Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  Smell salt in air. Grass give way to coast, just as big house come up. Look like made from white rock. Got big wall around it too. Metal men open gate and let us inside.

  Man and woman waiting in yard, arms folded. They dress nice, like fancy dolls. Look a lot like Leeson but more mad. Me start to say dat out loud, but little human shush me.

  “Hi mom, hi dad!” he say. Try to sound cheery, me think. Not really work.

  Mom say, “Leeson Renault. You disappear for days. Days mind you! With our three fastest horses, magical supplies, and a complete stranger. You even raided the emergency kit for a healing potion. And you leave a note? A NOTE?”

  I notice Dad’s lips twitch. He try to hide smile. Look at eyes, can tell he a little proud actually. But Dad stay quiet for now. Dis mom’s show.

  Leeson stammered, “M-mom, now, it’s true you’ve never personally met Ames but I… I did tell you about the adventuring folk I met a-and it was an emergency. I’m sorry I worried you.”

  Mom not look happy with that answer. “Don’t you try to placate me, boy. We’re the politicians here, you don’t think I know when I’m being fed a line of bullsh-”

  Dad step in quick. “This might take a little while, son, would you like to come get some refreshments with me? My boy will want to properly introduce your friend and apologise for worrying his mother.” Last bit big hint to Leeson, probably.

  Me take couple seconds to get that Dad talking to me. Some reason, felt nice to be called ‘son’. Me say, “Yup, let’s go.” Me hop down from horsie and let older man bring me inside big house. He put arm on shoulder. Must be good friend.

  Taken through fancy entry hall with rugs on walls. Rugs on floor. Thin rugs on windows. Dey really like rugs. Place lit with torches in pretty silver holding things. Big risk me think, with all dese rugs. But not my house.

  We head into nice room with wood table and fancy chairs. “It’s good to meet the legendary Sorch face to face. Crafty negotiator, excellent tutor, and apparently hero of Royal Moffit if rumors at Court are to be believed. Now that you’re out of enemy hands, I’m sure the King and Queen will make an official announcement of some sort.”

  Sit in chair and peer at human. Me think. If good to meet me, guess we not best friends. Yet. Man really is older Leeson. More muscle, thicker belly, some gray in hair. But mostly same. “Don’t remember dat. Maybe just talk. Folks make up stuff. Don’t feel like hero.”

  Daddy-Renault rub chin. “I’ve read Leeson’s spellbook. He had a detailed history on you. I dare say I would have called you a hero before you even taught him your spell. After months in prison though, I imagine it’s all undone. You’re going to need to start over again with the intelligence enhancement.”

  Me fold arms. “Maybe yes. Maybe no. Free now, might be happy with dat.” Don’t sound sure though, not to own ears.

  Dad catch servant passing by. “Denyce, would you be so kind as to cut up that freshly baked loaf that I smell, smother some of it in peanut butter, and bring it out?” She nod and scurry out. “Dreadful weakness of mine, peanut butter. I’m happy to share. Don’t tell the missus, Sorch, or we won’t get dinner.”

  Me shrug and say, “You think me weak. For maybe no start over.”

  Dad tilt head. Think about next words. Den say, “Sorch, you’re a grown man, and I have no earthly idea what you’ve been through over the last few months. Here’s what I do know. You’ve tamed an ancient curse, travelled half the length of the globe, passed the most difficult entrance exam in all of magical academia, and saved a significant portion of the continent we’re on. Whatever you decide, I know you’ll accomplish it. You’re as strong as you choose to be.”

  Can’t see now. Water in eyes. Hard to breath. Hear someone crying. Is me. Feel napkin press to hand, rub face with it. “Very h-hard. Dunno what real and what dream. C-can’t remember, hardly nothin’. Just pain.”

  Dat Dad-voice come over table. “I have the opposite problem, Sorch. I served in the military and was captured. I’ll never forget a moment of what was done to me. But trust me when I say: Time helps. Whatever you consider ‘normal’, that gets closer every day. Lean on your friends, trust your loved ones.”

  “Dun even know own friends.”

  Dad say, “That feline of yours is a friend. My son is your friend. In the short time he’s known you, you’ve become his idol. He’d walk through a storm of fire for you.” Sound proud of his boy.

  Me snuffle. Ball up napkin and drop on table. “Did we meet? Before dis?”

