“When they were done, Darius dropped me off at the usual corner like always, but not before threatening me not to tell. The next day I saw him at school kissing another girl. He never spoke to me again.”
“I never told my grandmother or anyone else. Who could I tell? I wasn’t supposed to have a boyfriend anyway. I aimlessly walked into the house at the normal time as if nothing had happened. Grandma was out shopping so I didn’t have to face her. I took a bath three times that evening and twice in the morning. It would be a week before the pain and swelling completely went away. Thankfully, I didn’t get pregnant. I did contract an STD that I was secretly treated for at a free local clinic.”
For the first time she discerned Kevin’s arm around her. “I’m almost done,” she said, noting the distress that veiled his face.
“For years I tried hard to bury those memories. I tried to convince myself that they didn’t exist, that it was all a bad dream. A horror film I’d seen on the big screen. I even told myself that I was still a virgin. But the memories wouldn’t go away. The visions, the laughter, the smell, and that awful pain, none of it would go away. I started drinking as a way to help me forget.” Looking him in the eyes, she told him the truth. “Kevin, I was drinking long before I met you. In fact, the day we met I was rushing to buy some vodka that was on sale. That’s how I ran into your cart. I was going to buy some other items, but that was my main staple.”
Kevin looked perplexed. “You didn’t drink while we dated.”
“I stopped drinking because there was something about you that intrigued me. I sobered up so I could get to know you, and then I stayed sober because when I was with you, I didn’t hurt as much. You always made me feel safe. That’s why I liked to cuddle so much. Being with you pushed my fears away and made me want to love and be loved. Thank you,” she said, then kissed his cheek.
“When I accepted your marriage proposal, I really thought I was over my demons. But that night when you stood over me, everything came rushing back. Yes, I did trip out, but, Kevin, it had nothing to do with you or your body. I was in the room with you, but I was screaming at Darius and four nameless faces. The few times we were intimate were very difficult for me. And, yes, I did use alcohol to help me relax enough to be intimate with you, but I only closed my eyes to block out visions of the past, not you. You have to believe that.”
For Marlissa it felt like an eternity waiting for Kevin to respond. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” he finally replied.
“It was too painful, and, besides, I had lied to you about being a virgin. You said you were saving yourself for your wife. I was afraid you wouldn’t want me if you knew how many males had penetrated me. I was damaged goods. With your mother relentlessly preaching against women who weren’t pure and holy, women like me, I assumed you felt the same. Plus, I really thought I was over it.”
Marlissa answered his next question before he could ask. “Kevin, I left because I was hurting you and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t handle my demons, so I reverted to what was familiar, alcohol. I was too weak to fight and I couldn’t stop hurting you. I hated myself for that, so I gave up and left. I gave up the fight and on myself. You deserved so much better than what I was capable of giving you. I love you too much to ever hurt you. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s the truth.”
Kevin pulled Marlissa as close to him as humanly possible, and held her for a long time. He listened to her cries while rubbing her back. “Do I still make you feel safe?” he asked as he wiped her face.
“Always.”
He kissed her tenderly, and then turned out the light.
Chapter 17
“Brat, get up!” Leon banged on Marlissa’s door on the way to his room. “Hurry up, woman, I got a praise report.”
“Me too,” Marlissa announced, stepping into the apartment.
Leon shook his head. “Hold on, neither one of us stayed here last night?” Leon asked excitedly.
“Apparently not.” Marlissa dropped her purse on the couch.
The friends stood grinning at each other, waiting for what they hoped was good news.
“Since I am the oldest, I will go first,” Leon decided, and didn’t allow time for Marlissa to disagree. “Consider yourself notified: in thirty days I’m going home to mama!” he bellowed while shaking his key ring. Marlissa screamed and hugged Leon, then the two performed a praise victory dance complete with speaking in tongues.
“I am so happy for the two of you.” She listened to him explain about Starla wanting to find some answers to her past. “I’ll be praying for her.”
“Now, why are you looking so serene at seven o’clock in the morning?” Leon folded his arms and leaned against the wall. “Spill it, brat.”
