Bea was in Macy’s when she spied a shapely woman with big hair and immediately thought it was Awilda. When the woman turned, she realized it wasn’t her. Bea stopped in the middle of the girls’ department between the wool coats and hats and cried. The tears ran down her face before she could catch them.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?” Alana had climbed out from beneath a clothes rack and looked up from the floor.
“Nothing, baby. I just got some dust in my eyes.”
“Is that like when you cut onions and cry?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.” She went back to playing her made-up game.
Bea blew her nose with the used tissue she found in her pocket. Not having Awilda in her life had been like nursing a constant toothache and the pain wasn’t getting any easier to deal with. Most days she would just put her feelings on ice until she felt numb. But it was the little things that reminded her of Awilda. Two women buying bread at the open-air market, hearing the wind at her back door and believing it to be Awilda walking through unannounced for dinner. They had that kindred spirit between them that sometimes Bea just had to think of Awilda and her phone would ring.
As she was putting the packages in the back of her van, her cell phone vibrated in her pocket. She knew without looking that it was her. Bea hesitated and then answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“Bea?”
“Yes.”
“Derrick’s in the hospital. He’s had a seizure.”
Bea gripped the phone. “Are you kidding me?”
“No.”
“I have to run home and grab Chico and then I’ll be on my way.”
“Overlook. Hurry.”
* * *
“Where’re we going?” Chico stumbled out to the car in a hoody and a hat.
“Why didn’t you put a coat on?”
“I don’t know. Where are we going?”
“To the hospital.”
“Why?”
“Uncle Derrick isn’t feeling well.”
“Are we going to the one that has the children’s play area?” Alana asked.
“Yes. I don’t know. Listen, I need quiet so that Mommy can think. Hold your questions.”
“Can we talk to each other?”
“Softly.”
Bea turned the music up because she didn’t know what else to do to ease her nerves rattling in that space between her heart and chest. Then she thought of her mother and Bea knew what she would do. She said a prayer with her eyes on the road. She prayed to St. Juliana, the patron saint of chronic illnesses. She was her mother’s favorite saint and so Bea asked her to help Derrick and to heal him.
When she arrived at the hospital, the kids ran to Awilda, who sat alone in the waiting area flipping through a magazine. She looked shocked. Her hair was frizzy; her sweatpants were the ones Bea could picture her wearing around the house on cleaning day.
“Hey guys,” she said weakly with her arms around both kids. “I’ve missed you two.”
“Why haven’t you been over?” Chico stepped back, like too much public affection would ruin his reputation.
Awilda glanced at Bea. “Things have been busy but I’ve thought of you.”
“I wanted to go to Amare’s basketball game but Mom said no. Can you just pick me up next time?” Chico asked.
Awilda looked at Bea and told him of course. Alana sat in Awilda’s lap sniffing her scent and rubbing her hair. Bea sat across from them. Watching the reunion scene.
“You look nice,” Awilda commented.
Bea liked the compliment but tried her best not to show it. “How’s Derrick?”
“He’s stable.”
“Can I see him?”
“Yeah. I’ll stay with the kids.”
Awilda gave her Derrick’s room number and Bea walked down the hall and rapped lightly on the door.
“Hey there.” She walked in.
“Bea.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. Where’ve you been?”
“I got a job.”
“You what?”
“Yup, working as a school nurse in Newark.”
“Do I say congratulations? Is everything okay at home?”
Bea looked down at her fingers. “Lonnie moved out.”
“Man.”
“It’s tough on some days but it really is for the best. We’ve gone as far as we can.”
“Are you sure?”
Bea nodded, searching his eyes to gauge how much he knew. Derrick coughed and Bea poured him some ice water from the plastic pitcher, then pushed his tray closer.
“Thanks.”
“How have you two been?” She rolled her eyes toward the door.
“Getting along pretty well. Awilda’s been more agreeable lately. She said you two had a fight?”
Bea thought for a moment. Derrick was one of the good guys and Bea decided in that moment that she would not introduce him to her pain.
“Yeah, you know Wilde. Always doing something.”
“She really misses you. You should see how she’s been sulking around the house. Whatever it is, you two have been friends for too long not to work it out.”
Bea smiled at him. “You get yourself better.”
“I’m serious, Bea.”
“I know, Derrick, I know.” She squeezed his hands. “I better go check on my kids. How long are you supposed to be here?”
“I’m hoping they’ll let me go tomorrow. When I get home, I could sure use some of your lasagna and a bowl of your mother’s soup.”
“Consider it done.”
* * *
Awilda was standing up when Bea returned to the lobby.
“Derrick is awake.”
“Kids, why don’t you go down and see Uncle Derrick? He’s in room 411.” Alana led the way down the hall.
“It’s on the left,” Bea called. “No running.”
The waiting room was traditionally decorated with four brown chairs sitting in a row. Two end tables piled with magazines and a coffee table.
“Sit a minute?” Awilda asked her. Bea moved to the chair.
“I didn’t tell Derrick if that’s what you want to know.”
Awilda breathed a visible sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“I thought you didn’t want him anymore.”
“I thought that I didn’t either.”
“I’m getting a divorce from Lonnie. I’ve started filing the papers, hired a lawyer and everything.”
“Bea. Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Most days.” Bea couldn’t believe how easy it was for her to be honest with Awilda. She wanted to punch her in the face until her eyeballs bled but she also wanted a hug.
“I’ve started going to yoga. Hot yoga.”
“You?”
