by Bill Ricardi
Or buying the audiobooks at https://www.audible.com/author/Bill-Ricardi/B0047O87T6
Another Stupid Apocalypse
by Bill Ricardi
Book 3 of Another Stupid Trilogy
Version 1.2: ‘Revamp’ - Copyright Bill Ricardi - 2019 - All Rights Reserved.
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Foreword
“...and I— I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
- Robert Frost, ‘The Road Not Taken’
It has been a crazy, wonderful year.
I need to thank my friends and my family. Particularly my loyal Beta Readers: Tim Vecchiarelli and Ian Lee.
And of course, Hugor and Hugorky Rodriguez have created a cover that I am proud of, once again bringing Sorch to life.
To Stephen and Terry and Daniel, the three authors who continue to inspire the series even to this very moment.
To Loki and Rick, one who scampers and one who supports.
But the new kids on the block are the audiobook team at Podium Publishing: Greg Lawrence, who took a look at the series and saw a brave, smart orc who needed a home. Victoria Gerken, who took my hand and led me through the darkness while whispering, ‘It’s your turn now.’ James Patrick Cronin, unparallelled voice actor for Another Stupid Trilogy and the new soul of Sorch. And Emily, Alexandre, Tamara, and Jessica, and the entire Podium team. Thank you.
Chapter 1
“I am Captain Sorch Stonebender, breaker of the Voodoo Engine, hero of Royal Moffit… and the second smartest orc on Panos.”
I realized that I had been caught mid-soliloquy when I heard my mate and my son howling with laughter somewhere behind me.
Rather than acknowledge the mirth of my family, I feigned stoicism and stared out upon the ocean. I reminded myself that I was the suave, striking orc captain of this 15 ton caravel. I bought it with gold that had been earned through blood and through trials. I was the master of all I surveyed, the leader of-
Benno’s voice cut through my musings like a flaming sword through snow. “Do you think he imagines himself in some kind of uniform when he does this?”
Ames was quick to pile on. “Well he’s getting old kiddo, his memory isn’t everything that it used to be. In that poor addled head, he’s probably concocted a full and glorious naval career.”
I heaved a long suffering sigh and looked over my left shoulder. A pair of wicked, toothy grins were waiting for me.
On the left, my mate. The white furred were-cat regarded me with narrowed, emerald green eyes. I knew the difference between Ames’ upset glare and their amused peering; gods know we had been together long enough. The jovial little tail flicks were a dead giveaway as well. My feline’s chest was shaking just a bit, likely trying to avoid laughing directly in my face.
On the right, my son. He was pretending to be innocent. The younger orc was looking slightly above my head, bare green arms folded across his chest. It was amazing how many of our mannerisms that the lad had picked up in just the last two years. Sometimes it was like I was looking into a mirror, only to find a pair of green, hazel-flecked eyes staring back at me. Eyes that were filled with intelligence. When I qualified my initial statement, it was because of Benno. I had once been the smartest orc on all of Panos. Now that mantle was laid firmly upon his shoulders.
I asked, “Don’t the two of you have something better to do? Tying a rope or making lunch or something?”
Ames reminded me, “I’m taking the wheel because you’re supposed to be making lunch. Captain Stonebender.”
Benno murmured, “...breaker of the Voodoo Engine, hero of Royal Moffit. Lunch lady.”
I stalked past the two of them, but not before grabbing Benno by the ear. He yelped and swatted at my arm. When I let go, he dutifully followed his old man down to the galley. Sandwiches were on the menu today, as we had to finish the bread before it went stale. We would have none for the return journey. To be fair, no leavened loaf would survive this salty sea air for long.
Even though I was the one who paid for her, the R. M. N. ‘Taboo’ was technically part of the Royal Moffit Navy. The designation was a gift from the King and Queen for ‘services above and beyond the heroic standard’. It meant that technically she could be pressed into service in times of war, but I still had sole authority to assign crew to her. The important part of the R. M. N. designation was: I didn’t have to pay docking fees or duty in any port on the South coast. They say it’s good to be king, but sometimes it’s even better to be the king’s favorite orc.
The Taboo had made good time so far. We were two days out of Limt and sailing East-Southeast towards the open ocean. We’d reach our destination within an hour. According to ancient maps, this area once hosted a family of twenty small islands. All of them reclaimed by the sea within the last couple of centuries.
In the galley, Benno and I formed our usual assembly line. I used my dagger, an instrument that had not seen action outside of a kitchen for half a dozen seasons, to slice up our bounty. Bread, smoked fish, and cheese were passed to my left. My son artfully assembled the pieces and added the appropriate garnishings and condiments. He had a knack for food. If he wasn’t such a damned fine mage, we would have put him to work in the Spastic Vole as a chef.
I watched those nimble fingers, just as comfortable making a tuna sandwich as they were conjuring a stream of Acid Bolts. Benno was about 14 now, which was considered adulthood within the Southern Tribes. He had gone from scrawny young whelp to strapping young man in no time at all. But his fingers would never be like mine. He wouldn’t grow up with the abuse, the manual labor, and the exposure to the elements that I had to endure. He would earn his first calluses when he started to adventure, or when he began crafting at the Arcane University, or perhaps when he took up a musical instrument. Images of my past and a myriad of his potential futures washed through my mind. I tried to sort through them in an orderly way, but something was distracting me.
