by S A Clayton
5
Harper
“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” he asks as I look down at the coffee mug that I know will be my lifeline today.
“I look that bad, huh?” I say, finishing off the coffee and walking around the island to pour myself another cup. Before I get there, Josh spins me around, placing his fingers under my chin and lifting it so our eyes meet.
“Hey,” he whispers softly. “I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to do this if it causes you to lose sleep.”
I know he doesn’t want me to do this for him, but for me. A small part of me is doing this for myself, but I mostly want him to stop worrying that something will remind me of my dad and send me spiraling down.
“Josh, I’ll be fine,” I lie. Not only to Josh, but to myself. “I’m just nervous. Once I’m there, everything will be better, okay?”
He kisses my forehead and I hope I’m right. I hope that stepping foot into that building doesn’t send me into another panic attack like last time.
“I need to head out. We have a meeting today before practice.” He makes his way into the bedroom and into the bathroom.
Once I hear the door shut, I text Mel.
Me: Am I crazy to go through with this? I might be freaking out.
After a few minutes, I get a reply.
Mel: You’re not crazy, you’re just nervous. Totally normal.
None of this feels normal.
Me: What if I can’t go in?
I know that’s a real possibility and one that scares me more than the memories.
Mel: Then we go home.
Her answer is so nonchalant. As if leaving isn’t a big deal, as if failing at this wouldn’t ruin everything I’ve been working toward. I try and take some deep breaths to calm my racing heart, but it’s no use. I hear the bathroom door open and Josh steps out and into the bedroom. My phone goes off again and when I pick it up, I watch as Josh heads into his closet to get dressed.
Mel: Josh will not think less of you because you’re not ready. Trust me. That man loves you too much to care.
I know she’s right, I know I’ll be the one disappointed if I don’t go in, and somehow that’s worse than Josh thinking less of me. I want this for myself. I want to be able to enjoy the game that brought my family so much joy. The one that my dad and I shared, the one I still love to this day but is always overshadowed by a darkened figure every time I think about it.
Mel: You at Josh’s place?
I reply that I am, and she tells me that she’ll be by to help me get ready and I breathe a sigh of relief. The idea of being alone in this apartment for hours just waiting makes me want to pull every last one of my hairs from my scalp. I set my phone down and head back into the living room and sit on the couch, overthinking every aspect of what could go wrong today.
The couch dips as Josh sits beside me, his worried eyes meeting mine.
“I’m fine,” I mutter, trying to seem convincing. “I just need to get this over with before I psych myself out.”
He wraps his arm around me as I inhale his scent, allowing it to calm my nerves.
“I know, sweetheart,” he mutters against my temple, kissing my head gently. We sit in silence for a while before Josh speaks. “I need to get going.”
“Mel is coming over in an hour to help me get there… that okay?”
His eyes soften as his lips touch mine ever so lightly. “More than okay, I’m happy she’s coming here to help you when I can’t.” I want to roll my eyes because it seems like he thinks I can’t do this without help, but I don’t. Because what he’s actually doing is loving me enough to know what I need, even when I don’t.
“What time should I be there?”
Instead of answering right away, his fingers find a loose strand of my hair and plays with it for a second. My eyes close of their own volition, and I savor the feel of him next to me.
“The game starts at seven, so I’ll have a security guard at the door by two, just in case you need extra time, okay?”
“Thank you,” I whisper, not having the voice to completely explain to him what all of this means to me.
“You are and always will be my priority. You mean more to me than any game I could ever play. You know that, right?”
I nod my head because I have no idea how to respond to something like that.
“No matter what happens, I’ll see you tonight after the game, yeah?” He kisses me lightly, getting up to leave. Just as he reaches the door, I call his name. “Yeah, gorgeous?”
“I love you.”
He winks as he comes back and kneels in front of me. “Love you too, Sunshine.”
His lips find mine quickly before he picks up his bag from beside the door and looks back before opening the door. I try and give him a reassuring nod, but the second the door shuts behind him, everything inside of me changes. The pit in my stomach returns, my hands start shaking and I know this feeling will stay there until I step foot on that field.
“I brought reinforcements,” Mel says, handing me one of the many bags she’s carrying. We take them into the kitchen, and I notice they’re full of all of my favorite snacks. There are piles of candy, some lollipops—something I have always used as a nervous habit snack—and a bottle of whiskey. I hold the bottle in my hand and raise an eyebrow.
“You’re going to need some liquid courage at some point, so I came prepared.” She shrugs, unpacking, and I just stand there with the bottle still in my hand. “Don’t worry,” she whispers through a laugh. “I also brought gum.” She holds up a pack. “You know, so the team doesn’t think you’re a drunk.”
Jesus, could you imagine? Just what I need, naked pictures leaked and the rumor that I’m an alcoholic to surface.
After a few bags of candy and a few shots of whiskey, we start our drive toward the stadium. I can’t tell if the whiskey helped calm my nerves but right now, I feel pretty confident. Yet that feeling quickly disappears when our car gets onto that one highway I know leads to the one place I’ve dreaded for years. My palms start to get slick, my breathing becomes irregular and my vision becomes blurry and I know if I don’t get control of myself soon, everything will fall apart.
