“Hey, don’t kid yourself.” I elbowed him and went back to work. “I am not sucking up.”
“Whatever. Look, I don’t know anything about this guy. But, he’s a guy, and you’re sexy and sweet and vulnerable…”
I turned and slapped a hand to my hip. “Uh…have you met me?”
He let out a breathy laugh. “You know what I mean.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway… he’s a professional.” I turned back to my work. “I’m about halfway through this fiasco, and once I’m done, I’m sure I’ll never see him again.” I wanted to convince myself as much as Nathan.
“Is this guy even helping you? This situation is starting to piss me off.”
I shrugged to avoid getting into it and fueling the controlling side of Nathan. “Let’s talk about you. How’s the restaurant?”
“Okay, you win…for now. But, I’m not letting this go. We will talk later. When you’re not reeling from being around Dr. Feel Good.”
Nathan filled me in on the latest new dishes he’d created and how the owner told him business had done nothing but grow in the past eighteen months since he became head chef. A sense of pride filled me at hearing the happiness in his voice, the excitement for things to come, and knowing I’d seen him through some of his worst times before he landed this job. When his smile faded and he grew quiet, I knew he had more to tell me.
“What is it?”
He hesitated a beat before turning to me with a solemn expression I was too familiar with. “Kevin’s back.”
“Shit, why?”
“I don’t know yet. He came into the restaurant looking for me. Janet told me yesterday when I got in.”
“And he hasn’t called you?” Nathan’s foster brother was the main reason Nathan’s life took a bad turn down loser highway. And since Kevin had been gone for the past two years, Nathan had kept his life together…for the most part, anyway.
“No.” He rubbed his chin and eyed me with concern. “Did you hear from him?”
“What?” I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked at the question. My heart did double time, and I hadn’t even done anything wrong. “No, I would have told you.” His thoughtful expression shot me into defensive mode before he could respond. “Nathan, I swear to you I haven’t heard from him since he left. I know he’s bad news for both of us.”
A labored breath expelled from his lungs. “I’m sorry. Come here.” He pulled me to his chest, softened his hand over the back of my head, down my hair. “I just got nervous. I believe you.” Two strong hands took hold of my arms and pushed me back so we were face-to-face. “You know that, right? I trust you.”
“I know.” I nodded without taking my eyes off him, thankful my past didn’t sway Nathan’s faith in me. For one brief moment, I let Kevin suck me into his world as he dragged Nathan and me to the bottom with him. He was charming and confident, but also manipulative and a disease. We were both better without him in our lives.
“Good. You have to stay strong when it comes to him.”
“Um…same goes for you, you know.” I was as worried about Nathan as he was about me.
“Don’t worry. Brother or not, I won’t let him come between us again.”
It was so like Nathan to take the blame, to take the responsibility when I had a hand in that disaster as well. He got a raw deal ending up in that family, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that he turned out as amazing as he did.
A second later, we dropped the subject like it hadn’t even existed. Once we finished packing everything Alice had pointed out, we each carried a box up to the sale. Daniel followed Nathan back down for the rest. I cringed at the thought of those two alone even for a few minutes. I’d decided to keep the dress, and after showing Alyssa, I walked it over to the car.
Finally, we were all settled at the top of the driveway, sitting in beach chairs, eating apple cinnamon muffins that Nathan baked, and drinking coffee. We took turns helping customers with Rita jumping up most of the time. Each time I stole a glance in Daniel’s direction, he seemed to be looking my way, too. Sometimes he’d dart his eyes away, and other times we stared at each other like we were doing the tango in our minds. When Nathan had to leave for work, I stood to hug him, going overboard with the soldier’s wife goodbye. He whispered into my ear, “Mission Accomplished. Dr. Feel Good is staring at your ass.”
I laughed and released him, catching Daniel watching us. He looked at his phone and then over at Rita. “I should probably get going soon as well.”
“Oh my God!” Alyssa bounced up from her chair facing the front door.
“Baby, no,” Rita said, heading over to Jessie who appeared like a ghost in the doorway. A pink camo bandana wrapped around her head, and an oxygen mask covered her face. It sounded like she said, “I wanted to see, Mommy.”
My heart broke seeing her so thin and frail, speaking the words of a child, yet living through a tragic illness.
“What should I do?” Alyssa asked me, like I had any idea.
“Hang tight a minute, babe.”
Daniel scooted to the end of his seat, looking torn.
“Poor girl,” I said to no one. “She just wants to be a part of this.”
“It’s not good for her to be out here.” Daniel’s voice carried a stern, disapproving tone.
“Sometimes people want things even if they’re not good for them.” I raised my eyebrows at him and sat back in my chair, crossing my legs.
He stood and took one step in my direction, then faced toward Rita and Jessie who were still talking in intense hushed tones. “Sometimes people aren’t capable of making those decisions themselves.”
I bit my tongue and pursed my lips to avoid lashing out at him. But, I wouldn’t forget his insinuation.
Daniel glanced back, noting my expression and silence. “She’s immature and not thinking clearly.”
