by Susan Lewis
‘You know how good she is,’ Alex replied, glancing over her shoulder. ‘She does everything you tell her, so if I say she mustn’t make a sound when someone else is in the house, she doesn’t. The worst is when I have to go out, but again, she just stays here quietly and waits for me to come back.’
Horrified, and knowing she needed to act, but not in what way, Anna said, ‘And no one’s searched the place?’
‘They’ve had no reason to, I’m not under suspicion, at least not of ... being involved in ...’
Alex let the sentence hang, and not wanting to provide the missing words Anna followed her to the main bedroom where the lights were on and the curtains firmly pulled.
‘Ottilie, sweetie,’ Alex said softly, ‘she’s here.’
As Anna watched Ottilie look up from the painting she was doing on a sheet on the floor, she felt such a strange light-headedness come over her that she might even have swayed.
‘N-Anna,’ Ottilie declared, her solemn face breaking into a smile.
Alex looked guiltily at her mother, afraid she might think she’d put Ottilie up to the name, but she hadn’t. It had simply come out that way.
‘Hello my darling,’ Anna said tenderly as she went to lift Ottilie into her arms. Kissing her velvety cheek, she inhaled her deeply sweet scent of baby talc and play paints. She’d missed this little girl a lot more than she’d expected to over the past week, the feel of her pliant little body in her arms, the sound of her sudden bursts of laughter, the knowledge that she and Alex were bringing some much-needed love into her life ... ‘You don’t know how happy I am to see you,’ she murmured into Ottilie’s hair, ‘at least I think I am ... Yes, of course I am, but heaven knows what we’re going to do.’ She turned to Alex, wishing she knew what to say, but was still unable to find her way past the shock.
‘I’ll make some tea,’ Alex said. ‘You must be tired after the journey, so why don’t you sit here with Ottilie?’ She had no idea how normal words were coming out of her mouth, when her life was so far from normal now it might have slipped anchor and drifted away to a place that wasn’t even on the map.
‘Boots,’ Ottilie said, stretching out an arm to pluck him from the bed.
‘Oh, he’s here too, is he?’ Anna laughed, picking him up. ‘I suppose that can only be a good thing.’
She turned back to Alex, who gave an uneasy smile. ‘I grabbed a few things before we left,’ she admitted. ‘It was a bit random, but we’re managing.’ Her eyes moved to Ottilie. ‘I’ll tell you everything,’ she promised her mother, ‘but not until she’s asleep.’
Setting Ottilie back on the floor, Anna took off her coat and dropped to her knees. ‘So let’s have a look at your painting, shall we?’ she said, feeling a flood of tenderness in her heart as Ottilie mimicked her actions.
Leaving the door ajar Alex went downstairs to make the tea, thankful that her mother had stayed with Ottilie rather than come down with her. It wasn’t that she was trying to avoid explaining her actions, it was simply that she didn’t want Ottilie to be alone for a single moment longer than she had to be. She was even sleeping in the same room as her now, using the mattress she’d dragged in from Gabby’s old bed. It made both her and Ottilie laugh with delight each time she bounced Ottilie into the centre of Douglas and Myra’s giant bed with its antique brass frame and creaky springs. Ottilie seemed to love being snuggled up under the duvet with Boots on the pillow and Alex lying next to her reading a story, or encouraging her to read it too, or singing a song. Over the last couple of days Ottilie had started to sing along with her, making Alex’s heart swell with pride as her musical little voice tripped out the words to ‘I’m a Little Teapot Short and Stout’, or ‘Humpty Dumpty Sat on the Wall’, or ‘This Little Piggy Went to Market’. It was amazing how quickly she seemed to pick up the words, even with Douglas’s classical pieces playing in the background.
She loved to take a bath too, sailing little boats that Alex had found in the attic or trying to blow bubbles from the circle of her forefinger and thumb. She giggled uncontrollably when Alex wrapped her in a towel and tickled her to bits. The constant music made their voices inaudible, and the phone was close by in case the police needed to be in touch.
