I scrubbed my hands against the fabric of my jeans and shook my head. "You pushed all the wrong buttons in the space of like two minutes. You pushed me to back off on the investigation when finding my sister is more important to me than anything else in the world. You, the one who has been completely freaked out by ghosts and magic, tried to push me to use magic again after I told you it almost killed me. The worst part, though?" I bit my lip hard, punishing myself for the way my voice cracked. "The worst part is when you implied that I was lying to you after I lost control and my magic manifested. That took me straight back to high school, which was pretty much the worst time of my life before Kat disappeared."
"What was so damned bad about high school?"
My legs went numb and I sank down onto the curb, hugging my knees to my chest.
"I don't think you're going to like the answer to that question." My throat felt thick, like I might throw up, and my voice came out strangled.
Ray sat down beside me, never taking his gaze off my face. "Tell me anyway."
He's like a fucking bloodhound for the truth.
I swore under my breath and rested my forehead on my knees, trying to escape the weight of his scrutiny.
"I went through your standard-issue bullying for most of school, but senior year is when things got really bad for me. I had a massive crush on someone, but he had no idea I existed. To make things worse, I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I wanted him to notice me, so I tried to make myself look more like the popular girls he usually hung around with. I also did something really stupid. I did a spell to make him notice me, but it backfired. Basically, everyone in the world except my crush noticed me." I paused for a moment to retch as I thought about what happened next and squeezed my legs tighter to minimize my trembling.
“After one of Bayshore's big away games, one of the football team's buses broke down. They loaded onto the bus with some of the band and color guard girls. Everybody was soaked from the big storm, and some of us were in the middle of changing into dry clothes when the boys rushed out of the rain and onto the bus."
"Oh, shit." I picked my head up at Ray’s raw, husky tone. All the color drained out of his face and he shook his head. "I know I pushed you to be honest with me, Rox, but I'm not sure I can listen to this in detail."
I swallowed and nodded. "Do you still want to know, or would you prefer it if I stopped?"
His hands shook as he reached up and shoved them through his hair. "I need the truth, but I'm not sure I can take the visceral details of it."
He deserves to know every bit of it, every filthy, painful detail. Shadow boiled close to the surface, but I shoved her down and focused on the detached, clinical version I gave my therapist during my first visit, before she pulled the whole truth out of me.
"I'll give you the short version, then. One of the football players got handsy with me. When I tried to squirm away from him, I fell down between the seats and my hair got stuck in the zipper of my garment bag. When I yelled at him to get my hair out of the zipper because it was all his fault, he made a joke about the hazards of road head. The whole bus went wild for the joke. They loved the idea that the librarian's granddaughter might actually be a secret slut. I wasn't, but it didn't matter because it wasn't part of their narrative. Rumors started spreading like wildfire before we ever made it back to Bayshore. I got pissed and told that football player that I wouldn't be interested in him even if he looked like my crush."
Ray buried his face in his hands, his breathing erratic. He shook his head like he didn't want to hear any more, but he'd pestered me for the truth for long enough that I couldn't stop. I clenched my fists, digging my fingernails into my palms as I pressed on.
"The guy didn't exactly take my rejection well, to say the least. He took it so poorly, in fact, that he started a hellacious smear campaign. He was hell-bent on destroying my reputation, and most of the school ate it up. Hell…you were there. You should know. In the eyes of the public, I was a snobby, high-and-mighty whore, and he was cutting me down to size...showing me my place in the world. No matter how hard I fought for the truth, people liked his version of the narrative better. It got so insanely out of control that I tried to kill myself on prom night."
"Fuck." Ray groaned and tipped his head back, glaring up at the sky. His chiseled cheeks were damp, and he looked just a little older than he did before I gave him exactly what he asked for. "Is it too late to say I'm sorry I asked?"
A broken laugh clawed its way out of my throat, and I nudged his shoulder with mine. "Only if it's too late for me to tell you to stop asking questions you don't really want to know the answer to."
"Touché." He pushed up off the sidewalk and rubbed his backside with a grimace.
"We should probably go before James changes his mind about letting me sit in on the suspect's interview." I groaned and heaved myself up, wobbling as I tried to baby my sprained ankle.
Ray caught me and helped me into the passenger side of the SUV. He paused with his hands hovering at the bottom of my ribcage. My pulse quickened, rushing in my ears like waves crashing on a beach.
"I really am sorry, you know." His soft murmur snapped me out of my dwelling on his warm, steady touch.
"You're going to miss your chance to question the suspect if you don't hurry up and drop me off at home."
We climbed in the SUV and I glanced across the console at him. “If there’s any chance he knows where Kat is, you’ve gotta find a way to get it out of him.”
Whatever you do, don’t screw this up for me.
I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing. While Ray got a shot at questioning the guy who might know where Kat was, I grabbed my things and sped to Misty's house. As I swung my car into her driveway, I paused. Staring at her little lavender bungalow, I chewed on my bottom lip.
I probably should have called before just showing up over here. What if she's in the middle of something?
I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel, considering backing out of the driveway. The pastel yellow front door opened. She stepped out on the front stoop, a half-smile on her lips, and waved me over. I parked behind her sedan and climbed out with a sheepish wave.
