by Amber Nicole
e
Dinner is amazing, and I am beyond stuffed. Jase left early and I’m worried about him, but I’m trying to keep up a good front, so as not to ruin this night for the other guys in my life. “So, just a quick pop in. Seriously, I don’t want to be here longer than an hour,” Lay says, facing me and taking my hand to lead me to the Kippa House. I haven’t been back since the pinning ceremony, and if I could avoid it now I would. A chill runs down my spine and I stop walking. I don’t know why, but I know I shouldn’t go into that house tonight. The guys circle me and I give them a shaky smile. “Tonight has been perfect and I just wanted you all to know that I love you and if it wasn’t for you guys saving me these past few months I probably would have gone insane. I know it’s mandatory for you guys to go into that party, but I don’t want this night to end. I suggest going back to the Hawthorne House. Maybe have a party of our own.” I suggest with a wink and Xavier groans, moving closer to me to kiss me hard. “I am so in,” he mumbles against my lips and I smile. Connor pulls him away and gazes into my eyes. “You really love me?” he asks and I nod, before placing a sweet kiss on his lips. He smiles so wide, then rests his forehead against mine. “I’ve been waiting a really long time to hear those words,” he says just for my ears, then pulls me tight to his chest. I glance at Lay and he shoots me a wink. I already know he loves me and he knows I feel the same way. “So ditch the party then?” I ask and they all nod. I spin to leave, but someone starts screeching from the porch. “Are you guys leaving? You can’t leave!” I groan and drop my head, looking at my shoes. So close.
I spin and give Ella a big smile and shrug. “Can you blame me, look how hot my guys look right now,” I say with a smirk. Her eyes flare and she stares down Xavier for a moment, recognition flashing in her eyes. She gives me a fake smile and waves us closer. I glance at the guys and they start moving her way. She has a crocodile smile on her face and the shivers run down my spine once more.
I should have known something was wrong. There were so many signs. I should have known when Jase faked a stomach ache and left early, refusing to kiss me goodbye. Only to find him at the makeshift bar with Penny and East. I should have known when I walked into that party, only to have everyone's eyes on me, before they started to whisper and laugh. I should have known when I saw the projector playing some kind of soft porn, that I tried to avoid looking at. I should have known when Jase came over to say he’s sorry over and over again. I should have known when I got a good look at who was on the screen. I thought it was Jase until the camera zoomed in on a small infinity tattoo behind the guy's ear. I glance at Jase and I am shoved aside. Connor has him on the floor smashing his face in. East comes over to pull him off and he turns on him.
I rush out of the house, Connor and Lay screaming my name behind me. I reach the front steps and take a deep breath in, trying to control my shaking and sobs. Lay grabs me and pulls me to his chest. “I didn’t know, Carson. You have to believe me. I didn’t know,” he says over and over again. I pull away from him and gaze into his emerald green eyes for the last time. “I believe you Lay, but we can never be together, you don’t just belong to me. I’m sorry. I have to go.” I leave him staring after me with tears running down his face. So broken, but I have to get away from this place. I can’t be the one to hold him up right now. It’s time Dorothy returned to Kansas.
I should have known things would end this way. I’m just some backwoods hillbilly. I never belonged here. I should have known, so why didn’t I?
Thirty-Nine
Carson
I throw another top into my suitcase and glance around. Sassy is standing in my doorway on her way to crying once more. I feel numb. I can’t believe they did that to me. I’ve never hurt a soul, so why do people constantly hurt me? Am I not meant to be loved? Yeah my family loves me, but when it comes to finding real love, I guess I’m not worth it.
My phone dings once more and I grab it from the bed and chuck it as hard as I can at the wall. Sassy yelps, but I don’t care at this point. They broke me. Jase, and East are truly dead to me.
The dorm room slams open and a fuming Connor is standing there looking at my destruction.
“I can’t believe he did that to you, Cara.” He goes to move closer, but Sassy holds him back. I chance a glance at his eyes, he looks almost as broken as me. If that’s possible.
“I’m sorry, Con, I just need some time, okay? I need to leave this place before it truly destroys me. I love you.”
Sassy whispers something to him, but I can’t hear it. He turns, grabbing his short hair tight and screaming, before storming out of the room, slamming the door in his wake. I jump and Sassy moves closer to me.
“Cara, please you don’t have to leave. Don’t let them take away the one thing you worked so hard for.” She holds her hand out at me, but I inch further away from her. “You don’t need to be in a sorority. Stay here with me. I mean, Jhonson Hall isn’t that bad,” she says, grabbing my bag, preventing me from packing anymore. Tears fill my eyes once more, and I plop on the floor by my desk, my back hitting the wall. I can’t stay here. They’ve ruined me. Who would want me now after that video? I pray my dad hasn't seen it. I’m a disgrace. How could I let someone change the core of who I am? I wipe my eyes and glance her way. Love and sadness cloud her face.
“I don't know what I would do without you, Sassafras.”
She pulls me up from the floor and into her arms, holding me as I truly let the pain and sorrow wash over me.
