Shattered Dreams

by Laura Landon

  They sat in silence while the carriage rocked on its way. His first thought was that he should be a better companion and keep a conversation going, then realized there were times when silence was preferable. This was one of those times.

  After a few minutes, he felt a change in her and looked down. “What?” he asked when he noticed the smile on her face.

  “I was just thinking what a wonderful time I had this summer.”

  “Wonderful? How can you say you had a wonderful summer?”

  “Oh, Waverley is not what I’ll remember when I think back.”

  “What will you remember?”

  Her smile broadened. “I’ll remember our races every morning. And my first croquet match. How special you made every day for me when you didn’t have to.” She paused. “And my first waltz.”

  His heart swelled in his chest. He’d never forget the first time he saw her race across the meadow. Or the gleam in her eyes when she challenged him. He’d never forget the first time she trusted him enough to hand over her cane and let him be her support. Or the first time he held her in his arms and danced with her. Each one would be a memory he’d always cherish.

  But something about her statement disturbed him. “You talk as if you assume there won’t be any more memories to remember. Is that what you think?”

  She lifted her gaze and met his. “I’m simply stating a fact. Our summer party is coming to an end and I’m so glad you were invited. You were the most gracious companion any girl ever dreamed of having. As well as the most attentive. And the most handsome. Both Patience and Lilly warned me you would be before they realized I’d met you.”

  “Warned you?” he asked. “What exactly did they warn you about?”

  “They warned me to beware because you were the most sought-after man in London. They said your name was at the top of every debutante’s list of eligible husbands. That you were not only wealthy beyond description, but one of the most charming and intelligent men in London. And you have the distinction of being known as a rake of the worst kind.”

  His eyes opened wide. “I see I’ve acquired quite a reputation. I’m not sure I’m capable of living up to such high standards.”

  She laughed. “I doubt I’m telling you anything new. For years you’ve no doubt realized what people said about you. And enjoyed every scandalous word.”

  Brent couldn’t help but laugh. He had been aware of his reputation and even been proud of it at times. But he didn’t want Elly to think of him in those terms.

  “I’m not sure what this has to do with the time we spent together.”

  Elly’s cheeks darkened and she lowered her gaze to a spot on the other side of the carriage. “Everyone knows you can have any woman you want.”

  “Which you assume eliminates you?”

  “Please, Brent. Don’t insult me.”

  She clenched her hands together in her lap but when he moved to place his hand over hers she pulled them out of his reach.

  “When Harrison first told me his plans for a summer party I tried to think where I could go for two weeks. But when I mentioned that I wanted to leave, he was adamant that I stay. He said that each of my brothers had invited a young lady who was special to them and he wanted my opinion of their choices.

  “At first I thought Harrison had invented the story.” She smiled. “I didn’t even know any of my brothers were acquainted with someone. But now I’m not so sure. George seems quite taken with Lady Brianna and Jules with Miss Hastings. And Spence...well, I have no doubt he and Lady Hannah are an excellent match.”

  “Why would you think Harrison invented a reason to invite guests to The Down?”

  “I thought perhaps he’d found out—” She stopped.

  “What did you think he’d discovered?”

  “That I— I—“

  “What?”

  “For more than a year I’ve corresponded with a certain gentleman. He writes the most charming letters and keeps me informed of all the latest happenings in London. I dearly look forward to receiving his letters.”

  “Do you know his name?”

  “Who he calls himself? Or who he really is?”

  “You think your secret admirer is a fraud?”

  Elly giggled. “My secret admirers are my sisters.”

  He couldn’t hide his surprise. Fortunately, she didn’t realize he knew about her admirer, but thought his reaction was out of shock that her sisters would do something so underhanded.

  “I know, Lord Charfield. You find it hard to believe that my two innocent-acting sisters would pretend to be my admirer. But it’s true.”

  “How did you discover this?”

  “I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t realize it immediately. It wasn’t until the second or third letter. That’s when my charming suitor used the same quaint saying for which my sister Lilly has a fondness. After that, it was a matter of taking note of all the details to which my admirer knew the answers. For instance: my favorite color, my favorite food, my favorite flower. There wasn’t one single thing on which my admirer and I didn’t agree. Can you imagine anyone more boring?”

  Brent laughed. Oh, she had her whole family fooled. “And you think I have been patronizing you, that I was tricked into partnering you?”

  “Not tricked, exactly. Perhaps coerced would be a better term. Let me explain. I want you to know that I enjoyed your company more than any person’s I’ve ever spent time with and I wouldn’t give up one moment of our time together. But I’m afraid you were deceived.”

  “How is that?”

  “Surely you noticed that every guest invited to the party had a companion. Every guest except you. And me. You were an intended victim, Lord Charfield.”

  “I hardly feel like a victim.”

  “Thank you,” she said with a smile. “But that doesn’t change matters. Even though you were brought here under false pretenses, I will forever be grateful to whichever of my siblings thought of having this party. You made me feel very special and I’ll always cherish that.”