His clarification didn’t change what had already been obvious to me. My head heated with anger at letting him see I’d been bothered by it. More than that, an aching disappointment threatened in my chest at how Daniel saw, and might always, see me. I took a cleansing breath, pushing it from my mind, focusing on the girls. “She’s young, but she’s also hurting and not in the right frame of mind.” I turned my attention to an anxious Alyssa. “Why don’t you stand at the end of the porch there and talk to her.” She regarded me with hesitation, so I smiled and then nodded, encouraging her along. “Tell her she’s not missing anything here. It’s a succession of boring grown-ups perusing a crapload of crap.”
“Freakin’ right.” Alyssa yanked up her skinny jeans and shuffled closer to the door where the two had stopped talking and looked her way.
“And once she’s better, I’ll take you two shopping or something,” I whispered behind her back.
“You skinny twit!” Alyssa threw exaggerated hands on her narrow hips.
“Alyssa!” Jessie waved from behind the screen door, unfazed by Alyssa’s tone. Her mother moved wearily to the side.
“Did you get my text?”
“Yeah, but I wanted to come say hi and help. Besides, I feel great.”
Rita folded her arms and walked over to Daniel who hadn’t moved. She sent an order over her shoulder as she approached. “I’d better not hear that door open, young lady.”
Jessie’s mask covered it, but the wobble of her head hinted she was making a face behind her mother’s back. Alyssa giggled like a slumber party attendee then quickly snapped back to her role. “Look, chick. I haven’t done shit fun since you went in the hospital, so you better take care of yourself.” Alyssa’s head snapped to Rita’s disapproving sigh for the language slip. “Sorry.” Alyssa shrugged and continued. “You need to get some rest, because Gray’s going to take us to the mall to get some hot clothes soon.”
“I’m sick of resting.”
Alyssa turned to the adults for more encouragement and then focused back on Jessie. “You know, you’re pretty much my only friend…and if you don’t want me to end up as o
ne of those eternal cat ladies, you’ll get your skinny little a…I mean, butt back to bed.”
Jessie raised her hands, bringing them together against her chest to form the shape of a heart. “All right, you nagging shrew. Jeez, you’re as bad as my mother. I’m going to text you from my room. Peace out, everyone.” Her form faded back from the doorway, then instantly reappeared. “Hey, everyone, out there!” Her voice shrieked through the screen. “Thanks for buying this crap to save sick bitches like me!” A giggling teen mess ran from the door like the picture of health. Alyssa and I cringed and avoided Rita’s glare, knowing she’d blame us for influencing the spunky new behavior of her daughter. I happened to believe that life or death situations could bring out the daring in anyone. My spirit leapt for the connection those two girls discovered and the inspiration that kept Jessie fighting. As a wide bright smile spread across my face, I glanced to Daniel who watched me, mirroring the same to me.
CHAPTER 17
--------------------------
For the first time, Daniel sat across from me with a laptop resting on his knees. I’d found him that way when I opened the door three minutes ago. I’d sent him more journal entries, hoping to keep our live discussions to a minimum after what happened last weekend at the sale, but now a new wave of awkwardness poured over me. I wasn’t expecting he’d be digging through my brain, analyzing my soul, right in front of me. Maybe I’d caught a break, and he was watching porn.
“No notepad today?” My eyes skirted around the room, hoping it could be my chance to take a peek at it.
“I apologize for this. There’s coffee there if you like.” He head gestured to a small table next to his desk without making eye contact with me. His tone left nothing for me to read, as if he erased what happened between us.
“I’m good, thanks.” My nerves couldn’t take an additional jolt. “I’ve got plenty to keep myself busy.” I strolled toward my escape window in time to view the orange glow of the sun lower behind the tall tower to our right. The reflection off the glass brightened a patch of green grass below. “Take your time.”
A few minutes later, his voice startled me. “Normally, I wouldn’t be so rude…” My mind had involuntarily played a loop of Daniel’s hungry gaze on my mouth. “…but I’d hoped to finish this last excerpt before we talked.”
I took a seat in the chair closest to Daniel rather than the couch across from him. A quick glimpse of my placement showed the uncertainty in his eyes.
“First, let me say that I appreciate you sending me these. I found it extremely enlightening what you chose to send this time.”
I tilted my head in confusion, unsure of what he was getting at.
“You’re concerned about my perception of your friend Nathan. Is that why you sent these?”
I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. I had emailed him three entries. Two were about my first encounters with Nathan. “I just wanted you to learn a bit about him…understand where he came from.”
“Growing up in foster care can be extremely tough to handle for any child, but it sounds like Nathan had it pretty tough.”
“It’s not like they beat him or anything. It was pretty damn clear they were in it for the money, though.”
“Was there anyone he could rely on?”
“Not really. Even his foster brother, Kevin, had been a lowlife. But, Nathan found a way to rise above all that.”
“You mean after he ended up in rehab?”
“His family is why he ended up there…but, yes.” Daniel hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true, but I still found myself feeling defensive.
“Then came AA, and that’s when you two met?”
I nodded and then went on to tell him how I joined halfway through college. My grandmother had a decent estate when she died, none of which went to my father. My portion, intended to help me pay for college, had done that in addition to assisting me in managing my anxieties through liquid medication.
