by Kelly Moore
I tuck the envelope in my bag and pat him on the shoulder. “No, just a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.” I walk over to my desk to check for any messages on my computer.
“A misunderstanding like the two men you are partners with are both in love with you?”
I turn back around to see Ander turned in his chair looking at me. “Is that what you heard them saying?”
“Uh... no. That part was obvious.”
I lean back on the edge of my desk. Tears threaten to flow again. “I don’t know what to do.”
He gets up and stands in front of me. “I don’t have to ask which one you’re in love with, so I don’t understand why you don’t know what to do.” His hands go into his pockets. “Wren loves you, but he doesn’t have that empty place inside of him without you. Ashe…that man is empty without you. It’s in his face, his eyes, even in the way he moves.” He turns and walks back over to his desk. “He holds his breath every time you’re in the room. He takes you in before he can inhale his next breath. I wish I had someone that loved me that way.”
His attention to fine details of people shocks me. I step back over to his desk. “And me?”
He lets out a low chuckle. “You come across as this well-put-together woman, strong and independent on the outside, but I can see that your insides bleed with love for Ashe. When he stands next to you, your body instinctively turns toward him. Your porcelain skin turns a shade of pink. You try very hard not to show it, but I saw it the day we had our first dinner meeting. Your eyes danced every time he spoke. I’d see you try to right your shoulders trying to ignore the feelings you have for him, but it was there right under the surface.”
My mouth hangs open at his words, because everything he said is true. Every sarcastic remark I ever threw his way was to hide my real feelings like when he would watch my ass when I would walk in front of him. I wanted his eyes on me and I think he knew it.
“You are much wiser than you should be.”
“Do you want some advice?”
I nod.
“I’d get out of here and go find him before he disappears for good. If I were a betting man, I’d wager he’ll soon be on a plane out of here and handing you over to Wren. He’d rather bow out than cause you anymore pain.”
I nearly trip snatching my bag off my desk. Before I rush by Ander, I lean down and kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” I say and head for the elevator.
“I’ll expect a raise in my next paycheck for the therapy session,” he yells after me and winks. “Good luck,” he smiles and says before I get into the elevator.
I wave down a cab to take me to Ashe’s apartment complex. Lunchtime traffic has us almost at a standstill. I anxiously watch out the window as people stroll on the sidewalks looking at their cell phones, sipping their coffees, clueless as to the world around them. It hits me that Ashe must feel the same way when he is medicated. He watches the world go by behind a glass window, so close to the emotions, but never really able to reach out and touch them. He can long for them, wish for them, and come within inches of touching them, but he never really gets there. No wonder he hates taking them. For the first time ever, I understand where he’s coming from. It’s no wonder why when he goes off them he’s so intense. It has to be like experiencing something for the first time in a long time. I wish he could have that feeling every day, minus the lows, but there is no way to only control the lows and let him have his life back. My heart aches for him. He’s so brilliant and giving, it’s sad he’s so broken on the inside. I love him, with or without the meds. I’ll take his highs and lows as long as I can be with him. I’ve been such an idiot. I missed out on years of being with him because I’ve been afraid to be hurt rather than help him deal with his own pain. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do for the people we truly love?
“Stop here!” I yell. I can’t stand the slow pace anymore. I give the cab driver some cash and hop out, gripping my purse to my shoulder. I take off running and almost slam right into a parked car.
I don’t stop until I’m standing in front of his apartment building. “Hi, Carl.” I say, out of breath and in pain as he opens the door for me.
“Dr. Thatcher…” he calls after me but I keep moving and don’t stop until I’ve made it to his room.
“Ashe!” I yell as I pound on his door. “Damn it.” I dig through my purse and snag out a credit card, slipping it between the door and the lock. When it opens I burst through the door.
“Ashe!” There is no sign of him. I stand in front of his closet with my hands trembling. I’m terrified of what I won’t find on the other side. I open the door. His shirts and suits are neatly in place on one side. The other side is completely empty. His jeans and t-shirts are all gone. Hangers are lying on the floor next to his dress shoes.
“Think. Where did he go? Carl!” I take off back downstairs.
“Where did he go, Carl?” I’m frantic.
“He’s gone.”
“I know he’s gone.” I take a second to catch my breath. “Where did he go?”
“He didn’t say other than that he would be gone for a while.”
“Damn it! I really need to find him.”
“He said something about a flight out.”
“Taxi!” I yell. “Thank you, Carl.”
I yank open the door before the cab has fully stopped. “Airport, and hurry.” The cab driver squeals the tires. My phone is vibrating in my purse. “Ashe?” I ask without looking.
“No, it’s Wren. Ander told me you ran out of here.”
“Where did he go? Ander said you two were having a heated conversation when he came in today.”
“He didn’t say anything about leaving.”
“Were you arguing about me?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“I thought I made it clear that you and I will never happen. You need to let me go. Now, Ashe is headed God knows where.” I hang up.
