“You seem to have settled in,” Paul opened.
“Yes,” I said. It was up to him to drive the conversation. I wasn’t going to help him any.
“And Quinn?”
“He’s gone on his way now.” I’d received one text to say that they were all enjoying themselves and Jamie sent his love, and nothing else since. But that was Quinn for you, one hundred percent involved in the present, and forgetting everything else once he’d moved on.
“And you and Quinn..?” He trailed delicately.
I raised my eyebrows with a touch of hauteur at him. “He’s my evil twin, remember? I was born in Spring and he was born too late…”
He said nothing. I presume he got the message.
Quinn had thoroughly enjoyed himself. Did days at a local garage where they just pointed and he just sorted it out. He’d brought his guitar and got some bookings to play and sing. He’d found a local group of Gypsy King sort of musicians and seemed completely fascinated by them, spending evening after evening with them. At night he sometimes curled up in bed with me, just like the old days. But nothing more.
The starters arrived. I’d got the taste for octopus. Really loved it. And black risotto made with squid and squid ink. I’d even overcome my dislike of olives.
He didn’t seem to know what to say. Finally he said, “I’ve had several offers for your car. Do you want me to sell it for you?”
I hesitated. But although I was gutted that it would mean that I never got to drive it in a race, I had to admit that it was becoming clear that I wouldn’t be using it myself this year.
“It seems sensible to,” he suggested, “while it’s still in the forefront of everyone’s mind and can get a good price…”
“While it’s still got that chess board on the roof you mean?” I said dryly.
He lidded his eyes momentarily, then smiled an acknowledgement. Yes he did mean while it was known to have won so many finals and had the British Championship chequers on the roof.
“Who’s asking?” I established. I wouldn’t be letting it go to anyone I didn’t approve of.
“Horrocks primarily,” Paul reported.
It was then that I smiled. “Yes then! Of course he can have it. I’d love him to have it. And I guess it will mean it’ll have turned Silver by the end of the season…”
“Yes, he’s making the most of your absence,” Paul agreed.
There was a pause as the waiter came and cleared the starter plates away. We both fell silent. The next course arrived. Their famous house special, a type of delicate flavoured ravioli with asparagus.
Paul seemed reluctant to steer the conversation, so I decided to make the running myself. “You know Jo and Suzanna came out to see me?” I began.
He nodded.
Zanna had discreetly left Jo and myself mostly alone for a couple of days to allow us to catch up, and then she’d whisked Jo off to Venice which was only a couple of hours away. Jo had glanced anxiously at me as they left. She knew what significance Venice had held for me. But I’d been several times by now. The first time had been with Quinn during which visit we had just walked around gawping open mouthed. The next ones were with different Italian colleagues from work who showed me all the places that the tourists never got to see.
I glanced at Paul, then looked back down at my plate, almost chickening out of bringing the subject up. Then I realised that I felt so incensed that I couldn’t let it rest. I looked indignantly back up at him. “Jo said that Sue thought that you and me were having an affair! How could she?”
Paul lowered his eyes and I saw the fist that he thought was out of sight under the table, clench white knuckled. Then his hazel eyes, so like Pete and Jo’s raised coolly back to mine. He looked as though he wanted to say something to defend her, but then couldn’t think of anything, because there was no defence.
“I mean, of all the men I’ve ever known you’re the least likely ever! You always kept your distance!” Emotionally too. He’d always remained a step apart, enigmatic, rational, and contained.
Jo said she’d completely lost it with her mother when she’d found that out. “I went ballistic at her. I screamed and shouted.” Jo looked ashamed. “I said how could you, Mum? How could you? Eve and Dad? They never even touched each other! They never had the slightest interest in each other that way!” Jo looked angry just remembering it. “I gave her what for! I said, ‘I watched you seduce her into our family Mum! You were – talk to me, Eve, trust me, Eve, don’t be so independent Eve, I’ll be your mother Eve, we’ll never let you down! And then you do this to her! Turn on her! Cold shoulder her! Turn her out with no warning! Then she shouted at me that you’d taken us children off her, taken Dad off her and then you’d taken Baby off her. And then when she wouldn’t let you have Baby, you’d killed Baby instead so that Mum couldn’t have her either!” Jo blushed with shame at having to tell me this. I’d just been staring completely shell shocked at Jo as I listened to it. “Dad had come in for the second half of all this,” Jo continued. “He just stood there at the door. I turned to him and said you need to get her to a psychiatrist! And he just said calmly that she was finding it hard to get over the distress of what had happened to the horses. And I yelled at him that it was obviously much more than that! But that’s Dad’s way,” she added bitterly. “He likes to keep emotion out of things.”
I looked challengingly across the table at Paul.
“She doesn’t think that any more, Eve,” he said at last. “She’s accepted that she was over-reacting and that there’s never been anything between us.”