  “You don’t believe I was sincere?”

  She smiled again, but this time her smile held a hint of sadness. “Of course not. You are very gallant. You’ve had years to practice such chivalry. But I haven’t taken anything that’s happened this summer seriously.”

  “What if I asked you to?”

  Her smile faded. “I couldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Have you forgotten why I avoid London and prefer to stay here? Have you forgotten that you’ve had to carry me wherever I need to go?”

  “Actually, I had. And I’ve only had to carry you because you were injured, and that hasn’t been an imposition at all. I enjoyed having you in my arms too much to think about the reason you were there.”

  She blushed again. “Please, don’t. I’m trying very hard to keep these last weeks in perspective.”

  “So am I.”

  “No, you’re being charming and heroic and wonderfully endearing. But your efforts are only making matters more difficult.”

  He turned so he could face her more directly. “I’m trying to show you what I see when I look at you. I’ve grown very fond of you during the past several weeks.”

  She shook her head and Brent knew no amount of words would convince her. She needed proof.

  He knew of only one kind of proof she might believe. Before she could turn away from him, he lowered his head and kissed her.

  Chapter 23

  Elly knew nothing could come of the emotions running rampant through her. She knew the dreams of a future with the Earl of Charfield would only end up shattered the same as so many others had. Yet every time he kissed her she lost all sense of what was real and what was fantasy.

  Somehow he made kissing him in a moving carriage the most remarkable experience ever.

  He braced his elbows on either side of her and cradled her head in the palms of his hands. Then moved his mouth over hers.

  She couldn’t get enough of him.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, then opened her mouth beneath his to allow him to kiss her more deeply.

  She wasn’t sure why she thought it was important to remember every sensation she felt when kissing him, wasn’t sure why she thought it was important to memorize the feel of his touch. Perhaps because she knew she’d never experience such wonder again. Perhaps because she knew when he left their paths would never cross again. Perhaps because her mind knew for a fact what her heart refused to accept.

  “Does this give you an idea of how fond I am of you?”

  She didn’t answer him. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to consider for a moment that he might be serious. He couldn’t be. He was the Earl of Charfield, the most sought-after bachelor in London.

  He was nearing thirty, yet he’d never been married. Why? Because even the most perfect of the debutantes hadn’t been what he was looking for in a wife. She wouldn’t be foolish enough to believe that he’d found what he was searching for in her. And yet...

  He brought his mouth down on hers again and kissed her with a passion raw with desire. She wouldn’t let herself believe she could mean something to him. But that didn’t mean she could stop herself from developing feelings for him. Deep feelings.

  Feelings so intense she ached from them.

  But she didn’t love him.

  She wouldn’t allow herself to fall completely in love with him. That would be disastrous. She would love him just a little. Like she loved the special quiet at dawn or the vibrant colors of a perfect sunset. Like she loved the freedom of riding at full gallop over the fields and meadows, or the fresh smell after a spring rain. That’s how she would love him. Like something special. Like something she would yearn for until she experienced it again. Except this was the only time she would ever know what loving him was like.

  He turned his head and deepened his kiss.

  She raked her fingers through his thick hair, enjoying the feel of it as it curled around her fingers, and she pressed him against her.

  Her breaths came in sharp, jagged gasps, as if he were taking the lifeless air from her body and replacing it with a charged substance that could explode at any moment. She held onto him and let him take her to that magical place they always aimed to reach.

  Suddenly, his mouth lifted from hers and he pulled away with a loud, agonized gasp.

  She wasn’t ready for this to be over and tried to pull him back.

  “We’re home.”

  “At The Down?”

  “Yes.”

  Before they were ready, the carriage door opened and a footman lowered the steps.

  “Is your mistress’s room ready?” Brent asked as he lifted her from the carriage.

  “Yes, my lord. Lord Fellingsdown sent word earlier that Lady Elyssa would be returning.”

  Brent nodded then carried her up the walk and through the open front doors. She knew he’d take her to her room and Genny would be there to take care of her. She wouldn’t see him again unless she sent for him. Or perhaps he’d send word that he was leaving The Down. All the other guests were already gone so there would be no reason for him to stay.

  She couldn’t let him go. Not yet. Not before...

  “Make love to me,” she whispered.

  There was no doubt he heard her. They were nearly a third the way to the top of the stairs and he stopped. One foot halted as he took a step upward and the muscles in his arms jerked. He lowered his gaze.

  “Love me,” she repeated.

  He took in several shallow gasps and his breathing turned heavy. He opened his mouth, then closed it, as if he couldn’t find the words he needed. He took the stairs with greater determination and walked past her maid.

  “Genny,” she heard herself say, “I won’t need your help. You may leave.”

  “Y...yes, Miss.”

  Genny’s cheeks turned scarlet and her gaze dropped to the floor and didn’t lift.

  “Thank you, Genny,” Elly said, refusing to let her maid’s reaction affect her. “I’ll call you when I need you.”

  “Yes, Miss.” Genny bobbed nervously then rushed from the room.

