest of my things inside before closing it up. My hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, and there was no makeup on my face. I didn't give a shit. I really didn't. All I had to do was get through breakfast peacefully and be on my way. I could do that, I told myself. Keep the peace and leave them all as a happy family. I gave myself a sarcastic thumbs up in the mirror, shoved my feet into my sneakers, grabbed my bag, took a deep breath, stood tall with my shoulders back, and pulled open my door.
I reached the bottom of the stairs and heard happy conversation coming from the dining room. My dad's keys were on the table by the front door. I grabbed them and quickly went outside to put my bag in the car. Billy hit the bottom step just as I slid my dad's keys back into their spot.
“Making your escape plan?” he asked.
After what happened the night before and staying awake for most of the night, I was barely holding myself together. I wanted to scream, cry, and laugh all at the same time.
“What?” I asked innocently.
“Your room is empty,” he said.
“Are you some kind of secret agent or something?” I asked.
He burst into laughter, and I couldn't help but laugh with him. I was hanging on by a thread. I'm not kidding. I was so close to losing my shit.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yep,” I snapped out quickly with a wide, fake smile.
“Tara,” he said, as he grabbed my arm.
I pulled back from him.
“Look,” I said. “I'm seriously an inch away from breaking down right now. Can we please get through this family fucking breakfast so I can get the hell out of here? Everyone can move on with there wonderful lives and live happily-ever-after in just a little bit.”
His eyes widened as I spoke and he nodded. I walked ahead of him into the kitchen and heard Jen gasp.
“Are you okay, Tara?” she asked.
“Peachy,” I answered with my plastered on smile.
“You look,” she began, but stopped herself.
“Need any help with anything?” I asked in an edgy tone.
Hold it together, I thought. Your dad deserves to be happy. It was what I kept repeating in my mind.
“No,” she said. “I have everything at the table already.”
I nodded and walked into the dining room. My dad was talking to one of the twins. I sat down, making sure to look down at my plate the entire time. The other twin walked in with Billy. That was Brad. I had already learned that Billy and Brayden were not friends. What the hell was with all the B's, I thought and snickered to myself. Brad sat down next to me and Billy sat next to him. Asshole was across from me. My dad was on my other side. Jen walked in and sat next to Brayden. Billy filled his plate high with food and Brayden followed. My dad and Jen began to eat as well. Brad hadn't said a word or moved an inch since he sat down. I could feel him sitting there. The heat from his body was invading my space. My legs began to bounce on their own. I could feel my nerves getting the best of me.
“Are you two going to eat?” Jen asked.
Both Brad and I reached forward at the same moment and our hands touched. I stood up from the table and walked toward the kitchen.
“Sit down,” Jen said. “I'll get you anything you need. You did so much yesterday for us. You deserve to rest.”
“I can get it,” I snapped, as I continued walking.
When I walked toward the sink to fill a glass with water, I could hear them talking about me.
“What's her problem?” Brayden asked.
“I don't know,” Brad said. “Do you, Brayden?”
“Not a clue,” he said. “Maybe she just needs to get laid by a real man.”
“Excuse me,” Jen said. “You need to be quiet, Brayden. That is not appropriate.”
“Isn't that how a brother would talk to his sister?” he asked.
“Enough, Brayden,” my dad chimed in. “That is my daughter you're talking about.”
“Come on, Tim,” Brayden said. “Do you really not think a boy has touched your precious daughter?”
I shoved the door opened, walked over to my seat, slammed my water down, and sat down with a huff. Keep quiet, I thought. I was so tired. How long was I going to have to play nice before I could leave, I wondered?
“That's not any of your business,” I snapped. “Dad, we need to talk.”
“Is it something that can wait until after our first family breakfast together?” he asked aggravated.
“No,” I said. “You sure didn't mind going on last weekend in front of Jen and Brayden about my personal life. I think we can talk right now.”
He looked over at me and his head cocked to the side.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Your eyes are red and swollen. What's going on?”
“I'm fine,” I said. “If one more of you ask if I'm okay, I'm going to lose my shit. I'm not feeling very well at the moment. Thank you for understanding.”
“What's wrong?” he asked again.
“Please,” I snapped. “I wanted to talk to you about the apartment.”
“What about it?” he asked.
“Since I have a job minutes from there, I was wondering if you could keep it until September?”
“Of course,” he said. “I offered that when you came home.”
“You decided that you don't want to live here,” Jen said. “I hope we haven't done anything to make you uncomfortable.”
