And Then There Was Me

by Sadeqa Johnson

  “And desperate.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Desperate. Want me to look it up in the dictionary for you? So desperate for love that you would try and take my husband. After everything that I’ve done for you. My mother has done for you.”

  “Bea, Lonnie’s been cheating long before we had our tryst.”

  “So that makes it right? I trusted you with my life. You don’t get that, do you? You betrayed me.” Bea’s hands shook as she repinned her bun. “But why should I be surprised? You’ve been a hoe since I met you. You even sure Derrick is Amare’s father?”

  They stood glaring at each other with only the kitchen island between them.

  “Little girl, if you had taken the time to put on some lipstick and high heels once in a while instead of running around here in those damn yoga pants, maybe you could have kept your man in your bed. Don’t blame the holes in your marriage on me,” Awilda growled.

  Bea could hog spit in her face. She had shared her mother with this girl and now she had gotten into bed with her husband.

  “Get out.”

  “No. We need to work this out,” Awilda said flatly.

  Bea had not fought anyone since she was eleven. The rolling pin was in the sink and she reached for it. “Get out of my house, now.”

  Awilda looked at her incredulously. “You going to hit me with that? Seriously, Bea. I’m embarrassed and sorry. Didn’t we vow not to let men come between us?”

  “Are you listening to yourself? That man is my husband.” Bea banged the pin against her palm. “Are you in love with him, chili101?”

  Bea watched as the recognition of her screen name washed over her face. “Were you with him when I was giving birth to Sophia?”

  Awilda crossed her arms over her big bosom and Bea couldn’t stop picturing Lonnie unsnapping her bra and taking a huge mouthful. He had always been a breast man.

  “Answer me, damn it, you owe me that much.”

  “Yes.”

  “How could you?”

  “We’re in love with each other.”

  Bea’s hand dropped down to her side.

  “Don’t you get it? It was always me and Lonnie. I was always the girl he wanted but never got. Thought I’d save him for later. I had no idea that when the two of you met it would turn into all of this.” She gestured at their grand kitchen with her hand.

  “So why did you set us up in the first place?”

  “When you went away to college, your mom was worried about you like you were moving to Afghanistan, Beasley. I just thought he’d keep an eye on you. Not marry you.”

  Bea clutched her belly as if she had been punched. “You are just another hoe to him.”

  “It’s different between us. We have history.”

  Bea laughed out her pity. “You sound like all of the floozies I’ve caught him with, stupid.”

  Awilda cut with her eyes.

  “Go. Don’t make me do something we will both regret.”

  “Fine. At least I was honest. That’s more than Lonnie can say.” Awilda trudged out the back door and left it wide open. Most people would slam the door but when Awilda made an exit, she always left the door open. Like: you want me gone, then close the door behind me. She was so petty.

  Bea locked the door behind her. When she turned around the dark horse was right there, making her skin itch. Bea opened up her refrigerator, searching for peace and control. She piled the food on the counter. Ate with blatant fervor, then flushed five days of abstinence down the toilet, along with her friendship and her marriage.

  * * *

  “Dad’s been shot?” Chico slung his backpack onto the floor of Bea’s van.

  “Huh?”

  “Everyone is talking about it in school. Saying that Dad was shot and the police came to our house. Did they?”

  Bea was glad that it was Wednesday and that Alana was still at school for after-school enrichment.

  “Is that why Dad hasn’t been home?”

  “Son.” Bea looked through the rearview mirror, gaging how much he knew and what she should say. She should have been prepared for this but she wasn’t. “Who told you this?”

  “Carter’s uncle is a police officer and now everyone is talking about me. Saying I’m related to the man who broke into a woman’s house around the corner and beat her up in front of her kids.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” To them, all people with a little color looked alike.

  “I’m not going back to school.”

  “Chico.”

  “My name is Alonzo.” He sucked his teeth. “Where’s Daddy? Tell me the truth, Mommy.”

  Bea hadn’t bothered to check on Lonnie since he had been taken to the hospital but she knew he was there. Her mother had called that morning chastising her for not being involved in his recovery.

  Irma said, “Mija, what’s gotten in to you? Lonnie said you haven’t been to visit him once since Saturday. I caught two buses and had to walk up the hill to see him. What’s wrong? He wouldn’t tell me much more.”

  “Not over the phone, Mami.”

  “Is it bad?”

  Bea struggled with whether or not to tell her mother. She would be devastated if she knew it was Awilda because she felt like she’d practically raised the girl, with all the weekends and taking her in after Amare was born.

  “Sweetie, he’s a good man.”

  She didn’t feel like hearing her opinion so she made an excuse and got off the phone.

  Now Chico peered at her from the backseat with those same dark, demanding eyes as her mother. “Answer me, Mama.”

  “Put your seat belt on. Hurry up, I have five minutes before I need to pick up Alana.”

  “Did he get shot? Just tell me!”

  She sighed. “Yes.”

  “What happened?”

  “He was cleaning his gun and didn’t realize it had a bullet in it and accidentally shot himself in the leg.”

  “Dad has a gun?”

