The only way with a maths master is to hav a very worred xpression. Stare at the book intently with a deep frown as if furious that you canot see the answer. at the same time scratch the head with the end of the pen. After 5 minits it is not safe to do nothing any longer. Brush away all the objects which hav fallen out of the hair and put up hand.
‘Sir?’ (whisper)
‘Please sir?’ (louder)
‘Yes, molesworth?’ sa maths master. (Thinks: it is that uter worm agane chiz)
‘Sir i don’t quite see this.’
nb it is esential to sa you don’t quite ‘see’ sum as this means you are only temporarily bafled by unruly equation and not that you don’t kno the fanetest about any of it. [Dialog continue:]
‘What do you not see molesworth?’ sa maths master (Thinks: a worthy dolt who is making an honest efort)
‘number six sir i can’t make it out sir.’
‘What can you not make out molesworth?’
‘number six sir.’
‘it is all very simple molesworth if you had been paing atention to what i was saing at the beginning of the lesson. Go back to your desk and think.’
This gets a boy nowhere but it show he is KEEN which is important with maths masters.
The Discovery of the Rhomboid.
Maths masters do not like neck of any kind and canot stand the casual approach.
HOW NOT TO APPROACH A MATHS MASTER
‘Sir?’
‘Sir sir please?’
‘Sir sir please sir?’
‘Sir sir please sir sir please?’
‘Yes molesworth?’
I simply haven’t the fogiest about number six sir.’
‘Indeed, molesworth?’
‘It’s just a jumble of letters sir i mean i kno i couldn’t care less whether i get it right or not but what sort of an ass sir can hav written this book.’
(Maths master give below of rage and tear across room with dividers. He hurl me three times round head and then out of the window.)
Maths masters do not stop at arith and algy they include
Pythagoras puzzled by one of my theorems.
geom and to do this they hav a huge wooden compass with chalk in the end for the blakboard. The chalk make a friteful noise which set our delicate nerves jangling my dear but this is better than doing the acktual geom itself.
Pythagoras as a mater of fact is at the root of all geom. Insted of growing grapes figs dates and other produce of greece Pythagoras aplied himself to triangles and learned some astounding things about them which hav been inflicted on boys ever since.
Whenever he found a new thing about a triangle Pythagoras who had no shame jumped out of his bath and shouted ‘Q.E.D.’ through the streets of athens its a wonder they never locked him up.
To do geom you hav to make a lot of things equal to each other when you can see perfectly well that they don’t. This agane is due to Pythagoras and it formed much of his conversation at brekfast.
A few lazy parrallelograms basking on Mount Olympus. Pythagoras stalking them.
PYTHAGORAS (helping himself to porridge): Hmm. I see the sum of the squares on AB and BC = the square on AC.
WIFE: Dear dear.
PYTHAGORAS: I’m not surprised, not surprised at all. I’ve been saying that would come for years.
WIFE: Yes dear.
PYTHAGORAS: Now they’ll hav to do something about it. More tea please. There’s another thing – the day is coming when they’re going to have to face the fact that a strate line if infinitely protracted goes on for ever.
Wife: Quite so.
PYTHAGORAS: Now take the angle a, for xsample.
(His wife sudenly looses control and thro the porridge at him. Enter Euclid: another weed and the 2 bores go off together)
All this taken into consideration it is no wonder that no cunning wheezes or super dodges can be plaed on maths masters. You just hav to sufer so boo to fractions long div short div decimals.
A battle of giants. Pythagoras bends the angle A.
5. SINGING MASTERS
Singing masters are frequently fr. maths lat or geog masters. This is becos when they first come up to the headmaster and sa ‘Any odd jobs going? Chop your wood,’ the head sa, ‘Yes, you could take 2B in div. geog. handiwork and carpenty but only if you pla the organ and take singing as well.’ Singing master then touch his cap. ‘Give you a bit of a jingle,’ he sa and take out a mouth organ at which headmaster flee into the woods.