“Harp?” Mel asks, but I don’t respond. “Babe, stay with me, okay? Take deep breaths with me, okay?”
I nod in agreement, following her breathing, knowing what to do. “
In: one, two, three… out: one, two, three…” she repeats this over and over again, giving me something to focus on besides the location we’re driving toward.
I keep breathing, in and out, in and out, yet the closer we get, the harder it becomes. My chest starts to get heavy, the hyperventilation seconds away and before I can’t control it, I’m gasping for air as if I’m drowning in the memories that are beginning to surround me.
Thankfully Mel came prepared, handing me a paper bag—something I used to use in college to calm myself down—and I try and breathe through it. We continue to drive and the closer we get to the stadium, the faster I start to breathe into the bag. We turn into the parking lot and that’s when the tears start to form. We park exactly where Josh told us to, and the second the car turns off, Mel turns to face me, seeing the tears begin to streak down my face.
“Look at me,” she demands, and I do as she says. “I need you to focus on me, okay?”
I keep my eyes on hers, continuing to breathe into the bag.
“You can do this. It’s just a building, just a door.”
I roll my eyes, but she takes my hand and squeezes.
“There is nothing special about those things. They are ordinary.”
I don’t say anything.
“Trust me. We need to take this one step at a time. So the first step is getting out of the car.”
I like this idea. If I focus on one thing at a time instead of the big picture, I might actually get through this. My breathing starts to calm, I wipe the stray tears from my face, and for the first time in a few hours, my chest expands.
“Okay.” I put the paper bag down, following her as she gets out of the car. We start walking toward the door and that panicked feeling starts to creep its way back into my brain. But I stop myself and say over and over in my head; It’s just a door. It’s just a door. Mel knocks and a big hulking man opens the door, grinning. If he weren’t grinning, I would think he was there to murder us, but his smile changes his entire face. He’s bald and wearing the stereotypical tight black T-shirt with black pants that leave very little to the imagination.
“You must be Harper and Melissa?” he asks.
We both nod as he motions us to follow him inside.
“My name is Peter. Josh wanted me to bring you to the locker room.”
I grab Mel’s hand, squeezing… hard.
“You got this,” she whispers. “It’s just a hallway. That’s it…”
Just a hallway. We follow Peter as he leads us farther into the building. We pass piles of equipment that I know is used for stadium maintenance and piles and piles of balls and bats.
The closer we get to the locker room, the more my breathing becomes ragged and before I can ask for it, Mel’s hand is in mine, and I focus on breathing through my nose and out through my mouth. Voices can be heard farther down the hall, and I freeze, Mel squeezes my fingers slightly, reminding me she’s here and when her eyes meet mine, I know she’s silently asking me if I want to leave. I shake my head.
I need to do this.
We round a corner and I see Josh talking to one of his teammates and I let out a breath. His eyes meet mine and, in that split second, I know I made the right decision because his eyes light up. This was all worth it for that look alone. This was all worth it for that split second of happiness I just saw cross his face. Once he thanks Peter, Josh is in front of me, cradling my face in his hands while he kisses my forehead.
“You doing okay, Sunshine?” His voice is full of concern, and I know I can’t lie to him, so I just shrug. I know he can see the truth written all over my face and as I take a deep breath, I hope to God I don’t puke all over him. Again.
“She had a mild attack in the parking lot, but she’s a trooper and wanted to come in anyway.”
I shoot Mel a look and she looks back at me as if saying, What did you want me to say?
“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers in my ear.
It’s a strange feeling to have someone feel proud of you for walking through a door and down a hallway, but I guess this is what my life has become.
“I’m going to take you to the field, okay?”
I freeze the second that leaves his mouth. What happened to baby steps? I look over at Mel, panicked.
“You can do this, okay?” she says, gazing toward Josh, who is looking at me with a worried expression.
I shake my head, feeling my hands begin to shake and legs begin to tremble.
“Yes, you can. You’re stronger than this, right?”
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and picturing my dad. He’s looking at me like he did every time he brought me here. You can do this, pumpkin. His voice is clear as day in my head and my eyes pop open.
I can do this.
We slowly make our way down the hall, my hand finding Josh’s as he squeezes, bringing it up toward his lips and lightly kissing it. Having him here is everything. The sweat is beading down the back of my neck and I start shaking like a leaf when the green of the field comes into view. I stop in my tracks as my eyes focus on the one thing I never thought I would see again.
I don’t see the stands, I don’t even see the grass. All my eyes can focus on is the mound and what my dad looked like collapsing after that ball hit him. I hear nothing but my mother’s screams and that’s when my hand covers my mouth as a silent scream escapes and the tears stream down my cheeks. I can’t control this. I vaguely hear Mel and Josh ask if I’m okay.
I’m numb.
I’m numb to all sounds, numb to all feeling.
Just numb.
