by Kaylee, Katy
“You don’t think they’ve tried that?” my father asked.
I remembered Ben was barely able to stand straight. It didn’t seem like he could think straight. “I think you’re better at it,” I said going for flattery.
“Did you see there,” I pointed a property on Broadway. “Perfect place for a club or a restaurant. Look at this place in Hampton Bays.” I moved the paperwork so he could see the older home renovated into a hotel, with cottages on the water. It’s not far from your place there, Kade.”
“It’s all fine and good—”
“And a steal,” I said.
My father shook his head. “Most of McAdams is commercial property, not quite our wheelhouse.”
“So, we bring Ben and Beth in. Let them manage it.”
My father laughed. “They’re the ones letting it sink, Ash. I’d be an idiot to put them in charge.”
My gut burned, even though I knew he was right. “They’ll have Raven resources and knowledge to help.”
My father sat back and studied me, as Kade reached over to look at some of the papers I’d set on the desk.
“Beth has grown into a beautiful young woman,” my father said.
Kade’s eyes widened as he looked at me. I could see he was curious as to why my father would say that.
“She has,” I agreed. Did he know I was with her now as he had six years ago?
“Now you’re both old and wise enough—”
I held up a hand. “Don’t you dare.”
Kade’s brows rose even higher.
“You totally fucked up my life and hers,” I said, working to maintain my anger.
“So now you make it right.”
I laughed derisively. “It doesn’t work like that, dad. Maybe you should have had your epiphany about the importance of family six years ago.”
“That was Alex,” Kade said. “And are you saying you and Beth—”
“The point is, Ash, you’re both grown up. And old man McAdams isn’t in the way anymore. He was the one so adamant about you staying away with Beth. I didn’t care.”
“Bullshit.”
He shrugged. “He asked me to intervene, and I did because he made some valid points. You were young and just starting out. I might think having a family can be stabilizing, but not when you’re starting your business. You need to be one-hundred-and-ten percent focused.”
“Why would McAdam’s care about Ash and Beth?” Kade asked the question ripe in my mind.
My father shrugged. “Who knows. He was protective of her, I guess. And it’s no secret that he and I had our own issues.”
“So why go along with him?” I asked.
“Trying to make nice. We had some joint business potential at the time. I figured I owed him since I won your mother.”
“What?” Kade and I said together.
My father rose from his chair and went to pour his own drink. “He fancied your mom, but I won. He was a little bitter about that. Of course, his Kate was a lovely woman. He was a difficult man though, and I couldn’t blame her for leaving him to live in Europe.”
He stood by the window looking out over the city. “I went to see him just before he died. He actually told me he’d find your mother in heaven and win her back.” My father laughed at that. Kade and I looked at each other finding the conversation strange.
“How did you respond?” Kade asked.
My father turned to us. “I told him he was kidding himself if he thought he was going to heaven.”
It seemed like a harsh thing to say to a dying man. “Did he say anything to that?” I asked.
He nodded. “He said, ‘Well, when it’s your time, Cam, I guess I’ll see you in hell.’ I don’t doubt he’s right.” He came back to the desk. “It’s nice you want to help Ben and Beth, but this isn’t a good business deal. If you want to help, go marry Beth.”
I nearly did a spit-take.
Kade grinned and then frowned. “Wait, that would make me the only bachelor brother.” Then he shrugged. “More women for me, I guess.” He downed his drink and put his glass on the bar. “I think we should look closer at this dad.”
“I already said—”
“You’re biased,” Kade interrupted. “You always said, don’t let emotion get in the way. What you two need is an outside opinion. I’ll bring this to Chase and we can look it over. Hunter too. Let us decide.”
“Sounds fair,” I said. I knew my brothers were clever and creative enough to see the value in the business.
My father shrugged. “Let them see what they can do with it. But I’m telling you, even the Titanic couldn’t be saved. As grand as she was, she sunk.”
As I was leaving, Kade rode the elevator down with me.
“Thanks for backing me up,” I said.
“I haven’t yet. I’m intrigued, but I can’t make any promises.”
“I understand. I still appreciate your taking a look.”
He cut me a glance. “So, what’s the deal with Beth. She was the one dad made you break off with?”
I nodded. “I didn’t know you knew about that.”
“Chase said dad had made you cut ties with a woman when he brought you into the business. I remember seeing you and Beth hang out some over that summer, but I was still in college, so I didn’t know what had happened or that you two were a thing.”
“It was her.”
“And now? You still like her.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “I don’t think I ever stopped liking her.”
“Ben’s alright with his friend being with his sister?”
I scoffed. “Not even a little bit.”
“Ouch. Dad’s new deal must have fried your ass, huh? I mean, you had what he said he wants now, but he took that from you.”
I nodded. “That about says it.”
“So, what are you going to do? Is saving her business some grand gesture?”
I shook my head. “Not the business. I just feel bad for them. It’s not their fault the business is struggling. At least not entirely,” I said as I thought of Ben and his drinking problem. “I think it could be a good asset for us, and give them a new lease on life.”