“By the end of my sophomore year, I’d run out of money. Becca and Barb had agreed to use some of their inheritance to help me pay the rest. It was what Grandma would have wanted for me. It was on the condition that I get help.”
“Sounds like you’re in a similar position now.”
“Thanks for stating the obvious.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He closed the laptop and set it onto the table next to him. Then, he did something he’d never done during one of our sessions. He stood, wandering away as if he needed distance from me. “This might be a good time to have a sidebar.”
“Are the drinks free?”
His hands slipped into the pockets of his black slacks as he eyed the carpet at his feet. “I’d like you to take this seriously, Gray.”
“Then, look at me.” Slow and deliberate, his gaze turned up to mine. The shift in control felt oddly intoxicating. I scooted to the end of my seat, rested my elbows on my knees, and said, “If you’ve got something to say to me, just say it…but at least look me in the eye when you do it.” If I was going down, it would be with my head held high.
He took two strides in my direction. “Another shortcoming on my part. Gray, I’m going to be honest here, and say you’ve got me off my game. I’ve been unprofessional with some of my responses, and these sessions have become somewhat unconventional to say the least.”
Stunned into silence by not only his bravado but also his complete lack of acknowledgement of the bigger picture, I stared at him, mouth agape. Then, boldly I stood and faced him. His eyes, dark with anticipation, met mine. “Seriously?” My heart thudded erratically as I moved in closer. “I don’t give a damn about your responses, Daniel. You can say whatever you want to say to me. I’m just trying to get through this.” One more step had us toe-to-toe, leaving me looking up to stay connected. “But, what you failed to acknowledge here…what you seemed to be forgetting…or you’re afraid to say it out loud is how when you touched my body, your heart pounded so hard through your chest I felt it against my back.”
Daniel averted my eyes, looking beyond me to the window. “Gray…don’t do this.”
His body swayed, about to move back, but I caught his arm. “No…you started this. Are you denying you felt something? Are you denying what your eyes told me right before you were about to kiss me?”
“I didn’t…I stopped it. It was wrong. This is wrong.” He broke away then and went toward his desk.
“That’s not what I asked you? What’s the matter? You can’t handle the open and honest rule?”
“That is in place for you. These sessions are not supposed to be about me.” Drawers opened and closed, files shuffled around. “This has gone too far already.”
“What are you looking for?” Panic rose in my chest. I’d pushed him too far. “What are you doing?” I trudged to the desk, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I couldn’t take another loss, especially not like this. My words hadn’t fazed him, and he pulled a stack of folders from a drawer. My hand caught his wrist, causing a file to slip from his hand. I recognized the pad sticking out of the top. When I reached for it, he stopped me with his other hand, a cocktail of fear and anger lit his face.
“Don’t…please.” He snatched it away and quickly shoved it into his drawer. There was no time to process Daniel’s sentinel over that file and notepad, because now he scrolled through contacts on his phone. “I’m sorry, Gray. I truly thought I could help you.”
When he reached for a pad and pencil, my face flushed white-hot. “You selfish ass. Do you realize how bad this will be for me if you try to dump me on someone else now?” I turned my back on him when tears threatened. Anger didn’t normally do that to me, but right then, I could have sucker punched him in the face. I blinked them away, not willing to give in. Screw him and screw Evyn for putting me in this impossible situation. “You know what? Don’t bother. I’m not doing this again. I don’t need you or your contacts.”
Shaky legs raced me to the chair where my purse sat on the floor. Knowing it would be d
ark outside, I knelt and rummaged through to grab hold of my keys…or stall for time. In my heart, I wasn’t ready to give up. The walk down the hall before each session no longer flooded me with trepidation. Instead, there was hope. Where once I’d scoffed at this process, I now felt optimistic. I couldn’t untangle my attraction for Daniel from this whole scenario, but the point was I was trying for once.
My fingers connected with the rattling mess of metal. I yanked it out, standing clumsily in the process. I faced the menacing door that led to another downfall. Then, I slung my purse over my shoulder with deliberation and headed straight toward it.
“Wait.” His voice stopped me before I grabbed the handle. I spun to see Daniel frozen and leaning on his fists on the top of the desk. Seeing his head down, obviously trying to make sense of this and figure out what to do, I waited. His body straightened in an instant, and he sighed heavily as he regarded me. The pained expression on his face was too much. In that moment, I understood what was most important. What was right.
“You don’t have to say anything, Daniel. It’s not your fault.” I peered down at the keys in my hand, knowing I’d been the selfish one. “You tried. This is my problem.”
I reached for the door handle and pulled it open, ready to come to terms with it.
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
My body stayed in place, but my head turned to him, thinking I might have imagined him speaking. “What did you say?”
He came from behind the desk. “You’re wrong…it’s not only your problem. It’s mine, too. I reacted poorly to the situation. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go.”
It took a bit of strength to find my voice, to express what I thought and felt in a situation I was inexperienced to deal with. My strengths in verbal communication presented themselves better during conflict. “You don’t have to apologize.” He stopped a few feet behind me, and I finally let loose my grip from the door handle. “You also don’t have to keep me on out of pity. It’s not what I want.”
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