  “For recreational use only.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means he only uses it at the gun range. Not on people. It was an accident.” Bea flipped the radio station until she found a song that she thought he would like.

  “You want to wait here while I grab Alana?”

  He nodded.

  Bea got out of the car, took a deep breath, and walked toward the schoolyard. It was only a few feet to where Alana stood on line but in the thirty seconds it took to reach her, it felt like every parent and caretaker glanced at her with a look that asked: Is that the woman whose husband got shot? Bea pushed up her sunglasses and waved to Alana.

  “Hey, baby.” She kissed her daughter on the ear. “How was your day?”

  “Good. I got a hundred on my word sort.”

  “Wonderful, sweetie.”

  “Got any snacks? I’m so hungry.”

  “Yup.”

  When they were buckled back into the car, Bea tossed her a bag of pretzels from her tote bag.

  “Me too.”

  She tossed a bag to Chico, who didn’t even look up to say thank you. His fingers moved over the bike-racing game on his mobile phone.

  * * *

  As soon as they walked through the door, Chico picked up the cordless. “Alana, want to call Dad with me?”

  “Where is he?”

  “In the hospital.”

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  “Dad—”

  “Hurt himself, sweetie. He’s fine.” Bea gave Chico a look that communicated that Alana didn’t need to know all of that. “Call him on his cell phone and take the phone into the family room so that I can concentrate on making dinner.”

  Bea tied her apron around her waist and then looked into the refrigerator. What to serve for dinner had been on her mind all day, though she hadn’t come up with anything. All of the choices in front of her made her feel lethargic. Bea removed the half-gallon of lemonade and sat down at the island, drinking it straight fro
m the container.

  “I thought you told me not to drink from the bottle?” Chico smiled. “Dad wants you.”

  “What’s for dinner?” Alana bounced in behind her brother. “I have homework on the computer tonight.”

  “Really?” Bea hoped this time Alana’s password worked. Last school year the system had been buggy. The teacher had said it was because Alana was new.

  “Here, Mom.” Chico stretched the phone.

  “Start your homework, please. And no fighting.”

  “Can I have some lemonade?”

  “Get a cup.”

  Bea left the lemonade and took the phone out onto the back patio. She closed the sliding door behind her before she opened her mouth.

  “What?”

  “Hey, babe.”

  “Lonnie.”

  “I can’t get a ‘hey, babe,’ back?”

  She stayed quiet, waiting for him to state his business. When he didn’t, she asked, “What do you want?”

  “You.”

  She blew air through her teeth.

  “They got the bullet out safely. It didn’t hit anything important, just damaged some tissue. I’m getting out tomorrow and I need you to come and get me.”

  “Take a taxi. Or ask Awilda.”

  “Come on, Bea. They will only release me to the next of kin.”

  “Whatever, Lonnie.”

  “Seriously, my nurse told me that a few minutes ago. Please be here around nine. I need you.”

  Bea didn’t know if it was a lie or the truth but she agreed.

  “Mom, can I watch TV?”

  “Do what you want.”

  “Can I watch Austin & Ally?”

  “I don’t care.”

  Alana did her happy dance. Bea abhorred most of those silly shows but talking to Lonnie had made her too pooped to parent.

  “Chico, I’m going to take a nap. Keep an eye on Alana.”

  He looked up from his phone. “Are you sick?”

  Yes, she thought. I am sick. In the head and in the heart. “Just please don’t bother me.” Bea climbed the stairs. Her body was completely out of whack from taking the pills, then skipping a few days, and now taking them again. A familiar fatigue settled on her shoulders. Her life was a mess. She’d lost her husband and the closest thing she had to a sister in the same minute.

  The crazy part was that Lonnie and Awilda acted as if they were owed her swift forgiveness in the name of their triangular friendship. Their attitudes didn’t account for her feelings and she was the one done wrong. It was more like we accidentally slept together, sorry. Forgive us. They reminded her of two wayward children.

  Bea pulled back the covers on her bed and got in, knowing that there came a time when sorry didn’t cut it. She was done being the doormat that Lonnie wiped his feet on as he walked into another woman’s house. Especially now that it was Awilda’s house. Out of the billions of people in the world, how could they do it? She didn’t care how they’d felt about each other in high school. Now was now, and wrong was absolutely wrong. Joney was right. Lonnie did what she had allowed and it was up to her to stop it.

  * * *

  Bea closed her eyes thinking about Derrick. Imagining what he would do to Lonnie if he found out. A scene of them fist fighting played out colorfully in her mind. It seemed like a quick dream but when Chico shook her awake, darkness draped.

  “Mom. It’s eight o’clock. It’s time for Alana to go to bed. I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and gave her a cookie for dessert. She wouldn’t eat the carrots but I ate mine. What’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m fine, sweetie. Just…” Bea sat up in her bed and pushed her hair over her shoulders. She felt like a terrible parent for sleeping through the evening rush. It was certainly a first.

  “Tell me what’s wrong, Mommy.”