Alex couldn’t deal with her conscience, because she didn’t even know what it was doing. She could only focus on making Ottilie as happy as she could for as long as she could, while doing her best to coax her away from the terrible habits she’d learned from her father. They came up in ways that were as shocking as they were tragic, but Alex was careful not to make a big deal out of them. She simply explained, very gently, that it wasn’t necessary for her to do those things any more to prove that she was a good girl.
‘I know you’re a good girl,’ she would whisper as she smoothed her hair, ‘because you’re the best and bravest and most beautiful little girl in the world.’
‘And Boots,’ Ottilie would whisper back.
‘Yes, he’s a good girl too,’ Alex would reply, and after a moment Ottilie would laugh.
‘Not a girl,’ she would say.
Alex knew that nothing had ever touched her as deeply as Ottilie’s laugh, unless it was her trust, or sudden bursts of affection. She seemed so content here, so willing to accept this new way of life, bizarre and confined though it was, but why shouldn’t she, after all she’d been through? She never mentioned her parents so Alex didn’t either, though she knew a time would come when she’d have to. For now, she wanted nothing more than to let Ottilie be at peace and feel safe, and as they played together, or chatted, or drew, or sang, Alex felt such a depth to their connection that she couldn’t imagine it being any stronger if Ottilie was actually hers. And one glance from those winsome dark eyes with their flecks of anxiety and shadows of memory was enough to bring out every protective instinct she’d ever possessed.
Yet she had to give her up, and she knew it. There was absolutely no way she could keep her, but God only knew how she’d be able to make herself let go.
‘I’ve tried explaining things to her,’ she told her mother later. ‘I’ve said that she’ll have to go to another home soon with other people who’ll take good care of her, but she gets so upset. “Stay here, stay with you,” she says, and I just don’t have it in me to make her go. I mean, I know I have to, but then I think of how frightened and lost she’ll feel when I walk away, not understanding why I’ve left her ...’
Looking every bit as torn, Anna said, ‘Perhaps we should come to that later. For now, I need you to tell me what actually happened. How she comes to be here at all.’
Pushing her hands through her hair, Alex took a ragged breath as she tried to cast her mind back to that terrible night. It wasn’t easy; she’d done her level best not to think about it at all, but eventually she began reliving the moments she’d found Brian Wade working manically in his shed, and Erica’s obviously dead body in the kitchen.
‘I know I should have called the police right then,’ she stumbled on, ‘but all I could think about was Ottilie ... I was so afraid for her and there was no sign of her. I dashed up the stairs shouting her name ... At first I thought she wasn’t there. Then I heard a scraping on the cupboard door in her room. I couldn’t get it open, someone had obviously locked her in, but then I spotted a key on the floor. I tore the door open and there she was, terrified ... I don’t know how much she’d seen of what had happened downstairs, I only knew I had to get her away from there. As I scooped her up I kept getting all these flashbacks to when I’d been shut in a cupboard at her age and how I’d waited for you to come ... I started to feel confused about who I was, who she was ... It was like she was me as a child and I was you ... I know it sounds crazy, but it’s how it was. It was only later that I remembered the dream about a woman running down some stairs with a child in her arms. I don’t know if I was having some kind of premonition with that, it seems like it now, but at the time, as it was happening, it still felt like a dream. She was clinging to me so hard and I was terrified Br
ian Wade would come in and find us. It seemed to take an eternity to get to my car, then she remembered Boots so I put her in the car seat and ran back inside. That was when I grabbed a few other things too. I was sure Brian Wade was going to walk in any minute. I had no idea what I’d do if I saw him, but thank God I didn’t.’
She took a breath and blew it out harshly.
Across the table Anna watched her, feeling for the horror she’d been through, while still trying to see how on earth they were going to resolve the situation she’d created. There were no easy answers; in truth she could come up with no answers at all. ‘So what happened next?’ she prompted. ‘I take it you brought her here?’
