by Lola Stark
“Thank you, Ma. I’d be lost without you.” I leaned down to her small, plump frame, smelling fresh cookies and cinnamon on her and pecked her on the cheek. “Bye boys! Be good,” I called as I headed back out the door.
A chorus of, “Bye, Dad,” was all I caught before the front door was closed and Ma’s humming drifted out of the open windows.
No nerves, no second thoughts and no doubts, I swiftly walked up the steps to Haven’s apartment, remembering the last time I’d been here.
“Fuck me, Jude. I need you inside me now.” Haven’s begging was pushing me close to the edge. The need in her voice almost had me pushing her against the wall and tearing my jeans open to sink deep inside her. I took another step moving us up the stairs while her legs wrapped tighter around my waist.
“Not far now, baby. How badly do you need it? Tell me how bad.” I growled, biting down on her lip. The moan that came from my teasing sent more shockwaves directly to the raging hard-on straining against my jeans. Haven ground her hips forward when I dug my fingers into her ass cheeks where my hands took her weight.
“I need you now, Jude. I can’t wait any longer. I need you to push inside and pound into me until I scream. Her breathy words had me so excited I could barely stand it. I brought my mouth back down over hers and kissed her deep and hard. One of my hands slid on its own accord to the warmth between her legs. I already knew from her teasing that she was sans panties, but feeling the absence of them was still a turn on to say the least. I sunk two of my fingers into her warmth and rested my thumb against her clit.
“Holy fuck.” She groaned loudly, the sound echoing in the stairwell. Her legs tightened slightly and her hand came up into my hair, holding onto me for dear life. As I pumped my digits in and out, she matched each movement with her hips. Fucking my hand until she was keening with desperation.
We finally reached her door, and rather than finding her keys, I pulled my finger from inside her and licked them clean. Once I’d hurriedly unbuttoned my jeans, I lowered them slightly. As I pushed her up against her apartment door and slid inside her, I could have sworn everything went perfectly still, before we moved into a frenzy. The moment my dick entered her, she clamped her muscles down and arched her back. Her eyes rolled and she dug her nails into my shoulders.
“Fuck,” she cried out as she fell apart around me. I drew back and pounded into her, prolonging her release and bringing mine right to the edge. A loud roar come from my chest as I came.
I shook my head to clear the fog of breathy moans and swallowed sighs. I could still feel Haven’s screams of ecstasy reverberating through my chest as I knocked on her door. My jeans were uncomfortably tight. The evidence very apparent that she had that sort of effect on me.
“Down, boy, now’s not the time—” The door flung open to reveal Haven in a pair boy shorts and tank top, her ebony hair piled on top of her head.
I looked up from my crotch pep talk, taking in every inch of her body, the body I wanted nothing more than to claim at that very moment.
“Haven’t you had enough, cowbuh—?” She stopped mid-sentence when she realized it was me and not McFuckStick on the other side of her door. I didn’t much care at this point. I had come here with something to prove and nothing was going to stop me from doing just that.
“Haven…” I breathed, and before she could register is was me standing before her, I lurched forward and wrapped my arms around her tiny middle. I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her with my soul completely bared. It was as if she was the sun and I had been locked underground my entire life. My hands smoothed down her back and onto her ass. I squeezed with silent invitation for her to wrap herself around me like she had so many times before.
I pressed her against my still rigid cock, my tongue seeking entry into her mouth. “Let me in, Haven. I need to taste you,” I murmured and sealed my lips to hers once again.
It took her a second to register my request, but I felt her mouth part just enough for me to force it open. Our tongues swirling in unabashed passion that I remembered feeling many times over.
“No. Stop. Jude!” Haven put her hands on my chest and pushed. Hard. Her breathing was labored, as if she’d just come back from a run. “You can’t just walk in here and kiss me like that!” she screeched. “What were you thinking?” She tried to push me back toward the door, but to no avail. I was unmovable when it came to Haven, and this was no exception.