“Dad? Hey, Dad?”
My eyes quickly found my son’s. “Sorry.” I murmured.
Benno smiled at me, gently. He said, “You were far away.”
I quickly took up two of the wooden plates. “Yeah.”
The younger orc picked up his own meal. “It’s happening more and more. Do you think we should talk to Max, or maybe Hemitath?”
I shook my head and said, “Not right now kiddo. Please.”
He bit his lower lip a little bit. Then Benno shrugged and let the matter drop. He walked up the narrow stairway leading to the forecastle deck, and I followed in silence.
I had made a couple of modifications to the Taboo. Some of them involved adjustments to the rigging and sails so that they were easier for Invisible Servants to handle. Given how many mages would likely be using the small ship, that seemed like a wise investment. But another change was the installation of benches on either side of the ship’s wheel. They provided the captain with a little more shelter from sea spray, as well as additional cover in battle. But most importantly, the benches meant that our little family could eat together without abandoning our posts.
Family meals were important to the three of us. Despite having mostly given up adventuring, the last couple of years were anything but routine. I spent much of my time learning complex magic, oftentimes directly from Master Gideon and Headmaster Max. Benno had to contend with formal training, puberty, love, and lessons on psychic communication from Assistant Donnelly. Ames juggled responsibilities at the Spastic Vole with envoy tasks for Max and Hemitath. The feline was one of the key figures that encouraged and coordinated trade and tourism between Ice House and the Southern Tribes, after the new Circle of Transport had been opened up in the middle of the Jeywafa Tribe’s village.
Even with all of these demands on our time, the three of us ate together as often as possible. This policy often annoyed the ‘powers that be’, but they understood that they c
ould either agree to this small concession or they could lose the considerable combined talents of our little clan. It was over the dinner table that I got to know my son. It was in the kitchen that Ames and Benno bonded. It was while doing dishes that we shared our deepest secrets and forged a strong family dynamic.
I ate my sandwich quietly as my mate and my son sat on the bench opposite and chatted away. For some reason my mind was drawn back to a weekend outing some months ago. Rather than the smiling, voracious creatures of the present, I was seeing my family’s past. My son in tears, his food untouched. I was remembering how he sobbed into Ames’ fuzzy shoulder after confessing that he had just broken up with his first lover. My boy’s unnatural intelligence, natural magical talents, and potent psychic abilities made him the most formidable young student at the Arcane University. But he had been laid low by a stupid wager between teenagers regarding who could romance and bed him first.
I forced my awareness back into the present before I started to drift again. I cleared my throat and then mentioned, “I think we should go over the mission parameters one more time.”
Twin groans arose from the opposite bench.
Ames asked, “For the third time, really?”
Benno took a different tack. “Yes Father, let us review these parameters that you speak of, for they are important both to the mission and to me personally.”
That healthy dose of sarcasm set Ames off, and I was forced to wait until my mate finished laughing before I could continue.
I said, “He gets that from you, you know.”
Ames’ only reply was a sweet smile.
I sighed, then launched into the mission plan.
“We’re here on a charter from the greater Elven Council, supported by the Arcane University. The weather situation on Panos has continued to deteriorate, to such a level that sponsored magical exploration of the skies, the oceans, and deep underground caverns has been undertaken. The goal: To find the source or sources of the radical changes that have been happening to our world over the last decade.”
Benno and Ames were both somber now, quietly listening as they finished their fish sandwiches.
I mentioned, “Because this is Benno’s midterm break, I accepted this mission on behalf of the entire family. You wanted to do some field work and see exactly what your parents do on an adventure… here’s your chance kiddo.”
The younger orc nodded. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know. Anyway, there are a couple of reasons why we’ve been told to investigate this particular sunken island. First of all, it is clear evidence of rising sea levels. So if the former inhabitants had any idea what was happening at the time, they may have left clues that apply to the more rapid and dramatic shifts that we’re seeing in recent times. Secondly, the leyline nearest to our old village branches off and terminates somewhere close to this area. Nobody in modern times has studied that phenomenon, so it makes sense to send a couple of mages.”
Ames said, dryly, “And a cat.”
I said, “A cat who loves water, for some strange reason. But we hardly have time to explore all of your faults right now.”
Ames made a particularly rude gesture towards me. I took it in stride.
“But perhaps most importantly, we’ve had dealings with both of the gods of magic. The area we’re going to explore is supposedly an early temple of magic, though the god or goddess isn’t named in any of the texts that we have access to. It might be pagan and powerless, a misguided effort. Or it could be a dedication to Omi-Suteth before these people had a name for her. We’ll know more when we get there. Questions?”
There were none. That was fair, given that it was our third overview of the subject.
We finished our meals and Benno collected the wooden plates. Ames quickly banished me to washing-up duty, wanting to experience that feeling of captaincy in peace for a while. I headed back down to the kitchen, where dishes from our last three meals awaited our attention.
