“I calmed down with that, Mike. Maybe you should too.’’
He eyed me sideways and chuckled some more before he cocked his head on one side. “Believe me, I calmed down.’’
I frowned at him and tugged on my lip ring. Something didn’t sit well with me. I knew him too well to not know when he had something up his sleeve that wouldn’t make me happy. I braced myself.
* * *
BROOKLYN
I pushed open the door and walked into Lenny’s. It was crowded with students and high schoolers during summer break. I shook my head at two guys trying a pathetic attempt to chat up one of the waitresses to give them a stronger drink than the coke they were allowed. Too bad they chose Laura because even if this girl looked naïve and innocent with her big green eyes and soft blonde hair, she was one tough girl. We all wondered if she spit in drinks of those who annoyed her. In fact, knowing that I wasn't her favorite person on earth, I never ordered my drinks or food from her. Tempting fate wasn't exactly my idea of fun.
I waved at Helen, a single mother, hardworking and sweet. She was patiently waiting for an old couple's order and they didn't look like they would be ready any time soon. Helen nodded back at me and focused back on her customers. She really should teach me some patience, maybe it'd increase tips from some customers, the ones not that interested in tipping me for wearing tight and short shorts paired with low cut tops. It wouldn’t hurt me to be more patient with the annoying patrons tipping me for flirting with them.
And then, as I made my way to the bar, my eyes caught the sight of curly dark hair, the same hair I enjoyed tugging when I made out with him. I smiled and walked to him before I realized who he was talking to. I frowned and put my game face on. Nolan was sitting on the high stool beside Mike, I should have known. After all, when Nolan was in high school, Lenny's had been his hangout spot, his favorite place to pick up girls from what I heard. He's wearing some expensive black jeans hanging low on his narrow hips and a dark green tee-shirt with white block letters "Be warned, I could write a book about you". I’d forgotten he could be such a dork with his t-shirts sometimes. I rolled my eyes and walked between the two guys.
"Brooklyn, babe, see who's here," Mike said, his hand now possessively on my ass. I glanced at Mike's face and fought the urge to roll my eyes again. He's smirking at his old friend.
Every day, I wonder to myself why I was still dating this guy. He was quite good-looking with his curly dark hair, dark eyes and kissable lips, and the guy had a body made to attract females, but he was way too annoying most of the time. I had my fun with him, but he was starting to think that I was falling for him and he enjoyed it a little too much for my liking. I went out with him in the first place because I knew about his reputation as a womanizer and I needed the distraction.
Nolan lost the little color he had to his cheeks as he took in Mike's words and his grip on my ass. It must have been weird for him to see me with one of his buddies, a man six years older than me. With his teeth he played with the loop in his lower lip and nodded at me.
"We saw each other last night," I said with a shrug and Mike snickered. He kissed my neck and while I usually didn't care about PDA, feeling Nolan's eyes on us made me feel both smug and uneasy.
“Look who’s here all grown up, Big No.’’ he taunted Nolan with his nickname I knew I could never use again. I didn't even remember who gave it to him and why it stuck.
"It's Monday, Mike. What are you doing here?" I butted in before Nolan could answer. I didn't want to hear anything about me coming from his mouth.
Mike glanced at his watch, a watch his daddy bought him, and groaned. "I have to go." He leaned into me, kissed me deeply and thoroughly before he waved at Nolan and walked away, putting on his Rayban sunglasses. I shook my head and sat on the vacated stool.
"You and Mike, huh?"
I waved at Dan, the bartender and he smiled at me, already pouring me a big mug of coffee, just like every morning when I was here. "Here you go, pretty," he said with a wink and I chuckled. That man was twice my age but he loved to flirt with everybody, even though he had a long term boyfriend at home.
Nolan scowled, but he busied himself with his coke. I took a sip of my coffee, careful not to burn myself.
"Mike and I, so what?"