“You haven't done anything, Jen,” I said. “I appreciate everything you went through to give me a room. You're an awesome mom. Your boys are very lucky to have you. I'm so happy for you and my dad. It has nothing to do with you. I think it will be much easier if I'm right by my job. That way dad has his car and I don't have to drive every day.”
“I don't mind you using my car,” my dad chimed in.
“I know,” I said. “I can keep the apartment until September?”
“Yes,” he answered
in a sad tone. “I really wish you'd talk to me. I know this all goes back to the argument we had on the way home about you living in an apartment with guys. I should have handled that differently, and I'm sorry. I just don't think it's appropriate.”
“Stop,” I snapped. “I'm not talking about this right now. I didn't want to live with a guy. You jumped to that conclusion. All I want to know is can I stay in the apartment until then. At that time, I will either take over the rent or figure something out.”
I hadn't touched my food. My dad's eyes narrowed at me. I stood up and carried my plate to the kitchen before he could say anything. When I walked back into the room, I heard him clear his throat. I could feel his eyes shooting straight through me.
“Look,” I said. “I didn't get any sleep last night, and I am holding on by a thread. I just want to disappear right now. Could you please let it go? I am begging you.”
“I most certainly will not,” he snapped, as he pushed his chair back. “What did you mean by that about the apartment? You'll be at school in September. I don't care if it's in a dorm or an apartment. That's where you'll be.”
“You can't drop it, can you?” I asked, and he nodded. “I'm taking a year off. I'm not going back in September.”
I headed for the door, but my dad stood up and stepped in front of me. Are you fucking kidding me, I thought?
“I need you to move,” I said. “I need a few minutes to breathe.”
“Bullshit,” he said, as he held my arms. “I want to know what's going on with you.”
“No,” I said. “You don't. Please let me go outside. I feel like my world is closing in on me. If you don't get out of the way, you're going to get way more than you could ever imagine.”
“Are you pregnant?” he asked. “You're all emotional. Did that fucking asshole at school touch you?”
I could tell my dad was losing it. He was trying to get me to talk to him. It was the first time I wasn't confiding in him. He was my hero. He was the one I always went to when something was wrong. It was hurting him that I wasn't being honest with him. That didn't matter to me in that minute. I was so worked up. My emotions were on overload, and I was exhausted. He looked into my eyes like I was doing something wrong. How could he say that about Brad, I thought? He wasn't the asshole. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them, I could see it. My dad was looking at me like I was a bad person. What the fuck, I thought? It wasn't me. I guess it was, but I didn't do it on purpose. He definitely wasn't proud of me in that moment. I always worked so damn hard for him to be proud. I spent every moment thinking about everyone else and their feelings. Enough was enough, I thought. I was going to think about me. For one moment, it was going to be about me.
“Do not ever say that about him again,” I snapped, as I pulled my arms from his hands. “You want to know what's going on? Do you really want to know? Think about that for a moment. I'm not sure you know what you're asking. Do you want me to tell you what's going on in front of everyone?”
“I do,” he said. “I want to know what the hell has been going on with you. You've been a different person this week. I know we put a lot on you, but you're being unreasonable.”
That was it.
“You asked for it,” I said. “Remember that. Sit down.”
My dad sat back down, and I heard Brayden snicker.
“You,” I said, as I turned and pointed my finger directly at him. “Shut the fuck up.”
I saw Jen's eyes widen, as her hand went up to cover her mouth.
“Tara,” Brayden said.
I could tell his attitude toned down in that second.
“Shut it,” I yelled at him.
I turned back to my dad. He was sitting in front of me, and I could see the worry in his eyes. I stood in the same spot. There was no way I was sitting down.
“I'm going to say what I have to say, and nobody is going to say a word. Do you all hear me?”
I heard grunts coming from every direction.
“When I'm done, I'm going to take the keys and leave. I need some time to myself. Not one of you will get up from your chairs.”
I looked over at Jen.
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I didn't want to do this. I have been tortured all week so that your wedding wouldn't be ruined. I've tried my best to keep my mouth shut. I would have walked out that door, and everyone would have been fine. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay. My dad won't let it drop. I'm sorry for everything I am about to say.”
She nodded, as I turned back to my dad.
“I have spent my entire life trying to make you proud of me,” I began.
“I am proud of you,” he interrupted.
“I said not a word from anyone,” I snapped. “I've worked my ass off this year at school. All the other girls were at parties and getting drunk. I was in my dorm studying. It's been a very difficult year. This semester, my biology partner is the only reason I was able to keep my grades up. He studied with me constantly. When I wouldn't come out of my room, he made me get out of bed. He wouldn't let me give up. He didn't need to study. His ass never even had to open a damn book.”