Alex nodded. ‘I was going to call the police, but then I couldn’t bear the thought of them taking her, not yet. She was so afraid, and had already been through so much. Imagine what it would have done to her if I’d just handed her over to strangers. She’s come to trust me, you know that, she truly believes I’ll always be there for her, so I couldn’t find it in my heart to let her down. I know it’s completely wrong of me, I’m not trying to say it isn’t, but it feels as though we belong together, and tell me, who else does she have? She’s only three, for God’s sake, and you’ve seen what spirit she has. In spite of everything that’s been done to her, she’s still trying to be loved, to have a normal relationship with someone ... How, at her age, and given the abuse she’s suffered, can she even know what that is, but somehow, on some level, she seems to, and she’s having it with me. And with you, though I know I shouldn’t drag you into this, and I swear, I’m not trying to. I understand what an impossible position I’m putting you in. If you don’t contact the police right away you’ll become an accomplice, so I understand you have to do it ...’
Reaching for her hands to try and calm her, Anna said, ‘Yes, I do, but before that ...’
Alex stood up, walked to the door and turned back again. ‘I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?’ she declared. ‘I mean for us. I’ve been such a fool, but there’s no going back from it now. I’ve had her for over a week, I’ve lied to the police, to my sister, Tommy, to everyone I know. The fact that she means the world to me, and probably really is better off with me, won’t count for anything when they find out that I took her and that I’ve had her here all along. Even Val, the detective who’s been so kind, will turn against me, and who can blame her? It’s a crime to steal a child, even if her parents are Brian and Erica Wade.’
Trying to steady the moment, Anna said, ‘I understand that according to the letter of the law you shouldn’t have done what you did, but you, more than anyone else, knew what was going on in that house ...’
‘It won’t matter, Mum, honestly. In fact, it’ll probably make it a hundred times worse, because I know the rules. I’m actually someone who’s supposed to apply them, and if people like me start to disobey them what do we have?’
Not reacting to the fact that Alex had called her Mum for the first time, though loving it, Anna said softly, ‘In this case what we have is a little girl who’s been rescued by someone who genuinely loves her, who’s safely asleep upstairs, who doesn’t want to be anywhere other than where she is now, and who wants to wake up to no one else but you in the morning.’
Though Alex was grateful for her mother being so understanding, it left her feeling more tortured than ever. ‘She’s not old enough to have a say,’ she responded, trying to stop herself breaking down. ‘And even if she were, it still won’t make what I’ve done right.’
‘No, it won’t,’ Anna agreed sombrely.
‘I’m sorry,’ Alex choked, ‘I’m so, so sorry. We’re only just getting to know one another, we had so much to look forward to, and now I’ll never be able to come to New Zealand ... For all I know I’m going to end up in prison and what will happen to Ottilie then? They’ll never let me see her again after this, and how is that going to help her? It was all I ever wanted, to help her, and I’ve made such a terrible, stupid mess of it.’
Taking her in her arms, Anna said, ‘I think we both need to sleep on this and talk again in the morning.’
‘But don’t you understand?’ Alex cried. ‘If you don’t go to the police right away, you’re going to be in almost as much trouble as I am.’
‘Why don’t you let me worry about that,’ Anna said gently. ‘You just go on up to bed now so you can be there if Ottilie wakes up, and I’ll go and bring in my luggage.’
Though Alex hadn’t slept particularly well, lying awake most of the night gazing at Ottilie’s sleeping face while trying to steel herself to give her up, by the time Anna came in with some breakfast she was feeling clearer-headed than she’d expected.
‘N-Anna,’ Ottilie cried cheerily as Anna put a tray down on the end of the bed.
‘And how are you this morning?’ Anna asked with a smile. This dear, sweet little creature really knew how to get to her.
Ottilie glanced at Alex.
‘Go on, you can do it,’ Alex encouraged softly.
‘I’m fine,’ Ottilie announced and gave a breathy little laugh. ‘Boots too,’ she added, holding him up.
‘Well, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’ Anna teased. ‘Did he sleep well?’
Ottilie nodded and gave him a squeeze. ‘He likes stories,’ she declared.
‘Really? Which is his favourite?’
Again Ottilie turned to Alex.
‘I think you know,’ Alex told her.
‘Pooh and Piglet,’ Ottilie stated and showed all her teeth in a cheesy little grin.
Giving in to the urge to hug her, Alex said to Anna, ‘How about you? Did you sleep well? I heard you in the night.’