“Oh, don’t give me that, Haven!” I stomped further into her apartment. “You knew it was me and you wanted that kiss as much as I did.”
“Admit it. You missed me.” I turned around once I hit her kitchen, my arms crossed over my chest, a smirk played on my lips. She closed the door and turned, leaning against it as if she needed help holding herself up. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen from my kisses, but there was something missing. Her eyes were cold. Shut off, absent of the usual spark that was there when we held each other. The smirk died from my lips along with the raging hard-on between my legs.
The glare she gave me as she pushed off the door and marched toward me was icy at best. She pointed her finger at my chest as she came up to me. “You have no right to be here!” She poked me. “You,” poke “left,” poke “me,” poke” Asshole!”
I grabbed her finger before she could assault me with it again. “Stop,” I simply stated, my voice low. “I don’t want to fight with you, please, Haven.” I looked into her beautiful heart-shaped face. “Hear me out.”
She threw her hands up and growled in frustration. “What? What more could you possibly have to say to me?”
“A lot, actually.” I let my arms fall to my sides, my fingers aching with the need to touch her. “I need to apologize.”
“Fine.” She looked at me with distrust and curiosity. It wasn’t what I was hoping to see, but it was better than the cold indifference she flashed before.
“C-can we sit down?” I stuttered. My brows knitted together. My palms were sweating and my pulse kicked up a notch, while my stomach felt like cement had just been poured down my throat. I was on edge, the last thing I should feel when it came to her, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake it. This was Haven, after all. My Haven.
“Sure, I’ll meet you in the living room.” She flippantly waved me out of her way. “I need to get some water.”
I walked past her and sat on the edge of the sofa. My elbows rested on my knees, shoulders slumped, head lowered. I could still see her cute little ass in those boy shorts. “Hey, you mind throwing some clothes on?” I called out to her.
Haven peeked her head around the corner of the kitchen. “Seriously?” She rolled her eyes and walked down the hall. Not even a minute later, she emerged in a pair baggy sweats, sweats that weren’t mine.
I blinked rapidly, trying to clear the red of the rage I was feeling at seeing her in another man’s clothes. Rubbing my palms up and down the legs of my shorts, I needed to dispel my jealousy any way possible.
She stopped at the hall entrance, leaned her petite frame against the wall, a wall I fucked her against, and waited. I knew it was now or never, my mind racing with all the possible scenarios of how this was going to play out. I figured I’d start simple and go from there. “Haven, I’m sorry.”
Her eyebrow quirked. “How’d that taste on your tongue, Jude?” She crossed her arms across her breasts, pushing them higher in her low-cut tank top. “Was it bitter? Do you resent those words as much as you do me?” Her gaze narrowed. “Oh, wait, you don’t feel anything, do you? I mean, how could you? I was just someone you needed to fix! Well, guess what, I don’t need fixing.” Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “You can’t fix something you’re responsible for breaking!” Her tone hardened and I watched her swallow back her unshed tears. “I don’t need you anymore. I never needed you,” she seethed.
“Don’t say that, Haven.” Her word shot through me like a nasty arrow covered in hot lava.
“I wanted you. You had every opportunity when I wan
ted you, yet you didn’t want me.” She turned ever redder in the face, if at all possible, and glared though me. “It’s too little, too late. You should have fought then.”
I stood and spread my arms wide. My fingers splayed open. “What do you want from me, Haven? I’m trying to apologize and tell you I love you, yet you come at me guns hot, ripping me a new one without letting me get a word in edgeways!” I threw my arms up. “I mean, fuck!” My voice dropped in defeat. “I just need to explain.”
She blinked twice, her stance still unyielding and her eyes filled with contempt and pain. She nodded for me to continue.
“I was afraid, Haven. I was terrified of losing everyone I’d ever loved.” I told her earnestly.
Almost silently, she whispered, “Instead, you lost me.”
“What do you mean I lost you?”
I looked back briefly over my shoulder, hoping she wasn’t telling me what my heart was screaming. My posture resigned, I didn’t know if I could stand to hear her answer.
