I wait a few beats before I say anything. I know she’s done but I want to compose myself before I say anything.
“It’s just an appointment, right? You don’t know anything is wrong. You just have to go in and talk with him.”
“This is the first time in six years that he’s asked me to come in and see him after my x-rays. Normally, I get a phone call saying all is clear. So, no, I don’t know that anything is wrong. Yet.”
Shit!
The way she says that word – yet – without emotion, scares me more than anything else she has told me. It’s almost as if she’s trying to distance herself from everything. From me.
I wasn’t about to let her do that. I’ve known from day one that this girl was the girl. Not because of something my crazy-ass grandma said to me. Not because I’ve fallen totally in love with her in less time than it takes to really get to know someone.
She is it for me because she is all that matters anymore. She is the only thing that makes me want to wake up. She’s the last thing I think about before I go to bed at night. She’s who I dream of. She is the girl that I am willing to gamble everything on.
MAC
We didn’t talk the rest of the night. We sat in the sand, wrapped around each other, enjoying what we knew could be the last hours we would spend together. About the time the sun started to rise I knew I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to let him go. I wasn’t afraid of him seeing me at my worst, if things were to get that bad again.
I wanted him to be by my side, as long as he was willing to be there. It’s not that I wanted him to see me in pain or to witness the insanity which surrounds someone who is going through chemo. I want him by my side. I know it’s selfish but it’s what I want and it won’t ever happen if I never ask.
“Roe,” I say as I nudge him in his side. We’ve both been sleeping on and off for the past few hours, neither of us willing to be the first to walk away.
“I’m awake.” I hear how tired he is. Maybe tired is not the right word to describe the sound I’m hearing. It’s more like defeat. The sun is starting to rise and he knows that soon we are going to have to part, at least for a few hours.
“I want you to come back to Chicago with me.” I know he hears me even though I’m whispering.
“When do we leave?”
He always surprises me in the most amazing ways. I expected him to hesitate and once again he surprised me by answering without even taking a breath. How did I get so incredibly lucky to have found someone like him, especially at such an important time in my life?
“Probably Monday. Do you think your parents will let you go?”
“I’m not going to give them an option. I have my own money and I turn eighteen in a few weeks anyway.”
“You do? When?”
“July fourth.”
“We’ll have to celebrate. That’s the last weekend we’re going to be he-” I let my voice fade away, realizing I’m making plans for a time when I have really no idea where I will be or what I will be doing.
“We’ll celebrate, Mac. Wherever we are,” he pauses while we watch the sun finally peek over the horizon. “Are your parents going to be okay with me going with you?”
I never even gave it much thought. I have seven months before I turn eighteen. They still make all the rules and decisions for me. I know that if I ask they could say no. More than likely they will. The thought alone makes me panic.
“My parents will freak out. I don’t think I should tell them.”
“Mac. You kind of have to tell them, don’t you? How are we going to get to the airport?”
I need a plan. How are we going to pull this off? When my brain starts firing on all cylinders it’s like I had slept for ten hours. I jump up and bounce around. Roe is by my side in an instant, trying to calm me down.
“What’s going on inside that big, beautiful brain of yours? I can see that something is happening up there. Probably a little too much for this early in the morning.”
“I’ve got it. You said you have your own money, right?”
“Yeah…”
“Can you buy your own ticket?” He only nods, obviously still confused as to where I’m headed with all of this, so I continue. “Can you tell your parents you are going back to California instead?”
“I could but they would figure it out in time when I never turn off the alarm at our house. Everything is linked in to their phones.”
“Is there someone who you can tell them you are going to see? Someone who will maybe cover for you?”
I see Roe mentally going through his list of friends who might be good options. He starts to pace back and forth, kicking up the sand every now and again. Then he stops suddenly and turns to face me with my favorite sexy-as-hell smirk on his face.
“Yeah. I can get someone to cover for me.”
“Okay. You do that, get your ticket for Tuesday or Wednesday and text me your flight info. I’ll get my ticket for Monday so I’m there already and I can pick you up at the airport.”
“When are we coming back?”
When is he coming back or when am I coming back? Those could be two completely different days. I don’t have the answer he wants so I shrug.
“When should I book my return flight for? I need to leave before you or the same day as you,” Roe says.
“I guess maybe Sunday night. I’ll probably have to stay a little longer,” I reply.
“Or not.”
“Chances are-”
“Chances are we are going to have a lot of fun while we are hanging out, alone, in your bedroom while I’m in Chicago. You know, you can tell a lot about a person from what their bedroom looks like. Who’s hanging on your wall?”
“Thanks for the heads up. Now I have to clean my room before you come barging in. And, there is no one hanging on my wall. I have a few black and white Ansel Adams prints and that’s about it.”
He takes a step towards me and then alone. Slowly he approaches; as much as I want to back away from him it’s like I’m in a trace and my feet won’t move. Before I can comprehend what’s about to happen, his hands are on my waist and he’s pulling me into his body. I feel exactly how turned on he is right now and if I wasn’t a little bit sore from last night, I would take him back behind the shed where our blanket is still lying in the sand.