  He shake head. “No. But my son trusts you and respects you. So I trust you and respect you. He’s going to want to help you, and his mother and I will put on a good show. But in the end, he’ll have our full support, as will you. Okay?”

  Me nod. “Okay. Thanks Dad.”

  He laugh at that. Just then bread come in. Melted brown goo on top. Smell so good, nearly fall out of chair.

  That’s when discover, me love peanut butter.

  Me say, “Must be fun to be rich. Own all dis.”

  Dad say, “Sometimes it is. And I’m not going to be one of those people who complains how boring dinner parties are. But there is a real cost. A couple actually. The first is that you’re responsible for the lives and livelihood of so many people. Sometimes a decision you make hurts someone, and sometimes it kills someone. It’s a lot to put on one’s shoulders. But the second is hard as well. You give up the right to say exactly what’s on your mind. Because if you’re brutally honest, you alienate the people who you have to work with. So you have to keep your mouth shut sometimes, for the greater good.”

  Tilt head and consider. “Yeah. I just get rich enough to buy boat.”

  Daddy-Renault say, “Good call.”

  After finish food and chat, Leeson, Ames, and Mom come. All seem okay with dem now. Ames do most talking, explain what happen to me, how rescue go, and escape. All talk about magic stuff and armies and kings. Talk about land and bad weather and no water anywhere and sad crops everywhere. Boring.

  Dinner good though. Leeson family raise cows. Steak super-good! Make me sleepy after long trip. Me not only one, kitty almost fall out of chair. Mom-Renault scold us for not saying we tired. She tell us go sleep, take me and Ames to guest room. Super nice room. Bed got tall posts, is big and fluffy. Floor got little rugs in places, bare in others. Dunno why, must be fancy people stuff. Got own jug of water and cups on pretty wood table. Is nice.

  They gots mirror too. Go from ground all the way up. Me look at skin. Much wound. Much scar. Look like map. Remind of something. Remember face of old woman, then see face in mirror. She look at me over big fire. She write as me talk. Me sound so smart. She smile at me with all teeth she got left. Her face look like map of the world.

  Paw on shoulder make me jump. Kitty tug me to bed. Me move slow, room lit just with one old lamp. Dun wanna knock any pretty stuff over. Lay down slow, on arm with no bandage. Kitty sleep fast. Fluffball hug my back again and snore in ear. For some reason, don’t mind that much.

  Chapter 2

  Wake to knock on door. Try pull pillow over ear, but cat head on pillow. Now we both awake. Kitty sit up behind me, yawn to show all dem big teeth.

  “Sorch, Ames, are you decent? We have an unexpected visitor that I think you should see.”

  Voice was woman. Same as from outside house, yelling at Leeson.

  Me call out, groggy, “Go ‘way Mom.”

  Get swat on rump for trouble. Kitty call back, “Thank you Lady Renault, we’ll be down in just a few minutes.”

  Get up, use wash basin. Soap flowery, but cat make me use. Even got own towel, no gotta share and get fuzz all over me. Dress in stranger’s clothes. Good fit though. Go to grab black pot and other stuff, kitty tell me to leave it. Me get tugged out of room and down stairs.

  Down in big-table room, Leeson and Mom and Dad all dere. And tall cow-lady with blue eyes. She fuzzy brown, got sharp white horns. Wear leathers, like kitty do. Some metal too. Got big club on belt for bashing. Big
shield on back for bonking. Something in brain now. From daydreams. Stare at cowgirl. Not quite match what in head. Not tall enough. Horns wrong color.

  Leeson-Dad say, “Ames, Sorch, this is Tara. I know it’s unusual, but could we ask you to speak with her? She seems to have details of your recent adventure that are strangely specific. I thought it might help you, Sorch, to hear some context. And Ames, you might be able to help the young lady with her quest.”

  The big cowgirl say, “I’m sorry to bother you, I know from my conversation with these fine folks that the two of you are recovering from a recent excursion. I can actually help you with that, I’m a cleric of Melflavin the Tinker. Our order is small, comprised mostly of dedicated humans, elves, and minotaurs. But I assure you that our healing technique is quite apt. Could I be of service?”

  Kitty look like not trust. Me step forward. All surprised, but me figure no cowgirl ever hurt me yet, so why not? Me nod at Tara.

