by Robyn Carr
It was a home that had been abandoned and he had done nothing to make it his. He hadn’t really tried to wipe out the past and start from scratch.
She tossed her purse on the sofa and sat down. “Tell me why you’re so angry,” she said.
“Do you really have to ask me?” he said. “You’re going to get in touch with the slimeball who put you through so much!”
“You’re pacing,” she said. “Please stop. Please sit down and talk to me.”
He sat, but he wasn’t happy about it. “Ginger, he’s not worth your time.”
“I completely agree,” she said. “There’s absolutely no threat in asking him what’s so urgent. I don’t love him, Matt. I don’t even like him very much anymore. Do you trust me? Do you believe I won’t lie to you? Because I won’t lie to you. I love you.”
He reached for her hand. “I want you to hate him,” he said. Simple and straightforward.
“There’s a part of me that does hate him. At least I resent what he did.”
“He used you!”
“I think you’re right. And I let him. In fact, I nearly invited him to use me. I’m never going to let that happen to me again. What are you afraid of? That I’ll give him a kidney?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised...”
“Oh, Matt,” she said, a slight chuckle coming out of her in spite of it all. “If you like, I’d be happy for you to listen to the conversation. I’ll call him from your phone and you can listen in.”
“Why? Just tell me why? You don’t owe him anything!”
“Not for him,” she said. “For me! Matt, I want to be finished with Mick but not bitter. We were wrong for each other and that might’ve been more my fault than his.”
“You excuse him! Over and over!”
“No!” she said. “No, I don’t excuse his behavior! I don’t know how he lives with himself. But I’m not going to carry hate into our future. I made quite a few misjudgments with Mick. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place and I never should have tricked myself into thinking an innocent baby would change our relationship.”
“How do you accept all that so calmly?” he nearly raged. “Oh, I made a little mistake, let’s all just let it go and forget about it!”
“Matt, stop that. I don’t know who you’re really angry with. Is it your ex-wife that makes you so furious? Is it me? Is it Mick, who you’ve never met?”
“I hate my ex-wife,” he said, looking away.
“I can’t help you with that,” she said. “But I can tell you it won’t help anything. And it probably won’t be good for us.”
“Why?” he said. “They’re not going to be a part of us!”
“You’re turning that anger on me,” she said. “You’re having trouble trusting me because you couldn’t trust Natalie. I’m not talking about a little anger that burns out quickly. It’s like a cancer, eating away at you. It’s not good.”
“How would you feel if I wanted to get together with Natalie?” he shouted.
“Maybe you should because you’re not at peace with your decision to get a divorce. Are you going to build your life around hating her? And being bitter about her?” She could see this was going nowhere. Matt didn’t realize most of his anger was with himself. He, like Ginger, was starting to realize he was a participant in whatever had gone wrong. He wasn’t at fault, but he was a part of it even if the only thing he was guilty of was marrying her in the first place.
“Before we can make a new start you have to come to terms with your divorce. You did the right thing—it wasn’t going to work. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be mad at her anymore—it’s over. And you don’t have to distrust me.
“If you don’t want me to talk to Mick, I won’t,” she said quietly. “But it won’t be about me talking to Mick. It’ll be about you. You and your pain and anger.”
“Do whatever you want,” he said. “I’m going to bed.”
Ginger stayed on the couch. She looked at his sparsely furnished apartment with the naked walls. This wasn’t just because he was a guy and couldn’t be bothered. He’d been talking about the house he wanted to build in great detail and he wanted it to be beautiful and welcoming. He described a nurturing place, a family place filled with love and comfort. This apartment was to Matt what a tombstone was to a cemetery.
She tried to imagine him bringing women here. It didn’t seem particularly satisfying. He must have felt he was trying to fill an empty spot.
She gave him plenty of time before she went to the bedroom. She slipped off her summer dress, brushed her teeth and slid in beside him. He took her instantly into his big, strong arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was angry. I hate that bastard.”
“I know. And not just a little angry.”
“I don’t like it. I won’t talk to you that way again.”
She snuggled closer. “I hope not, Matt. It hurts. I haven’t done anything to warrant that kind of anger. But maybe I will someday. Then what?”
“You won’t,” he said. “I know you won’t. We love each other.”
“Oh, I won’t do what Natalie did,” she said. “I won’t do what Mick did. But I might defy you in some way and you’ll turn into Mad Matt. I don’t want to be with Mad Matt.”
“Never again, I promise.”
She turned in his arms, kissed his bristly chin and said, “Can you listen to me without getting angry? Because there’s something I want to say to you. And I don’t want to ever be afraid you’re going to flip out.”
“Say it. You can say anything.”
“I’m glad we have the harvest, my love,” she said. “We need the time, you and I. I’ll do anything I can to help but I think it’s important to get beyond these people from our pasts that hurt us.”
“I am beyond it,” he said. “I haven’t said I want to see Natalie.”
