He hadn’t said a word during my admissions, only stared straight ahead until I turned to him each time. I still had more to say, but I sensed he was as overwhelmed as I was. We waited it out a bit longer as a lingering older man and woman stood near us taking pictures. Their large dog stretched the reach of his leash, trying to get to us, and we both smiled. He reminded me of Granger, and I wondered if I’d ever get the chance to tell Daniel about this day. So he could see my growth and strength. To give him peace of mind that he’d helped me reach this place.
When the couple walked off, Dad turned to me. “I know all this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, Gray. I’d like to be honest and say that some of it wasn’t news to me.”
His confession hadn’t shocked me too much; my mind immediately went to the source. “Becca?”
“She’s filled me in on a few things over the years. I hope you understand. I felt so shut out, and she was only telling me out of concern for you, so please don’t—”
I placed a hand on his arm as it rested across his knee. “It’s okay. I’m not angry. I had a feeling she was talking to you, but…I had no idea until recently you two were so close.”
His eyes squinted through a smile. “She’s changed a lot.”
“I know.”
“And we’re friends, Gray. She’s about the only family I’ve got…” His smile faded. He placed his other hand over mine, and his voice softened. “…The only family I felt I had.”
“I know…I’ve sort of felt the same way.” I waited for him to say that was my fault, for him to put that on me because I’d been the one who’d kept us apart.
“I think it’s time we changed that. Don’t you?”
“I do. We’re going to have to take this slow, though. I’m still working on some personal things…”
“I understand…and I’m happy to hear that. I just hope that you’ll let me help.”
“I appreciate that, but it’s really something I need to make right on my own. You are a part of that, but it’s mostly up to me.”
Something inside wouldn’t allow me to talk about the lying. It showed me I still had demons I wasn’t strong enough to face, but I could accept that for the time being. We also hadn’t talked specifically about Noah’s death. I’d mentally drained myself enough for one day, so I accepted it. In a way, Dad and I were strangers. We’d need to get to know each other all over again. To build a trust that facilitates a feeling of safety to open up fully.
We stayed a while longer—he filled me in on his job as a technical consultant for a pipeline engineer, and I told him about my current position, though I wasn’t sure if I’d stay—talking with quiet ease and watching the sunset.
I started the day in search of peace and solitude. Or so I thought. Ultimately, it wasn’t the peace that comes from being alone that I coveted. It was the peace gained from clearing your soul of the toxins weighing it down, keeping it from soaring, and opening it up to new emotions, experiences, people. I’d taken a huge step in that direction, and for that, I was thankful.
CHAPTER 32
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The shiny cherry wood casket displayed at the front of the church appeared much larger than I expected. Jessie had been on her way to becoming a petite young lady, but still, a child. Perhaps, in my mind, my expectation was connected to the memory of Noah’s final resting spot. I don’t recall everything about that unspeakable day. Grandma had clung to me as much as I’d clung to her, while my dad sat on the other side of her, wearing an expression that would become his existence. Similar to when my mother died, only a little more lost, a little more depressed, a little more empty.
My vision blurred as I fought back the tears thinking of Jessie’s family sitting two rows ahead of us. Daniel was slightly to my right with his profile in view. He hadn’t seen us slip in a few minutes before, but as I peered in his direction, his head turned my way. He seemed surprised at first, before he gave me a nod and a tight smile. His gaze lingered in my direction, neither of us willing to turn away. My chest constricted with want to be close to him. The muscles twitched in my hand with need to reach out and stroke his hair, even from this distance. The music that had been playing died down, pulling our eyes to the front where a member of the clergy approached the podium.
Alyssa grabbed my hand. Despite my own internal battle, I looked at her, hoping to give her some strength. In the car, she had resisted getting out just as she’d done that day at the hospital. I understood and felt for her, so I did the thing that made sense to me and told her about my brother. Shock more than anything played on her face. Somehow it gave her the will, or possibly the distraction, she needed. She’d been so brave when we walked into the church, even as her gaze traveled up to where the casket rested. But now, as the words about her friend filled the room, her eyes puddled with tears, and she squeezed my hand. I put my arm around her, looked ahead and saw Daniel do the same to Rita. Not an ounce of anger or bitterness filled my heart for him, knowing the pain he endured.
Later that afternoon, I took Alyssa to Rita’s house for the gathering, even though I had reservations about going for several reasons. She’d insisted, saying that not only would Jessie have wanted us both there, but also she had something to talk to Alyssa about.
Entering a house full of mostly strangers for the occasion of celebrating a life that had been cut short was more than intimidating for me. I couldn’t imagine what anxieties plagued Alyssa. We’d both made a beeline for a sofa that sat in the corner of the living room. People seemed to be scattered in every room. My eyes scanned the room for Daniel, but I’d only spotted Rita. We watched as family and friends offered condolences, provided hugs, and Rita remained pleasant and strong until the moment when she was alone with her husband and broke down.
“I feel weird being here,” Alyssa said, staring out to the kitchen.
“Me, too. But, we need to remember that today isn’t about us.”