Singing master then sit on stool of skool piano as if he could pla it with ring of worms and cads round him. fotherington-tomas hand round books full of minims crotchets etc which hav been made into beetles by boys mischievous fingers dear dear wot will they be up to next. Master then sa Number 56 hearts of oak class sing mightily and windows burst all over the skool.
As singing masters stray into the job so to speak you get all sorts and there is no real telling. i mean we had one you kno the one with the super sports car urum-urum-urum-uraaaaaa who used to sa O.K. hep cats snap into the boogie. which was super but the trouble with singing is headmasters hear it they can’t help it. That master was soon in his sports car headed for town urum-urum-urum-uraaaa etc which was hard cheddar really.
On the other hand there are ones who sa lets hav a opera i mean to sa with our mob. Not that he didn’t get a few weeds on his side and wot with fotherington-tomas as lieutenant pinkerton and molesworth 2 as tanhauser you couldn’t hear yourself rag chiz.
Personaly it is not the noise i object to in music it is the words. i could not care less if i find the minstrel boy in the ranks of death the sooner the better he is uterly wet and unable to lift his fathers sword. On the other hand you can always put goldfish in the piano or something so if music be the food of luv pla on etc. fortissimo.
Table of Grips and Tortures for Masters
The plain blip for numskulls.
Side hair tweak exquisitely painful.
Single-hair extraction for non-attenders.
The cork in the storm for violent temperaments.
Portable rack for maths masters (with thumbscrew attachment).
The headshave with ruler.
The Cumberland creep from behind with silver pencil.
The simple open furnace.
Aktually masters are not bad really and you hav got to hav them. They are absolutely like weeds becos when one goes another always aperes. (Som in fact are quite d. you might almost think they were human but on the whole i keep on with my batle cry DOWN WITH THE USHERS. LET HONEST SKOOLBOYS PREVAIL MASTERS UNFAIR TO MOLESWORTH.)
4
LESSONS
AND HOW TO AVOID THEM
1. BOTANY
Hurra for the botany walk!
Now boys get into croc. Tinies in front seniors at the rear. Off for the woods and keep your eyes skinned. Ha-ha – what do we see at once but a little robin! There is no need to burst into tears fotherington-tomas swete tho he be. Nor to buzz a brick at it, molesworth 2.
Pause at the zebra look left look right. Strate into the vicar’s bicycle. That’s all right we were none of us hurt and i canot believe that the vicar really said that grabber.
Ho for the woods agane!
Tread softly softly tippy toes. There is a bunny sprinting to its warren. And there a rook – one of the most fasscinating of the crow family. Keep that leaf for your pressings book, plunkett 2. You can see what, molesworth? A man-eating tiger? It hav a horible face with beedy eyes and weedy whiskers? i am sure you are mistaken. Ah, it was only the matron. Good afternoon, mato!
Now scater for specmens and when i blo the whistle scamper back to the fairy ring.
Peep!
Now
Wot hav we?
A dead bird, peason? i don’t think that would find its place in the nature museum it is so very dead. A beetle a green spangle a brace of frogs. A worm, molesworth? Ha-ha. I see a resemblance. A fern frond, fotherington-tomas. I shall kepe it and wear it on my hat.
To
me all and let us be very silent. Wot do we hear? Gillibrand bloing his nose? No, molesworth the corncrake. CHIRUK–QUARK–HONK–HONK–CHIRUK–QUARK. The corncrake is a clever felow he is a ventriloquist and can thro his voice. Did you sa he could thro it in the dustbin as far as you are concerned, peason? That is not nice. ‘Who were you out with Friday, baby?’ Wot boy said that? The corncrake, molesworth? I saw your lips move i shall report you on return.
Fall into croc agane. Tinies in front. Back thro the woods. Out into the road and cross by the zebra look left look right. Cross! Ah, the vicar’s bicycle agane. What a coincidence! He did sa that word, grabber? Which word? Oh.
Ho and away agane all!