You can do this, pumpkin. You are stronger than your worst fears. My dad’s voice echoes through my mind, and I hope to God he’s right because right now it feels like I’m drowning in those fears with no end in sight. The longer I stand here, the more my past starts to close in on me, so I close my eyes. Before I lose myself completely, I feel two sets of hands clasp my hands and I look down to see both Josh and Mel at my side as I crawl out from my memories. My eyes meet theirs one at a time and I give their hands a squeeze, letting them know without words that I’ll be okay. As my eyes leave theirs and settle back on that field, I know what I need to do, and I hope to God I’m strong enough.
“I need to do this alone,” I say, surprised by my own voice. Yet I know I’m right. I need to do this for me, and for my dad. They both motion for me to do what I need to do, and I begin to make my way toward the field.
The grass beneath my feet crunches as my hands shake, memories flowing through me. The closer I get to the mound, the more I wonder if I made the wrong choice. Maybe I’m not ready. This is where it all started, this is where the life I knew ended. I stop a few yards away, peering back at Josh and Mel who are both standing where I left them in the tunnel. Waiting.
When I reach the mound, stepping onto that dirt, I hear my dad’s voice once again. You are stronger than the sum of your fears. You can do anything you set your mind to. I grin at the saying, remembering when he told me that. I was eight and I was trying out for the boys’ baseball team. I was so nervous since there were no other girls, but he told me I could do anything, something I seem to have forgotten over the years.
It feels different than it did as a kid, smaller somehow. I bend over, picking up a chunk of the dirt. Letting it flow through my shaking fingers.
“Why did you have to pitch that day?” I whisper to his ghost, not expecting an answer, but wishing I could get one.
For the first time since stepping onto this field, I look at the seats surrounding me. I imagine them filled with screaming fans and I find myself grinning through the stream of tears. This was his dream, this is what he wanted to do forever and even though this game, this place, took that man from me, he loved it here. He loved what he did in this stadium and I can’t forget that.
I spin slowly, taking in everything and inhaling the scents I remember all too well; grass and clay. A smell that to anyone else might be pungent but to me? It reminds me of one person.
The tears start to fall faster, but they’re not what I was expecting. These are the tears of the little girl who hated this stadium. I know now that this place could have been a sanctuary to remember the man who taught her everything she knows about baseball. The man that helped her get over her first crush by making her hit baseballs as hard as she could, making sure she knew that each ball represented the boy she hated in that moment. That was the man that existed in this stadium, not the one that ignored everyone around him and left everyone behind.
My legs give out as I kneel in the dirt. I spread my fingers through the rough texture of the clay, and I savor the feel of it running through my fingers over and over again. I eventually lie backward, looking up at the sky. Josh and Mel run up beside me, the panic evident in their strides.
“Are you okay, Sunshine?” Josh asks, the alarm evident in his voice.
I wipe away the tears from my eyes, still looking up at the bright blue sky above us.
“Did you know Dad used to come out here before every one of his games and bury a coin in the dirt? I would give him a new coin every time he pitched, and he always said it was his lucky charm.”
They both sit beside me as I let the memories flow over me.
“It was something I always thought was beneath him. I thought he was better than luck, but he always asked me for a new one every week, and I would always give him one.” I remember him leaning down and kissing the top of my head as he picked up that coin.
“He just wanted a part of you with him,” Josh adds softly, touching my hand as I squeeze his fingers.
“I know that now. At the time I thought it was so stupid.” I pivot and lean forward, reaching into the clay. Rationally I know the coin is not there. It’s been way too long, but I check anyway. I push my fingers through the dirt where I saw him bury my coin every time, and when I find nothing, I sit back up. What I don’t expect is for Mel to be holding a silver quarter in her hand.
“What are you doing?” I ask, but she just hands me the coin and motions for me to bury it in the dirt. More tears start to fall as I pull her down into a hug. “I love you so much,” I whisper, leaning back and sifting through the dirt once more. I look up, hoping Dad’s watching. “This is for you, Dad, sorry it took me so long.”
“You are amazing,” Josh says against my temple as I gaze into his eyes and when he kisses me lightly, I know I will love this man for the rest of my life for what he just did for me.
Everything changes the moment that coin is buried. It’s as if I’m looking at everything clearly for the first time. The shadow has lifted, and a sigh of relief leaves my body at the realization that it’s been following me for years. Little did I know I needed a certain third baseman to get me over that bump in the road.
I stand from the mound and watch as Josh’s teammates make their way onto the field for batting practice. I look around and wonder how I missed the fact that the equipment team was setting up the batting cage.
Josh meets some of his teammates and waves me and Mel over, so I grab her hand and we head over there together.
“Harper, you remember King, right?”
I smile. How could I forget? King makes eyes with Mel, placing his arm around her shoulder.
“And who is this breath of fresh air?” he teases, and I can tell right away that Mel has no desire to be anywhere near King or his advances, but the second I notice the look on Will’s face from across the field, I know exactly what’s about to happen.
“King!” Will yells as he runs toward us. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I see the smirk on Mel’s face, and I pray to the baseball gods that this doesn’t end with these guys getting into a fight.