He took a deep breath and looked up, his hazel eyes boring into me. “And what’s a little while for you?’’
“A summer. It was just a summer fling.’’ I ignored the lump in my throat and pushed back the memories, the angst I felt, the fear I experienced for a whole week, thinking that I would face something life altering alone.
“We spent years apart and yet I still know when you’re not saying something. What aren’t you telling me?’’ He put down his fork and grabbed one of my hands, entwining our fingers and squeezing. My skin was more pasty than his and softer, but it looked perfect against mine. Even his thick wrist was perfect to me, so manly and yet not enough to be intimidating.
I shrugged and bit on my lower lip. “This guy disappointed me. I knew he was just here for the summer, but the way he left…’’
“He didn’t say goodbye.’’
“He did, but I didn’t like the way he did it.’’
“And what did he do to make you so broke that you had to do two jobs in addition to school?’’
“He owed money to a guy and I gave it to him because I cared about him.’’ I pulled away, forcing him to release my hand. “I don’t want to talk about this, Nolan. Just drop it.’’
“For now, but not forever.’’
I nodded and tried to smile, but it was difficult as my emotions were fighting inside. I gritted my teeth and fortunately, Pepper walked to us and broke the tension that could have been cut with a knife.
“Escalope a la milaise for you, honey, and lasagna for you, Mr. Writer.’’ After he put down our plates he went to welcome new patrons with his usual cheerful smile.
Garlic, basilica and tomatoes smelt so good that I couldn’t help the sigh that escaped me. I was thin, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t like my food. Not by a long shot. Food, and I meant good food, was very important.
Nolan chuckled and started eating earnestly, nodding at the first bite. Pepper was one hell of a cook. It was well known around here that he surpassed his father, and yet, he never expressed any interest in going away to work at a well-known restaurant in New York or any other city. He often said that he wouldn’t sever his roots just for more money and some arbitrary renown. I’d love to feel that way about this town, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like I had any roots here with how my parents behaved. I could leave this town without a second thought if I had a job lined up somewhere far from here.
“I’d forgotten how Pepper’s meals taste. It’s fucking good,’’ he said between bites and I laughed at his enthusiasm.
“He’s a genius. When I worked here, he always made sure that I ate properly. He was determined to make me more plump.’’
“Plump?’’ He stopped eating with his fork in mid-air.
“He told me that men like their women with more curves, some flesh and not just skin and bones.’’ I laughed at the memory and took another bite from my plate, savoring the meat almost melting on my tongue.
“You’re thin, but you’re not all skin and bones. He should go and check his eyes,’’ he replied with a smile, pouring some more water in our glasses as Tania, the waitress, turned the music up. I didn’t know what was playing, but it made me think about Italy as Italian words got just a notch louder, but not enough to make it difficult to talk.
“I think he’s just afraid that I wasn’t eating at home. He can be a real mother hen when you let him.’’
He smiled and took another bite of his almost finished lasagna. We fell silent as we enjoyed our meal and the atmosphere, catching each other’s eyes between every few bites, smiling more and more, sometimes even wickedly. His eyes often fell to my cleavage. He was such a man!
“I talked with my mother the other day,’’ he said, breaking the soothing silence.
I frowned and swallowed the last bite of my meal, ready to listen to him closely. It wasn’t like him to willingly talk about what was painful for him. It wasn’t easy for me to talk about this either. I wasn’t one to enjoy deep talk, meaningful ones. I’d spent years only seeking fun, but Nolan was my exception.
“How did it go? I wanted to visit her today, but I had to go back to my parents’ to get the last of my stuff while they were at work and then it was past visiting hours.’’
He pushed aside both our empty plates and grabbed my hands in his, palm against palm. The tip of his fingers brushed my inner wrists and goosebumps appeared all over my forearms and up the rest of my body in a small wave.
“You don’t have to visit her, Brooklyn.’’
“I know that. I want to.’’ I ran my fingers over his palm, my nails lightly tracing the outer lines of his palms near his wrists. “What did you talk about?’’
“Nothing much, you know. She apologized again, told me that she wanted to help me deal with what she did to me. Shit like that.’’
“Don’t you believe her?’’
He rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on my hands, not ready to break our physical link just yet. It was a good thing because I enjoyed this innocent touch too much. “Tell me how someone can be genuine when they don’t even remember half of the things they’re apologizing for.’’
“Your mother is not high anymore, she’s ill and trying to make amends. She’s genuine in her actions even if she’s not able to list all the things she did to you and how she’d neglected you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for deep down. So what do you want from her?’’
He suddenly released my hands and straightened in his chair, biting on his lip ring and running a hand along his unshaved jaw. “Let’s not go there tonight.’’
“You’re the one who brought it up. Man up and share this with me. I’m your girl now!’’ I whispered-yelled, leaning even more above the table, my hair avoiding to get into our empty glasses by some miracle.