My body trembles as we pull into the airport. I have no idea where he is going as I look at the departure board. I frantically look for the security check point. There are three lines full of people. I walk around the outside barrier looking for him, finally catching a glimpse of him on the other side of security. He is already leaning over picking up his carry-on bag from the conveyor belt.
“Ashe!” I yell and try to duck under the barrier, but a security guard stops me.
“Ma’am, you can’t go in there without a ticket.” He has me by the arm.
“I just need to talk to that man right there. Please,” I beg him.
“I’m sorry, it’s not allowed.” He guides me outside the barrier.
Ashe is staring at me when I look back in his direction. “Ashe! Wait, please!” I yell.
He throws his bag over his shoulder and starts to walk toward me, but stops short. One hand goes in his jean pocket and he looks down.
“Ashe, look at me,” I cry.
He looks up and I can see the mist in his eyes from where I stand. His lips mouth my name and then stop my heart, clearly saying ‘Goodbye’. I watch frozen in place as he turns and strides away.
Chapter 31
“I’m so happy for you, Wren. Traci looked absolutely stunning,” I say as we move around the dance floor.
“Well you looked gorgeous yourself as my best man,” he laughs.
“Um, your new wife is waving you down,” I shift him in her direction.
“I think she’s ready to leave on our honeymoon. Do you have everything ready for your mission trip to Thailand?”
“Yeah, I take the red-eye out tonight.”
“Try to have a little fun while you’re over there. It’s been a difficult year for you.”
“I’ve been busy on missions. It helped keep my mind off…” my voice trails.
“You still haven’t heard anything from him?”
“No. I don’t know that I ever will.”
“Come on handsome, we’re going to miss our flight,” Traci says, wrapping her arms
around him. “Thank you for everything that you’ve done for us, Aedon.”
“You’re welcome. Now the two of you get out of here.” I shoo them off. Wren takes a few steps away and comes back to hug me.
“You be safe and don’t worry about anything while you’re gone. You deserve the break.”
“Get out of here before you make me cry.”
“I’ll finish the dance with you.” Ander sweeps in and takes my hand. Wren smiles and walks away.
“You look pretty hot in that tux,” I kiss his cheek. “Where is that sexy boyfriend of yours?”
“He’s over there pouting because I’m dancing with a beautiful woman.” He tilts his head to the left.
I laugh. “I don’t think he has anything to worry about.”
“Well, if I were going to go straight with any woman, it would be you,” he teases me.
“I may have to fire you for that.”
He chuckles, “You need me too much to fire me.”
“You’re right, I do.”
“Speaking of I do, can you believe these two ended up together?”
“Life is strange sometimes.” As we dance, I think about the first day Traci walked into my office. She came to thank me for not leaving her in the Pentagon. The minute she and Wren spoke, I saw it in his eyes. It was a familiar look. He fell head over heels in love with her. Our relationship changed that day. He finally understood what it really meant to be madly in love with someone. Who would have thought in less than a year, they’d be married.
“Can you take me to the airport? I brought my bags with me.”
“Yeah, let me go tell mister hotty over there that I’m giving you a ride.”
As he releases me to find his boyfriend, I go inside and grab my bags.
My first-class window seat reclines all the way back. I settle in for the long flight to Thailand. I was looking for a change of pace, and General Briggs recommended a mission to Thailand that he thought I would be perfect for during one of our meetings. It was set up a year ago in a thriving village in the middle of Thailand. There are a few doctors already in place and a few nurses, but they are looking for a temporary thoracic surgeon to join their team for a couple of months until they can find someone permanent.
When Ashe left, he gave me his shares of our company. I hired several other doctors and nurses to handle the load. I really don’t have to go on rescue missions anymore, but I do anyways to keep busy. Ander runs everything now.
I reach down to the floor and take the crumpled letter out of my bag. At first, I cried myself to sleep every night reading it. It’s been a couple months since I’ve looked at it. I carry it on me at all times. I rub the worn letter against my jeans, trying to get the crinkles out. There are tear stains smearing some of the words, but I know almost every word by heart. I used to read it over and over again, imagining I could hear it in Ashe’s voice. You would think I would’ve moved on by now, but my heart still belongs to him even after I watched him board that plane a year ago. I figured he had mercy on my heart by leaving. He had made up his mind that I needed someone else. He couldn’t have been more wrong, but if he would’ve stayed it would have torn all three of us and our company apart. He worked too hard to see it fail.
My hands still shake every time I unfold the letter.
Dear Aedon,
My heart is in a million tiny fragments writing this to you. I promised that I wouldn’t fall apart again if you would let me into yours. After our ordeal and me missing my medications, I realized that was a promise I might not always be able to keep. I can’t risk not being the person you deserve.
You have a good man that loves you. Wren would never hurt you, but I can’t lose to him and sit around and watch it happen. That would be my tipping point. I’ve contacted my attorney to have my shares of the company put in your name. It’s yours to run.
That being said, please carry every little thing that we have been through together close to your heart, like I will in mine. Learn from our mistakes, but know that I regret not one minute of loving you. I would stop this whole damn world from turning to be with you and hold you every night. But, I know you. You would hold on so tight and sacrifice yourself to be with this damaged man. God, I wish I wasn’t broken. The fact is I’m just as broken with the medications. I’m controlled, but never free.