“I'm so stupid,” I whisper into her neck. She rubs my back one more time, then gently pushes me away. I glance into her autumn eyes and she looks like she’s on the verge of crying again as well. I know she needs me here. But I just can't stay.
“You’re amazing, Carson, and they are the ones who are stupid. They don't realize they just lost the best thing in their lives.”
I snort and shake my head. They got what they wanted and decided I wasn't worth more.
“Don't even get me started about those Kippa bitches. I told you you were too good for that house.”
All my hopes about having an amazing experience and a lifetime of sisters were crushed the moment I walked in that front door.
“It’s not just that, Sassy,” I whisper, “I mean yes, I always dreamed of following my mother’s path.” I pause and give a demented chuckle. If only she could see me now. Her hope, her legacy. I really fucked that up.
“Stop that right now,” Sassy snaps at me. “I can see those bad thoughts running through your head, and you are wrong, Cara.”
I snort and wipe my nose on the sleeve of one of the guys' hoodies. I should burn them all. I should burn their house down, but I would never do something like that. I guess I haven’t gone insane to that point yet. I still have an ounce of humanity within me.
“I need to go, Sassy.” I choke out before pinching myself to stop the new tears from falling.
“What are you going to do? You should at least finish this semester then maybe transfer.”
“No, I need to get out of Texas. I've had a backup plan from the beginning. I just hoped and prayed that I wouldn't need it.”
She plops on my bed and looks so broken I can't handle it.
“Please, Sassy, don't cry.”
She chuckles but it's sad. I take a deep breath and try not to think of last night. But I know deep down I will never forget.
“I made a promise and I fulfilled it. Texas AMU is not the place for me, but I am thankful for everything it taught me.”
She scoffs and I glance her way. She has a scowl on her face.
“You’re too good for this world, Cara. I'm going to miss you so much.” I wipe my eyes again and take a seat beside her. I’m done crying over them. I am made of stronger stuff. No more tears, Cara. At least until you are back in Kansas.
I grab my suitcase and refold the majority that Sassy dumped when she yanked it away from me. She watches me for a moment then laughs.
“You know the worst part, g
irl? I really thought you’d changed the notorious Hawthorne guys.” I stop what I'm doing and give her a glare.
“I tried to warn you they were bad news, but even I was fooled. I honestly thought they loved you.”
You and me both sister. They fooled everyone. “I really don't want to talk about them ever again, okay?” I ask in a shaky voice.
“Oh, babe, my stupid ass mouth. Of course you don't.”
e
I still can't believe how much my life has changed within the last six hours. I went from having the best night of my life to feeling worthless and questioning what was ever real. How is this my reality? This sounds like some plot from a Dark Bully Romance.
Sassy walks with me to the bus stop, chattering away, trying to keep my mind busy. I’m scared one of the guys is going to try and stop me, but, then again, after what they did, I doubt I mean that much to them. If I did, how could they ever throw me away like I’m trash? I guess I shouldn’t be as shocked as I am, the signs were always there, Jase broke my heart once before.
“You have to stay in touch with me, girl. We may not have known each other long, but you’re my sister from another mister, babe.”
I laugh, though it’s weak, and pull her into a super-tight hug. She pulls away and winks at me, “Hey, you finally gave me a hug clothed. I think I prefer the towel more.”
I roll my eyes and give her a gentle shove.
“I’ve given you plenty of hugs clothed,” I scoff. She shakes her head and gives me a once over. “Have you?” she says while patting her chin with her finger in thought. “I only seem to remember the towel ones.”
I know what she’s doing, and I appreciate it. I pull up my ticket on my phone and scan it at the check in station. We move to the depot and take a seat on the bench. She lies her head on my shoulder and tells me so many random, dirty things about her girlfriend, that I know my face is beet red. I may not be a virgin anymore, but I’ll never be as experienced as her. I close my eyes and let the exhaustion of the past day take over.
“I’m going to miss you, Sassafras,” I say quietly. And it’s the truth, she made this place bearable. “Are you sure there is nothing I can do to make you stay? I know if you leave, Cara, that’s it. You’ll never come back.”
I think about staying for all of two seconds, and then all the heartbreak, lies, betrayal, and misery remind me I need to get the fuck out of dodge. I wipe my eyes and open them, blinking back the tears. Ugh I’m going to cry again.
“No more tears, Cara. You’re strong, and don’t need any man to control you.”
I nod my head and shake my hands out.
“I know. It’s their loss right?” I whisper.
“Damn straight, babe.”
Brakes squeal down the road.
“I guess I better go. It’s a long drive back to Kansas.”
She pulls me in for one more tight hug, then helps me pick up my bags, handing them to me. The bus stops in front of the bench and the doors squeak as they open. I take a deep breath and start ascending the few stairs, turning at the last moment I give her a wave. She’s standing there blowing me kisses and sticking her tongue out. I’m really going to miss her.
I walk down the aisle and find a seat. There are hardly any people around. Probably all enjoying their Valentine’s dates. I was enjoying mine as well until Penny ruined everything.