He glared at me and jumped to his feet. He fished his wallet from his pants and walked to Tania who was at the cash register. Not once did he look back at me. I punched my hand down on the table. The glasses and forks and knives made some rattling noises against the empty plates. People were watching me standing up and stomping to the door, but I didn’t care. No, in fact, I wanted to give them the finger, but I managed to keep some dignity. I didn’t say a word to Tina as I walked past the register or to Pepper who was looking out the kitchen’s door and left the restaurant. I only stopped at Nolan’s car, waiting for him since I didn’t have much of a choice.
I leaned against the passenger door and let the cold of the metal sip through my light top. A shiver ran down my spine and I closed my eyes. I hated this. Making a scene like this? It wasn’t me, not usually.
“Climb in, it’s open.’’ His voice was cold, colder than the metal of the car biting through the material of my top. He didn’t wait for my answer and turned on the car.
I climbed in, buckled my belt and crossed my arms as if I was pouting like a little kid. “You’re being an ass.’’
He growled and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He even took a turn too fast and too sharply. “You’re a pain in the ass.’’
“We’re very much into asses, then.’’
In the corner of my eyes, I saw his lips twitch and his lip ring popping out of his mouth. “You’re nuts,’’ he finally said, a chuckle in his voice.
I relaxed and uncrossed my arms. I leaned my head against my seat and let the rich rumble of the car lull me some. “We both are. Look how well our night out turned out to be.’’
He stopped and I glanced outside. We were back in front of my building, parked in the deserted parking lot only lit by a couple of lamps. Yeah, one fucked up night. There was just one perk; the epically good kiss. For me, it wasn’t enough to deem this date as successful, though.
“I’m sorry.’’ He turned to look at me and ran the very tip of his fingers along my bare arm. “I should act like an adult and yet, whenever it’s about her I feel like the same angry at the world kid I was back then. And I clam up.’’ He retreated back against t
he door.
“I understand, Nolan.’’ I played with the hem of my top, my fingers twisting the cheap fabric of the top I’d bought in a thrift shop a few weeks ago. “I’m no better when it’s about my own fucked up family, but next time, don’t take it out on me. It’s easier for me to tell you what to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m saying you’re wrong. I don’t attach the same feelings to this situation and I want to be able to help you.’’
“It’s such a mess,’’ he mumbled and shook his head. “Most of the time I don’t even know what to think about her. I have spent these last few years trying my damnedest to forget about her.’’
My heart ached for him. My family never did to me what his mother did to him, but in some ways, I related to how he was feeling. It was painful to be the rejected child in a mess the adults created. Both of us never asked to be born, but we were here, very much alive and when someone decided to have a kid, they had to act as much as possible in the kid’s interest. It was a duty, a responsibility and when someone forgot about it, it was the kid who suffered. It wasn’t fair, but in life, not everything was fair. You had to deal as best as possible according to the hand you’d been dealt and try to never repeat the mistakes of your parents.
“It hurts when you truly look deep inside you and face what you need or expect, but you can’t push it all away forever.’’ I opened the passenger door and stepped out of the car. I inhaled and closed the door more forcefully than I intended. My frustration was still running high it seemed.
I fished my keys from my handbag and started walking to my building when another car door closing broke the quiet night. Startled, I turned around and watched Nolan run to me, frozen in the middle of the parking lot with my keys tangling from my finger.
He cupped my face in between both hands, his big palms and long fingers caging my whole face to better tilt it up to face him. I felt fragile and cared for at the same time and it wasn’t something I was used to. His skin seemed cold against my heated one and I shivered.
“I don’t want to end the night with you mad at me,’’ he whispered roughly, his eyes now solely focused on my lips tingling by such an intense gleam in his gaze.
“We’re fine.’’ My breathing was all choppy, coming out short as my heart was beating hard, hammering in my chest.
He tugged on his lip ring with his perfect white teeth. “I want us better than fine.’’
Then, before I could answer, before my brain could start coming up with a semblance of a sentence, Nolan’s mouth was on mine, demanding. Scorching. I let a moan escape my lips and wound my arms around his shoulders. When his tongue began to dance with mine, making me shiver and bringing hot waves of pure lust in my belly, I brought one of my hands into his hair at the nape of his neck and tugged wantonly. He growled and broke the kiss. Both of us breathing loud and fast, our eyes locked into each other’s, we stayed with our bodies flushed together. Against my soft curves I felt his firm, tight body and the outer edge of his muscles, muscles I craved to trace with my fingers and mouth. I closed my eyes and licked my lips, ready to enjoy the last taste of him.
“Let me stay with you tonight.’’ His voice didn’t leave any doubts as to his intentions and he wasn’t asking. He was clear, ready to claim me and drop everything else. It was hot. What woman in their right mind wouldn’t enjoy some alpha male behavior thrown in a sweet package?
“Only if you’re sure. I don’t want you to leave me tomorrow because you’re second guessing us.’’
He smiled at me crookedly and kissed the top of my head before he released me, but he kept me linked to him by the hand. “I couldn’t be more sure. You?’’