“I got a new key too,” Marlissa beamed. “He didn’t ask me to move back in, but he gave me a key so I can get in anytime I want.” She went on to tell Leon about the fireworks and the misunderstanding.
“It’s about time you told him the truth. I bet you feel a lot better.”
“I do feel better,” Marlissa admitted. “If I’d known he felt that way, I would have told him sooner. What’s strange is that I thought the truth would pull him away from me, but after I told him, we were closer than ever.”
Leon raised an eyebrow. “Just how much closer were you?”
Marlissa rolled her eyes. “No closer than you and Starla.”
“I ain’t mad at’cha.” Leon turned serious. “Are you going to be able to handle this place by yourself?”
“If not, I’ll just have to move into that big house with my fine husband,” she teased.
“How soon do you think that will be?” Leon was concerned about her being alone.
“I think very soon. Last night we made major progress. He didn’t say it, but I know Kevin loves me. It was written all over his face and I felt it in the way he made—”
Leon waved his hands in the air. “Hold up! That’s too much information.”
“Mr. Don’t Know Nothing At All, I was going to say the way he made me feel safe after I poured my past out to him.” Marlissa knelt in front of the couch. “For your information, Kevin and I didn’t hold any championship wrestling matches last night. We cuddled.”
“Oh, he’s the sensitive type,” Leon said, kneeling beside her.
Marlissa rolled her eyes once again. “No, he’s my type.”
“I am happy for you, brat, for both of us.” Leon checked his watch. “We’d better hurry before we’re late for work.”
“A few extra minutes won’t hurt. We owe God that.” Marlissa reached for Leon’s hand and began praying.
Kevin held his sterile, gloved hands out in front of him and prayed once again. He always said at least one prayer for a successful outcome before each surgery. Now, standing above the anesthetized patient, Kevin was on his third prayer. He’d performed at least a hundred corneal transplants; it was one of his specialties. But never had he picked up a surgical instrument after being up for twenty-four hours straight, and never had his mind been so preoccupied before a surgery.
In the past, Kevin had always been able to put his personal life on the back burner once he scrubbed. He couldn’t do that today. Kevin was more than physically tired; he was mentally drained. Marlissa’s revelations had taken him on an emotional roller coaster ride that was still taking him through loops and upside-down sharp turns hours later.
Long after Marlissa had fallen asleep in his arms, Kevin lay there holding her and praying for her. At times, he shed silent tears thinking about the barbaric abuse she’d endured at such a young age. When the alarm sounded at 5:00 A.M., he still wasn’t ready to leave her. She looked so peaceful entwined with the now-ruined comforter. Her dark brown tresses were splayed out on the pillow, and the residue of dried drool stained her face, but Marlissa was beautiful. Kevin couldn’t remember if he had ever seen her so tranquil. Marlissa tossed and turned all night, every night, when they previously shared the same bed. Last night Marlissa barely mov
ed at all, but then Kevin was holding her so tightly, she probably couldn’t move if she wanted to.
He didn’t wake Marlissa until it was time for him to leave, wanting her to rest as long as possible. Figuring Marlissa didn’t want to miss work, he reluctantly stirred her.
“’Lissa, I’m leaving now,” he whispered into her ear before kissing her on the forehead.
“What time is it?” She stretched, but didn’t open her eyes.
“Six.” Kevin took her hand and something shiny glared. It was a key. She opened her eyes wider. “That’s a new key. I had the locks changed a few weeks ago.”
“I’ll leave it in the mailbox.” Marlissa squeezed her hand shut and looked inquisitively at Kevin.
“Keep it,” he replied quickly, then added, “use it often.”
Marlissa didn’t ask questions and Kevin didn’t offer clarification. Each accepted the moment for what it was: a step in the right direction.
“I left some money for you to buy a new comforter and a day at the spa. You used to enjoy that.” Kevin brushed the back of his hand across her cheek.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I would kiss you, but one whiff of this morning breath and you may fall out under the power.”
“Save it for me.” Kevin gazed at her like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. Following a quick word of prayer, he left.
