by Lola Stark
“Frankie’s Pizza Plaza, how can I help you?” the raspy voice on the other end of the line said.
“Hey, Frankie. It’s Jude. Can I get the usual, please?” The exhaustion dripped from my voice as I spoke.
“No worries, dude. You sound like you’ve been through the ringer. The new driver will be there in about twenty.” Pans banged and crashed in the background.
“Cheers.” I stood up from my perch and rounded the kitchen counter pulling down a glass and a bottle of bourbon from the cupboard above the stove. My muscles protested as I reached wide and tapped the glass against the ice dispenser on the front of the fridge before topping it up with the golden amber liquid.
“Bath time, boys!” I called out to the kids before taking a good mouthful of liquid stress reliever. Drooping back against the counter, I sighed when the rush of warmth ran down my throat and settled deep in my stomach. My head pounded, my body ached and my eyes felt like they were hanging from their sockets. This day needed to end and it couldn’t happen soon enough.
The boys as they ran from one side of the house to the other, the only reprieve in my day knowing they were happy. Obviously, bath time was being avoided. I pushed off the counter to rally everyone into the bathroom.
The doorbell chimed as I dragged my feet toward the stairs, changing my path to answer the door instead. I palmed my wallet from the side table as I went.
“That’ll be $23.60, thanks.” The delivery driver smiled when I opened the door. A young girl, no older then seventeen, all but bounced on the spot. Some people clearly loved their jobs far too much.
“Thanks.” I handed over some cash and told her, “Keep the change.” Jordan bounded past me and took the pizza and wings from her hands before I could even reach for them. I chuckled, so much for the bath.
“Thanks for the tip. Would you mind terribly if I gave you one of these?” The curly redheaded pogo stick held out her hand with a small white card in it. I took it between two fingers with my eyebrows raised, wondering what the hell she was giving me. “I’m trying to make money to help with my college tuition.” She bounced on the balls of her feet as she spoke a huge smile still in place. “I babysit, mow laws, do cleaning, cooking and errands. Just about anything you can think of I can try.” She told me, her springy red hair falling out of her baseball cap.
“Oh, sure. Sounds good.” I yawned not able to withhold my tiredness.
“Great, thanks, super! Well, if you ever find a need for any of those things, there’s a number on the card. Have a great night, mister!” I closed the door as she bounded down the front steps and back to her little car. Not taking much notice, I threw my wallet and the card onto the side table and headed to the living room to see what scraps of food the garbage disposals I called children had left me.
Haven
I was afraid of so many things. I knew in the bottom of my heart and soul I just wasn’t enough. Being alone, not being worthy, being the wrong person, feeling too much, not feeling enough, people seeing me cry, never being loved, getting my heart broken… I was afraid of being human.
I was afraid of being me.
Those lines… ‘I ’m just not ready for a relationship.’ ‘I need to evolve as a human being.’ ‘It’s not you it’s me.’ ‘Don’t take it personally. You’re a great girl.’ I’ve heard them all before.
They drew you in and spat you out every time. But I couldn’t be bitter. I never would be. I’d just always be a fool, the fool who hoped against all odds that I’d find that person who’d look at me like I mattered, the one who’d hold me just because they wanted to… who’d call me at night just to hear my voice. That one person I could give myself to completely without fear or regret. That one person who could look at me with tears rolling down their face and still tell you I’m the most beautiful person in history. A fool who’d stumble and fall over my crushed dreams but get back up and do it all again later.
Tears rolled down my face and I pulled my comforter over my head, burrowing down into my nest of pillows in the hope I wouldn’t feel so alone in the cold of the night. So irrelevant, so broken, so very damaged.
The sound of my broken heart beating in my chest lulled me off to sleep. My eyes drifted closed and the silence I was accustomed to faded into darkness.
Monday came far too quickly and with a burst of sunshine I silently wished death upon. Like a sick twist of fate, I passed more than my fair share of ‘happy couples’, all of whom made me want to regurgitate my coffee and bagel.