At that exact moment I knew that we were onto something else, another part of our life, another path. It’d be different from now on and it hit me so deliciously because no matter what would happen in the end, I wouldn’t have any regret or any questions unanswered. It was the right moment to embrace this with open arms and ignore the shitty date experience we had. In the bigger picture, it was nothing, but this, right now? It was everything, it was my everything.
“Follow me, then,’’ I whispered with my mouth so close to his.
“Can I ask you something?’’ I wasn’t looking at the TV anymore, but at Big No who was munching on some chocolate while his eyes never wavered from the screen watching an action packed movie with some actor I couldn’t remember the name of. I was pretty sure that Big No chose this movie more for the beautiful blonde actress than the story that was basically nonexistent.
He swallowed his mouthful and my eyes trained on his Adam’s apple, bobbing up and down. I liked to watch him doing pretty much anything, unless a girl was in the mix, and even eating he did it well. My friends at school were jealous of me whenever they saw him picking me up and I reveled in it.
He shrugged and glanced at me with a real smile that reached his eyes. “You know you can. What’s up?’’
“Do you really think that I’ll be able to leave this town and go to college?’’
His smile disappeared and instead his frown settled, darkening his otherwise clear eyes. “I’m sure you’ll leave if it’s something you really want and if you work at school. But, Little B, you’re only twelve. You have years to make it happen. One bad grade will not ruin your future.’’
I focused again on the TV, not wanting to think too much about my horrible D in algebra. When I got my copy back, I had to hide in the girls bathroom because my tears wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t a good student like Big No. I couldn’t concentrate long enough, stay still long enough and I didn’t like to study all that much. But I wanted to be good enough to do like Big No and leave here. I wanted to go to San Francisco because it was far away, on another coast and it felt good. Just like an adventure.
“I’m not like you, Big No,’’ I said in a sigh, not looking back at him.
He grabbed my chin softly and turned my face toward him. “You’re not because you’re your own person and you’re perfect. Don’t doubt yourself. It’s really not how you usually are.’’
“We all have our bad days. Even when you’re only twelve as you love to point out all the damn time.’’
He released my chin and chuckled, but it seemed forced, almost self-conscious. He played with his lip ring between his finger and thumb. The skin around it turned red. “I need to remember how old you are. You always sound so much more mature.’’
“And you feel the need to protect me because?’’
“It’s the role of a big brother, right?’’
I didn’t know what to say to that, but my silence was answer enough for him because he went back to watching the movie while I was still open-mouthed with my eyes fixed on him.
I had always seen him as my best friend while secretly I prayed for more one day, but if there was one thing I never thought about was him as a stand-in brother.
I hated these six years that created such an invisible, and yet very present obstacle between us. I hated to feel so young next to him. I hated that day that made me question my plans for the future. I hated my parents who once again didn’t even realize that I wasn’t feeling well. I hated everything today, even this movie night with Big No. I closed my eyes and hoped that sleep would save me and end this day sooner. Even if it meant getting closer to the day when Nolan would leave for college.
BROOKLYN
I opened the door to my apartment, my heart racing and my hands slightly shaking when the enormity of what was about to happen hit me square in the chest, and very low in my belly, making it obvious how very much in lust I was. I was about to have sex with Nolan afteryears spent fantasizing about him.
I searched for something to say as I switched on a lamp and turned around to watch him walk into my tiny living-room and he swaggered towards me. His eyes devoured me, taking in my body in a slow and intent perusal starting at my eyes and down until he reached my feet in high heels.
Once he had his fill, he closed the small gap between us and crashed his mouth on mi
ne. His hands went to my ass to better push me against him. His hard length against my stomach turned me on even more, something I never thought possible. I dropped my keys and they clattered to the ground, the metallic noise muffled by the old carpet. I wound my arms tightly around him, one hand dangerously close to his behind while my other one was exploring his back, more muscled than I thought.
When he nibbled on my lower lip, I felt like free-falling. I clawed at his back and he growled before he hoisted me up very much against him. Without a thought but with eagerness, I wrapped my legs around him.
“Bedroom,’’ I mumbled against his lips as he attacked me again, with even more vigor. “Left door.’’
“Lead the way,’’ he said, his voice husky in my neck as he pecked me, his tongue barely grazing my skin, but enough to make me break into goosebumps.
I sighed louder and played with his hair as he let me slip down the length of his body. Every inch of his body rubbed against me, giving me an idea of what to expect without his clothes, and I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Without looking where I was going but keeping my eyes on him, I led him to my room, bumping just once into the wall before I kicked open the door and turned on the light. I wanted to see all of him and not just use my imagination for once. I didn’t want to miss a thing.
I had a hard time looking away from his lips, red and swollen by the force with which we kissed. But when he tugged on my hand, I didn’t want to just look at him anymore, I wanted to touch him. No, I wanted him to touch me more.
I went to him willingly and plastered myself against him. My heavy breasts brushed against his firm chest, my hard nipples aching to be touched, aching to be freed from my soft bra. I sighed and went on my tiptoes just when he lowered his head and captured my lips.
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