by Cindy Wilder
"It's not that easy," he said a little more stern and loud.
"Why not?" I asked. "Talk to me."
"It's just not," he snapped.
"You have no idea what I've been through since you left. That first month I didn't hear from you, I cried every single day. When I got that email, it was the best present in the world. Then I didn't hear from you for another month. I've been a mess. I've loved you since I was sixteen, Kyle. It's not that easy to just walk away from you. I'm giving you that chance. I will never talk to you again. I won't message or email you. I'm offering to turn around and leave your life forever. It's what you want. All you have to do is get your lazy ass out that bed and walk."
He didn't deny wanting me to leave, and he didn't say a word. I couldn't help the anger flowing through my body.
"Just do it," I yelled. "You're not giving up. I won't let you."
"I can't," he yelled back.
His emotions were coming to the surface. He wasn't looking sad anymore. There was more. He was angry as well. I had no idea what he had been through, but I wouldn't let him stop living.
"Get up now," I yelled, as I reached over and yanked the blanket from his body.
My heart stopped when I saw him, and I froze. One of his legs was gone at the knee. I wanted to break down and wrap my arms around his neck. What the hell had he gone through alone, I wondered? None of us were there for him. I felt horrible. I knew one thing for sure, I couldn't let him see it. If I did, he'd just slip deeper into the depression he was letting take him over. I wasn't letting that happen. I had to snap out of it.
"And," I yelled back.
"What do you mean and?" he asked slightly quieter.
"Haven't they given you a leg? Do you have one?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, as he looked down at his leg.
"Then what the fuck is your problem? Put it on and get your sorry ass out of bed."
He looked up. I couldn't tell if he was mad at me. There was something going on in his head.
"I'll help you get me out of your life," I said. "What do we need to do?"
His eyes narrowed, but he didn't take them from my face.
"I can't believe you," he said.
"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" I asked. "No, sir. Can you do anything to change it? No. Can you grow a new one? No. You have two choices here, Kyle. You can let it take over your life and stay in bed forever, or you can dust yourself off and move on. You're alive. This is just a bump in the road. You have people that care about you and need you. You need to appreciate that you have your other leg. I know you've seen a lot and been through hell. We need you to knock this shit off and get up. Get over yourself. I won't feel sorry for you."
"Why are you still here?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped, as I stepped closer to him.
Out of nowhere, he burst into laughter. I was completely confused. He went from sad and depressed to laughing. I had no idea what kind of drugs they had him on. He shook his head and looked at me.
"Why didn't you run out of here?" he asked. "You didn't make a face or say anything. I don't get it. I told you to live your life. Your dad said there was someone in your life. I've been mean as hell since you got here. Why haven't you left? I'm not the same man that left a year ago, Carrie. I don't understand why you would even want me anymore. I'm broken in more ways than one."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. Was he mean because he didn't want me here or because he thought it was better that way? Did he think I would turn away from him, I wondered? I sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at him.
"Because you lost your leg?" I asked. "You're still the same man, Kyle. You've been through a lot. I'm sure a huge part of that has come home with you. That's who you are. Nothing is going to change that. I don't love you any less and neither will she, if she really loves you. Now, if you want me out of your life, strap that shit on and get moving. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about how sucky you feel."
He burst into laughter again. The nurse came around the corner into the room.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
He shook his head and smiled. When she turned to leave, she leaned into my ear.
"Please don't leave," she said. "You're the first person to get even a smile out of his grouchy ass."
Then she left us alone.
"Would you really want me like this?" he asked. "I've got a lot of shit to deal with. Not just the leg. It was much different than I thought it would be. I saw some things I can't get out of my head. I watched things happen, and I couldn't stop them. I lost some of my closest friends there. You're so young, Carrie. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don't want to stand in the way of your dreams."
I took his hands in mine, and he didn't pull away. That familiar warmth I missed so much shot through my body.
"You are my dreams, Kyle. I love you. I will continue to love you until I take my last breath. You don't understand. Nothing could change the way I feel about you. You're alive. That is all that matters to me. The rest we can deal with. I would never not want you because of what you went through. You fought to keep us all safe. I can't believe you would think I would walk away from you. Even if I can't have you, I will still be there every step of the way. She can kiss my ass. I'm not going anywhere."
"I love you," he said, as he squeezed my hands in his.
"What?" I asked.
"There's nobody else," he said. "I haven't been with anyone since the last time I saw you. You're it for me, baby. I love you. Are you sure you want me like this? I won't be mad if you walk away."
"Not if you're going to act like you did when I got here."
"You are such a brat," he said, as he pulled me into his arms.
I hugged him so tight. The thought of letting him go broke my heart, but I needed to do some things before I let myself believe we could be together.
"I have a surprise," I said. "Walk and I'll give it to you."
"We can't do that here," he said with a wink. "Maybe we can. It's been a damn year."
"Shut up," I laughed. "That's not it. I brought Rosie with me. Now get moving."
