Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  “I’m not angry with her.”

  “But, there are some resentful feelings there. Am I correct?”

  When I didn’t answer, he prodded me further. “Does this have to do with her new friendship with Jessie? Are you feeling…”

  “If you’re going to say jealous, that’s not it. I guess her new friendship reminds me that Alyssa will start to find her own space more and more. She’ll get new friends, start dating…”

  “And you’ll lose that connection with her?”

  I cringed inwardly. The bastard. He chose a topic I wouldn’t suspect I’d get emotional about. The increase in my pulse irritated the hell out of me. And then it hit me. I had steered the conversation in this direction, not Daniel. I pulled in a deep breath and sighed it out. Daniel put pencil to paper. “Really?” I shot out. “What could you possibly have to make notes about on that?”

  “Does this bother you?”

  This man of few words conveyed plenty with his eyes, his voice, his body language. I was losing control and with little effort on his part. “Yes…is it necessary?”

  He paused with feigned contemplation. “For me…it is. At least for now. Please bear with me.” He looked down and continued his movements as if I had no say in the matter. My mouth hung open. “You were saying…?”

  What the hell was I saying? Between those midnight blue eyes, the sexy black glasses, and his irritating repartee, concentration challenged me. “I don’t remember.” That was the convenient truth. “Why don’t you read back your transcript?” I gestured to his notepad. A startled look played across his face before disappearing.

  “We were discussing your relationship with Alyssa. Do you worry you’ll lose that connection with her because you’re not her mother.”

  “Maybe…I don’t know. I don’t think that far ahead most times.” I thrust my fingers through my hair, wondering if he was right on some level. “It’s possible.”

  “Do have feelings for Alyssa you want to share? Is there a mothering instinct that draws you to her?”

  I narrowed my eyes on him before answering. “So, you think because my mother died I’m trying to mother Alyssa?”

  Daniel set the pencil down, pulled off his glasses with a sigh, and then rubbed the sides of his nose. “Gray, it would help us both if you didn’t try to analyze everything I ask you.”

  My cheeks flushed to scarlet. “Oh…sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Try to remember I’m here to help you.” His teeth shined at me, and he replaced his glasses. “Just leave the analyzing to me.”

  I returned the expression back to him. “Got it. No analyzing your analyzation.”

  He tilted his head and gave me a scolding expression.

  “Yes,” I said flatly. “I care a great deal about Alyssa. But, I don’t think it was ever about anything other than the fact that she needed someone…and I was there for her. I didn’t seek her out. Hell, I thought she was a pain in the ass when I first met her. She never shut up, was demanding, nosy, always had some mangy, flea-ridden animal tucked somewhere on her body. And at the same time, she was merely a sweet innocent little girl who felt lost and alone. So, yeah, I care for her. A lot.” I wrapped my arms around myself and let my chin fall to my chest. The pencil lead scooting around the paper provided the only sound in the room.

  “There’s nothing that says you two can’t maintain a relationship once she becomes an adult.”

  I shrugged. “If I were her, I’d want to get the hell out of that place and start a new life.”

  “Away from her mother, the apartment, and you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s often true in the case of children. It’s possible Alyssa is no different. If it’s any consolation, she tells Jessie quite often how much you mean to her.”

  Warmth surrounded my heart, causing me to break into a wide grin. “Thank you for telling me.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I don’t have that many people in my life, so I don’t like the thought of losing Alyssa.”

  “That’s understandable. Who else are you close with?”

  The question stabbed my insides like someone poking a stick at a caged animal, taunting them. I’d already been through this with Dr. Wallace who thought I pushed people away, kept them at arm’s length, so they couldn’t get close to me. “That depends how you define close.”

  “Use your own definition. Whom do you feel close to?”

  My eyes scanned the room and landed on his expansive bookshelf. I wonder how many books are there. “No one.”

  “Is that how you really feel? You just told me how much you care about Alyssa. Wouldn’t you say you are close with her?”

  “I don’t know if I know what close is. I’ve felt alone most of my whole life. If you’d asked me who I spend time with, the answer would have been different.”