It was hard for me to look at him. I ran a hand in my hair, bringing some locks in front of my eyes. Even by the dim light in the bar, the red locks mixed with the brown ones caught the attention.
"He's not one for relationships." He took a sip of his coke, his Adam's apple jumping. "And he's too old."
I chuckled and waved him off. I turned toward him on the stool and locked my brown eyes with his hazel ones. "Don't fool yourself, Nolan, I'm not looking for a relationship either. I'm "dating" an older guy who is a womanizer because I want some fun." I looked around us, at my little world in which he didn't have a place anymore. "I'm not naïve and I am certainly not innocent."
He leaned towards me, his eyes really looking at me, as if he was seeing the things I kept hidden and not just seeing what was visible. "What happened to you?"
I stood up ready to leave and escape his scrutiny. "I grew up alone."
I’d taken two steps when his voice stopped me. “I’d really like to catch up, Little B.’’
I closed my eyes. My anger flared, but I couldn't let it free. I didn't want to show him how affected I was. Because even now, angry, hurt and lost at seeing him again, I couldn’t just ignore him. I had never been able to forget him. "Come back here tonight at eight.’’
* * *
NOLAN
Little B and Mike. I wanted to bleach my eyes and erase that image from my brain, even now, hours later. The way he kissed her as if ready to fuck her there in the bar for everybody to see, it sickened me. If he did this to any other female I wouldn’t give a fuck because they’d be entitled to do whatever the hell they wanted, but Little B? That’s another story.
Back in high school, Mike made a sport of taking girls’ virginity and dumping them afterward. He had had threesomes, he cheated on all his “girlfriends’’ and only went to them when he needed to fuck his problems out of his system. I did the same, but I never went for girls I admired or cared about because I’d never been that fucked up. This time around, Mike was messing with the wrong girl.
“We never thought we’d see you again, Big No,’’ Leo said, one of my old buddies.
I looked back to him and tried to ignore the urge to punch my old best friend’s face whose eyes were taking in way too much every woman’s skin on display walking around Lenny’s, considering he’s off the market. “I wasn’t exactly planning on coming back to be honest.’’
“How long are you staying?’’
“Don’t know. A few days to check on my mother and then I’ll head back to NYC.’’
The guys nodded solemnly at the mention of my mother, but neither of them said anything. It’s been six years, but they all know how my mother screwed up and she’s still a sore subject. I had yet to see her. I was supposed to go today, but instead I spent the day walking around town while trying to push away the image of Mike’s hand on Little B’s ass while his tongue was down her throat.
“Well it’s good to see you again,’’ Leo said and held up his beer bottle in a silent toast, immediately followed by the other guys and even Mike who stopped ogling the women for a few minutes.
Suddenly, cat-calls broke the usual busy night bar life. Mike’s cat-calls were deafening. I narrowed my eyes on him and then followed his gaze when all my friends grinned at something behind me and waved. I turned around and finally saw her. Little B. She had a guitar in her hand, holding it by the neck as she strutted to the makeshift stage.
“Does she play?’’ I asked Mike who laughed, nodded and then went out of his way to tell me how hot it was, how smokingshe was.
I stared back at her and couldn’t look away. There was so much I didn’t know about her and about her life. Not only was she a musician now, b
ut she’s also friends with my old friends and she’s dating and fucking my old best friend.
And I knew nothing about her aside from her past.
* * *
BROOKLYN
Lenny's was packed, like always. At the bar, Nolan and some of his old buddies were drinking and laughing loudly, the attention of all the girls in the bar who were on the prowl. From here, I could see Mike's eyes appraising the many assorted racks and legs on display. I fought off a laugh. I wasn't even sure if he was faithful to me or not and really, I didn't care. I was on the pill, he wore a condom and that was enough as I wasn’t exactly looking for commitment.
I glanced at my phone. It was almost eight PM. I grabbed my guitar, strummed quickly to check if it wasn't off key and walked in, leaving the cover of the employees back-room close to the stage. Some guys catcalled—Mike included—and the others waved at me. I smiled and sat on the stool in front of the mic. I glanced at Nolan who was gaping at me. He said something to Mike who laughed, nodded and replied something like "it's hot’’.
