We were chased and pressured to inhuman extents, and even if Richmond Corp stood tall in this outrageous breakthrough, it wasn't enough to shield us from this hard-hitting storm.
I had to keep her out of this; else her life would have become a living hell. I would have lost my sanity if Emma had to face any sort of emotional, mental or reputational abuse in the hands of the twisted system. She didn't deserve to suffer the repercussions of the stigmatic outcomes arising from my family's uncanny wrongdoings, which in the first place, she had nothing to do with.
Amidst all this, the only thing that could bring me relief was the possibility of having Emma walk out of this exasperating situation, strain-free.
I ghosted on her for weeks and then disappeared like a coward to protect her from being in the limelight. Augustin and I pulled several strings to ensure Emma didn't become a part of any ongoing investigation. She didn't deserve the harassment that came with the territory.
It took a lot from me to resolve the hell that was let loose after that toxic revelation, and finally, as the dust settled a bit, the feeling of emptiness in my soul began to dominate my days.
My therapy and counselling sessions failed to heal my wounded heart, and the regret that resided as the most irreplaceable part of my anatomy won every single time.
Yes, I pushed her away.
Yes, I made her go through hell.
Yes, I broke her heart, again; and,
Yes, I didn't deserve her.
But what other choice did I have?
At last, I reached out to Mark; I had a strong intuition that he would be in touch with her. I tried to stop myself. I really did. I spent two restless nights, couldn't sleep a wink for two says straight, but still couldn't contain the volcano of emotions building inside me.
Not anymore.
Curiosity took the better of me, and finally, I called him to know about her.
I think this was rather the bigger mistake I did because after I heard from him about the pain Emma had been enduring, my wounded heart got completely broken.
Mark was mad at me too, he addressed me by my first name, snatching away the respect he held for me as his boss. I deserved every bit of his wrath, and I silently engulfed it, accepting that this was just the tip of the iceberg.
I always knew he had feelings for her, and perhaps he was the better man standing in her life at the moment. The rage in his words and the fury in his voice reflected the sufferings that I had inflicted on Emma, all this time.
Part of me was glad that Mark helped her through this, and I wanted to give Emma the space to finally move on and find her happiness.
But the other part of me was dying every second, drowning in the guilt of letting her go. This conceited selfish part, wanted to fight for her, wanted to reach out and apologise, wanted to own the mistakes and regain her trust; this selfish part wanted one last chance to happiness. I knew as a fact, that I will never be able to take any other woman in my life, no woman could ever replace her, and living without her meant living a hopeless, lonely life until my last breath.
I would have lived in peace thinking that in this whole wide universe, lived my Emma in some happy place, contented and peaceful.
However, after knowing that she was barely coping, and felt lifeless thinking that I never loved her and abandoned her because that was easy for me, I couldn't resist myself anymore. I could not let her feel worthless and unimportant when in reality, she was way better and above anything and everything my rich, luxurious life had combined.
I decided to meet her one last time, and pour my heart out. My world was shaking as I finally saw her, and I know she didn't feel any different. Time stood still as an ocean of tears flowed, untamed and unleashed. The long lingering silence was no less than a thousand loud echoes, as our hearts quietly winced in pain together.
I purposely took small steps towards her, as I felt scared and totally unsure of what would I tell her. My instinct wanted to immediately take her in my arms, hug her and hide her in me; but my mind warned me that I had lost that right the moment I walked out on her.
We were now just a few steps away, and even though I was close enough to look in her brown eyes, my sight was blinded with the tears forming up in my eyes.
"Emma." I finally exhaled her name like one of my deepest breath, the one that came directly from the heart. She flinched as she heard my voice, and I saw she was breathing frantically, reflecting how much she was affected by my presence alone.
"I am so sorry, Emma." I managed to continue, as I looked at her with begging eyes. I hoped she would hear me out, I hoped she wouldn't shun me away, and thankfully she didn't.
She was crying silently, fiddling her hands, and looking down at a spot, dodging eye contact.
She looked inconsolable, but even then, she didn't turn away or stop me.
I did this to her. This was my doing. I hurt her so much.
I felt a thousand stabs, as I looked at her petite demeanor, restless and anxious. I wanted to undo the wrongness she felt, and in desperation, I reached out to her and held her shoulders with both my hands.
"I am really sorry to hurt you, Emma." I whispered.
"I am sorry I left like that. I know it sounds twisted and unreasonable, but believe me walking out on you, was the most torturous decision of my life.
I had no choice, and I died in regret every day.
I haven't come back to ruin the progress that you may have made, or to disturb the peace that you finally would have achieved, but just to apologise for the pain and suffering, I unwantedly caused you.
I want you to know my truth, irrespective of how irrelevant it may have become now. Please hear me out." I pleaded.
She stood silently, her head still weighed down, the burden of heartbreak was still enduring, and I felt like an ass who couldn't protect this from happening.
Uncontrollably, I hurried to explain, "you were one of the witnesses in my father's case, Emma, and they would have interrogated you, mercilessly for days. Murials' and their lawyers' wouldn't have backed down without a fight. They would have played dirty in court and would have stooped low to tarnish your honor, and defame you along with my family name.
