Before I could say another word, his phone rang. I shook my head when I recognized the song. It was a song by Katy Perry. He cringed and blushed a little. "I didn't put this in my phone."
I arched one eyebrow, but said nothing. He answered his slick new iPhone with a frown. "Hey, Lena."
I couldn't hear a thing, but I sure wanted to. Who was that Lena? Was it his girlfriend? At that thought, a knot twisted my belly. He couldn't have a serious girlfriend. I was young, but I remembered that he was never very much into the girls he was casually seeing. Or fucking.
"I don't know yet. I'm going to see my mother today." He listened to what that Lena girl was saying and he kept his eyes in front of him, never looking back at me. That was odd. "I'm not asking you to understand." He tugged at the collar of his green t-shirt. "Listen I... No, listen, I have to go, but I'll call you later. I know it bothers you, but that's something I need to do and I'll stay as long I need to. It's not like I can't write wherever." With his free hand he massaged his temple and took a deep breath, but he was careful not to release it into the phone. Apparently, he didn't want Lena to know that he was fed up by her. "Yeah, bye. Me too." He hung up and put his phone in his jeans pocket, not once looking at me or breaking the silence.
"You're not going to tell me who this Lena is?" I asked, mustering my best I-don't-really-care voice.
He glanced at me, but I couldn't decipher his look. "She's my girlfriend."
I nodded, but it was hard to keep my composure. I didn't feel cool. I felt... jealous. Yeah, I supposed it was jealousy because the hurt mixed with anger could only be that. It also meant that my ridiculous crush on Nolan was not exactly over. After six fucking years I still wanted him, but now it was different. We still had a six year gap in age, we were still living very different life, but this time I was as much a woman as he was a man and I wasn't an innocent little girl anymore. But still, nothing could happen and even if I knew it with my head, my heart had some catching up to do, and fast.
"Woah! Nolan Bell had a girlfriend. Who would have thought that this day would come," I said teasingly, trying my damnedest to ignore the pain this fucking word was doing to me.
He chuckled and bit on his lip ring. "I know. I'm an adult now."
"How long have you been with her?" I must have a death wish or be masochistic. There was no other reason for me to delve further into this talk.
"Over seven months. I met her once at my publisher’s office. She was doing an internship there." He was still biting in his lip ring. He didn't like this talk either.
"Does she know about me or your mother?"
"She doesn't know that my mom was a junkie, but she knows that she's ill." He turned his head towards me. "But I never told anybody about you besides my editor, who is now one of my closest friends."
"I'm like a dirty little secret without the dirty part," I mumbled and stood up, ready to go back home to change before my night shift. I wanted to take a nap and take a break from all of this. It was too emotional for me.
He grabbed my hand, the one with the scar, to halt me. He stood up too and his frown deepened. "I never told her about you because it hurt me whenever I was talking about you. Do you want the truth?" His voice was getting louder, his words flew faster from his mouth, the same mouth I couldn't look away from. "Whenever I talked about you to my editor I ended up drunk out of my mind. That's why I never talk about you. It hurts. Leaving you hurt me too much because you're a piece of me."
I shouldn't take this as some circumvolved love declaration because it wasn’t. If anything it was a friendship declaration. He was telling me that he considered me like family and it touched me deeply, but it also brought back in a wave all my dreams I thought died six years ago. And one of these dreams was about him, about him and me.
"Then keep in touch. It's your last chance, Nolan. I don't want to hurt like that ever again. I have enough on my plate."
He released my hand and I already felt the loss of his hand, his warmth. He took his phone and gave it to me. "Put your cell number in and I'll never let you down again."
I nodded and quickly saved my number. Already, a sliver of hope took place in my heart and I hated myself for it. I wasn't so jaded that I had no hope whatsoever, but I knew when it was hopeless to put myself out there, and I was afraid that with Nolan it was one of this thing.
"What now?" I asked. I sounded very much the same little girl he left behind, the one always looking up to him for everything whenever I was with him. Some things never changed.