  Priest girl put big hand on head. Glad me wash hair now. Me close eyes. Praying sound somehow familiar. Get feeling, not first time healed by cowperson. Almost got thought pinned down, when big light hit brain. Pain from forever start to melt away. Arm feel better. Skin and bone feel better.

  Me take two step back, like blown by big wind. Quickly push kitty forward. “You gotta try.” me tell cat.

  Cowgirl do same for cat too. Kitty stand up on tiptoes when healing hit, tail fluffed out. “T-that was… thank you Tara, I didn’t even know that I needed that as badly as I did.”

  Cleric smile some. “You’re both welcome, I assure you.” Dem teeth perfect.

  Leeson-mom say, “Thank you for your kindness, lady Tara. Please, let’s all sit and you can talk. Breakfast will be here in a bit.”

  Leeson hop up. “Denyce will need help with the plates, I’ll be back shortly.” Watch boy go. Think he trying to get in mom’s good eye. Or maybe like watch Denyce’s butt. Either way: Smart kid.

  Tara say, “I’m not certain if Toby ever mentioned me, but I used to be his wife, many years ago. It didn’t work out because of… different priorities. The biggest one being my life quest. The Wandering struck me many years before it did him. For me, it coincided with my dedication to Melflavin.”

  Me roll name around in head. Toby. Flash of different cowperson in head. Friend. Now remember something about this cowgirl. Was story about her. Someone tell… who? Not remember. Only remember one bit.

  “You crying. About axe?”

  All eyes turn on me. Tara eyes wide. Excited? Scared? Hard say. Silly cowpersons.

  Ames stare at me and say, “Are you confused, love?”

  Tara say quick, “No, no. He’s right. I don’t know what exactly he’s talking about, but the Axe of McGrondle is my quest. After many years of being unable to find it, I recently had a powerful Geas placed on me. The compulsions and no small amount of divination have led me here. I have no idea why.”

  Kitty poke me in ribs. “Okay, well, spill. What is this Axe? Do you know where it is?”

  Me swat silly cat paw away. “Dunno! Me no got it. Where you think I hide axe?”

  Cowgirl rub chin. “Even if you don’t have it, perhaps you’ve seen it? I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t a connection. It’s a highly stylized battleaxe. The runes on it crawl around like they’re alive.”

  “And it cuts through stone and metal far more easily than it should.”

  Now we all stare at Ames. Kitty know more ‘n me, so I shut up.

  Dad say, “Well miss Tara, I think you’re in the right place. Or at least, it sounds like we might be able to help you discover your next destination. Pray tell Ames, have you seen this axe in action then?”

  Kitty nod. “I have. We both have. Sorch, remember the battle under the sewers? Toby’s weapon got shattered and he picked up the corrupt minotaur’s battleaxe? Then he started to hack up that stone elemental like it was butter.”

  Me hold up hands. “Dat not real, was just dream. I think. How you know dream?”

  Ames roll eyes.

  Tara smile now. “So Toby has the Axe of McGrondle? Where is he?”

  Kitty cry a little now. Dunno why, but feel like me start cry soon too. Know that answer is sad one, somehow.

  Sniffling, Ames say, “Toby, Will, and Rick were all sucked into a portal to Pandemonium. They didn’t have a choice, the cave was collapsing around them. But they… they’re gone.”

  Now Tara start crying. That make me cry too. Through tears, see Mom and Dad look at each other. Even they a bit sad.

  Leeson and servant come in then. They say nothing, just lay out pancakes and sliced fruit and syrup. Mom hug Leeson from chair, he squeeze Mom’s shoulders. Could all use hug right now really. Dad say eat some, feel better after.

  We do dat. Sweet syrup on hot cakes is good. Does make me feel better. Dad so smart.

  Cowgirl put down fork and say, “Wait. If my Geas still compelled me to come here, they’re still alive.”

  Kitty drop fork. “What? What do you mean, how does this Geas work?”

  Tara explain, “It limits my actions. I can’t step away from the quest. It forces me to walk certain paths, and I’m not allowed to take diversions unless it is preparation for whatever the next step might be. In exchange, I know that the compulsions are leading me to the next clue, the next witness. If the quest becomes impossible, I’m freed. And right now, I’m still compelled.”

