Take a Gamble

by Rachael Brownell

  Dad has always been too busy to ask if I was dating anyone and I am pretty good at keeping Mom in the dark if I want to. As far as they know, I’ve never dated anyone in my life. That could be why my mom was so persistent when it came to meeting Roe. She obviously knows there is something special about him.

  Dinner is pretty uneventful. I try to engage in the conversation, to act casual, but my heart isn’t in it. I excuse myself halfway through the meal. I make up a lame excuse about not feeling well. Roe immediately volunteers to drive me home.

  I make eye contact with my mom and see the recognition in her eyes. She knows. Without saying a word, she knows it’s more than me being nervous about dinner. A mother’s intuition, I guess.

  For a moment I think she might break down. Then, after nudging my dad and telling him to give Roe the keys, I see her strength surface. I call it her “brave face.” I don’t even think my dad noticed the shift in the room. He’s too busy talking to Mr. Gamble. He hands over the keys without even pausing his conversation.

  Roe waits until we are almost all the way back to our houses before he calls my bluff. I think, for a brief second, that I might be able to get inside and break down without having to explain what’s going on. I’m wrong.

  “So. Are you going to tell me what the hell is wrong with you?”

  The way he says it, like he knows it’s more than not feeling well, scares the shit out of me. How can he possibly know?

  I take a deep breath and then another. I don’t really want to tell him. Not yet, anyway. Whatever this is, it’s new and fun and exciting. This is going to change everything. He will see me in a completely different light and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that. I like the way he looks at me. I treasure it. I’m not willing to give it up.

  “Nothing. I just feel weird. I think maybe I’m coming down with something.” His eyes linger on me but I don’t turn to look at him. I stare out at the waves as they crash against the beach while he drives back towards the house.

  “I call bullshit. You might not want to tell me what’s going on but I can tell it’s something more than you not feeling well.”

  He doesn’t sound angry, more frustrated. Concerned.

  I don’t respond because I really don’t want to continue to lie to him. I want to tell him the truth but I don’t want anything to change and, no matter what he says, things will change. They always do when people find out.

  He punches the code in the gate and parks outside the front door. Without saying anything, I get out and head up the steps. I need to escape before he continues to ask questions and I start answering them honestly. I need a moment alone. I need to talk to Alexa.

  Locked. I let my head fall and I stare at the concrete between my feet. Roe has the keys to the front door and he knows it. I can’t get in without him. I have to go back and face him after my lame attempt to escape. It doesn’t matter. I’ll head home on Monday and, more than likely, I won’t be coming back.

  His hands land on my hips as he slowly turns me around. I can’t bring myself to look up at him. I know this is the end of everything that is just starting. If I look up at him, make eye contact, I’m afraid that he’ll be able to see it.

  His hand finds my chin and he slowly raises my eyes to his. I close my eyes to shut him out. I feel him moving closer to me. I hear his shoes scrape against the concrete landing. I can feel the heat radiating from his body.

  My heart is going crazy. I feel it crack a little bit more every time it beats. Then I feel his lips on mine and I inhale sharply. The tears I’ve been holding at bay since listening to that voicemail hours ago are now streaming down my face.

  Roe pulls back and caresses my cheeks, wiping away the tears which continue to fall. I try to get them under control but it’s useless. I need to cry at this point. I need to face my reality. That’s what it is after all. Reality.

  What I have with Roe, what we are beginning here, is all going to be a distant memory in a few days. I will cherish it for the rest of my life. I will always hold him close to my heart. I’ve fallen for him and if I thought things could work out differently then I would fight for him. I would fight for us. Right now, I only have enough in me to fight one battle and it can’t be this one.

  “Mac,” he whispers yet I hear him loud and clear. It’s a plea for me to tell him the truth.

  “I can’t talk about it yet.” It’s as close to the truth as possible. I could talk about it but not with him. I can’t tell him. I don’t know if I will ever be able to.

  “Please look at me.” I give in and find his brown eyes sparkling. “Whatever it is. Whatever you need. I’m here. I need for you to know that. I’m not going anywhere. Nothing can change the way I feel about you. Ever.”

  I want to smile at him. I wish it were true. I know he thinks that it can be, that he really means those words, but there is no possible way his words can be true. When he finds out what’s going on he will run, as far away as possible, and I can’t blame him. No one wants to deal with it. I don’t even want to deal with it. I have no choice, but he does and he will choose to run. No matter how strongly he thinks he feels about me.

  I don’t want this to end. This feeling. I want to hold onto him for as long as I can. I want to feel his love and I want him to feel mine. Even if I know it will all come to a screeching halt in a few days. I need for him to know how much I love him, to feel it.

  I do. That’s unreal. How did I let that happen? How did I fall so completely head over heels in love with him in a week? Is that even possible? It doesn’t matter. I love him and nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever erase the way I feel at this exact moment.

  “Roe. I want to be honest with you and tell you what’s going on, but I can’t. Not right now.” I take the keys from his hand and slip my fingers between his. I squeeze gently and tug him towards me as I pop up on my tiptoes to kiss him gently on the lips. “There is one thing you can do that will help erase the pain.”