  “Okay, whom do you spend time with?”

  “Besides Alyssa…there’s my boss and friend, Evyn, but we haven’t been spending much time together as of late, obviously…there’s my aunts, Becca and Barb, but that’s really more out of familial obligation…and there’s…Nathan.”

  “Nathan?” Those dark blue hues peered across the room, landing on my dark greens. I wondered if I read more than curiosity.

  “He’s a friend.”

  “I gathered that much. Can you tell me something about him?”

  “Nathan is…hard to put into words. We met when we were in AA together. That was about…four or five years ago. And, of course, being the rebels that we were we broke one of the cardinal rules of AA.”

  Daniel’s pencil froze on the pad as he listened intently. I had dreaded talking about my relationship with Nathan, but for some reason, sharing these inappropriately fun times made my cheeks fill and my heart swell.

  “You two got involved?”

  “Does having sex mean involved?”

  “Why do you think that happened?”

  “Because I wanted sex, and I didn’t have a boyfriend.”

  “And that’s the only reason?”

  “You think we were substituting one coping mechanism for another?”

  He shook his head at my flub, and I cringed. “Sorry, that slipped out.”

  He held up a forgiving hand, and I caught a quick glimpse of his bicep strained under his shirt. Focus. “Do you think you were substituting one coping mechanism for another?”

  “Maybe we were.”

  “Are you in a relationship with him now?”

  I scoffed, shaking my head. “Nathan and I were never in a relationship.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Is Nathan not someone you’d consider being in a relationship with?”

  He was firing off questions faster than a damn machine gun.

  Before I could answer, his face lit with an idea. “He’s not the one who—”

  “No! Nathan would never hit me.” My voice sounded loud and agitated in the still room.

  “What is it about him that makes him not relationship material?”

  “That’s not it,” I said lower, trying to keep control. My defense mechanisms banged at the door, attempting to force their way inside. It wasn’t so much the subject of Nathan as much as where it all leads. “Nathan is an incredible man. He’s sweet, sensitive, hard-working. And it’s not like he didn’t want…I mean, I’m just…” I sighed, frustrated and growing tired. No longer was I inspired by nostalgia. I leaned over, resting my elbows on my knees. I squinted over at the clock on his desk, hoping our time was over.

  “Gray?”

  I rose from the chair and ambled over to the window, darkness staring me in the face. “Can we please talk about something else?”

  He reached over and flipped on one of the lamps, but it didn’t provide much light. I appreciated that. He didn’t answer my question, so I spoke again to fill the silence. “That was our deal, right?”

  “That was our deal. I hope you’ll consider coming back to this another time. If you thin
k about it, any subject that is difficult to discuss is a subject we should consider discussing.”

  “How very theoretical of you.”

  “I’ve been known to have a few theories.”

  I watched his reflection as he stared at me. Neither of us spoke for a short time, so I figured he was waiting for me. “Any theories about me you care to share?”

  “No.”

  I turned to find an unreadable face looking back at me from across the dimly lit room. “Too early for theories?”

  “Not at all,” he said. Then, he glided his pad into a file and stood, taking me by surprise. He casually slipped his hands into his pockets and took two confident strides in my direction. My heart thumped against my chest at his powerful presence. “I’ve got plenty of theories about you, Gray.” Another step left him a foot away and me with chills going down my spine. Like a magnet, I couldn’t pull my eyes from his. Was this some sort of intimidation technique? “Just none I care to share at this time,” he said with smooth arrogance. What did that mean? A half-grin tugged at his cheeks, and he reached toward me. My mouth went dry, and I swallowed. His hand closed in on the other lamp, behind my right arm. “I’d say it’s time to call it a night. Don’t you?” he said.

  I exhaled, hoping my face hadn’t blushed over my idiotic imagination. “Yes, I think I’ve had quite enough excitement for one night.”

  CHAPTER 13

  --------------------------

  “Seriously. Who wears hot pink to a stakeout?” I said to Becca.