“I want you to see her,” she said.
He actually jumped a little in surprise. “You can’t want that!”
“I do. I think it would be good if you talked with her for a while. See if you can understand rather than blame her.”
“But Ginger, it’s her fault!” he said. “I was good to her. I tried, for God’s sake.”
“And now you have to try to forgive her,” she said. “I don’t want to bring that hate and anger into our future.”
“I promise I won’t let that happen to us,” he said.
“It’ll happen. I’m not going to be a perfect wife, sweetheart. I’m already failing you as a fiancée—just the threat of talking to Mick made you wild with anger. I’m sure there will be things I do or say that you hate, that make you so angry.”
“Everyone gets a little pissed sometimes...”
She shook her head. “I’m not talking about a little grumpy or upset. I know what it is to be mad—I hung up on Mick the last time I talked to him. I’m talking about that rage you feel when you think you’re not in control anymore. I don’t want to take that forward. I want to go forward with joy. I want the past to be really in the past. I can’t tell you how to feel but I think the person you really need to forgive is yourself. We’re not perfect human beings. We all make terrible mistakes. Forgive her, Matt. If you ever figure out your part in it, forgive yourself. Then we can move on.”
He was silent for a moment. Then he growled and turned away from her.
She stroked his back. “I don’t want you to hurt over it anymore, that’s all.” Because, she thought, we can’t make a good marriage on the foundation of all that rage and pain. “Maybe I don’t know anything, but it seems if you were over it then being with me now would bring you more contentment. Peace of mind. And this doesn’t feel like contentment and peace of mind.”
Even though he had presented his back to her, she curled up to him and eventually went to sleep. Deep in the night she felt his hands on her, his lips on her neck and breast. His touch was so precious to her; she responded to him so naturally. She opened up to
him immediately, returned his kisses, held him close, moved with him, took him into her and experienced all the rapture their intimacy always provided. He was slow and gentle until she encouraged him to be a little more urgent and he did what he did best, brought her the ultimate pleasure.
Then he held her close and gently stroked her naked body.
She was almost back to sleep when his gravelly voice came in the night. “I think you have to stop reading psychology or self-help books. We’re fine.”
* * *
In the morning Ginger was getting ready to leave while Matt scrambled them some eggs. They sat side by side on the sofa, holding their breakfast on trays on their knees. There was tension most obvious by their pleasantness to each other. After helping to wash up the dishes she said, “I know you’re itching to get out to the farm and I have a long drive.”
He nodded and pulled her close. “Let’s not fight,” he whispered into her hair. “Please.”
“Let’s not,” she said. “Matt, think about getting out of here. This apartment. You hate it and it’s not a home to you. It’s a couple of rooms. And it eats at you.”
“Where do you suggest I go?” he said, and she could see that dark look coming into his eyes again.
“I don’t know. Go home. I think you stay there half the time anyway.”
“Where will we go when you come to the farm?” he asked. “You know for the next several weeks I can’t get to Thunder Point. You said you’d come up here. I need you beside me.”
“It doesn’t matter about me,” she said. “We could get a room somewhere. We could camp in the hayloft or even stay with my parents. It’s just that... Listen, you eat at your mother’s table because there’s comfort there. You stay at the farm because it’s warm with allies, with family. This apartment is functional but I think it’s like nettles in your underwear. Could be time for a fresh start.”
“I’ll have a fresh start when my house is ready.”
“That’s a long time for you to be itchy and cranky.”
“If we don’t talk about all the difficult stuff, starting with our exes...”
“It wouldn’t have worked for me,” she said, shaking her head. “I couldn’t have stayed in my little rented house and just kicked Mick out. I had my marriage in that house and even though I wanted to end it and ending it was the right thing to do, if I’d stayed there I think it would’ve been harder for me to move on. You’re not happy here. This isn’t your home anymore. And I’m not ever going to live here with you. There’s a barrier.”
He glanced away from her. She could see his jaw tense.
“Just think about it, Matt,” she said. “I’ll still come to the farm to help during the harvest. I’m excited about it. You have family sleeping in every nook when they come to help—I can, too. I’ll bed down with you in the back of your truck! We’ll find a way to be together.”
“Then we’ll get married,” he said.
“You won’t have time to think about anything but grapes and pears and potatoes for a while. Let’s resolve a few things after the harvest. I love you very much.”
* * *
When Ginger was back in Thunder Point people were very anxious to know how her weekend with Matt and the family went. She put on a smiling face and said it was great. But then she looked for a time Peyton might be able to sneak away for a talk. “How about an ice cream sundae at the diner?” she asked.
“Sure. Things are quiet at about two and Scott’s in the clinic. Want to meet then?”
Once they had a booth and their sundaes in front of them, they could talk. “So, did Matt win the Dysart seal of approval?”
“Oh, absolutely. But remember, he knew my dad and at least one of my brothers. Apparently they’ve done business together over the years. We had a nice time.”