“So you know, I could care less what your bedroom looks like. All I care about is the fact that I get to see it and I get to see you. Plus, think about all the trouble we can get in without parental supervision.” He does that eyebrow raising thing that guys do when they are trying to be funny and suggestive at the same time. I can’t help but roll my eyes at him and push him in the chest.
“The fact either of our parents could have come looking for us didn’t stop us from being horny teenagers last night. I can’t imagine we could get in all that much more trouble without supervision at all,” I remind him.
“Not more trouble. More like, trouble more often. If you’re interested that is.” His eyes have a sexy edge to them, telling me all I need to know about the kind of trouble waiting for us in Chicago.
“Maybe.”
“Just maybe?” he asks.
“Yeah. Just maybe,” I say.
“Care to wager on that?”
“I don’t gamble.” My voice doesn’t waver.
He laughs at me. A deep, rumbling laugh. “I don’t even know what to say to that. You’re the first girl who’s made me want to take a gamble on anything.”
“What’s so funny about that?” I think for a second when he doesn’t respond and then I start to laugh when it all clicks. It’s in that moment that I realize that if I was going to take a gamble on anyone it would be Roe.
Plans are made and put into motion. Before I realize what’s happening it’s already Tuesday morning and my parents are ready to take me to the airport. It took a lot of begging and pleading to be able to do this alone. My mom still isn’t a huge fan of the idea but she gave up fighting.
/> I see her side of it. If something major is wrong with me, and chances are there is something major wrong, then she won’t be there to discuss things with the doctor. I will have to handle things on my own. I will emotionally have to handle things on my own.
Yes. I get it. I do.
What they don’t know is that I won’t be alone. Roe left for the airport about an hour ago to go back home to visit his grandma. Apparently this is normal for him. When he told me he knew the perfect person to cover for him I wasn’t thinking he would call his grandma.
It doesn’t matter now. He will be waiting for me at the airport when I touch down. We agreed to meet at baggage claim to find each other. That works out really well since Alexa will be meeting me at baggage claim to pick me up and take me home. I wanted to tell her Roe would be there too, but I didn’t. That girl can’t keep a secret to save her life and I wasn’t going to have her spill the beans before we even got out of town. I will accept the consequences if we are caught. I at least want the option of getting caught, though.
My nerves explode the second the plane touches down at O’Hare. My mind is going a mile a minute. What if we can’t find each other? What if we really do get caught? What if something is really wrong with me? What if he decided he doesn’t love me after spending time alone with me?
The last one is the big one for me. I should be way more concerned with how sick I am. Right now, the only thing I’m concern with is finding Roe in the sea of people who are milling around the baggage claim. I scan the area once and don’t see him. I walk from one end to the other and I still don’t spot him.
The baggage carousel starts circling so I move in that direction. Maybe he will find me. Maybe all I have to do is stay put and grab my bag. I know he’s here. His plane touched down well before mine did.
“MacKenna!”
Alexa. I turn to see my best friend running at me, full speed, with a huge smile on her face. She’s going to knock me over. I can see it happening, I’m playing the scene over and over again in my mind. I plant my feet, ready to take all 120 pounds of her.
She wraps her arms around me and I’m about ready to topple over when strong hands grip my waist and hold me upright. I can’t help but smile. I knew he would find me. Now I need to detach Alexa from my neck. I pull her back and realize she has also noticed Roe.
“Alexa, this is Roe. Roe, my best friend Alexa.” I’m trying to sound nonchalant but I’m really nervous. I need the two of them to like each other, to get along. They are the two most important people in my life.
Roe reaches his hand towards Alexa as he wraps his free arm around my waist. “Nice to meet you.”
Alexa’s bottom lip drops open slightly and I can’t help the laugh that escapes. “Alexa! Close your mouth.”
She shakes her head like she’s clearing the fog and grabs hold of Roe’s hand, shaking it gently. “Nice to finally meet you, too.”
“Alright, now that everyone has met, let’s grab my bag and get the heck out of here.” I turn to head towards the carousel when I see my bag sitting at my feet and Roe grinning at me. He’s so freaking sexy. I almost melt into a puddle at his feet.
“Before we go anywhere, I have one question.” Leave it to Alexa to want to get it all out there. I motion for her to continue, knowing that Roe is in for a real treat. “First, does anyone know he’s here with you? You parents are going to freak, Mac. Not to mention, where is he supposed to be staying? With you? Alone? That’s going to send your mother straight to the grave.”
I can’t help but smile. I love my best friend. “No and yes. Let’s get out of here and I will explain everything. Okay?”
“Fine. Wait. Why are you ‘visiting’ me if you brought Roe with you? What’s really going on, Mac?”
Shit. As much as I love her I didn’t want to have to tell her the real reason I was coming back for a visit. I hoped she wouldn’t ask. I should have known better.
“I got a call from the doctor.” It was a whisper but she heard me. Her sharp intake of breath and her keys hitting the floor are the only form of confirmation I needed. I have officially stunned my best friend into silence.