‘I’m sorry if I woke you,’ Anna said, coming to sit with them and running her fingers over Ottilie’s cheek. ‘You’re such a beautiful, darling little girl,’ she told her fondly.
‘And Boots,’ Ottilie replied. ‘But he’s not a girl.’
Anna laughed, and choked with feeling Alex drew Ottilie in more tightly. ‘I’m going to see a lawyer this afternoon,’ she told her mother.
Anna’s eyes widened in surprise.
‘He’s the brother of a ... a friend, I guess,’ Alex explained, ‘and he’s offered to help.’
More amazed than ever, Anna said, ‘Does he know ... about this?’
‘No, no, of course not, but I thought ... Actually, I’m not sure what I thought. I suppose that he might be able to help me make the press go away, but that’s just being naïve, isn’t it?’
‘Probably,’ Anna agreed. ‘For that you’re going to need another major story to break.’
Alex gazed wistfully down at Ottilie. ‘Then she’ll be off the front pages and everyone will move on ... Until she’s found.’ She swallowed hard, trying not to imagine just how awful that was going to be for them both.
Tilting Alex’s face up to gaze into her eyes, Anna told her, ‘I had a long talk with Bob during the night, and now I’m a lot clearer in my mind about what we need to do.’
It was a couple of minutes before two when Maggie Fenn opened her front door, and before Alex had a chance to speak she pulled her straight into an embrace.
‘Come in, come in,’ she urged. ‘I’m so glad to see you ... My goodness, everything you’re going through, well, I can hardly begin to imagine. Why can’t they just focus on finding the little girl and leave you alone, that’s what I want to know.’
And why, Alex was thinking desperately to herself, hadn’t she just brought Ottilie straight here? OK, it wasn’t the right way to do things, but she’d be in a whole lot less trouble now if she had. And if anyone could give Ottilie a loving home, it was Maggie. Maybe she still could, except the last person the authorities would allow to make any suggestions about Ottilie’s future after this would be her, the woman who’d abducted her. It would be abduction, wouldn’t it, with a maximum sentence of seven years; not kidnap, please. Heaven only knew how long they might give her for that.
‘Alex, hi,’ Anthony Goodman said, getting to
his feet as Maggie showed Alex into the cosy sitting room, where a fire was glowing in the hearth and rain was spattering the deep bay windows.
Taking his hand, Alex forced a smile. As she met his eyes she found herself remembering how attractive she’d considered him on the two previous occasions they’d met, and she still did. It wasn’t only his looks, it was the aura he seemed to exude that was severe and yet friendly too. He was a capable man, confident, would know how to tackle problems head on and sort them.
Except this one.
If he knew the truth about her, if either he or his sister did, what would they think of her then?
How she hated deceiving them. They were decent, kind people, who totally believed in her; if only it could stay that way.
For a while, as Maggie poured the tea she’d already set out, they talked about the search and nationwide shock of so many arrests being linked to the same paedophile ring.
‘They were saying on the news just now,’ Maggie ventured, ‘that they’re about to add conspiracy to kidnap to the list of charges against Brian Wade.’
Swallowing her tea, Alex kept her eyes down as she said, ‘I guess, in the end, at least as far as sentencing goes, it won’t make much difference. The abuse itself is enough to send him away for life, and then there’s the murder of his wife, of course.’ She glanced at Anthony, the expert in these matters, and didn’t receive a contradiction.
‘Let’s just hope they don’t end up having to charge him with a second murder,’ Maggie commented sadly.
As Alex winced, Anthony shot his sister a reproving look.
Maggie apologised, blushing. ‘That was thoughtless of me. Please try to forget I said it.’
‘It’s OK,’ Alex assured her. ‘I expect a lot of people are thinking the same way.’ Feeling Anthony’s eyes still on her, she made herself look up. She wanted to try and make a quip about fishing, but nothing would come to mind. ‘Are you on holiday?’ she asked.
He raised an ironic eyebrow. ‘Not exactly,’ he replied. ‘I’m trying a case in Dean Crown Court starting on Wednesday, so I’ve been here for a few days getting prepared.’