by Susan Lewis
‘My husband’s doing it. It’s not easy for him to take time off.’
Alex couldn’t help wondering if they were working together to make sure the appointment never happened. ‘I can always take you myself and the health visitor can stay here with Ottilie ... Mrs Wade, don’t walk away.’
Erica didn’t stop.
‘You can’t keep doing this,’ Alex cried in frustration. ‘Don’t you realise what the consequences could be if you don’t cooperate?’
At the sound of a door closing Alex almost banged a fist on the banister, and might have if Ottilie hadn’t been watching her. She felt sorely tempted to go up there and shake the woman, but even if she did, what then? There was clearly no reasoning with her, or not in the normal sense, so once again resigning herself to trying to get hold of Brian Wade by phone, she took Ottilie out to the car and buckled her into the child’s seat which was constantly there now.
Dropping a kiss lightly on her head, she got into the front and decided the call to Brian Wade would have to wait until she was at the Pumpkin, since she didn’t want to get into any sort of scene with Ottilie in the car.
As usual Chloe was waiting when they arrived, ready to share the sweets she’d brought from home, and looked surprised, then delighted when Ottilie gave her an apple. While they toddled off across the room in search of Lego, or playdough, or whatever they’d decided on today, Alex looked down at Boots who Ottilie had left in her safe keeping, and felt ridiculously honoured to be invested with so much trust.
Tucking the bear under one arm, she took out her mobile and gave Janet a wave as she went to the back of the room to make the call to Brian Wade.
‘I’m afraid he’s not here this morning,’ she was told. ‘Can I take a message?’
‘Do you happen to know where he is? It’s about his daughter.’
‘I believe he has a doctor’s appointment. If it’s urgent I can try to find out which surgery ...’
‘It’s OK, I know which surgery he’s with, and it can wait until later.’
Wondering what Brian Wade might need to see a doctor for, she rang off and went to offer Janet some help, since for once she had no urgent calls to rush off to. Unsurprisingly her offer was leapt on, and the next two hours passed so swiftly and enjoyably that it made her wonder, as she and Ottilie were leaving, if this might be a job for her in the future, if, God forbid, she ended up losing the one she had.
‘OK, so what would you like to do now?’ she asked as she zipped up Ottilie’s pink anorak and dutifully returned Boots to her waiting arms. ‘Where’s your backpack?’
Ottilie gasped and clapped a hand to her mouth, and Alex had a struggle not to laugh, since it was exactly what Chloe would have done if she’d forgotten her bag.
Racing back into the playroom Ottilie returned in seconds, the bag over one arm and Boots still safely snuggled under the other.
‘It’s pouring with rain out there,’ Alex told her, ‘so I don’t think the carousel will be working, but if you like, we could go to the pool and watch the swimmers. Or what about the aquarium? I think you’d like that, do you?’
Ottilie nodded, though she probably had no idea what an aquarium was. ‘And the café?’ she asked shyly.
Thrilled, Alex said, ‘Of course the café.’ Then, remembering, she rolled her eyes playfully. ‘You want to eat another brownie all to yourself, don’t you?’
Ottilie’s solemn face broke into a smile.
‘You little piggy, you,’ Alex teased, giving her a tickle.
Ottilie started to laugh and wriggle, and in a surge of exuberance Alex swept her up in her arms to blow a giant raspberry kiss on her cheek.
Ottilie’s smile fled.
‘Oh dear, what is it?’ Alex cried worriedly. ‘Did I scare you?’
Ottilie only looked at her.
‘I was just playing, but if you didn’t like it, I won’t do it again.’
Ottilie said nothing, and it was impossible to tell what she might be thinking. It wasn’t until their visit to the aquarium was over and Alex was carrying a tray of drinks and brownies to the table in the café that she spotted Ottilie blowing on Boots’s cheek. Realising what she was doing, her heart folded with pity – if she was reading this correctly then Ottilie might never have had a raspberry kiss before, so Alex hadn’t scared her, she’d simply startled and confused her.
‘I almost forgot,’ she said, putting the brownie and a beaker of milk in front of Ottilie, ‘a very kind lady gave me some biscuits for you earlier, so I’ll pop them in your bag for you and Boots to share later, OK?’
