His arms slipped around my waist as his head landed in the crook of my neck. Within seconds, his body shook against mine, his jagged breaths blew into my hair. I stroked the back of his head when his hold on me tightened. “I promised myself I’d always be there for her.”
“You were, Daniel,” I whispered. “You were everything to her.”
I’d have held him like that all night if he needed it, but a few minutes later, his breathing evened out and he let go of me. We moved to the couch, the very spot I’d shared with Daniel about losing Noah. He showed me pictures of Jessie and told me stories about her. Hours later, we were still on the sofa, the food forgotten, relaxed into the corner, me leaning into him with my head on his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered as his fingers brushed down strands of my hair. “For being here…and caring about me.
“I’d do anything for you, Daniel. I hope you know that. And I want you to know everything about me.”
“I know more than you think.”
“What do you mean?”
His hand went from my hair to my arm. “I just…see you. We’ve talked for hours, you’ve told me things admittedly, I’ve drawn other things out. Even beyond all that, I see you, Gray. Who you are deep down.”
I smiled, but didn’t speak, reeling from the jump-start he’d given my heart.
“Gray?”
“Yeah?”
“What are you thinking?”
I swallowed and took in enough air to give me courage. “I saw the sketches, Daniel.”
CHAPTER 29
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“What?”
As nervous as that one word made me feel, I didn’t regret telling him the truth. “I’m sorry. I saw the sketches the last time I was here, when I was in your office.”
The hand that had been delivering tantalizing caresses to my skin froze in place. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, beyond the obvious invasion of privacy.” His tone sounded more perplexed than angry.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know that I saw them.”
“Should I apologize? I’ve never done that with a patient before if that’s what you’re wondering. And I wasn’t lying to you when you questioned me about what I was doing.” He sat up taller and turned my shoulders, so he could look at me. “Writing notes about you became…insufficient somehow, and one day I looked at you, and something in me took over. I found myself sketching instead of writing. It was still my way of learning who you are. But…it was also my way of getting close to you the only way I could.” He looked away before saying, “What you must think of me.”
I reached up and smoothed my hand against his cheek, enjoying the rugged edge of his five o’clock shadow and drawing his attention back to me. “What I think of you, is that how you see me is absolutely beautiful. Those sketches are beautiful. They make me feel…the way I feel when you look into my eyes…the way you are right now.”
Those midnight blue irises along with the way his chest rose and fell mesmerized me. “Everything about you is beautiful, Gray.” The frantic pounding of my heart had to be apparent to him. His head dipped forward, catching my mouth as my breath hitched. His lips pressed into mine, carrying every emotion on their surface that I felt running through me for months. The first moments of that kiss satisfied a deep and longing hunger, but awakened a sleeping giant of need. I parted my lips with a tiny gasp, calling for his tongue, which came with equal eagerness. His mouth tasted of warm sweet bourbon. I clawed my way up higher on his chest, coveting to be closer to him as our mouths met again and again.
The blissful intoxication of merely kissing came to a screeching halt when Daniel nudged me back and scooted out from under me. He stood, placing one hand on his hip and running the other along the back of his neck, staring down on me. He waited until his labored breathing subsided. “Christ, Gray. What are we doing? What am I doing?”
I righted myself and scooted to the edge of the couch, resisting the urge to release a snide reply. “We’re doing what we’ve both wanted.”
He turned to pace, but stopped short and pivoted back to me. “And that makes it okay? Dammit! How can I ever be okay with this? How can I ever be sure…” His bellow lost its power when he saw the hurt in my eyes. I stood in front of him, and his hands went immediately up my neck and to my cheeks. “I’m not saying that to hurt you, Gray. If I didn’t care for you, this wouldn’t be so fucking impossible.”
“Impossible?” I said softly. “You said you knew me…” I grabbed hold of one of his hands. “…and that means you know that this…” I placed his palm over my heart. “…is because of you. Don’t you understand that my heart feels dead when I’m not around you? And the second I get near you, this is what happens.” The harsh beating under our hands would either be my savior, or it could end up being my undoing. “That’s all that matters.” Never taking my eyes from Daniel’s, I slid his hand from my heart down through my blouse and over my breast. My lids fell, and my pulse raced when his hand reacted and closed around me. Daniel let out a low, breathy moan. His other hand pulled my shirt open more, and he leaned in to kiss my collarbone above his hand. His lips slid from there up to my neck. When his arm slipped around my waist, I arched my back as he pulled me closer.
“Gray…please. I need you so much right now, but you have to tell me again that this is right. I don’t trust myself.” I cradled his head as he lowered it and spoke softly into my neck. “I’ve denied myself of this all-consuming attraction and need for so long, that I can’t see clearly now.” Before I could answer, he took one of my legs and draped it around his hip. His lips touched their way up my neck to behind my ear, setting a fire to burn through my system, heading south. His hand went under my other thigh, and I raised my leg as he lifted me.
“This is right, Daniel,” I said as I wrapped my legs around his waist. “We’ve both known it, and now, we are making it real.” Then, I took control of his mouth and convinced him further.