The nurse came in and helped him get the leg on. We helped him stand. He was able to take a couple of steps with us. She seemed happy with that and told him to rest. We got him back into bed. I laughed when she hugged him and told him how proud she was.
"I haven't even tried until just now. I have a lot to get through. Will you take me as I am?" he asked.
"I have two conditions," I said. "Would you have wanted me if this hadn't happened to you?"
He pulled me to stand in front of him, grabbed the back of my head, and pulled me closer. Our lips were inches apart and I felt mine tremble as his breath crossed them.
"I've wanted you since the day I met you and you got all pissy with me," he said. "I loved you the entire time I was gone. You were what got me through. All I had to do was think about getting back home to you, and I was ready to go. I never liked anyone else. I just didn't want to ruin your life."
He brought our lips together, and I felt fireworks shoot from my body. It was perfect and loving. I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth and thrust my tongue between his lips. There was no way I could wait to taste him. Our tongues danced together, and I moaned into his mouth. When I pulled away, I heard him growl. Damn I had missed that sound.
"Your other condition, princess," he said.
"I have something to tell you. This is hard for me. I've thought about how to tell you for a long time," I said, as I squeezed my eyes closed and held my head in my hand.
"You can tell me anything, baby," he said.
"I do have someone in my life. If you're willing to accept them, then I will be with you for the rest of my life."
I heard him take a deep breath.
"I'm not sharing you with another man. There is no way I could ever let someone else put there hands or anything else on you. You have moved on. Your dad was right."
His to
ne began to slip back to when I had first walked in.
"It's not at all what you think, Kyle. I love you. There will never be another man in my life like that. I'll be back in one hour."
I leaned in and kissed him before walking to the door.
"You are going to let me back in?" I asked.
"Yes," he said with a laugh.
Excitement and fear ran through my veins at the same time as I drove to the hotel. I called Rosie on the way to have her get the baby ready. I wasn't sure he would still want me when he found out I had kept the pregnancy from him. Hopefully he would understand my reasoning behind it, I thought. I wasn't sure how he was going to take the idea of being a dad. That had never come up in any discussions in the past. With everything that had happened while he was gone and everything he was going to have to deal with, I wasn't sure he would be able to handle a surprise that large. At the same time, I couldn't see him not being with his child. He was going to have to recover and learn how to do things without a leg as well as learn how to walk with the new leg. I would be there with him through it all.
When I got to the hotel to pick up Rosie and the baby, she had a nervous look on her face.
"What?" I asked.
"Your dad's on his way," she said. "You have a couple hours to figure out how you're going to handle that one."
"Shit," I snapped.
I wouldn't care as long as Kyle knew first. That was most of the reason I had kept it all from my father. It was Kyle who needed to know. I knew my dad would have feelings about my relationship with Kyle, but I didn't care. All I cared about was having a family with Kyle and our baby. My dad would have to support that. It was his choice. Either way would be fine. I would have my son and his father together. That would be the only thing to count.
I packed a bag for the baby and put him into the car. Rosie got in and looked over at me.
"Are you ready for this?" she asked.
"I am," I said, as I began to drive back to the hospital. "You need to be prepared to see him. He's having a hard time. You can't pity him or show sympathy. He needs us to be strong. He lost one of his legs, Rosie."
She gasped beside me.
"He's going to be fine. We just need to support him. I told him I had someone in my life. He has no idea what I meant."
"Did you bring the journal to show him?" she asked.
"In the baby bag," I said.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. I bought flowers and a balloon in the gift shop. When we got up to the floor Kyle was on, the nurses went crazy over the baby. He was asleep, so they didn't bug him too much. The nurse that was there just as I was leaving earlier walked over to me.
"He's waiting nervously for you," she said. "We have never seen him smile or talk as much as he has since you left."
"Don't get too excited," I told her. "I'm about to drop something huge on him. He may throw me out of here."
She laughed and looked down at the baby.
"I doubt it," she said. "Good luck."
We all walked toward his room. I opened the door and looked in.
"You okay?" I asked.
He laughed and shook his head.
"You really are trouble," he said.
I moved aside so he could see Rosie right behind me with her arms full of flowers. His eyes lit up like a child at Christmas.
"Rosie," he said.
She had tears streaming down her face, as she set the stuff down and was in his arms in seconds. Just when she pulled back from his hug, the baby made a noise in his sleep.
"Come in, Carrie," he said. "I need to see you."
I pushed the door open wide and pushed the stroller into the room. Kyle's eyes widened, but he didn't move. I stepped a little closer trying to judge his reaction.
"You have a baby," he said. "I've only been gone a year. How old is he? What's his name?"
I could see the hurt in his eyes. He thought I was with someone else. I don't think the thought even entered his mind that the baby could be his. He looked devastated.
"He's almost three months," I said.
He let out a long breath.
"Are you serious, Carrie? I just don't," he said, as he shook his head. "What's his name?"