Peyton tilted her head and peered at Ginger. “Why do I sense something’s wrong?”
“Well, something might be wrong. Maybe we’ll just get beyond it easily. Matt lost his temper while we were there. Over something stupid.”
“Uh-oh. Mad Matt?”
“One and the same,” Ginger said.
“Mind if I ask what stupid thing?”
“My mother passed on a message that my ex-husband, who doesn’t have my number anymore, wanted to talk to me. He said it was urgent and I said I’d give him a call. Matt went ballistic.”
Peyton shook her head sympathetically. “Would you believe I’ve been there?”
“Really? But you and Scott have been together forever!” Ginger said.
“Not exactly,” Peyton said. “I had just broken up with someone when I took the job in his clinic. I fell for Scott pretty quick. But then the ex called to say he needed my help and sweet, gentle Scott threw a hissy.” She whistled. “It was impressive.”
“Hard to imagine Scott in a temper...”
“I know. But trust me—he went over the top.”
“And what did you do?”
“Well, as it turned out, it wasn’t my ex but his daughter who needed help. Scott was in no frame of mind to listen or understand so I cut him out of the loop.”
Ginger shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“Oh, Scott was throwing around ultimatums and acting like an ass so I just did what I had to do. I did try to patiently explain to Scott that he was going to feel like an ass when he finally understood my situation. I drove to Portland, helped the girl the best I could, told the ex to get his shit together before he lost his whole family, came back to Thunder Point and duked it out with Scott. And I was right—he felt like a fool. He hasn’t acted like that big an idiot since.”
“Let me ask you something,” Ginger said. “Is Matt known for that? A temper?”
Peyton shook her head. “He’s always been the sweetest-natured guy in the family. George is very silent and steady. Sal is a little like Paco—melodramatic and interfering. I’m like Mama—serious and sometimes quietly controlling, Mikie is a comedian who seems like he doesn’t take anything seriously and yet he’s close to a PhD in biochem, but Matt has always been a happy guy. Pretty laid-back and easygoing. Until his divorce. That seemed to take a lot out of him.”
“He’s not real happy right now. And he’s going to be less happy. He basically told me to get over it but he’s in for a surprise. I’m not going to set a date until we’re beyond the harvest and I can see whether he’s going to be sweet Matt or Mad Matt. I’m sure it’s still about his divorce. I understand, I really do. And I’m sympathetic—I have some of that baggage myself. I was married to an idiot myself and it’s not easy letting go of it. But he has to deal with his ex, bring it to a close. I refuse to bring her into our relationship, even if it’s just in the form of Matt’s emotional baggage.”
“I thought he was past that!”
“You did? Weren’t you at your own wedding when Matt was drunk as a skunk? When I shoved him and nearly knocked him out?” Ginger asked with a lift of one brow.
“So,” Peyton said, dipping her spoon into her sundae. “What’s wrong with him now?”
“I suspect a long list, all having to do with our ex-spouses. He blew a gasket when I suggested he talk to Natalie and see if he can lay some ghosts to rest before we try to start a new life together.”
“You suggested that?” Peyton asked.
She nodded. “I understand being crazy mad at your ex,” Ginger said. “Mick has the ability to make me want to choke him! I called him an asshole and hung up on him the last time we talked, and that wasn’t very long ago! I can’t recall that anger lasting and I never turned it on Matt. I think he has stuff to deal with. I wish he’d do so.” She sighed and said, “Instead, he told me to stop reading self-help books because we’re fine. Peyton, I love him very much, but we’re not fine. I’m not going to marry a man who lays down laws for me. Whereas my ex didn’t care what I did as long as he had no responsibility, Matt has decided what I can and can’t do. That’s not going to work. He has to make peace with that failed marriage before
he has another one.”
“This could be a challenge,” Peyton said. She took another spoonful of ice cream. “He is a man. Not exactly the best at introspection, men.”
“Peyton, I know you and Matt have a very loyal and loving relationship, but please let me deal with this without confronting him,” Ginger said. “Yet, I have to ask, if you have any advice for me based on the fact that you know him better than almost anyone, I’ll take it. Happily. I want it to work. But I’m not going to make another mistake by refusing to see the real man.”
“I have some advice,” she said immediately. “Stand your ground.” She took another spoonful of ice cream. “Don’t let him bully you. Don’t take any shit.”
“I won’t.”
“What are you going to do about your ex?” Peyton asked.
“Oh, I’m going to call him. I’m going to find out what he wants. I might hang up on him again. I might even call him a very bad name first. But the best way for me to be free of him, of the mistakes we made, is to be honest with him and with myself. If he doesn’t hear me, not my problem.”
“How long are you going to let this go on?” Peyton asked. “Because I let my ex suck me back in over and over. The new guy didn’t stand a chance because I was still trying to figure out how to make an old relationship right.”