  Bea pulled Chico to her chest. How do you explain to an adolescent boy the ugly side of marriage? The side that no one tells you about before you say I do? Bea had put her belief in marriage. When things went wrong, she nursed her wounds and went back with the full belief that things could get better. That if Lonnie would just keep his attention on her, they could overcome the odds and attain the miracle of a happy and successful marriage. Do what her mother couldn’t do legally with her father. Be more than just her happy holiday card. But this, with Awilda, was different. It had shoved her headfirst through the hole in the wall.

  “Did she shower?”

  “No, she wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “Tell her I said to put on her pajamas and I’ll come tuck her in.”

  Bea’s temples throbbed. In her bathroom sink she cupped her hands under the faucet and drank greedily from the tap. It tasted disgusting but she was too thirsty to care.

  “Mom, do you have a migraine?” Alana jumped up from her reading corner.

  “Where did you get that word from?”

  “Chico said it.”

  “I’m fine, butterbean.”

  “Why didn’t you wake up?”

  “Just tired.”

  “We didn’t do my computer homework.”

  “Can we do it in the morning?”

  “My Scholastic book order is due, Mommy, and you promised I could order this time since you forgot to give me the check last time.”

  “In the morning.”

  Alana got out of the chair. “Can I sleep in your bed since Daddy’s not home?”

  “Not tonight. Maybe over the weekend.”

  “But I’m scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “I think there is something under my bed.”

  Bea knelt down on the floor and checked. The movement pulled on her incision from the C-section. “Just shoes, baby.” She got up and closed the curtains, then she handed Alana two stuffed bears.

  “Good night.”

  “Can you leave the hallway light on?”

  “Okay.”

  Bea made her way down to Chico’s room. He was bent over his notebook and it made her proud that he was doing the right thing without her having to nag him. She watched her son from the doorway, wondering what type of husband he would be.

  “Don’t stay up too late, son.”

  “’K.”

  Bea shut his door.

  As she moved down the hall she could feel the dark horse breathing, coaxing, urging. She turned toward the stairs and then caught herself on the top step. She turned away from the steps and went down the hallway to her bedroom. Sleep felt like the lesser of the two evils.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Foxtrot

  Bea dressed carefully the next morning. She dug out her best pair of jeans, the ones that hadn’t fit since before she got pregnant with Sophia, and paired them with a tangerine shirt and bronze jewelry. Her hair was loose and hung below her shoulders.

  “Where’re you going?” asked Alana.

  “I have to run some errands this morning.” She left off the part about picking up Lonnie.

  “You look like the mommies on TV who go to work.”

  Bea smiled. In the back of her mind, she had visions of going back to work. Had even skimmed the career sites for a few job postings. With all that was going on, she was afraid of what her being committed to a job outside of the home would mean for her children. She was already sleeping through the evening; what would a full-time job do to her?

  “Come on, don’t want to be late,” she called, while tucking an apple and banana into her tote bag.

  After dropping the kids off, she popped her pill, turned the radio dial to Morning Edition, and munched on her fruit breakfast. Control, she had to eat with control. The back roads were clear and it didn’t take her long to arrive at Overlook hospital.

  Lonnie sat on the edge of the hospital bed, still in his gown. Begrudgingly, Bea had put on her wife cape that morning and packed him a change of clothes: dark jeans and a sweater. She handed him the overnight bag.

  “Thanks, baby.”

  She took a seat in front of the bed.


  “How are the kids?”

  “Fine. You ready? I have someplace to be,” she lied.

  “And I thought you dressed up for me. You look so pretty. I’ve missed you.”

  Bea looked out the window. Lonnie hopped up on his good leg and tucked his crutches under his arms. “Can you open the bathroom door for me?”

  Bea rolled her eyes as she walked to the tiny bathroom and opened the door. As Lonnie passed her, she could feel the heat from his body and turned her face just at the moment he leaned in to kiss her.

  “Just hurry up.” She pushed him off.

  The nurse entered. “Mrs. Colon?”

  Bea searched the pale woman’s face, wondering if she had caught their exchange.

  “Here are his discharge papers. His prescription has already been called in to the pharmacy closest to your house and should be ready soon. Bandages should be changed daily and the wound cleaned. No baths or direct showers on the leg for a week. His follow-up appointment is November sixteenth.”

  Bea took the paperwork and thanked the nurse. Lonnie came out of the bathroom. She had purposely picked clothes that weren’t his best and he still managed to look good.

  “Do you want a wheelchair, Mr. Colon?”

  “No, my wife and I will take it from here.”

  As soon as the nurse closed the door, Bea looked at him and said, “I don’t want to be near you.”

  “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “You slept with Awilda. How could that not hurt?”

  “I know what I’ve done was wrong. I can see how much pain I’ve caused.”

  “You don’t know anything, Lonnie.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” He sat back down. “It was like she was pursuing me. Since high school, really, but you know she’s not my type. That’s why we were always goofing off together—because there was nothing there.”

  Bea tapped her foot. He said, she said.

  “That night in the car, when you told me to take her home after the barbeque. She did mean she wanted to have sex with me. I left that part out because you were pregnant with Mena’s baby and I didn’t want to upset you.”