I heard Jen take a huge breath and knew she had figured it out.
“He was there for me every step of the way. Over the course of the semester, I fell in love with him. We had sex. Your daughter isn't perfect. She touched a boy.”
I heard my dad breathe deep and watched his jaw tighten.
“I've done everything I can to make you proud. That is all that has ever mattered to me. I wanted you to see that all of your sacrifices were worth it. This week has been hell for me. It's honestly been the worst week of my entire life. I've kept it all inside so that I didn't ruin your happiness. I planned to walk out of this house this morning, leaving you all as one big happy family. You kept pushing. I asked you to stop, and you kept pushing me. Please know that what I'm going to tell you is about me. I want you and Jen to be happy together. You need to fight for the love you have. It's so damn hard to find. Don't screw it up like I did.”
“Tara,” Brad whispered, as he pushed back his chair.
“Quiet,” I said, as I moved away and motioned for him to sit. “I started out as friends with him, dad. We were friends, but it grew into more than that. I love that guy at school. I would do anything for him. I will never let you say anything bad about him again. He will own my heart until the day I die. I love him very much. Like I told you before, he's too good for me. He's so much better than me, and he deserves much better than I could ever give him. That doesn't change the fact that I am in love with him. I would never do anything to hurt him on purpose.”
I looked over to see tears streaming down Jen's face.
“He thought I was embarrassed of him. He thought I wasn't telling you about him because I was ashamed of him. He had it all wrong. I'm embarrassed for him. He shouldn't be with me. I don't deserve him. He wanted to tell you about us. I didn't want our relationship to ruin your wedding and happiness. That's why I didn't tell you.”
My dad looked at me with a questioning look. I was on a roll. None of them were going to stop me.
“It doesn't matter though. He doesn't love me, and I don't blame him. Something horrible happened, and I lost him. The man from school is Brad. He's the one I'm in love with, dad.”
My dad's eyes went from mine to Brad's.
“I didn't know he had a twin when I came here. I came out of my room the first night and was so excited when my love was standing right there in front of me.”
“Shit,” I heard Jen whisper.
“Tara,” Brayden snapped in warning. “Think about what you're doing.”
“Oh,” I said. “I have. I lost him because of you. I love him, and you took him from me. You are a sad excuse for a brother. I wish I could go back and have never come home.”
Tears were pouring down my face, and sobs were coming from deep in my chest. I could barely get any words out, but there was no way I was leaving without finishing what I started. That
fucker was going down for what he did.
“When I saw who I thought was Brad in the hall, I jumped into his arms and told him how glad I was to have him there. He let me call him Brad over and over and never said a word. I went to bed. When he came into my room, I was excited. I missed him and wanted to see him. He had sex with me. I called him Brad the whole time. The next day at dinner, I still had no idea. When the front door opened and I heard him speak, I realized what had happened. Brayden was the one in my room. He let me think he was Brad the entire time. He tortured me the entire week. I had no plans to lie to Brad. I planned on telling him today. I wanted to wait until the two of you were married. Brayden left me notes during the week. Last night he left me one to meet him outside.”
“Stop,” Brayden yelled, as he pushed his chair back and stood. “That's enough.”
“Oh no,” I said. “You destroyed my life just so you could get even over some girl from high school. Brad was the only man I had sex with. I gave him my virginity. I hope everything you have done is worth it. I love your brother with every single bit of myself. You were man enough to do that to me last night, but you aren't man enough for everyone to know. I don't think so. When I met him outside last night, he made me an offer. He told me if I blew him, he wouldn't tell Brad and would leave me alone.”
I went on to tell them exactly how he wanted me waiting and what happened after he walked away. My father looked like his head was going to explode off of his body. I could see the vain on his forehead throbbing and his hands clenching the table. Jen was in a pile of tears. I felt bad. The two people I didn't want to hurt were the ones that were hurting. Billy stood up from his chair and launched himself across the table. He had Brayden pinned to the wall before Brad followed and pulled him off.
I watched the dining room turn into complete chaos before turning and walking out. My dad's keys were right where I had left them. I grabbed them on my way out the door. When I got in the car, I wasn't sure what to do. There was only one place I wanted to be and headed straight for the cemetery.
My phone buzzed over and over in my pocket while I drove. When I got there, I sat down next to my mom's grave and leaned back across the grass. I took my phone out to find text messages from my dad and Brad.