Ottilie turned to look up at her, then taking a breath she burst into a sunny smile.
Laughing as she put an arm around her, Alex said, ‘You are utterly adorable, I hope you know that.’
Nodding, Ottilie reached for her milk with both hands and carefully brought it to her mouth. Then after touching the beaker to Boots’s face, she put it down and picked up the brownie.
After she’d taken a couple of bites Alex said, ‘Aren’t you going to share it with Boots?’
Ottilie’s cheek was bulging as she looked up at her and shook her head. ‘Biscuits,’ she said, blowing out a little storm of crumbs.
‘I see, he has the biscuits for later? That’s OK then, and we have to learn not to speak with our mouths full, don’t we?’
Ottilie’s eyes and mouth turned into three small circles.
‘Finish what you’re eating before you speak,’ Alex explained, ‘and then you can say anything you like.’
Apparently understanding, Ottilie waited until she’d swallowed her mouthful and said, ‘Boots can have the biscuits.’
‘That’s lovely,’ Alex praised, hugely impressed by the amount of words all in one go. ‘I suppose he’s not hungry now?’
Ottilie shook her head.
‘What time does he normally have his tea?’
‘Same as me.’
‘And do you know what time that is? Can you tell the time?’
She looked up at the clock on the wall. ‘Big hand and small hand,’ she announced earnestly.
Realising she was perhaps a bit young to do any better than that, Alex said, ‘That’s very good indeed. Do you help Mummy to make the tea?’
Ottilie picked up her brownie and took another bite.
Waiting until she’d finished, Alex said, ‘What sorts of things do you do in the evenings with Mummy and Daddy?’
At that Ottilie put her biscuit down and began shaking her head. She kept on shaking it until Alex tilted up her chin to make her stop. ‘It’s all right, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if it’s anything that hurts you, or makes you upset ...’
‘Drink now.’ Ottilie reached for the milk.
Picking it up for her, Alex said, ‘You will tell me if anything bad happens to you, won’t you?’
‘Not bad,’ Ottilie said. ‘I’m a good girl.’
‘Yes you are, a very good girl and we don’t want anyone to hurt you, do we?’
Ottilie was staring at her milk.
‘Does anyone hurt you, Ottilie?’ Alex asked carefully.
Bringing the beaker to her mouth Ottilie drank, spilling some down her chin.
Wiping it away, Alex let her put the milk down herself, and repeated her question.
Ottilie clearly didn’t want to answer as she picked up Boots and cuddled him to her face.
Knowing she couldn’t let this go, Alex said, ‘Do Mummy or Daddy ever hurt you, Ottilie?’
Ottilie shook her head and rested it against Alex’s arm.
‘Do you play games with them?’
Ottilie nodded.
‘What sorts of games?’
No answer.
‘Ottilie?’
‘Sleepy,’ she mumbled. ‘We play sleepy and watch lots of children.’
Confused, Alex asked, ‘Do you mean on the TV?’
Ottilie nodded.
Alex was about to ask which programmes when she happened to loo
k out of the window, and the words dried on her lips. Gina, Jason’s wife, was across the road, standing next to a car with a man. They were so engrossed in whatever they were saying that neither of them seemed to notice the rain, though it was much lighter now, might even have stopped.
Alex tried to tear her eyes away, but couldn’t. Was Gina seeing someone else already?
She was getting ahead of herself here; she had no idea who the man was, and creating an affair where there probably wasn’t one was really grasping at straws.
Feeling Ottilie slump against her, fast asleep, she lifted her on to her lap and after cuddling her in cosily she looked up again and was in time to see Gina and the man parting from an embrace. Of course it might simply have been a friendly one, but there again it might not. Then they were laughing and greeting someone else whose flaming red hair Alex recognised immediately. It was Heather Hancock – and as the three of them crossed the road, coming towards the café, Alex was suddenly desperate to find a way to disappear.
To her relief, they walked past the window without even glancing in and then they were gone.