“I know. Rita wanted us here. I feel good about that.”
“Do you know why she asked to talk to you?”
“No, but whatever it is, will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone here.”
“Of course.”
“Gray?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry about your brother.” Her eyes cast downward slowly and then back up. “I didn’t say that before.”
“It’s okay, babe,” I said, rubbing her knee. “Thank you.”
We sipped strawberry lemonade—Jessie’s favorite—while we looked at a photo collage displayed near the foyer. Every image featured a bright smiling angel of a face, lively, real. Even the few pictures of her during her treatment showed her in a positive light.
“This one reminds me of when we first met her,” I said, placing a hand over Alyssa’s shoulder.
“Yeah, she was such a raging bitch that day.”
“Alyssa!” I said in a strained whisper, checking behind me.
“What? She knew she was. We used to laugh about it. It was a temporary breakdown. Thanks to me, she bounced right back.”
Her smile of pride brought a welcome distraction to both of us. “You’re right. I remember Rita saying it had been out of character for Jessie.”
“Who could blame her? I’d have been a raging bitch, too, if I was the one overwhelmed by that fu—. I mean, freaking heartless illness.” This time she checked over her shoulder. “Sorry.”
“It’s unfair. I know. Especially for those left behind.”
“It just pisses me off,” she said.
“It pisses me off, too, Alyssa,” a gentle voice said behind us.
We turned to find Rita standing there, arms folded with a tissue sticking out from her fingers.
“Rita…I’m sorry.”
“Why? I agreed with you. I’m pissed every minute of every day.” She opened her arms and pulled Alyssa into a hug. “But at some point, we need to let that anger go and focus on how much we love Jessie.”
“She was a very
special girl,” I said.
Rita reached one arm out to me over Alyssa’s head. I complied with a quick hug.
“I want to show you both something.”
We followed her down the hall. Alyssa shot me a look when we stopped in front of a door that I assumed was Jessie’s bedroom. Rita opened the door to a soft setting in lavender and mint green, including a canopy bed, a dresser, and a beanbag chair. Consuming the two pieces of furniture and dotting the rest of the room were a myriad of colorful stuffed animals in various shapes and sizes. Not just a typical girl’s collection, but something that looked like a staging area for a Muppets movie.
“Wow,” Alyssa said, taking tentative steps into the room.
“What a beautiful room…and all these stuffed animals. Where did they come from?”
Alyssa stood facing the bed, then turned with a questioning look to Rita. “May I?”
Rita nodded, and Alyssa took a seat amongst the huge pile on the bed. She picked up a fluffy white sea lion and rubbed it against her cheek. “Oh my gosh.”
One of the things I most loved about Alyssa was how she could go from foul-mouthed teen to gushing little girl in two seconds flat.
“All these beautiful creatures started coming when Jessie went into the hospital, and they are still coming.”
“I remember she wanted to start that charity where people donated the stuffed animals, and she would take them to sick children, but…I didn’t think she had the chance to start it,” Alyssa said.
I wandered around the room, admiring the innocence of it all as Rita continued.
“She didn’t. When Jessie…”
Her pause made me turn in her direction. She grabbed a blue whale from the head of the bed and sat down next to Alyssa, working to stay composed. “When she was there, fighting for her life, I felt so helpless. I tried to think of how strong she’d been lately and what she would do. So, I went to her computer, finished the letter, and sent it to the PTA, a couple of community centers, and anyone else I could think of.”
“That’s incredible, Rita.” Alyssa put an arm around Rita’s shoulder. “Jessie would be really proud of you.”
“Thank you, Alyssa. Anyway, I thought …you’d like to help me distribute some of these to the children at the local hospitals.”
Alyssa’s head snapped in my direction, her eyes appeared to be asking my permission, which surprised me and made my heart warm at the same time. “I think that’s a great idea, don’t you?”
“Hell yeah. I mean, heck yeah. Thank you, Rita.”
“I know it’s what Jessie would have wanted if she were here.”
Alyssa popped up from the bed and scanned the room with delight. “Wow, there’s a ton of these. When do we start?”
Rita stood as well. “I’m glad you’re excited, but I’m going to need a little time. Don’t worry, though. I’ll be in touch.”
“I’m sure Rita needs to get back now,” I said, trying to assist her. “It’s a great idea and a wonderful way to honor your daughter.”
“Thank you. And you’re right. I should get back.”
Rita and I headed to the door while Alyssa stayed put, her excitement tempered. “Rita?”
“What, sweetheart?”
“Would it be okay if I stayed for a few minutes alone?”
“Of course. Take all the time you need.”
A sense of unease swept over me as Rita and I exited the room without Alyssa. She’d asked me to stay by her side, and now it was me who felt like I needed her. I’d planned to return to our spot on the couch to wait for her when Rita caught me.
“Gray? I’d like to show you something as well.”