As I tapped water from one of the casks into my trusty magical cooking pot, Benno absently shuffled dishes around in the sink. I murmured, “Blaze.” Then I turned to regard my son as the water was heating up.
“Are you okay, kiddo?”
Benno forced an insincere smile. “I’m fine Dad.”
He wasn’t.
I squeezed his shoulder gently. “Come on, spill it.”
The young orc sighed. “It’s nothing.” A pause. Then he murmured, “As long as you’re okay.”
I snorted. “What, the daydreaming? I’m getting old, losing my mind. What’s your name again?”
My son leveled a scowl at me, making it clear that he didn’t find my flippant attitude amusing. “With your history of visions and mental invasion, I don’t think that any of this trivial.”
“I’m not trying to trivialize things. Honestly. If you want to have a discussion about it, take a minute to organize your thoughts and we’ll get into it.”
Benno absently tapped his digits against the edge of the sink. For a minute, that steady cadence was the only sound in the small galley. Then my son said, “The most dire conclusion is that someone is intentionally messing with your head. It’s happened before after all.” He reached over to empty the warm water into the sink before it got too hot to handle.
I took the pot back so that I could tap more water into it. After considering the best way to address Benno’s concerns, I said, “Well we know it isn’t Koroth. Kiddo, these kinds of… internal retreats. They aren’t happening at critical times. But I think that we can both agree that they’re happening for a reason, right?”
Benno nodded as he halfheartedly shifted the dishes around in the warm water.
I slid the pot away from the water keg, allowing the magical cooking implement to heat up once more. “Then let’s find out what the reason is. Have I ever told you the difference between ‘wonder’ and ‘why’?”
The younger orc frowned a little bit. “No, I don’t think so.”
I dipped a sponge into the water, and then rubbed a fragment of soap against it until it started to lather. “Wonder is about imagination and contemplation. But it’s only the first stage. Wonder is the tool of the artist, the philosopher. You can wonder about the daydreaming all you like, but the more constructive thing to do is to find out why. Because why is-”
Benno leapt on the word. “Science. Why is science.”
I grinned toothily at my boy, before passing him the soapy sponge. “And experimentation, and reasoning. We do magic and science to improve ourselves. To improve the world. Every problem can be pondered, but pondering alone rarely presents you with a solution. Move beyond the wonder and seek the why. When we find out the ‘why’, we can take the next step.”
Then my boy surprised me. “So we start a journal.”
I frowned a little bit. Honestly, I hoped to distract him with my lesson rather than come up with an immediate course of action. “Okay.”
Benno’s mind was working, and he was gaining steam now. While he vigorously scrubbed the dishes and handed them over to me for a rinse in the hot, clean water, my son outlined the gathering of evidence. He said, “We record the details of each daydream and then categorize them. Was the dream about something personal, professional, or something of a regional or global scope?”
I poured the water out into a basin before it reached the point where it would scald my hands. “Kiddo…”
But there was no stopping or distracting my boy now. “We put the events in chronological order. Then we find the common threads between the things that you were remembering, and see if they correspond to whatever you were doing or talking about at the time.”
“Benno? I think…”
“Once we have a good sample size, we take it to the people who know you best and ask if they see patterns. We’ll take notes on that, and then present the whole case to Max and Hemitath to get help with the final analysis!”
I sighed. “Benno.”
The younger orc said, “Yea
h Dad?”
I was about to shut down his plan, but in the silence that hung between us, I changed my mind. If it would make Benno feel better, it was worthwhile. “That sounds like a great idea.”
He beamed at me. My son’s smile never failed to trigger an internal surge of pride.
Once we finished cleaning and securing the dishes, I told Benno to go get ready. We would be at our destination within half an hour.
In short order, the three of us were standing on the quarterdeck. We commanded the Invisible Servants to furl the sails and drop the anchor. There would be a little drift, but the ship should remain fairly stationary while we went about our business.
Upon seeing our diving outfits, Ames commented, “The two of you are going to be useless, aren’t you.”
My son and I frowned and looked at each other.
I could see how we might look ridiculous to a non-mage. Both of us wore our Amulets of Enhanced Enchanting, of course. Other than that, we were stripped down to just our breeches, which meant that everything we needed for magic had to be toted around in pouches. Seven pouches in Benno’s case, more in mine. This was because everything would be floating around underwater, so the component for every spell had to be kept separate.
We also slathered ourselves in grease. It was an insulator after all, should temperatures get cold down there. The two of us did smell like bacon as a result.
I cleared my throat, “In our defense, this is what we’re taught at the Arcane University.”
The feline refrained from further comment. Ames had stripped down to shorts, held up by a sword belt. Their short sword was peace-knotted so that it didn’t drift away on the descent. The cat left the vast majority of their gear in the cabin, taking only one pouch of lockpicks on this undersea venture.
We prepared a couple of copper chains with Light cantrips so that we would have wearable illumination when we needed it. Once that was done, I asked, “Is everyone ready?” My mate and my son murmured affirmatives.