I love you, Aedon, never doubt that. You have a shot at real happiness and I refuse to be a selfish asshole and take that from you. Please have mercy on my heart and don’t follow me or try to find me. Let me go. Find your wings and fly, mine are damaged beyond repair.
You are the most beautiful woman in the world, both inside and out. Smart as fuck. Too smart to be held back by a man like me. You deserve a man that isn’t…me.
I love you beyond words – Ashe
My head falls back as the tears start to stream down my face. The lights are mercifully dim and hide my tears from those around me. He couldn’t have been more wrong. He’s the man I deserve and he’s not broken, but it took me too long to see that. His mind works differently than most people, but what a beautiful soul. He has a tender heart that wanted nothing more than to help other people, to save them. I think it’s because he felt like he could never save himself.
I’ve honored what he asked about not following him. I can’t say I don’t look for him on every rescue mission I’ve been on since he left. I keep thinking he’s going to show up and save the day, save my heart one more day of pain. I’ve kept busy and moved on, at least with the business. I’ve let my apartment go and when I get back, I plan on buying a small house on the outskirts of the city. I might even buy myself a car.
I wipe my tears and stuff the letter back in my bag. “Good night, Ashe, wherever you are.” My thoughts hold grimly onto wakefulness, but after several hours they loosen their grip enough to drift into a restless sleep.
Thailand is gorgeous and oh so green, and its mountains are unique. I was greeted at the small airport by a young man holding a sign. His name is Pim and his English is pretty good. He can’t be more than fifteen years old. He threw my bags in the back of the off-road Jeep and hasn’t stopped chatting since we left.
He tells me the camp is set up two hours from here. He talks about the people that live here and their way of life. The medical team in the camp saved his mother’s life, according to him, and that’s how he started working for them. He runs errands and picks up supplies when needed.
I glance through my paperwork as he talks a mile a minute. I’m meeting with a Dr. Smith, who is from Boston. He’s forty-five years old and has been working for Doctors Without Borders for several years. He gave up his busy practice to come here and help these people.
“Do you know this Dr. Smith that runs the mission?” I ask as the Jeep bounces over the rough terrain.
“Dr. Smith doesn’t run it, Lucifer does.” He glances at me too long and we almost hit a huge rock.
My heart stops. “What did you say?”
“Dr. Lucifer runs the mission. He’s so good to all of us.”
It can’t be. It has to be a coincidence. “What does this Dr. Lucifer look like, Pim?”
“Oh, he’s tall. All the women think he’s handsome, but he’s married. Says he only loves one woman.”
Married. It’s not him. I hold on to the roll bar the rest of the way and listen to him talk. We finally make it to the village out in the middle of nowhere. Grass huts surround the perimeter of the village. A makeshift MASH unit, constructed with wooden poles and old rusty panels of sheet metal sits in the middle. It’s divided into six separate rooms, which are only covered by what looks like shower curtains.
Pim stops in front of a grass hut on the very end. “This will be where you live.’ He jumps out and grabs my bag. I follow him into the little house. The dirt floor is covered with old pieces of tile. A single bed, a dresser, a small table are the lone furnishings in the room. A small steel sink resides in the corner.
“No bathroom?” I ask him.
&n
bsp; “It’s in the middle of the village.”
“Where can I find this Dr. Smith?”
“Come on, I’ll show you.”
I follow his quick steps out the door and into a kitchen with picnic tables set up in it. “Where is everyone?”
“They’ve been really busy, so Dr. Lucifer told them to take a couple days off. They all went on a hiking trip together.”
He walks me past the gas stove and into what I think is going to be a pantry, but turns out to be an office. The nice-looking man sitting behind the desk stands when he sees me.
“You must be Dr. Thatcher. It’s so nice to meet you and good of you to come help us out.”
“Dr. Smith. It’s nice to meet you.” I shake his hand.
“Have a seat,” he says, pointing to the one in front of his desk. The door is to my back. “I’ve read some reports of the work you’ve been doing, but I want to hear it from you. It all sounds so exciting.”
I open my mouth to speak and suddenly the air around me changes. I can’t place my finger on the feeling until I turn around toward the footsteps softly padding up behind me.
“She’s the best thoracic surgeon in the entire country, you’d better do some quick talking to keep her.”
Chapter 32
Aedon
My facial expression goes from stunned to elated, smiling from ear to ear, in a split second. I jump out of my seat and into his arms, like I’d never left their warmth. “I can’t believe it’s really you.” My lips go to his without thinking, then I remember Pim telling me he was married. I quickly draw back and touch my mouth with my hand.
“I take it you two know one another,” Dr. Smith says. “You never mentioned that, Ashe.”
“If she knew I was here, she might not have come.” His green eyes are piercing through mine.
Dr. Smith clears his throat in the moment of silence. “How about I give you two a moment alone.”
Neither one of us argue with him, we just continue staring. The door creaks closed behind us.