  She sat in the passenger seat of my car sucking down a caramel iced coffee, her hot pink nails drumming with agitation on the side of the cup. “It’s not a freakin’ stakeout. That’s my freakin’ house!”

  “Are you sure he’s not home?”

  She pulled her cell from her purse and tapped out a number. Then, she gave me a confident nod and a wink as she held the phone to her ear. “Yes, hi. I brought my car in there yesterday for an oil change, and now it reeks of cigarette smoke!” She smiled and took a sip of her drink. “I don’t smoke! And I want to talk to the owner…now. Is he in?” After a short pause, she raised her eyebrows at me. “Thank you.” She touched End, tossed it into her purse, and said, “Let’s go.”

  We strolled across the street casually and wandered up to Becca and Harvey’s middle-class house. She chose to leave since she could live with her sister, but now, he made it impossible to get things when she needed them. I couldn’t bring myself to ask if he’d shown his temper to her as well. As soon as we arrived at the door, footsteps came up the walk.

  “Rebecca?” We turned to find a short blonde woman with a gangly toddler on her hip. “I thought that was you.”

  “Nannette. Hi,” Becca said, plastering on a quick toothy smile.

  “Hey. Surprised to see you here.” Her voice held an awkwardness that told us she was more than surprised.

  “Uh…this is my niece, Gray.”

  “Nice to meet you, Gray.”

  “You, too.”

  “How’ve you been, Nannette? My gosh, Alec has gotten so big.” Becca brushed the back of her hand down the boy’s cheek, and I held back a giggle. She hated kids since…well, since I was one. She didn’t have an ounce of mothering instinct in her.

  “You should see Chelsea,” Nannette said. “Like a weed, that girl.” She paused, looking over her shoulder nervously. “So, I hate to be a stickler, but Harvey says you’re not supposed to be coming around the house when he’s not here.”

  “What the hell?” I said.

  Becca put a hand on my crossed forearms as if I might do something stupid. “Nannette, this is my house. I live here. Well, I used to. I left of my own free will.”

  “Harvey told Roger that…” Nannette set Alec down and pointed across the lawn to a bigger girl drawing chalk on the next driveway. “Honey, go play with your sister.” The boy hesitated a beat, but then shuffled over. “Roger said you cheated on Harvey, and he made you leave.”

  “What the Fu…Nannette, I swear to you, Harvey’s lying. Look, none of this matters or is your business anyway. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is my house. If you’ll excuse me, I have some things to get.”

  “Fine.” Nannette pulled out her phone as she backed away.

  “Hey…you’re not calling Harvey, are you?” I asked, stepping toward her. We couldn’t take the chance of him rushing home and confronting us here.

  “Uh…” She looked down at her phone and back at me as I paced into her personal space.

  “You’re making a big mistake.” My confident stare left her blinking in consideration.

  She clicked the phone off and stuck a hand on her hip, summoning her courage. “Give me a reason why I shouldn’t.”

  “Oh, I’ve got plenty of those. I bet you didn’t know that douche canoe was an abuser.”

  Her mouth dropped open, and she gaped at Becca for confirmation.

  Becca had appeared as shocked as Nannette at my outburst. “I…”

  “Harvey hit me!” I shot out, bringing all eyes back to me. “And he probably hit Becca, too. She just won’t admit it.”

  Nannette shook her head incredulously. “I don’t know what to believe.” Her gaze swiped from us to her kids and back to us. “Just hurry and get out of here. Please.” She shoved the phone into her back pocket and stalked off, the echo of her words trailing as she left. “I don’t need this crap. I’m potty training for Pete’s sake!”

  I jogged back to the door where Becca stood frozen in place. “C’mon!” I said, grabbing her arm. “She might change her mind. Let’s go!”

  Becca let us into the house and headed straight back to the bedroom. I took the opportunity to snoop around, and see if there was anything I could use against Harvey in case the situation escalated further. Someone as slimy as him was bound to have a few skeletons in his closet, or at least a woman in a pit.