"Come with me to see my mother."
To say that I was surprised was an understatement. I brushed away my hair and tried to come up with something to get out of this, but nothing came to my mind, not when he was begging me with his eyes, not after I saw the tip of his tongue moistening his lips. Without knowing it, he was winning me over. He knew how much I hated his mother. She had hurt him too much and saying that she had an addiction was no excuse, not when you were supposed to take care of your own kid.
"Why?"
"I don't want to see her."
"Don't go, then. You owe her nothing, Nolan."
"You once told me that she was still my mom."
"I was a kid and I remember what you answered."
"You're not coming with me," he replied and his shoulders hunched over.
I sighed and shook my head. I was unable to deny him anything. That sucked to an epic proportion. “Alright, shut up and let's go before I change my mind."
Just as I was starting to walk to the park's exit, he leaned into me and kissed me on my temple. His lip ring was surprisingly warm, but it's the softness or his lips that got to me. That and the fact that butterflies took off in my belly. Again.
* * *
NOLAN
Walking with my Little B back to my car was something oddly familiar and yet something I never thought I’d ever experience again. At this very moment, and even though I felt like puking at knowing who I was about to face, I also knew I was a lucky bastard.
I left that girl when I knew she needed me and instead of freezing me out, she slowly let me back in. I didn’t deserve this, but I wouldn’t turn my back on her again. I couldn’t. There’s something about her that made it impossible for me to let go. No matter what, she truly was a piece of me, the best one.
In my pocket, my phone vibrated. It’s a text message and I didn’t need to check to see who it was. Lena. I didn’t know why I hid the fact that I have a girlfriend to Little B and the others. Lena and I were solid, really. She’s a nice girl and the right kind of girl for once. In a way, having my life with her colliding with my past life in Riverdale made me cringe. But if I wanted Brooklyn back in my life, I didn't have a choice and both sides of me needed to find a way to mesh.
But I didn’t miss the stiffness in her when I answered the call or when I told her about Lena. The worst is that a shot of adrenaline ran straight through my veins when I saw a flash of something in her eyes. It’s fucked up, and yet it’s been years since I’d last felt so alive, so in tune with myself. I wasn’t playing the nice boyfriend, the successful author, the man with no real traumatic past. I was myself, fucked up, hurt, and full of flaws I thought disappeared over the last few years.
“You know,’’ Brooklyn said softly, breaking the comfortable silence between us, “I think that Lena is a lucky girl to have you. I’m happy for you.’’
I faked a smile for her, and pushed the open button on my car key, unsure of what her words did to me. I was a volcano ready to explode and what would come out of me wouldn’t be lava, but emotions unleashed and it freaked me out to face them.
“And I’m happy for you if you want to be with Mike and if he treats you right.’’ The words scorched my mouth painfully on their way out. I schooled my face to not show the bitterness and loathing I felt.
She chuckled and opened the passenger door, but just before climbing inside, she glanced at me over her shoulder, a small sassy smirk on her full lips. “Liar.’’<
br />
And just as she climbed in my SUV, my eyes fell on her heart shaped ass and of course, my cock decided to say hello. Shit.
It'd been months since I’d met Big No and he never invited me over. Once, he told me that his mother was not feeling well and that it was better to stay away, but I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I knew he'd never ask me to come to his home, but I wanted to. I wanted to see his big boy bedroom and compare it to Clara's big brother's room. His had almost naked girls on his walls and the smell was awful. I was sure that Big No's was different. And I wanted to show him my english grade. I got an A and it was because he helped me. I had to say thank you.
With my paper in my hand my helmet under my arm, I knocked at the front door. There was no answer but I knew he was home. I could hear the music from his room. I bit my lip and looked back at my house. My parents weren't home and I didn't want to be alone. I knocked again and this time someone opened the door.