Now, as he awaited the signal from the anesthesiologist, so many things made sense to him. The reason she accused him of being a rapist that first day. Why she found it hard to trust him in the beginning. The way she always jumped and appeared frightened whenever he touched her from behind. Why she resisted him so much.
Marlissa was a new woman, a woman he could now understand. She was ready and willing to love him. Presently, he wanted nothing more than to love her back; he just wasn’t ready to tell her that.
“Dr. Jennings, we’re ready,” the anesthesiologist announced.
Kevin prayed one more time before accepting the surgical instrument.
Chapter 18
Starla had read the ten digits so many times she could recite them backward. Ten years ago, when her father’s widow gave her the number, Starla had promised to use it. She hadn’t meant for it to take so long. At both the funeral and repast, Starla heard story after story and even more praises for Deacon James Howard. Up until then she didn’t know her father had attended church. He didn’t when he lived with her. Starla couldn’t remember her father ever mentioning God; he didn’t even pray over his food.
The warm stories everyone shared made her feel proud, then angry. The fuzzy memories Starla had seemed irrelevant. The tall, cinnamon-complexioned man with wavy black hair she remembered wasn’t the same mild-mannered, respected deacon everyone raved about. The James Howard she knew was boisterous and full of energy. He was exciting, adventurous, and the most loving person she knew. Not one day went by that he didn’t come home and kiss her before he kissed her mother. When he brought flowers home for Yvonne, he also presented some to Starla. Identical to the James Howard these strangers described, the father she knew was always a man of his word.
If her dad promised to take her somewhere, they went. If he vowed to buy her a new doll on Friday, after receiving his paycheck from his job at a uniform delivery company, James would do just that. The only time James didn’t keep his word was when he threatened to spank her. To Starla’s contentment, James could never bring himself to hurt his only child.
“Why did you leave?” Starla asked the worn piece of paper again, and, as always, there wasn’t a response. Starla bowed her head in prayer.
Father, please grant me the strength to follow through with this. Prepare my heart to handle whatever information I discover. And, God, give me the strength to forgive my father for leaving me and my mother.
Starla took a deep breath and removed the cordless phone from its base. She’d just finished with the area code when the doorbell sounded.
“Mommy, somebody’s at the door!” Montel yelled from the living room.
Starla replaced the unit and headed downstairs, pondering who was on the other side of the door intruding on private time. Leon had begun training the boys to “take care” of their mother, so before Starla opened the door, the boys stood on each side of her.
“Lewis, what are you doing here?”
This time it was Jaylen who had diarrhea of the mouth. He pointed to the roses in Lewis’s hand. “My daddy already gave her some.”
“Jaylen!” Starla scolded.
“Oh. Really?” Lewis asked the unsuspecting three-year-old, but big brother Montel answered.
“And he’s moving back home, so you can’t come here anymore.”
“Montel, Jaylen, go to your room, now!” Starla pointed toward the staircase. The boys slowly walked away, each intermittently looking back at Lewis. “Ugh, them Scott genes,” she mumbled before directing her attention to Lewis. “Lewis, come in and have a seat.”
“Are you sure it’s okay with your security guards?” Lewis teased.
“Positive,” Starla assured him.
“These were for you.” He handed her the yellow roses.
“Thank you, Lewis, but the boys are correct. Leon and I have reconciled.”
Lewis leisurely placed the scented beauties on the coffee table and sat on the loveseat. “Is that why you haven’t returned my calls or attended church these past weeks?”
Starla sat across from him on the couch. “I have been attending services with Leon. As for your calls, I don’t think it’s appropriate for us to spend time together on the phone or otherwise, considering your proposition.”
Lewis remained cool. “Starla, I thought you agreed to seriously consider my proposal. I thought you wanted a stable environment for you and the boys.”
Starla leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees. “Lewis, I know you don’t understand and I don’t expect you to. I earnestly considered your proposal and all the things you could offer me and the boys. When it comes to possessions, you win hands down. But I love Leon, nothing can ever change that. I’d rather struggle with him than live a life of luxury with someone I don’t love.”
