He leaned closer to me and kissed me. It was slow, thorough and I felt it in the deepest parts of my body. I whimpered in his mouth and let his tongue caress mine, his teeth nip my lips and his lips play with mine. He broke the kiss and put his forehead against mine, eyes closed.
“For me, Brooklyn,’’ he whispered roughly, his voice shallow. “You’ll always be the woman to whom I compare the others to. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and just being around you makes my life easier, brighter. Just feeling your heartbeat makes me float, hearing your voice makes me happy and seeing your eyes… When your eyes are on mine they cut through me and make me want to be always better.’’
“Nolan—‘’
Knocks at the door interrupted me. He opened his eyes startled and he straightened, releasing me. I sat up and crossed my arms tightly around me, suddenly feeling out of place. Our bubble had been broken without care and it left me with an uneasy feeling, as if we couldn’t return in that bubble, as if we missed our chance at…something whatever that was.
He stood up and paddled to the door, his sweatpants riding even lower. With his bare feet, his naked torso and his still damp hair, he was the epitome of the gorgeous guy cliché and it was kind of dizzying sometimes.
He opened the door and I saw the muscles in his back stiffening and his shoulders tensing as his knuckles turned white when his grip on the door became deathly. I stood up, the bed cringing slightly. As soon as I took three steps toward the door, I felt my jaw ready to hit the floor and my body a breath away from jumping on the person facing Nolan in the hall.
His ex-girlfriend.
“What are you doing here?’’ Nolan asked with a detached voice, a perfect contradiction to his body’s reaction. He was coiled hard.
She began to cry softly, silent tears falling down her beautiful, yet very pale face. She didn’t look like the sophisticated girl I last saw or the mean girl who threatened me. She was tired and seemed quite small in front of Nolan.
“I think I’m pregnant,’’ she said between sobs and I sucked on my breath. Nolan shook his head. “I’m three weeks late.’’
I closed my mouth, gritting my teeth. Nolan turned around to me, his eyes glazed by the news and his mouth in a straight line. No trace of his lip ring. He was chewing it relentlessly. I put my palm up before he could say a word and I grabbed my handbag. I needed some fresh air and to be honest, this stuff had nothing to do with me. I was the odd one out, the third wheel.
I ignored his imploring eyes and ran out when he said my name. I ignored how my chest hurt or how my lungs seemed unable to take in some air. I ignored everything and just ran away in the direction of my home and curiously it wasn’t toward my apartment, but it was my parents’ house.
All the while I was running, ignoring the few cars honking me as they drove past me, I had only one thought turning around and around in my head.
Nolan could be a father soon and I’d lose him for good.
* * *
NOLAN
“Fuck. Fuck!’’ I couldn’t detach my eyes from Brooklyn. But she didn’t turn around and when she disappeared from the hall, I finally turned back to Lena.
She had always been a small woman, but right now she looked even smaller. I should probably give her some comfort and be the good guy, but I couldn’t. Just looking at her made me want to run away. Because if she was right…if she was pregnant…
I shook my head and cleared my throat, trying like hell to push away the panic, the anger and the despair.
“I didn’t want to do this over the phone,’’ she whispered weakly in between sobs.
My brain finally kicked in and I pushed away from the door, inviting her in. I turned around and quickly threw on a shirt. “Why didn’t you take a…hm…a pregnancy test?’’ My voice broke when the word pregnancy left my mouth.
I turned back around and found her near the door, her small arms crossed over her chest and her tear-filled eyes on my bare feet. It was obvious she was distraught and I needed to be the better man. Fuck, I was an adult! If I was able to get a woman pregnant, I needed to be man enough to face the consequences.
I took a deep breath, fought hard against my first instinct that was of running back to Brooklyn and instead focused on the matter at hands.
Lena could be pregnant with my baby.
Nausea hit me. I brought a hand to my sweaty forehead and gestured to the bed for her to sit.
“I’m afraid, Nolan. You broke up with me, you’re with another girl and now…’’ She shook her head. “I could be pregnant.’’
“Nothing’s sure, yet.’’
“Three weeks! I’m three weeks late. The longest in my life was four days.’’
“Fuck.’’ I paced in front of her, eyes on the floor. I couldn’t focus and keep my shit together. A child. I wasn’t ready to be a father. I didn’t even know how to be a father. And it shouldn’t be with Lena. It couldn’t. “I have to talk to Brooklyn.’’
“What?!’’
I braced myself and looked up. “I don’t know if you’re pregnant or not, but it concerns her too.’’
She stood up, her tears forgotten. I knew that look, the way she narrowed her eyes, the way her lips became fine lines. She was pissed. “We’re not in some freaking threesome! It’s none of her business.’’
“I’m dating her, Lena.Her. If you’re pregnant she’ll be a part of that kid’s life, whether you like it or not.’’
She scoffed and dried her face with a shaky hand. “Perfect. I’m going to be a single mom, my child will have an eighteen year old step-mother and a barely there father.’’
“What do you want me to say?’’ I roared, startling her. I opened my arms and gestured between us. “We’ve never loved each other, Lena. This kid isn’t planned and obviously it isn’t wanted, but I’m going to try and do my fucking best and if it’s not enough for you…’’
“What? I should suck it up?’’