ROE
Convincing my parents that I wanted to visit my grandma while Mac was visiting her friends at home was easy. Convincing my grandma to cover for me was even easier. I didn’t even have to tell her anything. She already knew.
“So, tell me about this girl.” That’s how she answered the phone when I called. She didn’t even say hello. It’s like she knew that I was calling to talk about Mac.
I told her everything I knew about Mac, except that she could be sick. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t bring myself to accept it and saying it out loud meant it might actually be real. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted it to be a mistake. I wanted her doctor to rerun the tests. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that I knew Mac must be living in right now.
She doesn’t look sick. She looks healthy. Her body is in great shape. I now know that first hand. Thinking about her body makes me want to explore it all over again, and again, and again.
Great. Now I’m standing in the middle of the Chicago airport with a hard-on. I need to think of something else. Anything else. Grandma. Yes. That’s perfect.
Grandma, and her crazy-ass ways, knew I was holding something back. I told her about our plan, the trip we wanted to take together and she told me she would cover for me before I asked her to. Gotta love grandma.
So, here I am, waiting for Mac to get off her plane. It should have landed a few minutes ago. I told her I would meet her by the baggage claim. I’ve been watching the board to see which carousel her stuff was going to be at. Instead of trying to find her in the mass of people who were surrounding me, I figured I would meet her at her bag.
The carousel starts up and her bag is the first one coming towards me. She warned me I wouldn’t want to be seen with it. It’s hot pink and has a pink hair tie attached to it. It’s a lot of pink and she’s right. I don’t really want to be seen with her bag, at least not without her close by so no one gets the wrong idea.
I snag it off the conveyor and start looking for her. I spot her only a few second later. I hear someone scream her name in a high pitched voice as I’m approaching her. Then, I see a stick thin girl running towards Mac at full speed. She’s going to knock her over if I don’t get over there quick.
I reach her just in time. I let her bag fall to the ground and grab on to her hips as she’s about to fall backwards. I make eye contact with the girl who’s attached herself to Mac. Her eyes travel the length of my body before Mac is able to detach her. This has to be Alexa.
Mac introduces us and as much as I would like to stay and chat in the middle of the airport, I would rather head to Mac’s house and spend some time alone with her. Her appointment is first thing tomorrow morning. Tonight might be our last chance to be together before things start to change.
I’m in this for the long haul. There is not a single doubt in my mind. I have a bad feeling, though, when it comes to Mac’s commitment to us. I have a bad feeling she might want to run from this, from us, if the doctor doesn’t have good news for her tomorrow. I have a feeling her way of coping is going to be to shut me out. I only have tonight to show her how much I love her and how much I’m willing to work for this. No matter how hard it’s about to get.
It takes us almost an hour to get out of the airport and arrive at Mac’s house. After Alexa got over the shock of Mac’s news things started to move much quicker. Apparently Alexa has gone through this with Mac before. She broke down right in the middle of baggage claim, sitting on the floor and crying for almost ten minutes.
The ride was silent and now that we are here the silence is deafening. Alexa hasn’t said a word to either of us since she composed herself and we followed her to her car. I sat in the front seat and watched as the miles flew by. Mac sat in back and had her nose in her phone the entire trip.
We shuffle into the house and I drop both of ou
r bags in the foyer. I don’t really know where else to put them. I don’t know where I should stand or sit or be at the moment. Things are tense or as my best friend Rylie would say, “Shit just got real.” Honestly, that’s how it feels suddenly. Being here makes it all a little more real.
“Roe. I’m going to talk to Alexa for a few minutes before she leaves. Make yourself at home,” Mac says before walking up the stairs and leaving me standing there, looking and feeling more lost than I ever have.
The living room is to my right and the kitchen looks to be up ahead. I wonder if her parents left any food in the house. I’m starving. It still amazes me that they don’t feed you on planes anymore yet the price of the flight is more expensive.
I rummage through the pantry and pull out some noodles and sauce to make spaghetti. Mac has to be hungry. I can’t imagine they fed her on her flight either. I’m looking for a pot to boil water when I hear the front door close. Alexa must have gone home.
I turn around and Mac’s leaning against the door frame, watching me with sad eyes. It looks like she’s been crying and I’m not surprised. From the few things she’s told me about Alexa I know how important she is to Mac. If Mac told her what she told me on the beach the other day, I can only image how devastated Alexa must be which means Mac is devastated, too.
“Come here, babe.” She slowly pushes off the door frame and walks towards me, shuffling her feet, and right into my waiting arms. I pull her in tight and kiss her on the top of her head. “She’ll be alright and so will you. Everything is going to be fine. You’ll see.”
I know I might have just lied to her but it looked like she needed to hear something positive. There really is no upside to all of this. I can’t promise her that she’s going to be fine. I can’t promise her that I can fix it for her. I can’t even promise her that she’s going to survive it again, if the cancer is back. The only thing I can promise her is to love her until the day I –
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