"It's about time you paid me a visit." She planted her hands on her hips, eyeballing me like I was a wayward child.
I limped up the front walk and her expression changed. Her gaze sharpened and she looked me over from head to toe as I joined her on the stoop. "What happened?"
“I lost control of my magic and accidentally hurt Ray.” The words flowed out of me like water out of a burst dam as she slipped a firm arm around my shoulders and led me inside. “I hate having to take a back seat in this investigation. It’s my sister that’s missing.” I filled her in on every single detail that had transpired, and she brewed tea as she listened.
She set a piping hot cup down in front of me and sat down, gazing into her own cup for a long moment before speaking.
"That's an awful lot to unpack, dear." She blew across the surface of her tea and took a sip. I wrapped my hands around my cup, focusing on the comforting warmth radiating through the ceramic and into my hands. "Did you just need to vent, or were you seeking guidance?"
"I'm not actually sure." My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. I took a moment to reflect as I lifted the cup to my lips and savored the tea's floral fragrance.
What had actually compelled me to seek Misty out? What did I want out of our interaction? Was it just the emotional release of spilling my guts to my mentor, or was there something more?
I meditated on her prompt before I finally got around to answering her. “Just sitting here waiting for somebody else to save the day sucks. I don't want to be on the sidelines. I could use some help figuring out how I can be more directly involved."
Misty nodded, her expression sage and thoughtful. "So why are you on the sidelines right now, rather than doing what you feel you should to find your sister?"
I set down my half-drunk cup of tea. "Ray thought it woul
d be too dangerous to have me near the suspect, especially since my magic could get out of control and wreak havoc."
Misty tilted her head and arched a brow at me. "And part of you agrees with him."
"Part of me agrees with him?" I wrinkled my nose and frowned. "What makes you say that?"
Misty reached across the table and patted my hand with a knowing smile. "Sweetheart, you and I both know if you didn't agree that it was too dangerous, you would have pushed harder to go with him. You don't take no for an answer when you really feel strongly about something."
"Okay, true." I laughed and returned her hand-pat with a light squeeze. "I wanted to go, but I don't think some of the officers in BPD would handle it well if things started levitating, or worse."
"A valid concern." Misty nodded and reclaimed her teacup, taking another slow sip. "What do you want to do about the situation with your magic? Have you thought about that at all?"
I huffed out a sigh and pushed my hair back out of my face. "I'm honestly not even sure what my options are on that front."
Misty pursed her lips and propped her head in one of her hands. "Are you unsure of your options, or unsure of what you actually want?"
I slumped a little lower in the kitchen chair and bit the inside of my cheek. Did I know what I wanted? Maybe. Was it the right course of action under the circumstances? Probably not. "Maybe a little of both?"
Misty shook her head and laid her hands palms-up on the table. "I think it would help you to verbalize your priorities right now. Know what your goals are, speak them aloud, and then work from there."
"Have you ever thought about writing a self-help book?" I grinned and Misty shook a finger at me.
"Stop deflecting, baby girl. You came here for a purpose, so get to it."
"You're right." I chewed on the inside of my cheek and sighed. "Okay...priority one is getting access to the suspect so I can question him about Kat for myself."
"And to do that, you and Ray both need to be sure you're not going to lose control of your magic in the process, correct? What factors seem to go along with your magic outbursts?"
"Shadow. Every time my magic presents itself, it’s when I’m upset or angry enough that Shadow surfaces."
"What?"
I swallowed hard and stared down into my teacup. “The night I tried to commit suicide, I developed a second reflection…like me, only darker. As far as I know, no one else can see her. She’s existed as a separate entity ever since. She’s got a mind of her own, and she seems to enjoy tormenting me. The only times I’ve accidentally done magic, Shadow’s presence has been very strong.”
"Did the Academy know about Shadow when they tried to...help you after your granny sent you there?"
I shook my head, struggling to make my voice work. "You're the only one I've ever told about her. Not even Granny knew."
Misty slumped down in her chair, pressing a hand over her mouth. The color drained from her face and unshed tears glistened in her soft brown eyes. "Oh, Roxy." She pushed up out of her chair and strode over, wrapping me in a fierce hug. "You've been struggling with this all alone for seven years?"
I nodded, my throat so tight with emotion that I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. I was so scared that Shadow’s existence meant I was evil, that I didn’t deserve to exist. I was ashamed of her, and even more ashamed of myself for accidentally creating her. My eyes burned and tears leaked down my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry, sweet girl." She stroked my hair, and I sobbed into her shoulder.
Misty's arms tightened around me and she rested her cheek on the top of my head, like a mother trying to comfort a hurt child. I trembled, sick to my stomach at having talked about things I'd rather leave unacknowledged twice in one day.
"Please tell me there’s a way to control it, or get rid of it completely," I whispered.
Misty's lack of a response was more than enough of an answer, and I winced.
"She's a part of you, sweetheart," Misty murmured. "You rejected so much of who and what you are when you agreed to end your life and give your power to that manipulative piece of shit Kris. I think that you'd probably die without those parts of yourself, and that's why the elders at the academy couldn't successfully remove your magic without killing you."