“What about your boys? Is it fair to make them struggle?” Starla could tell he was losing his cool by the way his voice inflected.
“Lewis, my boys are fine. They love and adore their father, just as much as I do.” Starla sighed. “Leon loves his family so much, he’d give his life for us without hesitation. You can’t replace that kind of love with material possessions.”
“Yet Leon replaced it with alcohol without hesitation,” Lewis reminded her. “He loved you so much that he left you unprotected and homeless for a bottle.”
A vision of her father flashed before her, and Starla blinked back tears. “Lewis, what you’re saying is the truth; there’s nothing I can say to change those facts. However, those facts don’t change how I feel.” Starla stood, indicating the conversation was over.
“Maybe you should pray about this some more,” he suggested, and stood.
Starla smiled. “I have prayed. That’s how I know this is right.”
Lewis moved closer. “I prayed too, and that’s how I know you and I are meant to be.” In one maneuver, Lewis pressed her to him and kissed her. Starla wasn’t able to push him away before the boys grabbed Lewis’s legs. Jaylen punched him in the groin and Montel latched on to his thigh with his teeth. Neither of them had heard the boys creep back down the stairs.
“Ouch!” Lewis released Starla and pushed the boys off of him.
Recognizing the fear in her babies, Starla finished the job they started. “Don’t you ever put your hands on me or my boys! Now get out!” she ordered after kneeing Lewis in the groin.
Lewis, bent over and gasping for air, slowly made his way to the door. “St . . . Starla, wait. We need to talk.”
“I’m going to tell my daddy!” Montel screamed after dumping Lewis’s flowers into the garbage.
&nb
sp; “Montel, hush! Lewis, out!” Starla ordered.
“Starla, you know I would never hurt you or the boys,” Lewis grunted through clenched teeth.
“Lewis, all I know is that there is no way I’d ever choose you over my husband. I don’t know what god you’ve been praying to, but it certainly isn’t the true and living God. Please don’t call me or come here again,” Starla ordered before she slammed the door in his face. No sooner had she locked the door than the boys ran to her. “Are you all right?” she asked after hugging each of them.
“Yes. I can’t wait to tell Daddy you know how to fight.” Montel grinned. Starla laughed and Jaylen picked up the cordless handset.
“Jaylen, what are you doing?” Starla asked.
“I’m calling Daddy.”
Starla promptly snatched the phone from her youngest protector and replaced it on the base. “Boys, have a seat. I’m going to teach you a game called ‘let’s keep Daddy out of jail.’ Then I have a very important call to make.”
Chapter 19
Marlissa took total advantage of having the insurance office all to herself. The reprieve was temporary; Mr. Atkins was scheduled to return in an hour. There would be just enough time for her to eat a bagged lunch, use the restroom, and call Starla for another lesson. Marlissa started on her turkey sandwich first.
Thus far, every one of Starla’s lessons had yielded success. Kevin nearly fell off balance upon coming home two nights ago and finding new bedding and a hot, candlelit bubble bath waiting for him. Marlissa considered Starla’s suggestion that she join Kevin, but that would have been a bit too aggressive. Kevin enjoyed his treat in the master bath alone.
“I could get used to this,” Kevin said with his head lying in her lap as she massaged his temples later after dinner. Marlissa assumed he was referring to the motion of her fingers. Kevin switched positions on the couch and gathered Marlissa to him, and in no time fell asleep.
Marlissa bit into the caramel rice cake and giggled out loud. In place of a day at the spa, she went grocery shopping with the money Kevin had given her. Out of habit, when he returned home, Kevin reached into the wire basket for a snack as he sorted through the mail. His face twisted when he realized the chips and peanuts were gone. The only items in the fruit basket were fruit. He opened the cookie jar and grunted. His favorite round snacks had been replaced with much bigger and tasteless assorted rice cakes. Kevin didn’t argue with Marlissa about monitoring his sugar intake. “Just keep me supplied with this sugar,” he had said, and then kissed her.
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