“Stupid feelings,” I grumbled at the sidewalk. I pushed the button on my keys, unlocking my car and flinging the door open. I threw myself into the driver’s seat and tossed my handbag beside me. “Boys are dumb,” I repeated my mantra as I jammed the key into the ignition with vengeance and started the engine. I could smell him in my car; the heady scent of Jude was all around me. He’d been in my car just days before, checking it out at the garage and that overwhelming smell that was just him still lingered. Lemon, a small hint of leather, engine grease and his own natural pheromones that always seemed to have me wanting to lick him. It was infuriating when I was in such a foul mood. I just couldn’t avoid him no matter how much I tried.
“Fuck this!” I slammed the car into gear and rolled down the windows. I didn’t need the constant reminder of Jude, in my car no less. It was bad enough he invaded my thoughts, my dreams, my very soul. I couldn’t have him permeating the air inside my car too.
Everything conflicted within me as I made my way to Needle’s Kiss. My first day on the job and already I was a frazzled mess.
“If you want to be treated as an adult, Haven, act like one.” My pep talk did a whole bunch of nothing to calm the storm raging on my emotions.
Stewing the entire way to work, I grumbled and glared at anything that could have possibly offended my mood, and most things that didn’t. Pulling up to the parlor, I scolded myself for being childish and tried to paste a sweet smile on my face. After all, it was my first day working in a job that could possibly hand me my freedom and some much-needed respect from my big ogre brothers.
“Morning,” I called out in a fake-as-Barbie tone, the front door charm sounding at my appearance.
“Morn… hot damn, sugar!” Teeny stopped dead in her tracks, all but breaking her neck doing a double take. “What happened to you?” She met me at the front counter and looked me up and down.
“Pardon?” I asked, confused.
“You look hot. As in, I think I just got hit by a truck and the devil sent his sexiest vixen to get me, H.O.T.” She finished with a wolf whistle.
“Oh, give it up. It’s nothing much. Scarlett told me to amp up the wardrobe a little, so I did. It’s not too much, is it?” I asked, suddenly nervous I’d overdone her instructions. I looked down at my outfit of black torn tights layered under a red and black plaid schoolgirl style skirt and topped with a black sleeveless and very busty top.
“I fucking love it. Those boots… holy hell I’d fuck you in those boots.” She pointed to my grungy, chic black and silver studded stiletto ankle boots with a greedy look in her eyes.
“Back up now, sister. You’re banging my brother. You can’t have it all.” My mood had lifted significantly just from her words. I apparently needed that kind of affirmation that I’d done something right. “One sibling at a time, honey,” I joked as I pushed my handbag under the desk and took my seat.
“Fine. I choose the penis then. I don’t think I could live without a good penis even when it’s attached to an ass who infuriates me more than he pleases me.”
“Stop talking about my cock for shit’s sake,” Trip grumbled as he walked out from behind the wall separating the reception room and the rooms where they worked their magic. He stopped walking and screwed his face up while staring daggers through me. “Get up, get the fuck home, and change your clothes.” His voice was deathly quiet.
“No,” I told him with attitude, and turned back to my desk.
“Now!” he rumbled be
hind me.
“Fuck off, asshole,” I said nonchalantly. To hell he was bursting my bubble with his He-Man tantrum.
“Leave her alone and go away.” Teeny stood with one hand on her hip and one pointing to the back of the shop. “Now. Go on, get.” She tipped her head, cementing her words.
“Teeny, stay out of it. She’s my baby sister.” Trip threw his hands crudely toward me while stating his case to his girl. “The fuck she thinking coming in here looking like that?” His face colored crimson with his outburst. All the while, I pretended to busy myself with where everything was located behind the counter.
“Fuck off, Trip. Unless you don’t want to get off later.” Teeny smirked, an evil I-got-you-by-the-balls look in her eye. With a huff, Trip turned on his heel, mumbling something about cockblocking, and throat-punching, and who knows what else. Teeny turned back toward me, her gaze following my brooding brother. “You know, he only does it because he cares.” Her voice just a tinkling whisper. There was no way she was giving up the power she just assumed for the day when it came to Trip.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard sex noises coming from the back, especially when those two had words.