“Yeah.’’ I nodded. “We have to deal with it as fucking adults.’’
I turned around and located my car keys on the bedside table. I grabbed them and put on my shoes. I needed to find Brooklyn.
“And you’re going after her. Damn, it really is a pattern whenever I’m around.’’
“Do you know what it’s like to be consumed by someone?’’ I pierced her with my glare, unable to control my wayward emotions. My anger at her was because I knew she wasn’t to blame if she was pregnant, but the fact was, she was messing up everything. I might have gotten her pregnant and I would be responsible, but right about now, all of me was begging for Brooklyn. I didn’t want to spend another second with Lena. I didn’t want to think about a baby. I just wanted Brooklyn.
“Funny that, that’s what I wanted to find with you.’’
“It can’t be found. It hit you, Lena.’’ I ran a hand in my still damp hair. “Look, book a room and ask the reception to charge my credit card. We’ll tackle the…hm…’’
“Pregnancy test?’’
“Yeah,’’ I mumbled. “We’ll buy a pregnancy test tomorrow and see what happens then.’’
I turned around ready to bolt when Lena’s hand on my wrist stopped me. I had to fight the urge to jump back at the feel of her skin against mine. The heat, the feel of her, her smell were all wrong.
“I didn’t want this.’’
I glanced at her over my shoulder and nodded. Gently, I pulled away and ran to my car. I was a dick for not being there for Lena when she obviously needed someone to comfort her, but my heart was somewhere else. I was scared to lose Brooklyn when I just got her.
* * *
BROOKLYN
They were home. The cars were parked in their places in front of the house, at the curb. As per usual, two doors down a huge party was being held and people were enjoying the summer night atmosphere by laughing and smoking outside. In one corner of the houses down the street, a thin guy was pacing, his eyes darting everywhere. Not only was he a junkie, but he was a d
ealer too. I fought back the chills threatening to break out and walked to the front door of the house I lived in for eighteen years. I pushed the small button of the ring bell and waited, not sure what I was looking for here. Thirty minutes ago I discovered that my boyfriend and best friend might become a father in a few months and I decided that it was a good idea to go and see my parents, people I shouldn’t even expect to seek for some kind of comfort from, people who hadn’t tried to reach me or see my new place.
My father opened the door and his face registered surprise when he recognized me under the low light of the street, barely drawing me clearly. His tired eyes were dark upon seizing me up. Was he looking for any trace of troubles? Was he concerned about my well-being?
“Are you alright?’’ he finally asked, his soft voice deeper than I could remember and yet, I saw him just shy of a week ago.
I nodded, but my shrug contradicted me. He was still wearing his cheap night blue suit, the one I most remembered him wearing for his job as an accountant. “Can I come in for a minute?’’
He let me in and looked up the street, probably searching my car. Someone normal would ask where my car was and how I came here, but I knew he wouldn’t. At this point, I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t care or because the hole between us was so big that even that was extremely strange to ask. We were worse than strangers.
He led me in the kitchen and I saw my mother putting together something—was it a spinach salad?—as he dressed the tiny kitchen table with two plates, not asking if I’d like to stay for diner.
“Hello, Brooklyn,’’ my mother said, glancing at me quickly before she focused all her attention again on her salad.
They both looked tired and old, older than they should. They also didn’t seem happy or remotely alive for that matter, but they were two selfish jerks. I was sad too, I would love to have them comforting me and yet, they didn’t even know me enough to see that something was wrong by just looking at me. Damn it! I was sure that my eyes were bloodshot. It was enough of a clue as it was.
“Do you regret not getting an abortion?’’ I blurted out suddenly, my words preceding my thoughts. My heart began to beat frantically again in my hollowed out chest. My eyes darted to and from each of them as they were finally really looking at me.
“What are you talking about? We never even thought about…that.’’ She didn’t speak louder or faster. She seemed almost detached.
My father wrapped an arm around my mother’s shoulders and he squeezed softly. “Are you trying to get into a fight?’’
“No, Dad, I’m not.’’ I waved between us. “I feel like I don’t have parents. I’m not feeling okay, I cried while walking here and you don’t even care. You didn’t ask me if I had a problem or why I was here. You’re just tolerating me and I don’t know what I did to deserve that. I’m not Kelly, but I’m your daughter too. I. Deserve. Your. Attention.’’ My words rang loud in the quiet kitchen as at last I broke the status quo.
My mother started to shake, her hands unable to keep a good hold on the knife she had. She put it down and hid her hands at her side. My father was frowning, but curiously he looked down, not even trying to hold my burning gaze.
“We’re sorry if it’s not enough for you, Brooklyn. We lost a child. It’s not easy for us.’’ My mother’s words made me angrier.