  “Anything.”

  I turn and unlock the door. He follows without hesitation as I walk through the living room, only pausing long enough to grab a blanket off the back of the couch, and out the patio doors.

  I walk all the way to the edge of the ocean and stare, taking in the enormous beauty of it. Roe stands by my side, waiting for me to speak or show him what it is that I’m asking. I don’t know how to ask him for it and I’m not sure if I’m bold enough to show him what I want.

  “MacKenna.”

  He pulled out my full name? I must really have him worried. I don’t think he’s ever called me MacKenna. I need to change the mood, lighten it up a bit.

  “Monroe.” I try to sound playful. When I look over at him I realize attempt has failed miserably. He is heated.

  “Mac. I’m not playing this game with you. I need to know. I know what you want from me. You don’t have to ask me but I can’t give it to you unless you’re sure. That’s a big deal. I’m not even sure how that will make you feel better.”

  He’s breathing heavy and rambling on. I finally put my finger on his lips to silence him. This causes him to take a deep breath and I feel him let it out slowly.

  “You’re right. It is a big deal and that’s why I want it to be you. As far as making me feel better… I can’t really explain that to you. You are going to have to trust me on that.”

  His eyes are searching mine. For what? I’m not sure. He’s probably looking for doubt or uncertainty, but he’s not going to find any. This is what I want. I am certain of that. If nothing else, I want to experience this with Roe. It may be the only chance I will ever get and I want it to mean something. For both of us.

  He takes the blanket from my hands and walks us over to the shed where we first met. I can’t help but smile at the thought of that night.

  I watch as he lays the blanket down on the sand and sits before helping me sit. I take a seat next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I’m not sure how this is supposed to happen, how it gets sta
rted, but I’m pretty sure that Roe knows. I’m going to let him take the lead on this.

  “Mac. I want to tell you something before anything happens.”

  “Okay.”

  There’s a long silence. I can almost hear the wheels turning. For a moment, I think maybe he’s not going to say anything or that whatever he has to say is going to be bad. Then he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “My parents named me Monroe because I was supposed to be a girl. My name was going to be Marilyn Monroe Gamble. My mom was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan. I know it sounds stupid and I hate it.”

  “Roe. It is stupid,” I say, trying to contain my laugh.

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “I’m sorry but there is nothing to be ashamed about. So your mom is a little different. Big deal.”

  “It’s not that. My middle name is what sucks. I’m going to change it as soon as I turn eighteen. My middle name is Lynn. It’s like my mom didn’t give it up when they found out I was a boy.”

  I sit quietly for a minute. I don’t want him to think that I care one way or the other what his middle name is but it obviously matters to him. When I chance a glance in his direction he’s picking at his nails nervously.

  “Roe. There is something I want to tell you, too.”

  He makes eye contact with me and you can see the surprise. “Okay.”

  “I’m not sure why…well, I am but…well, I guess that I…” I break eye contact and pause to take a deep breath. Roe slides his fingers between mine and gently squeezes, giving me the strength I need. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  He didn’t even hesitate. I look up and his eyes are filled with love. I can’t even believe it. I knew we were both feeling something but I never imagined that it could be love this quickly. Maybe Alexa was right. All her overanalyzing was accurate. When you know, you know. Love knows no boundaries. There is no rhyme or reason to when or where or why you fall in love. When you do, you do. No one can make it happen it just happens.

  “Make love to me?” I meant to sound certain but it came out as a question.

  “After you tell me what’s going on. It’s not going to change the fact that I love you, Mac.”

  “No. It won’t change the way you feel but it might break your heart and right now, I want you to show me how much you love me. I need you to show me. Then, I will tell you. I promise.”

  I want to tell him. I want him to know everything, but I also know it will break his heart. He’ll look at me differently. He may still love me. He may still want to be with me. He won’t even notice that he’s treating me differently, but he will. I’ll become fragile to him and that’s the last thing I want. Especially right now.

  ROE

  I didn’t miss the look she shared with her mom at dinner. I didn’t miss the recognition. I didn’t miss the sorrow and the pain her mother was hiding behind her perfect façade. I didn’t miss any of it but I still don’t get it. I still don’t understand what the hell is going on.

  I thought maybe she would talk to me when I got her alone. That plan failed.

  Then I thought maybe she would be more willing to share if I shared with her so I told her my real name. I hate that story and I had planned on avoiding telling her as long as possible but I thought my story might work. Fail.

  As soon as she told me she loved me it was like I couldn’t get the words out fast enough to tell her the same. I do. I love her. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to show her for a few days now without coming across as a complete asshat. I knew if I slipped up and told her she might freak out. I never imagined she would be the one to say it first.

  Now, against my better judgment, I am going to go along with her “plan.” I understand what she’s asking me. I’m even a little excited about it. I know that it means something. To her. To me. To our relationship. I don’t know if I can do it conditionally.

  I want her to want to tell me what’s wrong. It has to be something big, something serious. Why else would she not want to share with me? She’s been an open book this past week. I was sure I knew everything about her.