“I’ve fallen in love with someone else, Jude. Someone kind, and tender. Someone who wants me as much as I want him.” She closed her eyes. “Someone who deserves my love.”
She looked at my back; I could feel her stare hot on my neck. “He knows everything and loves me anyway. There is no fear, no hesitation.” Her voice was soft, as if it pained her to tell me as much as it did me to hear it. “He doesn’t feel obligated to me, I’m not a problem he needs to solve. He’s someone who deserves my love, Jude, and has shown me I deserve it, too.”
I whirled to face her, my face showing every bit of pain she inflicted with her words. “What do you mean, he knows everything?” I bit the words out. “That was ours, Haven.” I shook my head and walked out.
Everything that ever tied me to that beautiful woman, she’d given freely to someone else. I had no right to be mad about her telling anyone those secrets, but it still stung like a hot poker to the balls. Nothing we shared was just ours anymore. She’d let us go.
I’d lost her.
And in the process, I’d lost myself.
Haven
I sagged against the wall in exhaustion. Eyes closed, hot tears ran down into my still kiss-swollen lips. I licked them in reflex and felt my body respond.
Jude.
I could still taste him.
I dragged myself up quickly and grabbed a towel. I needed to erase any trace of him from me, from this place. I had new memories to look forward to, even if they were only for a limited amount of time.
I made my way back to my room. Jude’s belongings still lingered in the bag by the closet. I grabbed the ties, cinched it tightly and carried it to the chute. “Goodbye, Jude,” I whispered as I pushed the bag into the receptacle.
When I stepped back into my apartment and closed the door, I felt…empty. It was as if I just tossed a piece of my heart away in the garbage, and at the same time, I didn’t want it back. It was the part that was broken, black and scarred with a past I’d rather forget all together, a man I’d like to forget too.
But I knew deep down there would always be a part of me that loved Jude. He would be forever my first love. He’d stay in the tiniest corner of my heart, eternally. For all he was and all we had.
He had saved me. He had hurt me. He had mended and then damaged my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. And I had done the same to him.
I pushed off the door and padded back to my room. There was stuff strewn everywhere from my cleaning spree. “Huh,” I sighed. “You would never believe I did anything looking at this place.” My lips curved up, but dropped just a quickly.
The picture of Jude and me stared at me like a Cyclops’ laser ray. I grabbed it from its imposing position on the floor and stuffed it into my bottom night table drawer.
I patted the other contents of drawer down so it would close again. It was apparent I had more than just my closet to clean out; there was shit everywhere. I guessed I’d clean my drawers out next.
I finished picking up my discarded clothes and other oddities, a sweat breaking on my brow. I had a hamper full of laundry, but I was in no mood to do a wash. I opted for a cool shower instead. I needed something to distract me from my swirling thoughts of black hearts, pain meds, and sweet nothings told by the wrong people.
Unsure how long I stood under the lukewarm spray of my massage showerhead, when I emerged from the bathroom in my fuzzy robe and slippers, I felt better. My phone dinged, bringing me out of my pity party, and I went to retrieve it from the counter. I had two messages. One from Dylan and one from an unknown number.
I opened Dylan’s first. The other probably someone telling me I won some kind of cruise or shit.
Dylan: Want to see you again, sweetness. I just can’t get enough. XO
I clutched my phone to my chest. I knew I needed to tell him what just happened. We made a promise to be honest, and I wasn’t going to break it.
The blinking curser mocked me as I formulated my words, but nothing sounded right so I settled for:
When can I see you again?
I quickly opened the other text message.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: “You may want to get to the bar. Jude is trashed and talking shit.
Jimmy.
I saw it was a group text. It was also sent to my brothers.
Screw it. Let them handle it. Jude wasn’t my responsibility anymore. I shook my head. In fact, he never really was. My phone buzzed again; it was Dylan texting me back already.
Dylan: Now.
Just then, a knock sounded at my door. I knew this time it was him and not an unexpected visitor like earlier.