My smile vanished when I saw the woman towering over me with a cigarette almost finished. The nasty smell made my lungs burn and I coughed twice. Her light brown hair was a mess around her very thin and angular face. But it was her eyes that frightened me. They were red, swollen and shone a strange light. But she hadn't been crying, her nose was not all red like mine when I cried. Her t-shirt was too big on her too thin body and my eyes stopped on the inside of her elbow. There were marks there, blue and red ones close to her very green-blue veins. It didn't look right.
I swallowed and began to shake. Who was she?
"Who are you?" she asked me around her cigarette, her lips pinching it. Some ash fell near her bare feet.
“No… Nolan is here?" I stuttered slowly. I couldn't look away from her hard eyes.
She snorted and walked away, colliding once with the wall before she disappeared in the kitchen. I was still at the door and I wasn't sure if I should walk in or not. I tightened my grip on my paper and helmet and walked inside. The house was made just like mine, but here the curtains were all closed. It was so dark that I almost missed the turn—it was in reverse compared to my house—to find Big No's room. The door was closed, but when I heard something falling and loud curses coming from the kitchen, I didn't hesitate. I whimpered and opened the door.
Big No was reading on his bed and when he saw me there, he turned off his music and ran to me. He pulled me in his room and closed his door behind me. His beautiful eyes scanned me from head to toe and he hugged me.
"What are you doing here? I told you not to come, Little B," he said in my ear.
I hugged him back with my helmet and paper still in hands. I was clumsy, but now I felt better. "I wanted to show you my English paper and say thank you."
He pulled away and forced a smile. I knew it wasn't his true smile because this one didn't make me feel funny in my chest. "What did she say to you? You can tell me."
I shook my head. "Nothing, but she's not right. I think, I think she fell in the kitchen but..."
Before I finished my sentence he ran out. I put my paper and helmet on his bed and walked out, following the sound of his voice. "Can't you make a fucking effort? There's a little girl in the house, damn it!"
When the kitchen came into view, I briefly closed my eyes. The woman put out of her arm a needle. I hated needles. She blinked several times slowly, very slowly and tried to talk but nothing came out.
"Big No?" I called him in a whisper. I was glued to the cream wall, frozen.
He turned around and the pain I saw on his face hurt me. I hated to see him sad. "Go to my room, Little B. I'll be back, don't worry."
When I didn't move, he asked me to leave again and I finally listened. I ran to his room and listened to every sound in the house. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I was sure that he was helping her to her room. I sat on his bed and a couple of minutes later he walked in, a ghost of a smile on his face. He was trying to be the strong Big No I knew, but he was sad.
He sat next to me and gathered me in his arms. He put his chin on top of my head and I listened to his heart beating fast, as fast as mine. "You should have never seen that. I'm sorry."
I gripped his big arm. "She's your mother and she's ill. That's okay."
He held me tighter and sighed. "Nothing is okay, Little B. She's my mother and that hurts all the more."
BROOKLYN
"Are you sure you want to see her?" I asked him when it became obvious that he wouldn't leave the comfort of his car any time soon. We were parked in front of the new building, the same one I’d like to move in as soon as possible.
There were three two story buildings very modern looking with the white walls and dark grey doors and banisters. These buildings had been built two years ago for the people who didn't have a lot of money. There wasn't much to say about these one bedroom apartments, but at least they weren't in the scum parts of the city and that was why I wanted to live there so much.
Nolan shook his head and closed his eyes. His eyebrows bunched as if he was in pain. But it wasn't just an illusion. I knew he was in pain. I squeezed his hand on the steering wheel and I ignored the sting I felt whenever our skin touched.
Through his pain, he smiled, opening his hazel eyes to look at me. His face relaxed, like it did once upon a time. He brushed the scruff on his chin and laughed humorlessly. "I'm twenty four and yet right now I feel like I'm five."
"You knew it wouldn't be easy, but you came back when she asked. Maybe you need this closure too."
His gaze didn't waver and the intensity in it made me shiver. I didn't know what he was seeing in me, but my body reacted to his stare. I had to fight the need to twist on my seat.