How could he not realize the baby was his, I wondered? Did he seriously think I slept with someone as soon as his plane flew away?
"His name's Kyle," I said, as I watched his face.
"Kyle," he said.
I heard him gasp as it all sunk in.
"You're the only man I've ever been with," I said.
We all stood silent for a few moments. The baby opened his eyes and looked up at Kyle. I looked back and forth between them, as Kyle's eyes began to tear up.
"Bring me my son," he said. "I can't believe I have a son."
I carried the baby to him and put him in his arms. The baby looked into Kyle's eyes and my heart melted. I gave the two of them a little time before I said anything.
"There are a few things you need to know," I said.
"How did you do this alone? I can't believe I wasn't there for you. I worried about you every single day. How did I not know?"
"I wasn't alone," I said. "I had Rosie. She was with me when I had him and stayed for a few days after."
"What about your dad?" he asked.
"We'll get to him in a minute. I found out I was pregnant right before I started my new job. I knew you were stressed and didn't want you to worry about me or the baby. You needed to keep your mind on your work. I also wasn't sure how to tell you through email. I had no idea if you were with someone or not. I didn't want to cause you any problems while you were gone. I planned to tell you as soon as you were back. I hope you can forgive me. It was very hard to email and not tell you. I took pictures every week of my belly. I kept a journal the entire time. I even kept ultrasound pictures for you. I wasn't sure if you would ever want to know any of that or even be involved. I'm so sorry for keeping it from you."
"It upsets me that I didn't know. I know I couldn't have been here, but I would've like to have been able to ask about everything and make sure everything was okay."
"I know," I said. "I didn't want your mind to be somewhere you weren't."
"I knew you looked different. I can't believe you had a baby, our baby. I can't believe this little guy is my son. You named him Kyle."
"I did," I said. "I hoped you wouldn't be mad. His name was Kyle from the moment I found out I was having a boy. He has my last name."
Kyle looked up at me and narrowed his eyes.
"What?" he asked.
"Hold on," I said. "I didn't know for sure how you were going to feel when you got back. What if you were with someone? I had no idea if you would want to be part of his life or not. I also couldn't just give him your last name without your permission. I haven't heard from you but once since his birth."
"I can't believe you would think for a second I wouldn't want to be part of his life. Even if we weren't together, I would always want to know my child. Oh, shit! How did your dad take the news? He hasn't said a word to me about it."
"Well," I said.
"Carrie," he said sternly.
"He doesn't know," I said. "Rosie just told me that he's on the way here."
"Hold on," he said. "What do you mean he doesn't know? How could he not know? You visited them and talked to them often."
I let out a huff.
"I didn't plan on doing all of this in the same day. I wanted you to be the first to know. My dad has no idea that we were together at all. Rosie was the only one I told. I went home for the holiday but haven't been back since. I used work and school as an excuse. He should be here in about an hour or so. I can leave and go back to the hotel with Kyle."
"Absolutely not," he said. "My son's not leaving here yet. I don't care who's coming. You're not taking him away from me."
"I would never take him away," I said.
"You know what I mean. He doesn't know he's a grandpa?"
I shook my head no.<
br />
"Maybe he'll be too in love with the baby to get upset," he said. "I guess I'm in the right place if he gets mad."
"I don't care what he thinks, Kyle," I said. "The only thing that matters is being with you. He can take us or leave us. You are what matters."
The baby snuggled into his chest and fell back to sleep. He couldn't take his eyes off of his son.
"They are going to start my therapy tomorrow. If I improve fast enough, they are going to let me go to a therapy facility."
"You need to bust your ass then. Can't you go home and do therapy from there?" I asked.
"I need to be close to here," he said. "It'll be okay."
"We can get a place close to here then," I said.
"You need to think about what you're saying, Carrie," he said. "I come with baggage. I barely sleep, and when I do, I have nightmares. There is a lot of messed up stuff in my head right now. I will need a lot of help for a long time. I'll be learning how to do things and."
"Stop," I snapped. "Are you saying you don't want to be with me?"
"I very much want to be with you. It's not that at all. I know you want to own your own business. I also know you don't want to ever count on anyone, and you never want anyone to count on you."
"I said that a long time ago, Kyle," I snapped. "I was just upset that you left me. I don't care about a business or who counts on who. I love you and our little man. There is no way I want to be away from you. I already told you, you're it for me. I don't care how much shit you bring along with you. We will get through it all together. I'll be with you through the nightmares and push you to keep moving forward. Everyone I love is in this room with me, except for my dad. I would even keep Rosie with us if I could."
She had been standing silent until then. I knew it would make her laugh.
"You sure you want me like this?" he asked.
"I wouldn't have you any other way."
I leaned in and kissed him softly. He moved for me to sit with him and the baby. Rosie sat down in the chair next to the bed.
"Are you serious about getting a place here?" Rosie asked.
"If Kyle needs to be here," I answered. "I won't be without him ever again."