Many distasteful questions about our closeness would have been asked, and I know how ugly things could have got, so I had to portray as if we were not together anymore. I couldn't afford to be spotted with you; I had to let you go."
I choked back tears as I revisited my pungent past. As my words fell on her ear, she suddenly looked up; her eyes were now searching answers in mine.
"Yes, Emma. I tried keeping you away from all this. I am sorry I made us suffer. I thought you were better off without me. My nights were tormenting as I didn't have you in my arms. My mornings felt like a curse because I didn't open my eyes to see your angelic face sleeping soundly next to me. My meals became tasteless as I no longer shared them with you. I was breathing, that's true, but I was not living anymore."
She looked away as tears kept making their way out from the corner of her eyes. I cupped her face and made her look at me again. "Part of my soul was left behind with you Emma. I didn't abandon you. Who the fuck am I to ever abandon someone as precious as you? You are way above me, way out of my league, and never think that leaving you was the easy choice."
She stood numb; I saw she gulped the lump in her throat. She looked deep in thought, perhaps pondering on what I told her. From a distance, I saw her friends had joined us too, and they stood as shocked, witnessing our confrontation. Nobody said a word.
"Emma, I thought sooner or later you will understand my reasons, but it still doesn't justify the fact that I hurt you, that I wronged you. You have every right to not forgive me, and hate me all your life. I was a mess and made the worst choices. I am really sorry."
I receded and looked at her for one last time. I deserved her silence; I deserved any punishment she deemed fit. I took a deep breath and scanned the beautiful valley around. The silent waters in the lake below twinkl
ed under the moonlight. It was ironical to have such bitter confrontations in a place like this, because, if it had happened as we initially planned, we would have cherished our time here together.
Perhaps, it was too late;
maybe she doesn't want to know anymore;
maybe she will never forgive me, and
maybe Mark had already made his place in her heart.
I scanned her from head to toe for many lingering minutes, hoping she would atheist look at me. I was praying that she gave me one more chance, but when she didn't, I felt defeated. I should let her go.
This was it, I guess. I sighed and turned around; I will never dare to impose myself on her life again. Today, in the real sense, I realised, she was better off without me. All that I wanted to say had become meaningless now. The damage was done, and sure seemed irreparable. I started to walk away, and that's when I heard her, loud and clear.
"Jake. Wait."
I stopped in my tracks as I turned around. The timid and weeping Emma now looked determined. She started walking towards me, her gaze fixed on my face, and her eyes piercing mine.
She stopped inches away, and before I could think of anything, she slapped me; and she slapped me hard.
The echo of her slap retorted and bounced back from the surrounding mountains, and everyone who witnessed it gasped in shock.
Chapter 50
Her choice
Emma
Joffre Lake
The imprints of my slap, followed by the shock of my action was evident on his face, and everybody else's around.
It was an otherwise surreal evening. The calm of the waters, the darkness of the night, the twinkling of the stars, and the sweet aroma of the decorated parade of flowers; were in complete contrast to the lava of betraying thoughts that burnt every nerve inside me.
The love of my life was finally here, explaining how bravely he decided to protect my honor. Looking at him after all these days overwhelmed every bone and brawn of my body, my heart ached to touch him, but my brain knew better.
I don't know if it's the universal law of love or the self-made rules of my pathetic conscience, but knowing about his sufferings pained me more than my own, and I wished I was there with him, to take it all away.
There was a moment, I even forgot the wrongs I felt, after he told the ordeal he faced alone. I imagined a thousand ways I could have made it better. It hurt, knowing he was all by himself fighting so many turmoil’s at once. I could have helped him through this, only if he allowed me.
I was angry at him, for he decided to take the brunt upon himself, without even giving me a fair chance.
I was angry at him, for making a choice for me, a right nobody will ever be granted, for I am entitled to my own opinion, and nobody takes that away from me.
I was angry at him for making us suffer, when clearly it was a battle with no winner; by the end of it, both of us lost, miserably.
The moment he showed me his back, again, I felt I was stripped off my credence anew. I suddenly felt bare and open, an option for him to walk in and walk out as he willed.
This had to change and change now.
Love any day held the highest rank amongst all the emotions I valued in life, but dignity and pride were a close second too. Determined, I took my steps forward, and before he could even apprehend, channeling everything within, I slapped him.
"How dare you tried to walk away? Again? Who do you think I am?" I growled, my eyes throwing daggers at him, as my spirit stood bitter and sharp.
"Emma...No baby... I.... I just didn't want to pester you..." He stuttered.
"How could you Jake? You could have told me all this, and I would have understood. I would have waited. I would have eagerly waited all my life for you... But..." I let out a sigh, and shut my eyes, in an attempt to control my quivering lips, holding my strength together, I somehow managed to continue, "You left Jake, and it took you three freaking months to realise and come back. First, you carved my heart in your name, you became the most irreversible part of my life, you turned yourself into a fond habit; and then, you just left. Do you even realise how it felt?"
Regret washed over him like solitary waves on a shallow beach, and a tear escaped his enslaving eyes.