“My next-door neighbor, Joney, convinced me. It’s been helping me a lot actually.”
Somehow, without Bea’s permission, they slipped back into friendship and they talked about what had been going on in their lives recently. Awilda couldn’t believe that Bea had gotten a job.
“And so far away from home? I can’t believe you drive all the way down there every day. Would have pegged you for picking something in the suburbs.”
“It’s actually good to be in the city. The kids are hypochondriacs but they keep me entertained with their stories and I think it offers me balance.”
“How’s Irma?”
“I told her.”
Awilda looked at the ground. “I know, she called me and told me off on my answering machine. Luckily it was my cell so Derrick didn’t hear it. She blames me for you throwing Lonnie out of the house and asked me to fix it.”
“Fix it how?”
“I don’t know. Get you two back together.”
“That woman. She just doesn’t get it.”
“She means well.”
Awilda looked Bea in the eyes. “I know now that Lonnie wasn’t for me. I think the fantasy of us bein
g together all of these years made me do it. But I’m over it. He’s out of my system. I promise you that.”
Alana walked back in. “Uncle Derrick wants you, Auntie.”
“Guess that’s my cue. Wanna do lunch or something?”
Bea shook her head. “Not really.”
“Well, when I call, will you at least pick up the telephone?” Awilda walked over and gave Bea a quick kiss on the cheek, then disappeared through the doors.
THIRTY-ONE
Can’t Help Who You Love
Bea knew from the beginning of her marriage with Lonnie that she was not marrying her best friend. She was marrying a man who would provide for her, love her to the best of his ability, and who she hoped would be a good father.
But we all need something more, and what Bea needed, Awilda gave. Gave her the extra nourishment. From the moment thirteen-year-old Awilda walked through Bea’s front door like she’d been there before, they were destined to make memories. They could lay on her bed for hours doing nothing but listening to music and talking, sharing secrets, and planning their futures, which always had each other in it. Always had them as maid of honor, godmother, and ultimate best friend. Awilda knew everything about Bea, down to her first crush, first kiss, and the boy she lost her virginity to with the time, date, and place stamped in her memory. She knew how devastated Bea was when she lost her father and the hole in her heart from never knowing her sisters. Awilda showed Bea how to kiss and what it would feel like when a boy touched you here or there. Awilda was in the room when Chico was born and the only reason why she missed Alana’s birth was because she had been at a doctor’s appointment with Derrick, as he was undergoing the test for his MS. Awilda introduced Bea to her first joint and taught her how to talk the latest slang. She was Bea’s right to her left.
Bea was a lot of things to Awilda too—the voice of reason, the one who could talk Awilda off the ledge and put her to bed until her sense returned. She kept Awilda and Derrick together and was there when Awilda couldn’t go to her own mother. They were two halves of the same whole. They had managed to hold onto a twenty-year relationship with ups and down and spins and turns. Awilda had hurt Bea to her core, but where would her life be if she went on not forgiving her? Joney had once told her that, “Until you forgive, you cannot move forward.” And Bea wanted nothing more than to move forward. She had come so far in such a short amount of time, and she knew in order to be who she wanted to be, she had to try.
The phone stood on the wall, the same phone on which she had listened to both good news and bad. Bea put it to her ear and dialed the number she knew by heart.
ALSO BY SADEQA JOHNSON
Love in a Carry-On Bag
Second House from the Corner
About the Author
SADEQA JOHNSON is a former public relations manager who spent years working with well-known authors such as J. K. Rowling, Bebe Moore Campbell, Amy Tan, and Bishop T. D. Jakes before becoming an author herself. Her debut novel, Love in a Carry-On Bag, was the recipient of the 2013 Phillis Wheatley Award for Best Fiction and the 2012 USA Best Book Award for African-American Fiction. She is also the author of Second House from the Corner and currently resides in Virginia with her husband and three children. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Part 1
One : Playing Chicken
Two: Operation Sneaky
Three: Never Enough
Four: Fresh Air
Five: Daddy’s Home
Six: Mother Suburb
Seven: TGIF
Eight: Sleepover
Nine: Anything But
Ten: The Low Down
Eleven: Road Trip
Part 2
Twelve: Food Porn
Thirteen: Life After
Fourteen: Accidents Happen
Fifteen: Forced
Sixteen: Promises Kept
Seventeen: Naked and Afraid
Eighteen: Sniffing for Happy
Nineteen: Fright
Twenty: Adult Social
Twenty-One: Undercover
Twenty-Two: Spreading like Wildfire
Twenty-Three: Foxtrot
Part 3
Twenty-Four: Hotter than July
Twenty-Five: The Last Supper
Twenty-Six: Fresh Air
Twenty-Seven: The Only Way to Get Ahead
Twenty-Eight: Crush
Twenty-Nine: It’s Getting Late
Thirty: A Lifetime of Lifelines
Thirty-One: Can’t Help Who You Love
Also by Sadeqa Johnson
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
THOMAS DUNNE BOOKS.
An imprint of St. Martin’s Press.
AND THEN THERE WAS ME. Copyright © 2017 by Sadeqa Johnson. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.thomasdunnebooks.com
www.stmartins.com
Cover art by Kerri Resnick
Cover photographs: beach chairs © PlainPicture/Elektrons; hat © Wikanda/Shutterstock.com; white hat © Fashionall/Shutterstock.com
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-07416-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-4668-8582-0 (e-book)
e-ISBN 9781466885820
Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at [email protected].
First Edition: April 2017
And Then There Was Me Page 24