"Alright guys, let's have another Jukebox Live Night!" I said with a smile, one foot on the ground and another hooked on one bar of the stool. Without my heels I’d never be able to touch the ground on this stool, plus I loved my peep-toe shoes when I played. I didn't really know why, but wearing high heels made me more confident. Sexy too and it wasn't that bad when I played in a bar in front of a sometimes, rowdy audience.
Cheers welcomed me and the adrenaline pumped up, electrifying my whole body. Jukebox Live Night was something I came up with almost two years ago. For an hour they could ask me to play whatever they wanted and I complied. It was really fun and most of the time I ended up playing the latest successes in rock, pop rock and sometimes country music.
"First song, guys?"
Several people started shouting titles of songs, but among them all a woman screeched so loudly that I couldn't ignore her. “Radioactive, by Imagine Dragons."
I chuckled into the mic as the woman in her early twenties lost half of her beer on the floor in haste and enthusiasm. Her friends laughed at her too, but she didn't look phased.
“Imagine Dragons it is, then." I began the first chords and smiled softly, finally relaxing.
I loved to be under the spotlights, having the full attention of all these people. I'd never been one to shy away when I felt dozens of eyes on me. As I began to sing, I locked eyes with Nolan, my eyebrows high on my forehead for a couple of seconds. He didn't move, didn't even drink or answer Mike who was talking to him. No, he was only looking and listening to me, exactly like he used to do when I was a little girl and we spent time together, talking about everything and anything.
As soon as I ended the song they all cheered and I bowed my head with a wink to my audience. It went on and on for an hour before I asked for one last song to end the Jukebox Live Night. “Hurt, by Trent Reznor."
I whipped my head to the bar at Nolan's voice.
"It's a buzzkill, man," Mike protested. He didn't have an ounce of taste in music.
“I’ve never played that song but let's try," I replied before anyone else asked for something else. I knew this song very well, and although I’d never played it here at Lenny's, I often played it in my room. Nolan used to listen to it often and it always moved me. Or maybe it was seeing his face when he listened to this song that moved me. Playing it had made me feel closer to him during all these years spent missing him in spite of myself.
My fingers moved over the strings of the guitar and I closed my eyes, letting the words seep into my soul, I poured my pain into the song and let it all go. At the end, I took a deep breath and smiled weakly at all the cheers in the bar as I waved and stood up.
I hadn’t taken two steps before Nolan was in front of me. His face was guarded and I didn't know what he wanted to tell me, but I didn't wait. I side stepped him and walked straight to Mike. I needed an out, an escape before everything crumbled within me.
"Ready to go, babe?" he asked me, eyeing Nolan like he’d won this round.
"Yeah, let's go."
Mike threw a couple of bills and wrapped an arm around me, his hand on my ass as usual. He nodded at the guys and we walked out. I had to fight the urge to look back because I shouldn't want to see Nolan after he left without a word. It was useless to relive this, yet I had never been able to let him go. Not completely.
* * *
NOLAN
She left with him without looking back. And she did it on purpose. I didn’t know what her game was, but I wouldn’t let her play me. Not now, not ever. I downed the remaining beer in my bottle, put it down hard on the top of the bar and nodded at my friends without unclenching my jaw.
I stood up and fished my car keys from my jeans pocket, ready to drive to her house and have a chat with her. She’d listen to me even if she didn’t want to. I wasn’t the kind of man who took no for an answer.
I drove over the speed limit to her house and parked several houses down the street, making sure that she wouldn’t see me coming. I locked my car and kept my eyes on her house as I walked up to it, not once sparing a glance to the junkies and drug dealers camping out. That fucking street was as awful as I remembered it to be and I hated thinking about Little B coming home at night alone after her night shift. Too many things could go wrong for a woman alone at night.