“You were always the sappiest one of us.”
I smiled, taking the barb. “Hunter’s gotten pretty sappy.”
Kade thought about that for a moment. “You’re right. Chase is a close second.”
“What’s wrong with sap anyway,” I asked. “You have something against love?”
“I can’t imagine any woman making me lose my mind the way the rest of you have.”
I smiled as the doors opened to let us out of the lobby. “Ah little brother, I look forward to the day when a woman makes you lose your mind.”
20
Beth – Saturday
I headed to Morgan’s apartment near Inwood to pick up Hannah the next morning. Ben was sleeping off his bender, and if I was lucky, he’d forget about catching me having sex with Ash on the couch. I still couldn’t believe what happened last night and how close Ben had come to exposing my secret about Hannah. For a man who wanted Ash out of our life, he nearly made sure Ash would be a permanent part of it.
When I arrived, I knocked, and heard a “Come in.” I opened the door and walked in. Morgan was making breakfast in the tiny kitchen, while Hannah was sitting at the table coloring.
“Mommy! Look at my picture.” She held up a paper with a picture of two people that I guessed were me and her.
“Oh, it’s wonderful,” I said kissing her on the head. “Thank you so much, Morgan.”
“No prob. You know I love this little munchkin. You’re just in time for breakfast.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to be in the way.”
“Sit.” Morgan brought a plate filled with pancakes and bacon and set it on the table.
“Yeah!” Hannah bounced up and down in her chair. “Can I have syrup and powdered sugar?”
Morgan looked at me with guilty eyes. “Ah…”
&nbs
p; “Really? You let her have both?” I asked taking a seat next to Hannah.
“Usually.”
I rolled my eyes, but since we were in Morgan and her mother’s apartment, I didn’t feel I could veto the move. Of course, I was going to be the one dealing with Hannah’s sugar high.
“Yum!” Hannah said as she sprinkled powdered sugar on her pancake and then doused it in syrup.
“How is your mom?” I asked opting for a little butter and less syrup.
Morgan sat with us. “She’s still in bed. She’s tired. More than usual, but she’s a fighter.”
Of all the guilt I had, one of the biggest regrets I had was having to let Morgan’s mother go as our housekeeper. She was such a lovely woman, and I should have had the money to allow her a comfortable retirement, especially since she seemed to be having some health issues.
“So… what happened with Ash?” Morgan’s eyes glinted with interest.
I glanced at Hannah. “We talked. I got mad. He said all the right things. We ended up on the couch.” I wiggled my brows to let her know we weren’t dressed at the time. “Then Ben walked in and … well, he wasn’t happy.”
“He’s sick,” Hannah told Morgan. “Sometimes he’s weird when he’s sick.”
My stomach sank. Guilt piled on guilt. Hannah shouldn’t be seeing that.
“So how do you feel about it all?” Morgan asked.
“I don’t know. There are moments when I feel like all my prayers could be answered. But most of the time I feel like I’m moving from one crisis to another. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together.”
“You’ll pull through,” Morgan put an arm around me.
There was more guilt from my feeling sorry for myself. Morgan had it harder than me. “There’s interest in the house which will allow Hannah-Banana and me to start over.”
“I wish you weren’t planning to leave,” Morgan said. I had to admit, it would be hard to leave her. She had been my rock through all our hardships. And one of the only people who stuck by Ben and me now that we were broke.
“Where are we going, Mommy?” Hannah asked with a mouthful of bacon.
“Chew your food, baby. Right now, nowhere, but remember we talked about moving to a new place.”
Hannah shrugged. “I like it here.”
“I know.” I’d hoped we’d be able to move before school started to make it easier for her.
“Can I go play?”
I wiped off her face and sticky fingers. “Yes, but quietly. Morgan’s mom is still resting.”
I helped Hannah down from her chair at the table. She took her paper and crayons into the living room.
“I know you’re eager to start over, but what if Ash says he wants a relationship with you? I mean he’s giving all the signs. Saying the right things,” Morgan repeated the words I’d recounted.
“You know why that can’t happen.” I nodded toward Hannah in the other room.
Morgan sighed and looked away. She thought like Ben did, that it was wrong to keep the truth from Ash. When she looked back, I knew she wasn’t done with the topic. “Have you considered that maybe it could turn out okay? I mean he’s showing the signs he likes you. And you said yourself that he walked away and then didn’t respond to your letter, so he’d have to realize why he didn’t know about Hannah until now.”
She had a point that I should have told him when he first came back into my life. “What if he wants nothing to do with being a father? I don’t want Hannah rejected that way.”
She pursed her lips at me. “Now you’re just hunting for excuses not to tell him. You can tell him without her knowing, so if he decides he doesn’t want the responsibility, she won’t know she was rejected. But from what you’ve said, it seems unlikely he’d reject either of you.”
“I don’t know, Morgan,” I said look at my sweet girl coloring in the other room. “If it didn’t work out, he could get custody. I could lose her.”
“That’s hogwash and you know it. You’re a good mom. No judge in the country would take away your rights to her. Sure, you’d have to share, but Beth, he is the father. He has rights too.”