For several minutes she sat holding Ottilie, grateful for the bulk of her in her arms, or the emptiness she was feeling might have been swallowing her into a pit of despair. It was pointless, she knew, being jealous of Gina, it was hardly going to make Jason come back, or suddenly conjure her a best friend – or indeed a lover – but it was how she was feeling and she was finding it hard to suppress it. How had she managed to come to this point in her life and be so alone? Besides Jason and the children, Gina had a mother and a father, a brother and a sister, cousins, aunts, uncles – her life was full of people who loved her. It wasn’t that she, Alex, had no one, she must keep reminding herself of that, because she knew that Gabby and Aunt Sheila cared for her in their ways, and so did many of her friends in the village. She just didn’t have anyone to call her own.
Realising her old stalker, self-pity, was back, she tightened her hold on Ottilie and buried her face in her hair. If she wanted to feel sorry for herself there would be plenty of time for it later; now she had to get Ottilie home, and remember to call Brian Wade again – and Tommy to find out if he was staying late at the office.
By the time they returned to the house Ottilie had woken up, but when Alex went to lift her out of her seat she drew back.
‘Stay with you?’ she said, looking pleadingly into Alex’s eyes.
Feeling her heart fill up, Alex wanted, more than anything, to tell her she could, but putting a hand to her flushed cheek she said, ‘It’s not possible, sweetheart. You have to go inside with Mummy. She’ll be waiting for you.’
Ottilie shook her head.
‘Yes, she will, and you’ll be able to tell her all about the games you played with Chloe, and the fishes we saw at the aquarium. Can you remember what they were?’
Again Ottilie shook her head, and Alex realised how difficult she was finding it to imagine Erica Wade showing an interest in Ottilie’s day. She had to do something about it, she really did, but the question was what, when she still had no evidence to satisfy a court that Ottilie should be removed from the home. And until Erica Wade had undergone a psychiatric assessment Alex wasn’t even in a position to claim that the woman was mentally unfit to have a child in her care, even though, in her opinion, it seemed blindingly obvious.
‘You’ve been such a good girl today,’ she said to Ottilie, gently smoothing her hair, ‘so I’ll tell you what. On Monday, as a very special treat after nursery, if it’s not raining like it’s been today, I’ll take you to the zoo. How does that sound? It’ll be lovely, won’t it, to see all the animals? We’ll probably even be able to feed the monkeys. Would you like that?’
Ottilie nodded warily.
Smiling, Alex unfastened the seat belt. Since most of her other charges were of school age she couldn’t see them until much later in the day anyway, and her paperwork could always be done at home. ‘Come along then,’ she said, lifting her out. ‘Let’s get you inside now, and over the weekend perhaps you can draw me pictures of as many animals as you can think of. Will you do that for me?’
Ottilie nodded. ‘Lions and bears,’ she replied.
‘Nice friendly ones, yes?’
‘Yes.’
‘And snakes and pandas and tortoises. They’ve got all sorts of animals at Dean Valley zoo. They’ve even got a baby elephant. I expect you’d like to see him, wouldn’t you?’
‘Yes, and Boots?’
‘Of course Boots can come too. We’d never go anywhere without him, would we?’
Ottilie was shaking her head as Alex pushed open the front door and set her down in the hall. ‘We’re back,’ she called out.
Erica Wade appeared from the kitchen still dressed in black, but her hair was clipped neatly behind her head now, and her eyes seemed calmer, even if they were ringed in dark shadows.
‘She’s had a nap,’ Alex told her, ‘and a snack. We went to the aquarium, which she’ll tell you about.’
‘Thank you,’ Erica responded. ‘Run upstairs and take off your coat,’ she said to Ottilie. ‘And go to the bathroom if you need to.’
No warm embrace to welcome her home, no physical or emotional contact at all. Was it any wonder Ottilie wanted to stay with someone who showed her affection? If it were allowed Alex knew she’d take her home right now and keep her for the whole weekend, but alas it wasn’t.
‘Has your husband managed to make another appointment with the psychiatrist yet?’ she asked bluntly.
‘I don’t know. He hasn’t rung.’
And I wonder, would you answer the phone if he did? ‘I’m going to try reaching him when I get back to the car,’ Alex said. ‘If I don’t manage it perhaps you could ask him to call me. I’ll have my phone on over the weekend.’
‘I’ll tell him.’
‘The same goes for you,’ Alex told her. ‘If you need me for any reason, please feel free to call.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I’m here to help you,’ Alex reminded her. ‘I know it might not seem like that sometimes, but it’s the truth, and I’m a good listener if you ever feel the need to open up to someone.’