  Dad cut in and mention, “And if you remain compelled for a significant time without progress, you’ll go mad. Or die.”

  Cowgirl nod slowly.

  Mom sigh. “The things we do for adventure and magic.” She look at me after say that. I shrug.

  Ames tap claws on rim of plate. “You’re saying they’re still alive in Pandemonium, and we have a chance to somehow get them back? How?”

  Dad finish food and stand. “Research is how. I’ll contact the Arcane University and get some resources on this. I still have some pull there.”

  Mom stand too, which mean we all stand. Gotta respect Mom. “And before my son can steal a ship, I’ll arrange for one. Limt is the closest destination with a teleportation circle, which I’m certain you’ll need. Son, your job is to help your friends in any way possible, and make sure our ship comes back in one piece. You have until one week before the school year starts. I want you at the Arcane University for Soft Fall. Are we clear?”

  Leeson blink at Mom, then nod quickly. “Yes ma’am.”

  We eat while Mom and Dad get ready stuff and things. When dey back, try to be like normal people for a bit. Remember dey talk about crops and stuff around world, so ask about here.

  I say, “Uhhh. So how is grapes and moos?”

  Mom-Renault say, “The grape harvest is down this year, for the third year in a row. It’s fine to have a more exclusive vintage, but there’s definitely something wrong. There’s been less rainfall, fewer bees and birds doing the pollination. And not just here, all over Panos. We landowners have lodged a formal inquiry, as has the elven Council up in Civilia. If this is malicious manipulation by some power, we hope to find out.”

  Dad-Renault say, “The cattle are fine, but weights are slightly lower. There’s enough grazing, but we’ve had to supplement their water supply. It’s a very similar situation to what my mate just described. I have no doubt that if the increased heat and decreased rainfall continues, the Arcane University will be pulled in to investigate as well. Eventually we’ll be looking at ridiculous prices for even the most common vegetables. The poor will go hungry, even with all of the divine aid in the world. Let’s hope things improve over the next couple of years.”

  Leeson chimed in, “We’re refitting a couple of our ships for a heavier fishing load. It will help our people in the short term. We have to be careful not to overdo it or we’ll hurt the fishing in years to come. But for now, it’s the best we can do.”

  Mom mention, “Leeson’s idea, that one was.” Sound proud.

  Dad say, real dry, “Yes, when he’s not stealing th
e horses and riding into enemy territory, he does have the occasional good plan.”

  We finish eats and thank kitchen folks for meal. Then go gets our stuff, plus stuff Leeson say we take. Ship and crew ready by time sun dip into ocean.

  Lots more tears when we go. Got hugs from Mom and Dad, gotta cry then. Kitty make me cry when talk ‘bout saving friends. Even cry looking out at ship on water. Remember something. Smell like fish. Ships in and out of harbor. Was excited but don’t know why.

  No time fer cry once we on boat. Got put to work. Haul this, stow dat. Pull dis rope, tie dat rope. Lotsa sore things before let me go for night.

  We sit on deck for while, just rest bones. Boy ask Tara why she need magic axe so bad.

  Cowgirl say, “Oh I don’t want the Axe of McGrondle itself. I just need to know its fate. If it still exists, I need to touch it, examine it. I realize that might sound strange.”

  Kitty say, “It sounds more than strange.”

  Tara explain, “You probably heard various tales from Toby, and perhaps other minotaurs. We’re the lore keepers of Panos. Even if every book were to burn, even if every civilization were to fall, we would preserve the truth about this world. As long as we live, so shall the legends of this world.”

  I say, “Cause you like maker-god, you get axe quest.”

  Cowgirl point at me and nod. “Sorch is exactly right. Melflavin is the creator, the artificer. When my life quest came, I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. But the Axe was present at several key battles throughout history. The elves fought in both major wars, and each time a minotaur was present with the Axe of McGrondle. It is vitally important to our history, and its fate may very well be important to our future. So I accepted the quest. Now, we can be the ones to update the record.”

  Leeson say, “So you don’t need to possess the axe. Just confirm who wields it, document everything that we know about where it has been.”

  Tara no say nothin’ for few seconds. Finally say, “Because of the Geas, I do actually need to touch it. That is a separate condition to the requirements of my life quest. I needed the extra help, even if it came at quite a high cost.”