Teeny winked at me and bounced back to her station, humming some sort of “I’m gonna get cha” type tune. “Don’t let him get to you, babe.” She shook her head as she prepared her station. “You know how those boys are. He’s just taking the fact you’re all grown up now a little harder than normal. He’ll get over it.” She explained.
“And if he doesn’t?” I asked earnestly.
“I’ll beat it out of him.” She laughed. “You know my boobs used to look like that once…” She trailed off, walking away with a wistful sigh and leaving me to smile in her wake. I’d always liked Teeny, but even more so now she had my back or a crush on my boobs. Either way, it worked for me.
“I’m sorry, sir. I just can’t find it. Are you certain you called ahead?” The phone was pressed tightly between my shoulder and ear trying as hard as I could to hear the male voice between static sounds. “I’m having a lot of trouble hearing you clearly. Can I call you back shortly?”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and cringed. I’d dealt with more morons in one day than I had in the last month. I didn’t think anything else could go wrong for a first day. First, I’d dropped an entire dish of ink while setting up Teeny’s station. Then I’d gone to help the delivery driver get in the door with a shipment of supplies only to trip over my own two feet and take him down with me. I’d double booked Trip by an hour and a half. Luckily, Teeny had time to fix that mess and then I’d insulted some lady who’d come in to have a small piece added to her ribs, asking her, “Would you prefer one of the artists to draw something up.” I was about ready to go bury my head in a bucketful of piranhas; it’d be much less painful I was sure.
As if it were possessed, the phone kept ringing. I struggled to keep up with all the flashing lights. Geez, I knew Needle’s Kiss was successful, but damn. Picking up the next call greeted me with a god-awful screeching sound. I wasn’t sure if actual words were being spoken or someone was strangling a cat. Putting my finger in my ear, trying to block any cross noise, I listened for what the request was.
“Okay, no need to scream. I’ll have to see what I can do. Okay, yes. Please hold.” I pressed the Call Hold button and put the receiver down, releasing a big breath. Why were people such asses? I’d always had respect for people in customer service, but after today, even more so. Being abused and yelled at for no good reason, spoken down to and made to feel stupid were the themes of the day apparently.
The front door chimed and I looked up to find a party of three college students coming toward my desk. “I’ll be one moment, sorry.” I held up my finger and dashed off to find Teeny.
“FUCKING HELL!” I screamed, slamming the sketch room door behind me as I ran back out of it. I’d found her all right, bent over a desk in a very compromising position, a position I was sure would leave me with nightmares.
“Sorry ‘bout that. What’s wrong?” she asked, tucking her shirt back into the band of her still unbuttoned jeans.
“I… umm… I…” I stumbled over my words, still thrown off at just having walked in on my brother diddling his wife. At. Work. A place where I was no less!
“Come on, out with it,” she told me, fluffing up her hair so it didn’t look like it’d just been pulled. “Everyone has sex, sweetheart.” She smiled.
“I… the… the phone… umm…” I shook my head and tried again. “There’s a customer on the phone who claims to have an appointment with you this afternoon, but I have no booking for him.” I followed after her toward the front of the shop and paused long enough to say, “You two are fucking gross.”
Teeny simply poked her tongue out and pushed her boobs up for effect before picking up the phone and putting on a professional demeanor. Still shaken and feeling like I needed a bleach bath, I busied myself helping the collage kids find what they were after, hoping the day didn’t get any worse. One of them picked a small fairy to go on her ankle while the others took a seat.
I handed the image off to Trip and passed him the signed consent form. He looked unbothered that I’d just seen him having sex. In fact, he just chuckled and took his client to the other end of the store to work.
Teeny stood up from my seat and put the phone back on the base. “All sorted. His appointment was for next Wednesday. His girlfriend booked it in under her name apparently.” She changed the name in the appointment book and leaned down on the glass counter.
“I swear today can’t get any worse. I’ve fucked everything possible up,” I grumbled, clicking Print on the screen in front of me.