I let out a breath. Good, I could tell him what happened with Jude.
I dashed to the door, squealing in delight as I pulled the door open and almost fell over in my excitement to get to Dylan. I leapt into his arms, causing him to drop his bag.
“Whoa, sugar!”
He kissed my hair as I buried my face in his neck.
“I’ve missed you, too. I just couldn’t stay away.” I lifted my head up and looked at the man I loved and smiled, all my teeth showing. “You have a beautiful smile, sugar. Lights up your whole face.”
I slid down his body right there in the doorway. He leaned back and picked up the DVD he dropped when I jumped him, and walked inside my apartment.
My fingers were already itching to touch him again, so I wasted no time. I pulled him inside, letting him kick the door shut, and fused my mouth to his.
“Mmm…you taste so good. Let’s skip dinner and go straight for dessert.” He put his hands on my love-flushed cheeks and pecked my nose once more, side-stepping my efforts to get his belt undone. “Easy, sugar. We have all night. Let’s eat something first.”
I sighed in mock frustration, my smile showing my bluff. “Fine.” I pouted. “I’ll order pizza.” I bounded to the kitchen to grab the phone. It was evident I was beyond excited Dylan came over. After our long and exhausting last encounter, I figured he’d need a break.
Guess not.
I felt him come up behind me, the heat of his body radiating from him and seeping into me through my tank top.
“I love that you’re wearing my clothes. It’s incredibly sexy.” His breath was hot on my ear, his arms coming to rest around my abdomen. He pressed me against him, forcing my head to fall back against him.
I had the phone balanced against my shoulder, exposing a side of my neck that Dylan took no time to take advantage of. As he nibbled, I fought the moans threatening to escape before I wiggled far enough away to place our pizza order.
He looked at me with a sweetly wicked gleam in his eye, pizza the last thing on his mind as I asked, “What do you like on your pie?”
His eyes grew round and his lips quirked up. “Just cheese. I don’t like my food to touch.”
It was my turn to gawk. “What? It’s pizza!” I laughed at his silly quirk and placed an order for plain cheese pizza. “Hi, can I please order? One cheese only pizza,” I told the guy on the othe
r end of the phone. “Yes, that’s right. Please make sure there’s nothing else on there. Food shouldn’t touch each other.” I poked my tongue out at Dylan and smiled, stirring him up.
I laughed when Dylan raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Quickly, I rattled off my address to the pizza shop, all the while staring at the handsome man drumming his fingers on the countertop with his own eyebrow cocked to mimic mine, just waiting for his revenge.
When I hung up the phone, he grabbed me, wasting no time at claiming my mouth with his. He sucked my bottom lip and let it go with a pop. “So you think it’s funny, huh?” Dylan’s hands rested on my hips. His fingers slid up under my tank top, grazing my rib cage.
I gazed into his handsome face and made a show of complying. “Uh-huh.” My mouth agape, my eyes danced with humor.
I thought he was going to pull me closer; his expression gave me the impression I was about to be kissed senseless. I closed my eyes, my smirk sinking and a sigh of desire taking over. “Oh!” I jumped, not able to go far because of Dylan’s vise-grip on my middle, his fingers digging into my sides tickling the ever living shit out of me.
“Stop! Stop!” I cried through my laughter. I bucked and twisted, trying to disengage my body from his.
“Nah-ah, sugar! You wanted funny. Laugh it up.” He was breathless but giddy as we wrestled in the kitchen.
I finally managed to get away, only to have him chase me around my apartment, both of us in hysteric fits of laughter. I plopped down on the sofa, trying to catch my breath and he came down on top of me.
“Still think I’m funny, sugar?” His face was just a few inches from mine. I nodded, my face frozen with joy.
He leaned down and caressed my lips with his. It was feather-soft at first, his hands on either side of my body to keep his weight off me. I pulled my arms from over my head and around any part of Dylan I could. My legs found his waist, my arms his neck, where I could play in the softness of his hair that grazed his shirt collar.
“Take me to the bedroom,” I murmured.