This is the sort of chiz that miss pringle indulges herself in with a botany walk. all boys are browned off and could not care less if a bee place its long nose into a flower and suck honey etc. or if anebode place their long nose anywhere in the world in space. The same goes for brite eyed creatures watching us from their lairs. No wonder when they see our skool they all run away. i would do the same if i was a stoat.
HOW TO AVOID BOTANY
Suply yourself with a paket of cigs. When in woods ask permission to seek for a nest. Zoom away and climb a tree with peason or some other chump. Smoke a couple restfully. When ready return to fairy ring with three twigs and some straw then burst into tears a teeny ringtale ever so sweet hav been singing. Really botany make you sick – and if you smoke those cigs more so.
Boo to birds beasts crows trees grass flowers also cristopfer robin and wind in the wilows. Charge at the tinies and mow them down.
Fragrant Leaves from My Botany Book
A Glurk Trolling.
A Blue-nosed Chuck Brooding.
A Lesser Titwort Avoiding a Worm.
A Mongolian Thick Surprised (Rear View.)
2. HISTORY
History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse. It is like racing really when peason and i have a modest fluter thro the under gardener. All the favourites go down.
Harold beaten at Hastings.
Richard the Lion-Hart couldn’t beat Saladin who was black as your hat.
Bruce victorious at Banockburn tho Scotish pack heavily outweighted.
Cavaliers beaten by the roundheads.
Finally beaten by the Yanks who thro all our tea into Boston harbour dressed like red indians that was the absolute end.
History began with a lot of barons who opresed everbode. Then they became respectable and agreed king John was going too far. Thou mayest hav the body they cried so he signed magna carta in xchange. When king john had got the body he didn’t kno what to do with it of course. He ort to hav put a gun in its hand and make it appere like suicide chiz like in the detective stories.
Everything went on and people like Prince Rupert zoom about on their chargers at mach 1 or close to speed of sound. Meanwhile they discovered books and lots of people learned to read. This is nothing to boste about aktually as even molesworth 2 can read, but they thort it was wonderful and it all led to skools chiz chiz chiz.
It also led to KNOLEDGE.
A SERF: We are not hapy in our lot.
AN APRENTICE: Nor in our lot either.
This meant the Rise of the People and the People hav gone on rising ever since like yeast until you kno where they are now hapy and prosperus you ask them when the television programme is over.
And if you ask all those who hav gone before i am not sure whether they would agree that it is worth it. But it is too late now.
HOW TO AVOID HISTORY
Noone hav ever found a way of avoiding history it is upon us and around us all. The only thing when you look at the cuning vilaninous faces in our class you wonder if history may not soon be worse than ever.
Sometimes you can get out of a hist. lesson by SEMING ILL. Pinch some flour from the kitchen if molesworth 2 hav not eaten it and rub well into face. After ten minits hold the brow and groan. The hist. master stops in the middle of agincourt:
‘Thou semest pale, molesworth 1. Is ort the mater? Come, youth, impart wot ails thee’.
(Note: Hist. masters always talk like ivanhoe, blak arow etc.)
‘No really sir i am quite alright.’
‘Zounds it semeth thou hast the plague, good skolar.’
‘Nay, sirrah.’
(You talk like that too it is catching)
‘But tis most remarkable i trow. Hi ye to matronnes room for a phial of phisick.’
‘Nay nay sir no witches brew from yon crone shall ever pass my lips.’
‘But thy eye is bright with fever thou shakest with palsy and would seme to hav the ague. Tis surely the king’s evil.’
‘Does that put you off foopball. It is a chiz.’
Note: the real chiz about this method of avoiding history is that if the hist master go on long enuff you begin to believe that death is really upon you. You hav something wrong with your heart which hav stoped beating: your jaw is stuck open and you canot close it also you are going blind. On the whole it is beter to put up with the hist. lesson and draw beetles on the blotch quietly or dab criket.