“You shouldn’t have lifted me down from Horse after the competition,” I said to him. “That was her special thing.”
He frowned. “I had no idea.” He said after a moment. “I used to lift the children down when they used to ride, so to me I was just lifting another one of my children down…”
“I know that Paul.” I said. “I know you treat me as one of your children.”
I went to put a forkful of food in my mouth but found I couldn’t. I suddenly pushed my plate away from me. “And I hope she jolly well realises now that I didn’t kill Horse!” I said, my voice shaking with the pain that she could ever think that of me.
By now he’d be realising that Jo hadn’t held anything back when she came to see me.
His eyes flickered momentarily. “She knows you didn’t deliberately kill Baby,” he said carefully. “But I guess it still feels to her that it was your fault that the stables were torched.”
“Pete should have let me go back in to get her,” I said in a tight voice.
“It was too late Eve,” Paul’s tone was gentle. “She’d have been so badly injured she’d have probably had to be put down anyway. And if you’d gone back in you both might have died.”
“Maybe that would have been best,” I said fiercely.
Paul reached a hand across the table and momentarily covered my own hand with his. “Don’t say things like that, Eve.”
I quickly brushed at my eyes and looked across the sunlit square. “Does she know you’re here?” I asked abruptly.
He shook his head.
“So why are you here?” I challenged.
“I wanted to find out from you where you want to go next,” he explained. “I’ve got three possible placements for you but they’re all very different, and I wondered what skill set you felt you needed to develop.”
“You should probably have a meeting with my line manager tomorrow, and ask him. He’ll have a better idea about what I need.”
“So you’ve no preference?” Paul established cautiously. “For instance, what country you go to?”
I shook my head.
“You’re very different, Eve,” Paul said suddenly. He gave a slight smile. “Hark at you, ‘talk to my line manager’. You’re like a completely different creature!”
I looked coolly at him. “Well that’s what you wanted wasn’t it? You didn’t like me the way I was. That wasn’t enough for you. Y
ou wanted me to fit some other picture in your head.”
“You make it sound like some absurd fantasy!” Paul defended. “I just could see that you had a lot of skills that you would never be able to use unless someone gave you the opportunity to…”
I stood up abruptly. “Well you’re the one with the game plan for my life Paul. I’ll leave it up to you to decide.” And then I walked away across the square without looking back.
There was Sue claiming I’d stolen her family, I thought indignantly as I walked through the teeming early evening Passagata to get back to my flat, but I could turn it the other way round. Her family had stolen my life. Her son had stolen my virginity and broken my heart, now her daughter had stolen both my businesses and also my place at Entwistle’s and Paul had first of all stolen my car, then finally wrenched every last atom of my old life away from me.
But as I turned the key in the lock of my flat, it occurred to me that Paul had done for me what I had suggested Jessica’s parents do for her. I had recognised that for Jessica to become a different person, she had to be taken away from every single piece of her old life. Paul had plucked me out of everything I knew, so I could start again completely from scratch.
I looked round the flat. My skis still stood upright in the corner, for lack of anywhere else to keep them. The guys from work went every weekend up into the Dolomites to ski, and they’d soon persuaded me to invest in a pair of my own and some boots that actually fitted me properly. Now it was the climbing season instead and they were taking me off to the bolted venues at Arco, and back up into the Dolomites for some trad stuff that I could lead better than them because the bolts had made the Italian guys soft when it came to gear placement. They’d persuaded me to buy a harness, shoes and belay plate, and they were providing all the rest. I was going to be sorry to leave here actually.
I hoped Giovanni would give Paul a tour around the place tomorrow. As I stood by the Fiorano test drive track with the roar of the engines in my ears, I’d sometimes glance round to the only place that the public could catch a glimpse through the fence if they drew up on the road and crossed a field. And there were always some excited faces pressed hard up against it, cameras in hand. In those moments it bore upon me how lucky I was to be here on the inside.
The doorbell rang. Had Paul got something more to say to me? I had walked off abruptly. Making my grand exit. Keeping control of the encounter.
But it was a delivery man. He smiled and handed me a tall thin package and left. I turned it round so I could see through the cellophane front. A single red rose. I looked for a note. No note. I took the rose out and smelled it. No scent. No-one who knew me well then, or it would have been scented. I walked out onto the small concrete balcony and sat in the sun, idly twirling the rose between my fingers. Could be anyone. Anyone from that flirty waiter to someone at work. Well I’d be leaving soon, so there was no point in starting anything.
Some female admirer of Quinn’s had insisted on filling our balcony window boxes with a tumble of colourful petunias, and Quinn had left me strict instructions to water them. I sometimes remembered to. At any rate, they were still alive. Now Quinn was gone I was going to have to learn to iron. I sighed. Quinn had done all my ironing for me. He had turned out to have an extremely surprising, previously unadmitted to, passion for the task. He confided in me that he loved doing all Mariah’s little dresses, getting all the frills exactly equal. Whilst I was inclined to stare at him open mouthed at this confession, I had to admit, it had proved awfully useful to me.