"I think I came back because I needed to see you. My mother was just an excuse," he mumbled ruefully before he took a deep breath and got out of the car.
I blinked a few times. My heart was hammering in my chest, painfully so. No guy should say something like that, not to a girl who used to be head over heels for said guy, not to a girl who was still affected by him. I grabbed the door handle and pushed.
Nolan was standing on my side, his focus back on the building in front of us. His mother was there, in one of these tiny apartments and she was dying. I didn't know what to make of this. On one hand, I saw how she hurt him and I hated her for that, but on the other hand... She was freaking dying! She didn’t deserve this even if I wanted to think that it was payback for her lifestyle. She was a weak woman, someone who had been in a crappy relationship and she had been too lost to be a mother. She wasn't truly mean, or at least that's what I hoped for Nolan’s sake.
"We're here now, Nolan. Let's go up," I said, breaking the silence. I grabbed his elbow and towed him to the staircase. He stopped me before I put a foot on the first step.
"She lives on the ground floor. Apparently she can't climb the stairs anymore. She moved in a couple of months ago." His voice was off, but at least now he was walking in the right direction.
Despite this being one hell of a charged moment for Nolan, I couldn't help myself, but be awfully conscious of my hand wrapped around his elbow with my fingers touching the outer side of his muscle. I was an awful person. Who in their right mind would be focusing on this when they're about to see a dying woman?
He stopped in front of the door with a plaque saying it was 1C. He nodded to himself, probably convincing himself to knock, with no luck. I squeezed his arm and with my free hand I knocked loudly at the door. The sting on my knuckles from the metal was vicious, but I said nothing.
Before I could look up at him, the door opened on his mother. Edna Bell. But she didn't look like the Edna Bell I remembered. It'd been a couple of years since I'd seen her around town, but still, someone couldn't change so much. It was obvious that the cancer was taking its toll on her.
The women's eyes were not glazed over like they used to be when she was under the influence of her substance of choice, but they seemed extinguished. It gave me chills. Her dress in a forest green was hanging on her thin body and I was afraid she'd break w
ith the slightest breeze. She looked that fragile. Even the bones in her shoulders were poking through the light fabric. Her hair was gone, but it was hidden by a pretty scarf that had a green and white pattern. Her pale face, gaunt, was stretched and dry, but her thin, colorless lips were slowly turning up into a smile when she took in who was in front of her.
Nolan wasn't moving, but he grabbed my hand when the door opened. His long fingers wrapped around my slender hand were tight and getting tighter as seconds passed. I bumped my shoulder into him to shake him out of his stupor, but it did nothing. He was biting his lip ring, his body tensed and his frown deeper than before, but that was all.
"Hi, Mrs. Bell," I said, once again breaking the silence. My voice sounded loud in the quiet corridor. I shouldn't even be there right now. It should be a mother/son kind of thing and not a mother/son/friend moment.
Her eyes left her son, her smile falling a little. She crossed her thin arms over her chest and I was silently thanking her for wearing something with long sleeves. I didn't want to see anymore of her thinning body. "Hi, Brooklyn. I didn't know you two kept in touch." Her voice was shaking, but I couldn't tell if it was from the emotion or from her health.
"We didn't, but it's a long story. Maybe we should go in, you shouldn't catch cold." I'd never been so nice to her, ever.
Nolan's eyebrows shot upward. I just needed to glance in his eyes to know that he was thinking the same thing. Mrs. Bell apologized and led us to her tiny living room where the couch, the armchair, the coffee table and the furniture with the TV on it were taking all the space. On the coffee table there was a tea cup with some tea still warm. The smell made me ill to my stomach, but I said nothing as I was sitting on the couch with Nolan. He was still gripping my hand and I wasn't ready to pull away.
"I'm sorry for the smell, but this tea helps with nausea," she said as she finished her tea quickly.
Six Years Page 5