I take a window seat and set my bags on the seat beside me. I dig out one of my scrapbooks and look at the pictures that have always helped cheer me up. Opening my messages I lean back and block the guys group chat. Then I move to our individual text threads and block them except Connor, Xavier, and Layton. Lay looked so broken, I don’t think he was part of this. The other two can kiss my ass. Anger, another form of heartbreak avoidance. Yeah I think I’d rather be angry than cry. I open Instagram and am immediately swarmed with videos and pictures of my betrayal. I scroll past them looking for anything else to distract me. Memphis has a video of him and his girl Dolly on the red carpet doing some event for a children’s hospital. I haven’t met his girlfriend yet and she seems nice, but Frankie can’t stand her and that causes me concern. Frankie loves everyone.
I close out of the app and send him a message.
Me: I miss you
That’s all I put, then I power off my phone and curl up, resting my head on the window. Goodbye Texas. Good riddance. All you ever gave me was trauma and heartbreak.
Epilogue
Layton
They say depression is what someone goes through when they feel hopeless, worthless … Maybe, or maybe we’re all just sad sometimes. And we don’t need a diagnosis, or medication to make us happy. We just need to feel what we feel.
Growing up, I never expected to live past the age of twenty. If it wasn’t the beatings from my father, it was my sick thoughts. I’d always planned to end my life. To get away from the pain, the torture that was my day to day. To feel peace, free for once. I had it all planned out, well, that was until I met Jase Hawthorne. He became my rock, my best friend, and, later, my soulmate. I always thought he would be my end game, but when I met Carson, my thoughts became muddled, and confused again. When she decided to date us both, I thought my dreams were coming true. That I would get my happily ever after, but now that's gone, the sick thoughts are returning.
I should feel relief, we did it. Finally got the tape back, but I can’t, because I lost the woman of my dreams in the process. I reach the house before anyone else. Jase is still at the party. The party that was supposed to change everything. We had plans tonight. Big plans. We were going to ask Cara to move in with us for the summer. Even got Connor and Xavier on board. A summer beach house in Galveston. I remembered Carson telling me about her short trip before school started and how much she loved it. We wanted to surprise her. I thought all the blackmail bullshit was over, but I should have known Penny had other plans.
I slam the door and grab the first bottle of liquor I can find. Twisting the cap off I take some deep gulps. I can't get the devastated look she gave me when she left out of my head.
I’m worthless. I’m heartless. I never deserved her. There’s no way to make things better.
I wipe my eyes of the tears that won't stop falling and walk out the back door to where my dirt bike is parked. I down another fourth of the vodka and then toss it to the bench on the patio. I don't hear shattering glass so I assume it made it on the cushion. Not that I really care right now. My phone buzzes, but I ignore it. I know it's J. I can’t handle seeing the lies and betrayal in his eyes. One time tonight was enough for me. He should have told me what had happened. I knew. I knew that something was going on around Halloween, but he swore to me that it was nothing. Just normal guilt over having to deceive Carson. I should have known it was more, but I was too caught up in her and the way she made my demons run away.
You’re stupid. You never deserved them. They’re better off without you.
I smack my head. “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” I scream, but the voices, they won’t leave. They mock me. I reach my bike and grab my helmet, staring at it for a moment. Do I really need this? It won’t stop the inevitable. I go to toss it in the direction of the vodka, but I stop and throw it on my head.
If I wear it, maybe they can give me an open casket. I swing my leg over the seat and kick the stand free, before taking one more glance over my shoulder at the home I had always wanted. Even if it was a frat house with a stream of parties, and you could never get rid of the locker room stench. It was mine with the people I loved. A place I felt safe and didn’t worry about going into at night.
It was all lies. They never loved you. They pitied you and your fucked up past. I tug the bottom of my shirt up my stomach to my eyes and wipe the tears again. I just want to be happy. Maybe in the afterlife I’ll finally find peace.
I gas the throttle and take off into the night. Campus is practically dead, everyone is still at the Kippa Valentine’s party. Just an excuse to hook up. I had plans to take Jase and Carson t
o the hotel in town for the night. I splurged and got us a king sized bed and a hot tub. I rip the hotel card from my back pocket, careful not to tip the bike and chuck it at the first couple I see. I don’t care who it is, maybe they’ll have better luck. I speed off campus and turn to the backwoods that run along the college walls. The ground is bumpy and I increase my speed getting a few last moments of fresh air and adrenaline. Making me feel alive. My vision starts to blur from the tears and I let go of one of the handlebars. My phone is still buzzing in my pocket, but I know if I hear his voice I’ll go back to him, and this time I just can’t.
He never loved you. It was all lies. You’re not worthy of love. You’re a waste of breath.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I thought things were changing, but life’s a bitch and then you die. Isn’t that how the saying goes? I glance up and grab the handlebar once more but it’s too late. A tree comes out of nowhere, and at the speed I’m going I know this is going to hurt.
I hit head on and my life flashes before my eyes. I guess that isn’t just an expression. I see the moment I ran into Cara, all the hugs, kisses, and quiet time we spent together. I see the moment Jase kissed me for the first time. The night everything changed. I see my mother and how she tried to love me. And I see him. The man who broke me down until I became nothing. At least I know even in Hell he can’t touch me. My breaths get shorter and the pain starts to numb.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t anyone love me?