  I’m done talking. I want to make her happy. I want to help relieve her pain. Whatever is causing her pain can disappear momentarily while I show her how much I love her. It’s not the best idea, not the smartest decision, but it’s what she wants and all I want to do is make her smile. All I want is for her to be happy.

  I gently kiss her as I lower us to the sand. I keep my hands on either side of her head to keep the majority of my weight off of her. Her hands roam over my body and I pull back for a moment to lift my shirt over my head.

  I take my time giving Mac the chance to change her mind. I slowly undress her and admire her naked body for much longer than I need to. I want her to remember this moment for the rest of her life. I want her first time to be special. Not because it’s her first time but because it’s with me.

  Sounds from the ocean of the waves crashing against the shore cover us in secrecy. I hear Mac breathing heavily, trying her best to be as quiet as possible. I hear my heart beating wildly. Then, without warning, I hear Mac scream out as her body clenches around me and forces me to let go.

  I drop to the sand beside her and pull her to me. She rests her head on my chest but doesn’t speak. For a moment I think that maybe she’s fallen asleep until I hear her sniffle. I feel her tears dripping onto my chest. Although I know there is nothing I can do, I run my hand up and down her back and kiss her on the top of her head hoping that at least she knows I care, that I’m not going anywhere. That’s what matters the most. She needs to know I’m not going anywhere. Not now and not after she tells me.

  “Stupid question but are you alright?”

  “No.”

  “Is it because of what just happened? Do you regret it?” I try to keep my panic from showing. I hope I didn’t screw this up.

  “No. It was…perfect. I want to say thank you but that doesn’t exactly seem appropriate.”

  I have to laugh. She’s so damn innocent and beautiful and perfect in every way and she doesn’t even realize it.

  “You are more than welcome, Mac. Anytime you would like a repeat performance, I will gladly audition for the part.” I lift her head to see fresh tears streaming down her cheeks but she’s also smiling at me. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Roe.”

  She pushes herself into a sitting position and starts to redress. I follow her lead. Once we are both fully clothed I pull her onto my lap and kiss her softly on the lips, then the eyes and finally on her nose.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s really going on now? It can always wait until tomorrow or the next day or whenever. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I know you’re not, but I am. I think I need to head back to Chicago for a while.”

  “I thought you were staying for the entire month?”

  She can’t leave me. Not yet. I’m not ready to give her up yet. I need more time. We need more time together. Maybe I can go with her?

  “I’m going to head back alone. I’m sure my parents will get everything set up and I’ll probably leave in a few days. I’ll be back. I just don’t know when.”

  “Can I come with you?”

  She thinks about it for a minute and then stands. I jump up quickly and follow her to the edge of the water. She dips her toes in and it reminds me of the first time I saw her. She looks even more beautiful tonight. Maybe it’s because I know her better now. Maybe it’s because she’s glowing from what just happened between us. Either way, she’s absolutely stunning.

  “I would love for you to come with me, Roe, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I will hopefully only be gone for a few days at most. I need to take care of a few things and then I’ll be back and hopefully we’ll have the rest of the month together.”

  “Hopefully? Why wouldn’t we? Why do you need to leave to begin with? I’m freaking out over here, Mac. I need for you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on, please.” I
’m begging and I don’t care. I need answers. All I have right now are more questions and I don’t understand what’s going on.

  “I have to go back, Roe. I’m sorry.” She pauses and when she turns to face me she’s silently crying even harder than she was before. I reach for her hand and pull her towards me into my arms. “I’m so sorry. I never thought this would happen. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

  “Shhh. You haven’t hurt me. What are you talking about?” I lift her chin so I can look her in the eyes. “Tell me, Mac.”

  She pulls away and peers out at the ocean again. Her body is shivering so I wrap myself around her from behind and pull her to me. I lace our fingers together over her stomach and kiss her temple. Something in her stance tells me she’s mentally preparing and my stomach drops. This is going to be much worse than I imagined. I almost tell her to forget it when she starts talking.

  “When I was 10 years old I got really sick. My parents took me to the doctor and it turned out that I had cancer. Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma to be exact. They freaked out, of course. I freaked out because I had no idea what that really meant. I immediately thought I was going to die.

  “Anyway, my parents took me to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what the next step was; how they were going to “save me” from the cancer. Finally, I told them to stop. I blew up at them in front of a doctor one day and they finally started to listen to the doctors. I finally got the treatment I needed.

  “I went through almost a year of chemo before I was deemed cancer-free. It was the worst year of my life. I lost all my hair. I could barely keep any food down. All I ever wanted to do was sleep. I felt like shit. The day the doctor told me I was cancer-free made it all worth it. I kicked the crap out of it. I won.”

  She pauses and takes a deep breath. The emotion in her voice makes her struggle apparent. I know what she’s going to say next and I’m devastated but I’m holding my head high and being strong for her. I can break down later.

  “Every year I go back and get x-rays to make sure there’s nothing abnormal growing inside of me. I had my last set of x-rays right before we left to come here. I got a call from the doctor’s office this afternoon that I need to come in and see the doctor.”