  “She knows,” Brent said when the door closed behind the maid.

  “I don’t care.” And she didn’t. She didn’t care about anything except being in Brent’s arms and being kissed by him, and touched by him, and being loved by him.

  “Kiss me,” she said as she raised her head to meet his lips.

  She didn’t know how they reached the bed but when he lifted his mouth from hers she realized she was lying on the mattress with a pillow beneath her head.

  “Are you sure, Elly?”

  “Yes. I’m sure. Would you mind?”

  He laughed. The sound was different from any laugh she’d heard from him before. This one was hoarse and throaty, and filled with passion.

  “That’s not exactly a question a woman usually asks a man before...well, before.”

  “I know, but I haven’t had much experience with this sort of thing.”

  “Much?”

  She felt her cheeks warm. “Any.”

  “You know what’s going to happen, don’t you?”

  Elly breathed a sigh. “I know. Except it won’t if you don’t stop talking.”

  He laughed and she studied his high, arched cheek bones and grew warm all over. She looked at the strong angle of his jaw and noticed the faint shadow across his face like Harrison got when he visited and took the luxury of not shaving twice during the day. She wanted to touch his face.

  She reached out her hand and cupped her palm to his cheek. A quivering ribbon snaked down her arm, through her chest, then down further to that hidden place between her thighs.

  Some primitive need exploded inside her and forced her to admit she was desperate to have him touch her.

  “Brent? Please.”

  He ground out a deep growl that shook of emotion then lowered his head and kissed her again.

  Elly wasn’t sure how it happened or when, but one piece of clothing after another came off between his kisses until she was naked. She knew she should be embarrassed but she wasn’t. Nor was she worried that he’d see her foot because the doctor had wrapped it several times to keep it from being jostled while they traveled.

  He came over her slowly, taking care not to touch her ankle, then lowered his body onto hers until his warm flesh pressed against hers. A thousand starbursts exploded inside her.

  “Do you know how often I’ve dreamed of having you?”

  “Have you?” she asked, not caring that his words weren’t true.

  She’d dreamt of having him, too, and was about to realize her dreams. She lifted her hands and brought his head down to kiss him. Fiery flames ignited with each kiss and touch of his hands caressing her.

  Their lovemaking was magical and she trembled as he led her to a place she’d never imagined existed.

  There was pain but she’d expected it and knew it wouldn’t last. He held still inside her until she relaxed again, then moved in a slow, steady rhythm that carried her to someplace high above the clouds.

  She clasped her fingers around his shoulders and held on with an all-consuming fierceness until she could hold on no longer. She gave in to the emotions raging within her and fell from the high cliff she’d climbed.

  Before her rampaging heart could slow, she heard his voice call her name. Nothing had ever sounded sweeter, more perfect.

  She clasped him to her and cradled him in her arms. This was what she would always remember. His rough stubble pressed against her tender flesh. His heart thundering with such ferocity she could feel it beating against her breasts. His heavy body resting blessedly atop her, his fit perfect.

  For a long while she simply held him. She let her hands move over his corded shoulders and down his sinewy arms. She touched every part of him she could reach, trying desperately to memorize every inch of him. The day would come when he wasn’t here to see or touch or kiss. She would have to draw upon her memories of this one time
he’d made love to her.

  Eventually, he pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at her. She knew her magical time was over but refused to have any regrets. Brent had given her a memory she would always cherish.

  She tried to smile at him, but his unbelievably handsome face blurred from the tears that filled her eyes.

  “Are you all right?”

  His voice was filled with concern and Elly swiped at the tears that rolled from the corner of her eyes then put a smile on her face.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful?” she said, struggling to get the words out.

  His smile broadened and he slid to her side and pulled her to him. “I hear it all the time, sweetheart. You’ll have to come up with something more ingenious.”

  Elly laughed and laid her head against his shoulder. “What if I told you that you were amazing?”

  “Just amazing?” He sounded disappointed.

  “Remarkable?”

  “That’s better, but I’m sure you can find a more fitting word.”

  “I can,” she said cupping his cheek with her hand. “But I’m not sure it’s wise for me to say it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re already a very confident person. My complimentary opinion of you will only build on your exalted estimation of your abilities.”

  “Tell me,” he said, leaning over her. He kissed her on the mouth then moved his kisses down her throat and lower yet. “Tell me.”

  His kisses set her skin on fire and she knew if she didn’t stop him now they’d repeat what they’d just done. And they couldn’t. For as much as she wanted to make love to him again and again, she knew each time would only increase her chances of being with child.

  And, for as much as she wanted to have a child—

  No, for as much as she wanted to have Brent’s child, she didn’t want the child they’d created to grow up with the stigma of being illegitimate.

  “Tell me,” he demanded again, and this time Elly stopped his teasing by cupping his face between her palms.

  “You are perfect. Absolutely, remarkably, undoubtedly perfect. I wouldn’t have wanted the man to whom I’d chosen to give myself to be anyone but you.”