He walked with ease carrying me, my body wrapped around his frame. The light faded as we entered another room. Immediately, my back pressed against the wall, Daniel’s hips grinding into me as we stayed connected in a penetrating kiss. Electricity strummed through my veins creating a sense of urgency. We whirled from the wall and landed on the soft covering of his bed. The sheer intoxication created from the weight of Daniel’s body pressing me into the bed lasted only a short time. He lifted himself, standing over me to remove his shirt. I sat up and ran my hands up his chest to confirm the exquisite reality before me. When I’d slept with Nathan, I always felt like I was running from something, but now, here with Daniel, it was like I was running to something.
He knelt down in front of me, his face inches from mine, his eyes seeking one last confirmation before his lips brushed mine in a slow teasing dance. The buttons of my shirt opened one by one. My legs separated to allow him in closer. My breath caught when the clasp of my bra freed and slipped off. A moan escaped me when warm hands and lips trailed my naked torso. “Gray…you’re so beautiful…I thought I would only dream of you like this,” he whispered. A building ache drove my movements. My hands reached to unbuckle Daniel’s belt. Heat seeped from his skin as I slid my palms around the back of his waist and guided his pants lower.
“I never wanted anything more,” I said breathlessly.
With every piece of material discarded and out of our way, Daniel glided his firm frame over my beckoning form. The powerful and surreal skin on skin connection so overwhelmed me that my head felt high, drunk on the emotion of finally being with this man I’d craved for so long. Our bodies worked together in a slow erotic dance that seared us into one being and opened my eyes to the amazing reality of connecting so deeply with another person.
A soft sigh poured from me as I registered the loss of Daniel pulling back. He leaned on one elbow and his gaze traveled slowly, dilated and dark, down my body and back to my face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
; “I spent so much time looking at you, examining you, memorizing and drawing every inch of your face…” A finger traced the line of my lips. “…but looking at you now, like this…you’re so amazing.” His head lowered to my breast, his mouth delivering hot breathy kisses as his hand slipped under me, pressing me up into his hard length. I grabbed the back of his head, and I arched up, led by a thrumming ache that called for relief.
“You’re the one who’s amazing, Daniel. I’ve known it from the very start.”
A strong hand squeezed and then stroked my inner thigh before guiding it outward. “I can’t wait another minute to have you, Gray.”
The heady tone of his voice, feeling him rigid and throbbing against me, intensified my own unwavering lust. “God, yes, Daniel. Please…”
The short time it took for him to affix a condom was agonizingly long. When he returned to me, my head tilted back, and my lids fell closed. He executed a slow gentle push halfway inside me. The stretch was exquisite, the movement welcome and divine. He pulled out, back in farther and out again. “Gray?” he said through a breath. I opened my eyes to a grin forming above me. “Yes, that’s better,” he said. And then he moved back inside me, pressing as far as he could.
Moans of pleasure dissolved in my gasps with his constant yet slow rhythm. He captured my mouth in a kiss, tender at first, and then hungry. I wrapped my legs around him, urging him to take me faster, harder. He immediately responded with an increased intensity, every second climbing me closer to my peak. “Ah! Christ, Gray.” Daniel reared his head back as he drove in with a thundering force. And again and again until he released a satisfied growl and tucked his head into me, his pants filling my ear with hot breath and sending my world spiraling. I gripped his shoulders as my own release kicked in and rocked me to my core before I cried out. I groaned a version of his name as he continued moving, ensuring he took me all the way.
Stillness enveloped our bodies then as we breathed into each other. The first to make any movement, I ran my hand up and down the sheen on his slick back. I had no idea what Daniel was thinking, but a tendril of anxiety crept into my afterglow. We both stayed quiet, even when he rolled to his back, taking me along to nestle against his side with my head on his shoulder. The unbroken silence continued to linger above us, like a captor, neither of us daring to speak. Not a single regret traversed my mind, but I feared Daniel didn’t possess the same security and the longer he waited to speak, the more that fear strengthened. As if reading my mind, Daniel’s arm drew me in closer. He pressed his lips to the top of my head. Then, he ran his thumb along my bare back. The smooth, feathery trail lulled me into a dreamlike state where Daniel and I were the only ones who existed. I let my lids fall closed, hoping to delve deeper into the essence of that world. But, reality had a way of making its presence known. My selfishness gave way to thoughts of Daniel’s loss. God…what if I’ve made things worse for him? Wetness formed at the corner of my eye and trickled down my hairline. I didn’t know how I’d be able to handle causing him more pain. As hard as I fought to be with him, suddenly I wasn’t good enough.
“Gray?” Daniel whispered.
I let his words hang in the air. Something in his tone told me it wasn’t the man who’d just made love to me, but the ever-present Dr. Harrison seeking the status of my current mental state.
“Are you all right?” he said a bit louder this time.
I took the hand that rested against his stomach and interlaced our fingers. We were in this together whether he’d realized it or not. “I’m fine.”
CHAPTER 30
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Hot air along my forearm stirred me slowly awake. A cool wetness on my skin prompted my eyes to pop open. Granger’s nose greeted me right before his tongue shot out and licked my elbow several times. I rubbed his head and whispered a hello. Then, I went from my side to my back, reaching for Daniel. Greeted by the cold sheets, disappointment quickly flooded in. I glanced to the open door. The smell of coffee floated under my nose, eliciting a smile of relief. Of course.