“Do you think it’s easy to be the kid who was born after, the one here supposedly to fill a void? I’m not like her and that’s what you realized upon seeing me at my birth. You knew you made a mistake and instead of learning to love me, instead of letting me mend your broken hearts, you just tolerated me. The only pictures of me you have are the ones Granny took when she came to visit before she died. You never cared about how I did in school, or if I was happy. When Nolan left and I hurt my hand? You only told me that it was ridiculous and to pull myself together. You know what? Pull yourself together then! You never did anything for me and I never asked, but I’m fucking tired of it all, I’m tired of trying to find some excuses for you.’’
My breathing was labored. I shook from head to toes unable to control myself. I clenched my fists and cursed under my breath for being so worked up when they were obviously barely giving away any hint of any kind of emotions. They were looking at me, their eyes more focused on me than usual, but that was it. Nothing more.
“You’re right,’’ my father said slowly, his voice seemingly painful to leave the comfort of his mouth. He sighed and glanced at my mother with a sad smile marring his face. “We lacked in our role when you only asked for your parents, but we never coped.’’
My mother leveled her face and she hid herself behind the wall of her hair turning more and more grey as the months passed. Her thin shoulders were shaking and it mellowed me some. I hated to see someone hurt, I hated to be the one upsetting her, but I was so tired of always staying calm and composed when it came to them. I wasn’t apathetic. They were.
“That’s all you have to say?’’ I asked barely loud enough for them to hear me as I was still frozen near the hall, ready to bolt.
“Nothing we could say would change anything.’’
I nodded and looked away from them, instead focusing on the old fridge where a picture of the high school graduation ceremony with Kelly on it was. “Do you even care about me?’’
In the corner of my eyes, I saw my mother looking up sharply, her pale face damp from her silent tears while my father tightened his grip around her as if to give her some of his strength.
“We love you, Brooklyn!’’ she said, her voice louder than I expected.
I sucked on my breath and smiled softly, unsure what I should feel. Should I be sad or relieved? Should I be bitter that they never told me or delighted to hear it at last? I had no idea. Everything was a mess in my head. Everything was painful. Even blinking was difficult for me at the moment. I just wanted to hibernate for a while, forget about anything and everyone.
“Do you believe me?’’
“I want to believe you because no matter what you’re not bad people. I know your grief messes with you and that’s why we’ve never connected. I get it, but it hurt me for years and it still does sometimes because I have nobody else. You’re my only family and…I’m only eighteen. I can’t be mature all of the time and when my heart hurts, I can’t always take a step back and be rational instead of letting my emotions speak for me.’’
“Do you mean that you need us?’’ she asked me, a new light in her eyes, something akin to hope, but I couldn’t see why she’d be hopeful right then.
“Sometimes, yes. We all need our parents.’’
She nodded and a small smile tugged at her trembling lips. My father seemed to relax some.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?’’ he asked me then, startling us all.
I fidgeted and shook my head. It was too soon. It would be obvious that we were strangers and it would be best to start with something easier. Maybe a coffee one day and then take it from there.
“I’m not hungry to be honest. I…I better go home.’’
They nodded and asked me if I needed a ride home, but I declined. I started to walk back to my place in a daze, feeling hope against all hope. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that day possible, the day during which I’d hear them say that they love me, the day I’d look forward to what the future had in store for them and me. At least, one thing went well today even if with Nolan it went to hell without even a pit stop.
A car slowed down until someone leapt out and ran to me. I froze and turned around, ready to grab my pepper spray if necessary. But it was Nolan with a crazed look and hair going in every direction.
“Fuck it! Do you have any idea how worried I was? I looked for you everywhere!’’ he yelled at me, but thankfully it was in a deserted street, not far from our old neighborhood. Nobody seemed disturbed no curtains moved.
I couldn’t look at him. It was too painful to look at him and think about her, about the fact that he could be a
dad soon. I slept with him only hours ago! My heart could have been bruised by Nolan, but right now it was outright shattered.
“Don’t yell at me, Nolan. I should be the one who’s angry.’’ My voice was neutral, frighteningly so.
“You were on foot, Brooklyn. What do you think I thought? I was ready to call the hospital to see if you were there when I couldn’t find you anywhere. I even called Mike.’’ He cursed again and tugged on his hair nervously, as if to pull out a whole chunk of hair. His muscles seemed to bunch more.
I pointed at him, losing my pretense of calm. I was boiling and ready to explode, but it wasn’t because I was truly mad at him, it was only hurt and frustration urging me on. “I didn’t wait for you to take care of me all these years! Stop playing the big hero and face your own mess and leave me out of this.’’
He walked to me and we were almost nose to nose, both of us seething. “It concerns you too.’’
“No, it doesn’t.’’ I straightened my shoulders and didn’t look away even when his hazel eyes darkened dangerously. “Your ex-girlfriend might be pregnant with your kid. I’m not at all in that equation.’’
“We’re together.’’
“We’re sleeping together.’’
He cupped my head between his two big hands and kept me riveted. “Let’s be fucking honest here. It’s more than just sex otherwise it would have never happened. We. Are. Together.’’
“Where do I fit in all of this, Nolan?’’ I asked weakly, my anger falling away. “I’m eighteen, I live in a small town and I have no idea of what to do with my life while you’re a successful man living in New York City and about to be a father. I don’t have a place in this.’’
Six Years Page 27