  Drawers opened and closed, closets slammed, she ransacked the place. The fridge stank like mildew when I opened it. A small kitchen window faced the street. I peeked out to see what Nannette was up to. The kids were still in their front yard, Nannette not in view. My mind flashed back to Harvey in my apartment, his horrid expression before he let me have it. Hot anger pulsed through me, and I began rummaging through every cupboard and drawer.

  After I scoured the grimy kitchen, the cluttered living room followed. I flipped up a few cushions and riffled through a side desk, making sure to return everything to its original position. Like he’d even notice.

  A fake tree in the corner of the room next to the TV caught my eye. The wicker basket that held it tilted up on one side. I slid across the wooden floor to it, easing it up on one side. A white envelope rested underneath. Inside, I found a stack of hundred dollar bills and a bankbook. I gaped at the pile of cash, my heart thudding faster. I grasped the stack of money and started to tuck it inside my bra. Who knew where it came from or why it was there, but Harvey sure as hell didn’t deserve it. If anything, I could give it to Becca. This had to be him holding out on her. I sat on my knees with my hand still clutching the wad against my chest. Daniel’s face came into view. Complete honesty. It’s not like he would ask me. Shit! I returned the money to the envelope, then I opened the bankbook and took a picture of it with my phone. Once I tucked the book back behind the cash, I stood with the prize in my hand. Slipping past the bedroom, I entered the hallway bathroom. There I lifted the seat and gently placed the envelope afloat in the bowl. Message sent, asshole.

  I jumped across the hall to find Becca leaving the bedroom with a large duffle bag. “Ready?” I asked, feeling damp around my hairline.

  “Yeah, I think that’s it.” She grabbed my arm when I tried to go. “Hey, that was fast thinking out there with Nannette. Sometimes I forget how good you really are.” The hope in her eyes looked for my response.

  I pulled my lips tight, tucking them under my teeth, my stare answering what she didn’t want to be true.

  Her head vibrated from side to si
de. Her eyes puddled. “No.”

  “I’m sorry, Becca.”

  “When?”

  “The day you met with the lawyers.”

  The bag thumped on the floor. Her arms wrapped around me. “My God, why didn’t you tell me, Gray?”

  A hand glided up and down my back. My breathing stuttered under her embrace as emotions filled me. Becca hadn’t held me like that in years. Not since… I yanked out of her arms, free from an onslaught of feelings I dreaded would come. “We should get out of here.”

  “Hold on,” she said, trailing me to the door. “What happened?”

  My hand held the knob, waiting. “He came to my apartment, asking me to talk to you. He wanted me to tell you I lied about seeing him with LuAnn that night.”

  “That’s why he hit you?” Her painful expression left a lump in my stomach. “Was it…bad?

  She hadn’t asked if it was a lie. Not then and not now, which told me she didn’t want to know. She wanted out either way. “I’m fine. It was a slap, and he left. C’mon, let’s go.”

  “God, I’m so sorry. That bastard is going to pay.”

  The picture on my phone popped into my head, but I cautiously held off mentioning it.

  Halfway down the driveway, Becca came to a halt. “Aw, crap!”

  “What?”

  “My mom’s turkey platter and gravy boat.” She shoved the bag at my arms. “I’m not leaving without those.”

  “Jeez, Becca. Hurry up.” She ran back up to the house as I ran to the car and tossed the hefty bag in the back. I started the car like a bandit and pulled it into the driveway for a fast getaway.

  Quiet laughter registered to my left, as I kept my focus on the front door. I left the window up, ignoring the two young children playing. Their innocent giggles, a faint whisper coming through the glass, eventually drew my attention. I turned, catching a big sister lovingly holding out a piece of chalk for her younger brother. The age difference was painfully close to Noah’s and mine. The girl stepped away from my gaze, which was locked on the boy scribbling light blue chalk in circles. The scraping against the sidewalk grew louder in my head, even though I had left the window in place. The chalk pinged to the ground, and then his eyes met mine. His blue fingertips rose to his lips, pressing against them and then reached up to the sky. Heartbeats echoed in my head, my eyes unable to turn from the ghostly image before me.