She motioned for me to follow her away from the various gatherings of people and toward the back of the house. She stopped short of a doorway that led to what looked like a bonus room. In my view were a couch, a coffee table, and the edge of a floor to ceiling window. She pointed to an area I couldn’t see, so I leaned over to spot Daniel standing in front of the window. With his hands in his pockets and his feet spread slightly apart, he stared, unmoving. Did she think I should go to him? My heart broke into pieces with the pain and loneliness coming off him, not to mention the yearning to simply be near him.
Rita quietly moved farther down the hall and whispered, “He’s been like that since he got here. Hasn’t moved a muscle.”
Confused by what she wanted from me, I said, “He’s hurting, and it seems like he wants to be alone. I wish I could help, but…”
“You know what else? He spent half the night in front of that window when he was here the other day. He’s never done that before.”
Recollection hit me with the word window. Could Daniel not only be mourning the loss of Jessie, but also of me?
She continued over my thoughts. “I’m so worried about us drifting apart. Jessie brought him closer to my family, and now that she’s…I just don’t know what to do.” She touched my arm as if she knew I wasn’t paying close attention. “Am I overreacting? Should I be worried?”
“I think he’s dealing with more than we know, and he’s doing it the best way he can.” I attempted to maintain a comforting smile. “It’s sort of…peaceful, losing yourself in the universe. Maybe he feels like the enormity of the world out there eclipses his own problems, and eventually that will give him strength.”
“I really hope so.” She paused as if she had more to say. When nothing came, I turned toward exiting the hallway. “Gray? I don’t want to betray my brother’s trust, but I also feel like you should know that if he’s pushed you away, there’s a very good reason for that.”
My eyebrows pulled together as I narrowed my eyes on her, waiting for more information.
“I’ve probably said too much already. But…I’d appreciate it if you could give him some time, too. I hope one day he’ll tell you.”
Her statement filled me with equal parts of hope and fear and confused me about Daniel even more. I wouldn’t press her to betray Daniel, but her motives I could question. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why would you want me to get close to Daniel?”
“I heard a lot about you when the girls were together. Alyssa talked about you all the time. About how you’ve looked out for her, cared for her. One time she told Jessie you were like a mother to her. That means a lot to another mother.” Her voice was still low, but she glanced down the hall to make sure Daniel hadn’t come up behind us. “Not only that, but…I see how my brother looks at you. We’ve had a few talks, and though he’s not said anything specific, I got the feeling he was talking about you.”
“Thank you for telling me. So much of what you’ve both said is confusing to me. I want you to know I’d never hurt your brother. I care about Daniel very much.”
“I know you do.”
* * *
Daniel received some much needed time and space before I showed up at his office unannounced. He rose from his desk when I opened the door, surprise turning quickly to joy. His bright smile told me a few things I’d hoped to discover, causing my heart to pound a little faster.
“It’s good to see you, Gray.”
“Good to see you, too.”
Smiling like idiots was a new experience for us. We stood a few feet apart, reacquainting our eyes to each other. Both seemingly filling our minds with important details. Remembering…and anticipating.
“How have you been?” His gaze never left mine when he spoke.
“I’m doing well. How about you?” Before he could answer, I jumped back in, “I would have checked in with you sooner, but it seemed like you needed…well, I didn’t want to intrude.”
“No…don’t worry about that. I’m doing better, though. Thank you.”
His eyes piercing into mine felt familiar and intimate; the small talk was the opposite.
“Good…”
“Was there, uh, something I can do for you? I mean, is there a specific reason you came?”
“Actually, yes. I came to give you this back. I won’t be n
eeding it.” I pulled out the list he’d given me after our night together and handed it to him. My confident smile met with knitted brows and pleading eyes.
“Gray, please. I’d hoped you trusted my judgment on this. I’d like you to reconsider.”
“And I hope that someday you’ll trust me.”
I’m sure Dr. Wallace was not allowed to tell Daniel about her “unofficial” sessions with me via that convenient doctor’s office called the World Wide Web. I’d messaged her a couple of times asking about her mother, filling her in on what’s happened—except for my relationship with Daniel, of course—and asking for advice. It took some persistence on my part, but eventually, I molded the relationship into something workable. “We’re just a couple of ladies chatting,” I’d said to her each time. It was unconventional, and Daniel might not have approved, but it was exactly what I needed. Dr. Wallace wasn’t quite the hag I made her out to be. Across the web, I could handle her. She’d actually had some extremely relevant and helpful things to say.
“It’s not about trusting you, Gray. I’m trying to help you.” He looked toward the door for an instant and sighed. “I care about you.”
That should have made my heart leap, but the fear behind his words kept me grounded. Three small, slow steps positioned me directly in front of Daniel. It took everything in me to not beg him to be with me. Until Daniel was ready to open up to me fully, futile attempts were a waste of energy. I ran the back of my fingers down his cheek. “You have helped me, Daniel. And now, I’m going to help myself.” My hand slid to the back of his neck, and I reached up on my toes, kissing his cheek softly. My body melted into his when his arm took me around the waist and pulled me into an embrace.
“God, I’ve missed you, Gray.” The whisper floated out like a reflex and curled into my ear.
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