I leant back in the chair and closed my eyes, soaking up the evening sun. Then I laughed. I suddenly felt excited. What was next? I was only twenty-one. I had at least forty five years of working life ahead of me! Twice my age again… It would have been stupid to just settle for what I’d first hit upon when I was sixteen. I was lucky to have someone like Paul pushing me on to new horizons. At one point I had sensed, though he’d never be so cruel as to say it, that he’d been glad I never got to marry Tyler. I’d have settled for running a garage and car recovery service with Nat, driving F2s and maybe building F2s. And then what?
Why had Nat Tyler been so special though? I thought about it. Maybe it was because he’d been the only one who’d completely delighted in me just as I was. Everyone else never seemed quite happy with me. Couldn’t cope with me. Were always trying to change me – nagging me, getting angry with me, trying to bend me to their will to turn me into what they’d prefer me to be. But Tyler had just looked at me as though I was the most precious thing on earth, and just laughed when I related even the most appalling stories from my past, never condemning me.
Well maybe I’d have that again one day. But first I needed to become this new person. I didn’t know what that new person would turn out to be. But once she was formed, then she could find someone who’d love her just as she was. I’d found it once. So I could find it again. I just had to be patient. And I just had to trust that he was out there somewhere, just waiting for me to become the one he’d been waiting all his life to find.
Helpline Numbers and Advice Websites
(These details were correct at the time of publication in 2016)
BriSCA F2 – official site for info about Formula Two Stocks – www.briscaf2.com
Karma Nirvana – forced marriage support – 08005999247 – www.karmanirvana.org.uk
Rape Crisis (England and Wales) – 08088029999 – http://rapecrisis.org.uk/
Rape Crisis (Scotland) – 08088010302 – www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
Rape Crisis Network Ireland – 1800778888 – www.rapecrisishelp.ie
If your region isn’t covered by the above Rape Crisis contact details then try this page – http://rapecrisis.org.uk/international.php
Samaritans – if you feel suicidal ring this number – 116123 – www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
Mind – mental health charity – ring infoline – 03001233393 – www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V311zDUrLio
Cruse Bereavement Care – support after someone has died – including help for young people – 08088081677 – www.cruse.org.uk
Macmillan Cancer Support – help for people with cancer and their families including bereavement support – 08088080000 – www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/at-the-end-of-life/after-death/bereavement.html
Marie Curie – care and support through terminal illness – 08000902309 – www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/bereavement-or-grief-counselling
SCARD –Support and Care After Road Death and Injury – 08451235542 – www.scard.org.uk
Contraceptive advice – www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/contraception.aspx
FPA – Sexual Health Charity - info and support on sexual health, contraception, sex and relationships – (www.fpa.org.uk) – the page to go to with lots of extremely helpful info, advice and support links if you are facing an unplanned pregnancy is – http://www.fpa.org.uk/unplanned-pregnancy-and-abortion/pregnant-and-dont-know-what-do
Brook Young People’s Information Service – Information, support and signposting service for young people under 25 on sexual health, contraception, pregnancy and abortion – www.brook.org.uk
Crimestoppers UK – you can give information about crime anonymously online or by phone – 0800555111 – www.crimestoppers-uk.org
The Mix – (formerly called ‘Get Connected’) – help for young people – 08088084994
www.getconnected.org.uk
The Lesbian and Gay Foundation – 08453303030 – www.lgf.org.uk
Frank - A confidential helpline for anyone in the UK concerned about drug use – www.talktofrank.com
BullyingUK – 08088002222 – www.bullying.co.uk
Childline – 08001111 – www.childline.org.uk
Cybersmile – online bullying help and advice – www.cybersmile.org
Kidscape – preventing bullying and child sexual abuse – www.kidsca
pe.org.uk
Pay and Work Rights Helpline – 08009172368 – www.gov.uk
NHS Urgent Care (England Only) – Call 111 when you need medical help fast but it's not a 999 emergency – www.nhs.uk
Info about how the criminal justice system deals with young people – www.gov.uk/browse/justice/young-people
Victim Support – charity helping people affected by crime including young people – also helps people who are being asked to testify in court as witnesses – www.victimsupport.org.uk
Books about Eve by Dominique Kyle
Not Quite Eden
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01HMHSU9G
Paradise Postponed
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01HUDOJKG
Thrills and Spills
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01I496CPK
The Way Barred
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01I52OCH6
Purgatory is a Place Too
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01IBUR1MU
The Way Back
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06WWFW2H8
Purgatory Is a Place Too Page 38