Untold History
How sir molesworth stormed the castle of sir sirloin de peason in Picardy. (The original is preserved in the fly leaf of his latin dictionary.)
How sir molesworth led the apprentices from the City stormed the skool and claped the headmaster in the Tower.
3. SCIENCE
Old fashioned skolars i.e. Tom Brown jan ridd 5th form at st dominicks etc. used to regard science as a joke. They called it stinks ha-ha which semed v. funy to them. They mixed lots of acids and powders in test tubes and the worse it smelt the more sucessful the lesson.
Progress is striking. Let us review some of the achievements of our science group. Here are some projects on which we are working. Forward the young elizabethans this is wot orange juice hav done for the world.
IN THE PLANNING STAGE
Long term. The peason-molesworth space ship to reach the moon in twenty years. By the time we are twenty we may hav worked out how to get back. Or will civilisation abandon us? Space ship is made out of a tin bath so we can keep clean when we get there.
Advanced stage: The plunket radio-controlled germ beamed to atack all masters.
The molesworth 2 thermometer with thermostatic control. Registers normal with matron and then pops up to 102.
The jet bowling attachments for criketers. Fits on arm and delivers ball at mach 8. Swerve off-break and googly atachment extra.
Quick-firing chalk gun for violent masters. Telescopic sights.
Electronick brane in difrent sizes. Does latin sentences tots up sums Greek, French German speaking up to C. entrance standard. Answers everything and bafles masters.
All these are just wizard wheezes at the moment but all boys are plotting hard except molesworth 2 he is inventing the wheel as he feel in science nothing should be accepted he is uterly wet and couldn’t hurt a flea.
Meanwhile new society of robot ant boys are pressing headmaster for better equipment. Why not a proton syncrotron to accelerate protons beyond 10 mil eh? We must make haste sloly sa headmaster.
All the same once we hav the syncrotron we shall all be a google eyed ant society. At the moment we hav the google eyes at any rate which is something especially peason. When we arive in our helicopters we shall take over the skool and feed all with cream. FREE THE SLAVES. WE LOOK TO THE DAY.
HOW TO AVOID SCIENCE
A good way in a science lesson is to wait until some old-fashioned poison like sulphurick acid etc. turns up. As per ushual science master, who not forward-looking, sa: No boy is to touch the contents of the tube.
Make up tube which look the same and place alongside acid. Master begins lesson drone drone drone. Sudenly you spring to feet with grate cry: ‘Sir Sir I can’t stand it any longer!’
Drink coloured water and collapse to be carried out as if dead. n.b. if you make a mistake with this one you are still carried out as if dead and you are.
> THE Molesworth-Peason Lines Machine. Runs off a hundred in one minit. (patnt pnding.)
4. DIVINITY
Div is super becos everyone do v. bludthirsty things which are pleasing to all boys.
For instance Cain did his bro Abel which is enuff to give me an idea occasionally about molesworth 2.
Abraham tried to do his small son isaac on the bonfire. He would hav done him proper if he hadn’t lost his nerve i call it disgraceful with a little kiddy like that who didn’t kno wot his pa was up to.
David sa yar boo sucks to goliath and buzz a brick at him. goliath fall stunned and wot david did then no giant could ever forgive him i.e. he did him.
Some old girl whose name i canot remember also did a chap with a tent peg a very nasty business when he was asleep.
Then there was another nasty business about Saul puting a chap in the front line in fact as mum would sa the whole thing is rather like the news of the world. Acktually i quite enjoy these tuough things but the philistines who are absolutely super chaps always get beaten in the end chiz. Anyway samson pull the whole place down on top of everbode just when the story is getting xciting so boo to the infant samuel.
HOW TO AVOID DIVINITY
You could try being let down by a rope into the class dressed as an angel. You then sa to the master Lo who are these cherubim and seraphim who are continually crying. He repli Form 3B. You then sa Lo they are not angles but angels with the xception of peason who hav a face like a baboon. You must dismiss them and the master oba.
Molesworth Page 4