"But Shadow wants me to die." I frowned. "She's the one that encouraged me to finish it the night of Kris's ritual. She's where my urge to self-harm comes from, most of the time. She's the voice in my head that always tells me the ugliest truths about myself. Hell, the only time she's ever done something semi-good for me is when she told me not to get back in the car with Jenea last night when she was acting so weird."
Misty reached over and pulled her chair close to mine so we could sit knee-to-knee. Taking my face in her hands, she wiped the tears off my wet cheeks and tilted my head up so she could look me in the eye.
"I don't think she actually wants you to die, baby girl. Think about it. If you die, she has nowhere to go and nothing to inhabit. It's not about actually ending your life. I think it's about pulling you deep enough into despair that she can take over and live her own life, rather than always being rejected, beaten into submission, and ignored."
"Shit." I whispered, shaking my head. "That makes perfect sense, now that you say it out loud. I don't see a way to get my magic under enough control, though. Shadow's the one running the show when it comes to accessing and using my magic."
Misty frowned, tapping a finger against her lips. "I imagine that will be very difficult to manage, but nothing is impossible. We'll think of something, I'm sure."
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. "Whatever we do, we better think fast. Every minute that passes without me being able to get the truth about Kat's location out of this guy is another minute closer to Kat possibly turning up dead. Even if the cops do have a suspect in custody, I don't think he was working alone. I was attacked by two men at Ray's condo. If one has been caught, there's no guarantee that his partner won't carry on his work."
Misty's gaze sharpened and she leaned closer to me. "Have you told the police about the possibility of another killer still being out there?"
"No." I almost choked on the word and my stomach roiled. "I didn't think about either of them potentially being the actual killer until just now. They seemed more like flunkies than criminal masterminds, to be perfectly honest. Sure, they were pissed about witches being real and me being one, but they wanted to take me somewhere...to someone to be cleansed." My mind raced and my heart pounded so hard I was afraid it might break my ribs. "If the guy in jail is the one the flunkies were taking people to, then I have to talk to him and find out where his friends might be keeping Kat." I shot to my feet.
"If you're going to talk to him, you need to make sure you can remain calm and keep Shadow at bay while you're doing it," Misty said.
"It's going to be borderline impossible for me to stay calm when Kat's life is hanging in the balance, here." I growled through gritted teeth.
Shadow seethed just beneath the surface, looking for an opportunity to break through. The teacups on the table started vibrating and Misty caught me by the arm, stopping me mid-step.
Calm flooded over me as she murmured a quiet spell. "Still the rage and keep the Shadow in her cage. Ease the pain and only Roxanne gains. Seeking control, the better half commands the whole. As I will, so mote it be."
I breathed deeply and let out a sigh of relief. "I wish I could take you with me, but I think even getting me in a room with the suspect is going to be pushing it."
"Hang on!" Misty stood, her eyes twinkling. "I have an idea."
She grabbed me by the wrist and tugged me down the hall to her study. She started rummaging through drawers, passing me satchels and a candle in the process.
"What kind of spell are you about to work?" I mused as I juggled the items.
She dug through another set of drawers until she pulled out a long, silver chain with an elaborate Victorian cameo pendant.
"I'm going to enchant
this necklace to help keep you calm and in control. I'm not sure how long the enchantment will last before it needs to be recharged, but it should be plenty of time for you to get the information you need out of the suspect. You may even be able to make the enchantment last longer if you only wear the necklace for particularly upsetting situations where you're at-risk of Shadow trying to take over." Misty sprinkled herbs from several of the satchels she'd handed me into a large mason jar, and then dropped the necklace in on top of them.
I blinked several times to clear the tears that attempted to blur my vision. "Thank you for this, Misty. I really can't say how much it means to me that you're willing to help even though I'm not really a part of the coven anymore."
“You’re like one of my own kids, Roxanne. You’re family, blood or not. You should know by now that I’d do anything I can to help you, especially with Shadow.”
She held her hand over the jar and spoke the same incantation she had at the table. A cozy, pale pink glow filled the jar and she screwed the lid on, sealing it with a satisfied nod.
"Thank you." I took the jar and clutched it to my chest like a lifeline.
"Go see what Ray found out and tell him everything you realized while you were here. I want Kat back safe and sound just as much as you do. Hurry. If the guy they have in jail isn’t working alone, every minute Kat is still missing is a minute she could be the next witch to turn up dead."
When I got home, Ray still wasn't back yet. I rushed upstairs, mason jar in hand, and deposited it in the top drawer of my nightstand, all the while filling Logan in on everything I'd been over with Misty while I was at her house.
How can you be sure those guys weren't just some random witch-hating creeps?
I shuffled into the kitchen and tugged the refrigerator open with a sigh, grabbing a soda. I took a swig to wet my throat. "All I know is they were willing to burn down an entire condo building full of innocent people if it meant taking me out. I just have this gut feeling that the suspect in custody is probably connected to them somehow. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am." I trudged over to the couch and plopped down, still nursing my soda.
Coven of Lies (The Bayshore Witch Legacy Book 2) Page 5