He stood there and looked at me with empathy and compassion. Even though his eyes looked calm, but somehow his heart's loud, noisy screech didn't fail to reach my ears; as if they screamed back renouncing that he knew exactly how it feels.
"I thought we are equals Jake. I thought you respected my choices. I thought my opinion mattered to you..."
"It does Emma, I value it the most, but the situation was such..."
"Shut Up! What situation? I have seen worse, and I still never left your side. Why do you always have to underestimate me and my love for you?" My voice was slowly losing its dominance and pain was gradually overpowering the reprisal.
"Exactly, Emma. You have seen worse, and can't you see how unfair it is to have you suffer on account of my family and me every single time?"
He took a step back and exhaled deeply, before he continued. "You fucking became a target, you were kidnapped, and even got shot in the hands of that psycho. For God's sake, you could have died, Emma." He let out a sorrowful sigh, and his chest heaved in exhaustion.
"If you were at my place, you would have known how helpless and sick you feel when you fail to protect your love. Regret consumes you, and shame becomes your identity." His otherwise calm composure was now painted with anger and anxiety as if I touched the wrong cord and pressed his most hurting nerve.
He was running his hands in his hair; his breathing became faster. His eyes started regaining the moisture, with a warning to afloat all the welled up pain, again.
"Tell me Emma, how much of a failure do you think I am? Did you really expect me to standby and just let you face the dire consequences every single time?" His voice demanded an answer, and I flinched a bit at the fury his tone inflicted.
"I told you a million times before Jake, that I am not yours to protect, even back in Norway, we went through this time and again, yet you always take me as your weakness, you thought I am not strong enough to fight with you. You didn't trust the strength of my love... rather you left me to accept it as fate."
"No, Emm... Fuck! How can you even think this? That's utterly not true. You are the bravest girl I know. Your courage and resilience blow my fucking mind. You have been my rock, always. But this was not your battle to fight, not this time."
I was speechless at his retort, and as soon as he saw me recoil, his body language softened, and he cupped my face in his hands again. He whispered, making me look at him, "Please Emm... I am sorry, I agree I made a bad choice, and I hurt you immensely. But it's not just about us, we are accountable to everyone close to us as well, especially your parents, Emma, your family. I remember the fear in their eyes when you laid unconscious for days; they went through hell. How could I have let them suffer another strangulating experience, just because I was selfish enough to not let you go?"
I sniffed and closed my eyes listening to his words, as a stream of tears kept flowing through them.
"Your father's words echoed in my head, Emma. I know he thought I caused you more harm than happiness, and how he wished you had another chance at love in life."
"What the hell, Jake! That wasn't his decision to make.... neither yours. Nobody can decide what my heart wants... and...."
"I know Emm. I am sorry, I wasn't thinking straight. It was all so fast, and troubles were closing in from all sides, I messed up. I didn't make the wisest choice, and my heart regrets it every minute, I am so sorry, please forgive me, I learnt the hard way."
"Forgive you? Is that all you got? Ever since you are here, you have just felt sorry. Does your heart feel nothing else? Tell me, Jake, is this all you got?" I was losing my mind just hearing his endless apologies, I gripped the collar of his shirt in a clenching fist, and shook him with all my strength. I was weeping inconsolably now, my cries ech
oing in the hollow of the valley. I was slapping his chest like a madwoman, as everyone watched us in pin-drop silence.
I wanted more than a sorry; I wanted to know he loved me, I wanted to know he will fight for me, I wanted to know he would never in his life, let me go again. He said everything but this. I kept jolting him, pushing him away, and I could see how taken aback he felt.
But suddenly, he took control; he held both my hands, gripping them a bit hard to stop me from losing myself. And in the next second, he crashed his lips on mine. I know this wasn't what I was expecting, I always imagined how mad I would be at him whenever I would see him, and honestly, I was, but in this very instant, for the first time in days, I felt relieved.
A sense of calm washed over my body, and I let go of my refrain, allowing him to tenderly move his gentle lips against my trembling ones. His touch was soothing and soft, and as he continued to kiss me, I lost all the will in my body that could stop him. It felt he sucked out every bit of pain and anxiety from my aching soul, and unknowingly he gave me assurance, that now that he is back, maybe it will be all okay.
I was tired of consoling myself, and if this is what made me feel better, then be it.
This human was the antidote to every poison in my life. He was both the cause and the cure. He was my remedy.
Our sorrows became one, our grief formed a union, and I realised that I know my heart better than he ever knew his.
Jake was my happy place, even though he was irrational and messed up, he was mine, and having setbacks with him, came with the territory of loving him.
Sounds so twisted, right? But that's what love does to you.
We kissed for a long time, and when he parted his lips, he finally whispered "I love you, Emm. I love you and cannot live without you. I came running back to you because I know it for sure that I am nothing without you. I will never let you go again if you give me another chance. I will fight for us until my very last breath. Please forgive me one last time. Please take me back."
He hugged me tightly, and I got lost in my thoughts again. Finally, after a long time, I finally hugged him back and I sensed he heaved a sigh of relief.
I will lower the moon for you Page 29