I sat up in bed and surveyed the room in the new light, something I hadn’t had the opportunity of doing last night—a modest environment with a hint of lonely bachelor, accented by two touching sketches framed on the wall near the window. One a scenic view of a vineyard, the other a profile of a woman sitting in a chair looking over the valley. I momentarily pondered who else had been so meaningful to Daniel to capture his attention that way. The same way I had.
My clothes found their way to a tidy pile on a nearby chair. Draped across the edge of the bed were a pair of sweats and a San Francisco Giants T-shirt. I reached over and pulled them into my lap. I lifted the shirt to my face and inhaled. The masculine scent brought me back to last night, when I’d had my fingers threaded through his hair, and his head lay embedded in the crook of my neck. Warmth shot through me as the image continued to play to the satisfying end.
A muffled voice that sounded like it was coming from the window broke through my fantasy. I threw Daniel’s shirt over my head and padded over. Looking out to the backyard, I could see half of him, sitting on a patio chair, talking on the phone. My mind buzzed with a flurry of scenarios that had Daniel out of bed with me and on the phone. I turned at hearing a whimper. Granger eyed me and then came to my side. Was he trying to tell me something? “I know…insecure and paranoid.” His wagging tail smacked against my bare thigh, reminding me I needed to finish getting dressed, and that he probably wanted to go outside. I slipped into Daniel’s sweats, assuming that’s why he’d left them and followed Granger all the way to the back patio door.
Daniel hadn’t moved from his spot at the patio table and was still on the phone. Since I wasn’t sure if Granger was allowed out, I cracked the door an inch or two. The click caused Daniel to turn my way, a small grin forming as he nodded and gestured to open the door. Granger took off toward the back fence when the door was wide enough for him to fit.
“Okay…I know…can we talk later? I’ve gotta go.” He held up a finger and then lowered his hand to rest on a stack of papers and files. “Love you, too. Bye.”
I followed the phone from his other hand down to the papers in front of him, my stomach reflecting what I denied my brain.
“Good morning,” he said.
I’d heard him speak, along with the creak of him shifting back against the chair, but I couldn’t pull my focus from the table.
“Gray?”
“Sorry.” I performed a tiny, silly head shake. “Good morning. Guess I’m a little slow to start.”
“Would you like some coffee?”
He moved to get up, but I waved him off. I briefly noted the warmth of the sun falling against the back of my neck. “No…thank you. I’ll get some in a minute.” The formality of it all was so awkward and as if last night never happened. Obviously, I didn’t expect roses and a serenade, but I’d hope for some lingering sparks from him.
He glanced to his phone and back to me. “That was Rita…about the service.”
I nodded slowly.
“You and Alyssa are coming, right?”
“Of course. How’s Rita doing?”
He sighed and folded his arms. “She’s handling it the way she does everything else in life. She pushes all her feelings aside to make sure everyone else is okay.” He allowed himself a smile while thinking of his sister. “She’s called me a few times every day. Keeping busy with details.”
“She’s a very special lady. Alyssa really likes her.”
“I just don’t know how she will handle it when Elliot has to go back. They’ve given him two weeks, though.”
The mechanical conversation ticked in my head like a bomb ready to explode. I popped up from the chair. “I think I will get that coffee after all.”
A hand caught my arm as I passed. “Gray, wait.” His words settled in the pit of my stomach. “We need to talk about last night.”
God, here we go. I closed my eyes and sighed. “Of course, we do,”
I said, already defeated.
“Please…I think it’s important. Don’t you?”
I tossed a quick glance around us. “I don’t see a couch out here. Should we go to your office, so I can lie down?”
“I’m serious. Please, sit with me for a few minutes.”
I backed away, and my arms slipped from his grasp. “Fine,” I said as I took my seat again.
“Last night was…”
His timely pause balanced on the line of my sanity. “Wonderful.” I let my lips curl up slightly, yet I remained cautious.
“Yes.” He nodded with a similar smile of his own. “It was incredible. You’re incredible.”
“Yet…as incredible as I am, I can still hear the word ‘but’ in your tone. A neon sign would be less subtle.”
“Gray…I wish you could know how you made me feel—”
“Then just tell me,” I cut in, my tone clipped.
“I needed you last night. I didn’t need someone, I needed you.”
“We needed each other.”
He sucked in a breath of courage. “I’d denied my feelings for so long. And last night I was in agony. I was drinking. I wanted you so badly, and I was so goddamn selfish. I gave you every opportunity to stop it, but what I should have done was stop it myself.” His repentant eyes tore from my increasingly crushed expression.
“I’m so sick of you treating me with kid gloves. Did you think I was going to wake up and think you fucked me cured?” Surprised, he pulled his attention back to me. “God, you have such little faith in me. I know this is a dicey situation, but I thought we’d be in it together.”
“I’m still in it with you. I’m still going to be here for you…”
Compulsive (Liar #1) Page 21