Erica’s expression was unreadable, but Alex could tell she was listening. ‘Thank you,’ she said in the end. ‘I’ll have Ottilie ready at the same time on Monday.’
Not bothering to remind her, yet again, that she should be doing the nursery run herself, Alex simply said, ‘OK. And do ask her about the fishes. She was fascinated by them.’
When Erica didn’t respond Alex glanced up the stairs, and spotting Ottilie peering between the banister rails she gave her a wave.
Ottilie’s little fist clenched and unclenched a couple of times and Alex had to fight back the urge to go up and get her. What was her weekend going to be like in this morbid house? Lonely, isolated, shut up in her room for most of the time with no other children to play with? If only she could take her to Gabby’s to meet the twins, or shopping in Kesterly, or for more rides on the carousel. There were a hundred things they could do together, but none of them could happen without her parents’ permission and besides, it wouldn’t be good for either of them to become even more attached than they already were. ‘See you Monday,’ she said with a smile, and forcing herself to turn away she cast Erica a despairing look, and left.
Erica was watching her own hand as it drew a small package from Ottilie’s bag, except it wasn’t her hand. To her it seemed vast and rough, with black hairs on the skin and wounded, crooked joints at the knuckles.
It was her stepfather’s hand, growing out of her wrist.
She tried to shake it off, but it wouldn’t go.
Panicking, she grabbed a knife, ready to chop it off, but before she struck it transformed into her hand again.
Sweat was beading on her face; her breath was ragged and short. She couldn’t think where she was. Nothing seemed familiar. She looked around, her eyes glittering with confusion, her heart thudding hard in her ch
est. Then she saw the silver-foil package she’d dropped on the floor and everything slipped into focus again.
‘Ottilie! Ottilie, come here, now,’ she shouted, almost screamed.
Ottilie came down the stairs as fast as she could, and ran into the kitchen.
‘What’s this?’ Erica cried, her face twitching, spittle foaming at the corners of her mouth. ‘Where did you get it? You stole it, didn’t you?’
Ottilie’s eyes were wide with fear as she shook her head.
‘Yes you did, you stole it, you wicked child.’
‘No, no, Lex gave them ...’
‘Don’t lie. I hate liars.’
Ottilie was starting to shake.
Erica pushed the package in her face.
‘What’s going on?’ Brian demanded, coming in the door. ‘What are you shouting about?’
‘She’s a thief,’ Erica shrieked at him. ‘I found this in her bag – well that’s what we’ll do with it,’ she snarled, and opening the bin she dumped the package inside.
Without asking what had been in it, Brian looked at Ottilie so sternly that she cowered away. ‘Did you steal something?’ he asked gravely.
Ottilie shook her head. ‘No, Lex gave me them.’
‘Are you lying?’
‘No,’ she sobbed.
He sighed in a despairing way. ‘Oh dear, Ottilie,’ he said, ‘you know what happens to little girls who lie and steal, don’t you?’
‘No, didn’t lie or steal.’
‘And little girls who answer back.’
Ottilie immediately hung her head.
‘They have to be spanked, don’t they?’ he said, making it sound like an awful chore. ‘So come along with me.’
As he took her by the hand, Erica stood watching them, her eyes glittering with a wild malice. ‘You’re going to get what you deserve,’ she shouted, as he led Ottilie outside. You’re going to get what you deserve ... get what you deserve ... get what you deserve. The words were like zombies rising from graves. You’re going to get what you deserve because you’re a lying, thieving little bitch.
It was almost seven o’clock in the evening and being in no hurry to go into the empty Vicarage, Alex was still outside in the car, checking the texts she’d heard pinging into both her mobiles while driving home. For someone who felt as though she had no one in the world, she seemed to be getting a lot of messages, she was thinking wryly as she opened the first. Seeing it was confirmation of the appointment she’d made for the following day to view a room in a shared house, about a mile from the seafront, she felt the black hole of her future yawning even wider. Not since she’d been a student had she lived like that, but she had to be realistic, it was probably all she could afford, and the ad had described the other residents as young professionals so maybe it would help to broaden her horizons.