I rounded her house, not wanting to knock at the front door and face her parents. For all I knew they might not even be there. Instead, I went back to her window on the ground floor and looked inside. The bedroom was still dark which meant that she wasn’t back yet. She left the bar before I did. With Mike. I groaned when the thought of what they must be doing hit me. Yet, another thing I wanted to erase from my mind.
I tried the window to see if it would open, it pushed up easily and I climbed through it. I was ready to wait here until she got back. Hopefully, Mike and her hadn’t planned on having a wild night at his place or else it’d drive me up the fucking wall. She was my Little B, not his latest lay to enjoy until he got bored. She’s worth more than that. In fact, she’s supposed to be involved with a nice guy, somebody ready to truly make plans for their future. That’s how I thought I’d find her.
I went to her bed and laid down, arms crossed under my head and eyes focused on her bedroom door.
* * *
BROOKLYN
"You were so hot tonight, babe," Mike said. He buttoned up his pants and put his shirt back on. I did the same and tried to discipline my hair that screamed I'd been thoroughly fucked. I knocked my elbow on the car door and sighed. I was seeing an older guy who had a job and yet here we were, in his car, having sex instead of in a bed like adults.
"You know it, after I play I like to have sex," I replied mischievously. I squeezed his strong thigh and he drove away, ready to drop me at my house now that we both had what we wanted. We were not quite pathetic, we just used each other.
"I thought it was seeing your first crush."
I snorted dismissively, but in my chest, my heart constricted. "I never had a crush on Nolan."
"Babe, we all know you had a crush and that's why it was so damn funny to see him so shocked when he realized how tight you are now with his old friends."
I knew what Mike really meant by "tight". It's no secret that I went out with several of Nolan's friends and we never parted badly. After all, I was known to be the girl with a commitment phobia, but who’s not so shy with guys. Most girls called me a slut, some guys easy, but really I was just a young woman who loved to have fun without putting my heart on my sleeve. And I didn't care what people thought about me. For the most part.
"Yeah well, I don't really care about Nolan anymore," I said, though I wasn't very convinced because if I really didn't care about him, I wouldn't feel this pain when I thought about him and I sure wouldn't feel angry anymore either.
Mike stopped the car in front of my house where the lights were on in the living-room. But not on the porch since nobody was waiting for my retur
n. Damn it, I hated that house. It had never felt like a home to me and yet I’d never known any other place.
"He sure wants to play the big brother."
I frowned and looked back at Mike. "What do you mean?"
"Big No. He tried to warn me off tonight. He doesn't like that we're fucking," he answered with a laugh. That guy never took anything seriously. When he was a teenager it must have been endearing, but at past twenty-four, it was... stupid. He was lucky his father was an important guy around here and the mayor because I wondered how he'd find a real job otherwise.
"Next time, don't taunt him and tell him it's none of his business." I opened the car door and grabbed my guitar before I waved at Mike over my shoulder without glancing back.
The front door wasn't locked. I walked inside and didn't waste my time by stopping by the living-room where I could hear the TV on. My parents were probably watching some movie. Every time I walked back inside this house, I felt claustrophobic, trapped. I shook it off, and walked barefoot to my bedroom with my shoes in one hand and my guitar case in the other.
I opened my door, threw my shoes in one corner and looked up. I froze, mouth agape. Nolan was on my bed, waiting for me.
I opened my bedroom window and climbed out. The night breeze made me shiver, but I didn't care. I didn't care because I needed some time out of the house, away from the sound of my mother's cries and my father’s weak attempts at trying to calm her.
I looked up at the sky, at the stars bright and so far away. Grandma told me that Kelly, my big sister, was somewhere there, looking down on us. I didn't know if it was true or not, but I hated her. Kelly, I mean. I was born a year after her death, but every day showed me that I was lacking as a replacement. I didn't look like her, wasn't a good student like her, wasn't shy like her, wasn't into sports like her...
Six Years Page 2