More guilt. I was going to be crushed by guilt.
“There’s something else to consider,” she added.
“God, I’m not sure I can handle more.”
“Hannah.”
“What about her?” I asked.
“Someday she’s going to want to know about her father.”
I remembered she’d already asked. As she went to school and met more kids with dads in their lives, she’d probably ask more.
“The older she gets, the more she’ll understand about these things. She might even hunt him down. What sort of relationship will you have with her when she discovers you’ve been lying to her?”
“I’m not lying.” I defended myself, albeit weakly.
Morgan gave me the look that said I was lying to myself. And I was. Hannah would likely be angry if she learned I kept her from her father. But I still felt like the risk was too much to take. His finding out could risk me losing the one good thing in my life. I’d protect that at all costs, right or wrong.
Hannah stood up from where she was drawing and came into the kitchen. “I’m done, Mommy. Can we go to the park?”
“Absolutely,” I said glad for the opportunity to move to a new topic. “Want to join us?” I asked Morgan.
She shook her head. “No. I need to stay with mom. I told her I’d be around today.”
“Let me know if there’s something I can do for her. I know I don’t have much, but I feel indebted.”
“You’ve done plenty. And she gets so much joy from visiting with Hannah.”
I hugged Morgan, “Thank you again.”
We took the subway back near our place and I took her over to Central Park to play. Hannah was running and jumping and exploring without a care in the world. Her smile was huge, much like the one her father had when he was happy. What struck me was how easily joy infused Hannah. Was I ever that filled with bliss?
Over the last five years, I’d worked to grow up, get my education, build a career, and more than anything, be a great mom to my daughter. Until my father’s illness, that plan was working. Mostly. Working in my dad’s company hadn’t been my dream in life, but it was a career. We lived in Europe, where Hannah was learning multiple languages. My mother wasn’t the warmest person, but Hannah enjoyed spending time with her.
Back in the United States, caring for Hannah and my father took all my time. I trusted Ben to deal with the business, which turned out to be a mistake. He said that dad had made a few bad decisions, but told me not to worry about it. But as time went on, Ben struggled, turning more and more to the bottle as the stress consumed him. He didn’t ask me to help, although I’m not sure I’d have had the time between my father and Hannah. Nor did I know if I had the answers. My dad had been the mogul. If he’d made bad decisions, who was I to know how to fix them?
I should have felt like life was getting better. With some of our assets sold, the financial situation, while still bad, wasn’t as bad as it had been. So why did I feel like my life was about to come crumbling down?
I knew Ben was grappling with declaring bankruptcy. At this point, it was probably the best answer. We couldn’t pull this company back from the drink, nor pay all the creditors. Bankruptcy was the only chance we’d have to get out from under the burden of all the debt. We’d have little to no money, but we wouldn’t owe millions either.
This was why moving was the best option for me and Hannah. We could start over. I might be broke, but I had marketable skills. Hannah would be in school, so I’d be able to get a job and work during school hours. Or maybe I’d freelance or consult, giving me even more flexibility. I could possibly even work from home.
Moving away would also get us away from all the history I had in New York, including Ash. I’d feel bad for leaving Ben, but I was losing hope that he’d ever get better. My love for him was beginning to
turn to resentment, which wouldn’t be good for either of us.
“Mommy!” Hannah ran up to me holding a little flower. “Look what I found.”
“It’s so pretty.”
“It’s for you.” Hannah thrust it toward me. Then she gave me a hug. These spontaneous expressions of her affection made my day.
I’m going to make it alright for you, baby, I vowed. Ash would too. A voice inside my head pointed out. It was right. Ash could solve all our problems. He’d probably be a great father too. For a moment, I let myself imagine what a life with him could be like. Us as a family. Going to the park. Having meals together. Maybe having more children.
Maybe in a different world that could have happened. But now I was broke. Ben was sick and hated Ash. And in the end, I was too afraid to take the risk that he might take her away from me. All Ash could be to me was a dream that never came true. We had that one perfect summer, but that was it.
“I want to see Balto,” Hannah said, referring to the statue of the hero canine that helped bring medicine to Nome, Alaska. He was so famous and beloved; a statue had been erected in his honor here in Central Park.
“Okay, baby.” I took her hand and we started walking to where the statue stood. We needed to enjoy as much of New York as we could, because, in a few months, we’d be moving across the country.
21
Ash – Sunday
I have always felt a little outside my family. I tended to be an introvert growing up, preferring books and computers to being around others. My father’s efforts to turn us into competitors instead of a team widened the gap between my brothers and me. Not that we didn’t have some level of care and even loyalty to each other, but until my father enacted his crazy new plan, the four of us brothers were islands unto ourselves.
Now there was something more drawing us together, but I still felt outside of it. Chase had Sara who was very pregnant. Shortly, we’d all be heading up to Niagara Falls to see Hunter and Grace get married. Watching Chase and Hunter, I could see contentment in them that I envied. They also had a closeness to each other that I hadn’t seen before the women came into their lives.