The printer came to life and started spitting out forms to re-stock our paperwork just as Teeny let out a loud laugh. “Famous last words, chick.”
I scrunched my forehead up and looked toward the door where her eyes had been fixed just as Jude walked in. My stomach instantly plummeted to the floor and the rest of my body knotted up. Seeing the man you were completely and hopelessly in love with walk into a room, knowing you had him and lost him, was gut wrenching… literally.
I looked down to the computer screen but not fast enough to miss the steely expression cross his face when he saw me. Talk about a slap to the face. That slap turned into a punch when he walked straight past me to the back of the shop without a single word. The moment he was out of sight my shoulders slumped.
“Go take a break across the road for lunch or just go for a walk, chick. You need a minute.” Teeny’s tone was understanding. I snatched up my bag and headed to the front door with my head still down, silently holding back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I know it’s not worth much, but I’m sorry,” Teeny added before I ducked outside and around the corner to the parking lot where the fat tears broke their banks and rolled down my face.
“What a cluster fuck of a day. “ I sniffled into my hands as I made my way as far as my legs could carry me from the parlor.
Teeny was right; I spoke too soon. Jude was the icing on my completely fucked-up cake of a first day. No way in hell was I going to be able to go back. I bet my pink slip was waiting for my defeated return.
“Please don’t be there when I get back,” I mumbled to myself as I opened the door to the sandwich shop. I had no appetite, but the smell of fresh baked bread was comforting anyway.
I couldn’t shake the look he had given me, or should I say non-look as he walked past me as if I were nothing but gum on the bottom of his boot. I closed my eyes as I slouched into the little booth toward the back. Almost as if in silent prayer, I willed my heart to stop breaking just a little bit more every time I laid eyes on Jude.
Jude
Fuck me dead.
I’d been anxious before I got to Needle’s Kiss, but once I actually entered the shop, I nearly fell over my own tongue. Seeing Haven was fucking painful, but seeing her looking so good was pure torture. That sexy outfit had so
mehow made me want to say to hell with everything, throw her over my shoulder and take her home. The thought of Haven in my home as she made it our home, caused a twinge in my chest. It would never be.
“What the fuck do you want?” Trip’s sharp tone snapped me back to the here and now.
“I want to talk to you,” I shot back just as bad-tempered as he was. I was well and truly over this hostile bullshit. These boys were my family for all intents and purposes.
“Well, too bad. I got nothing to say to you.” He threw a hand towel over his shoulder and stomped off toward the back entrance. Apart from the fact I didn’t want Haven overhearing us, I also knew he was going to take a swing and that was always best done outside.
“Don’t really give a shit. You don’t have to say anything but you’ll damn well listen.” I let the heavy back door close behind me and steeled myself just in time for Trip’s fist to connect with my jaw. A metallic taste filled my mouth instantly. I spat it at the ground near my feet and ran my tongue over the small split in my lip. “You done?”
“Fuck you!” Trip snarled, lunging at me again. I let him throw as many punches as he needed to, blocking them all without hitting back until he was out of breath.
Once he stumbled back and doubled over resting his hands on his knees, I asked again. “Done now?” Dropping my arms to my sides, I quietly struggled to calm my own labored breathing.
“You’re an asshole,” he gasped.
“And you’re gonna listen to me now.” I leaned against the brick wall.
“Don’t tell me what to fucking do.” His tantrums hadn’t changed, not one iota since I’d met him. And he wondered where Haven inherited it from, I mused, watching him for signs of round two.
“Look, the way you caught us wasn’t cool. I know that. But don’t think for a second I was anything less that real about her.” I spoke slowly. His face reddening, he stood, looking for another fight.
“Don’t talk about her. You don’t even get to mention her name, asshole!” he huffed. “She’s my baby sister! You don’t fuck with my baby sister!” He lunged and I moved out of the way. “Not fucking ever. You used her. I’ve seen you do it time and time again. You’re a fuck ‘em and forget ‘em guy.” His voice gaining both aggressiveness and rage, he continued.