I hear Mac calling my name. She sounds far away. I hear a tapping sound and then Mac’s sweet voice again. I must be dreaming. I’ve dreamt about her before but this feels real. I feel like if I open my eyes I will be able to see her.
I open my eyes and it takes me a second to remember where I am. Alexa’s. I hear Mac tapping on the door again. Light is filtering in the room from the crack in the curtains. I glance over at the alarm clock on the night stand and it reads 10:14am. Damn! I slept later than I planned.
“Come in,” I say, my voice harsh from sleep.
I watch as she cracks the door open and peeks her head in. “Are you decent?”
“If you’re asking if I have clothes on then the answer is yes. If you’re asking if my mind is pure then I think you already know the answer to that.” I can’t help but grin at her. Every time I do she blushes and I see pink spreading across her cheeks right now.
“Well, breakfast was an hour ago. Get your ass up and get ready. I want to show you the town while I have the chance.” She’s avoiding eye contact.
“Alone?”
“No. Alexa is going to be our chaperone. My parents insist.”
Damn. I was hoping to get her alone today. This will have to do. We can still find a way to be alone if Alexa lets us. I have a feeling she won’t, but a guy can hope.
“Give me twenty minute to shower and get ready and I’ll meet you downstairs. Unless…” I let my voice trail off. Maybe I could convince her to come farther into the room and we could spend twenty minutes alone together. “Would you like to come in?”
“Yes I would, but I better not. Maybe later we could…”
I love this girl so much. She read my mind. Later we would definitely find a way to spend some “quality” time together.
“It’s a date then. You might want to close that door. That is, unless you want a preview.” The blush reappears on her cheeks but I can tell she’s thinking about it. I stand quickly and stick my thumbs into the waistband of my boxers.
I watch her eyes as they travel from my chest to my abs and then lower. I’m getting turned on from her gaze and my boxers do little to hide that fact. I should probably stop things right here. No use in getting either of us worked up when there is no chance I’ll be able to remedy the situation any time soon.
“Alright, pretty girl. Get out before I ravish you and get us both in more trouble than we are already in.”
She blows me a kiss and closes the door behind her. That is my undoing. She’s so damn adorable and innocent and perfect. I am in need of a long, cold shower now, thanks to that kiss and she didn’t even touch me.
Alexa and Mac give me the royal tour of Chicago. We spend the morning at Shedd Aquarium; what an amazing place. After having lunch at a downtown pizza place, we head to the John Hancock Observatory. The view is breathtaking. I’ve never seen anything like it.
Our last stop is Navy Pier. We’re headed there right now and the girls are pretty excited. I don’t understand why until we park and are almost to the entrance. It reminds me a lot of the Santa Monica Pier, only bigger and better.
We play a round of mini-golf and goof around in the Funhouse Maze for a while. I’m hungry again so we stop and grab a bite from a vendor. It reminds me of the first time Mac and I went on a date. I had such a good time that night and I’m having an even better time right now. Even with Alexa as a chaperone.
We watch the sunset over the lake and just before it’s completely down, I drag the girls over to the Ferris wheel for a spin. This might be my only chance to get Mac alone today because Alexa is terrified of heights. I’m a little scared of heights too, but more excited to be alone with Mac.
“Did you have fun today?” she asks, as the wheels starts to move.
I lace our fingers together with one hand and pull her mouth to mine with the other. I keep the kiss innocent and sweet even though I want more. Much, much more.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Mac says as she rests her forehead against mine. She’s staring into my eyes and I’m staring into hers. It’s like I’m in a trance. I can’t look away.
“Have I told you today how much I’m in love with you? How much I can’t imagine living without you?” I ask her.
Her body tenses up and her eyes close. I’ve upset her but I don’t know why. She’s never reacted this way before when I told her I love her. She has to know that I’m telling her the truth.
“Mac. Open your eyes and looks at me.” There’s a slight pause before her eyes slowly open and meet mine. She looks sad. “Tell me what’s wrong. What did I say?”
“Nothing. I love you too, Roe.”
I’m not buying it but she’s kissing me and I can’t do anything but kiss her back. Her hand goes to the nape of my neck and pulls me to her, kissing me deeply, passionately. I want her in my lap. I want her to wrap her legs around me. I begin to pull her towards me when I remember we are high up in the sky.
I hear a loud boom and jump slightly. Then I see the lights. The fireworks show is starting and we have prime seats from up here. Mac turns towards the show and stares, resting her head on my shoulder. I pull her close and watch with her, silently praying she’ll tell me what’s really wrong.
MAC
I try to brush it off but it’s hard. Really hard. His words are sweet and caring and passionate. I feel the exact same way about him. I love him with all my heart. Loving him is not the problem. It’s the fact that if I’m sick again I will break his heart.
I watch the fireworks as we go around the wheel two more times before we exit the ride. We find Alexa standing close to the exit, staring at the sky, enjoying the show from the ground. It’s not as spectacular as it was from up high. It’s not as magical.
Alexa talks the entire way home, asking Roe question after question about himself. I can tell after only a few minutes that he’s sick of talking about himself but Alexa doesn’t get the hint. Or she doesn’t care. Probably a little of both. I think about speaking up, putting the kibosh on her interrogation, but I don’t for more than one reason.
First, it’s allowing me to be alone with my thoughts. She’s Roe engaged in conversation therefore he’s not asking me what’s wrong. I know he can tell. I want to be honest with him, tell him what I’m really afraid of. I don’t have the words or the strength.
Her interrogation is also giving me time to be alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of Roe. Thoughts about my future. Thoughts about my visit to the doctor’s office. I have decision to make. I don’t know what the results of the tests are going to show but I do know one thing. If they say I’m sick, I’m going to have to let Roe go. I’m going to have to push him away to save him from the heartache of losing me down the road. If I’m sick again…
Everything will change. Will I even try to finish school? What about next year? Should I apply for college? It won’t matter if I’m not strong enough to fight this. I can’t predict the future and I can’t change the past. All I can focus on right now is the present and living my life as if each day is my last. Unfortunately, one of these days will probably be my last.
The next few days pass by in a blur of sightseeing and hanging out with Roe and Alexa. Roe’s flight leaves tonight and mine leaves tomorrow morning. He finally called his parents back yesterday. It doesn’t sound like he’s in as much trouble as I am. Maybe they’ve had time to process everything now. Maybe their anger has worn off and will kick back in as soon as they see him. I hope not.
I’m taking him to the airport later. Alone. This will be the first time we’ve been alone since shacking up with Alexa and her family. I know he has questions for me. I see his mind racing every time he looks at me. My fear is that he’s going to ask me a direct question about where we stand and I won’t be able to answer him.
I don’t know where we stand. I was ready to fight for him before we left on this trip. I was ready to fight for us. I thought nothing would be able to stop us from being together. Now, I feel like everything is working against us an
d I only have enough strength to fight one battle at a time. I have to fight the cancer.
“So, you’re plane leaves in the morning?”
“Yep. I should be back about noon and in solitary confinement by 12:15pm.” I frown at the thought of being back at the beach and being unable to see Roe. This week has been pretty great, even though our original plan blew up in our faces.
He’s silent for the rest of the ride to O’Hare. We left later than we planned so instead of parking and walking him in, I have to pull up to the drop-off. I will see him in less than twenty-four hours but this feels like goodbye.
I leave the car running and get out. I meet him on the sidewalk and he immediately pulls me into a hug. I’m crying the second I feel his arms wrap around me.
“I love you, Mac. More than you will ever understand.”
“I love you too.” It’s all I can say between sniffling and trying to catch my breath.
He tilts my chin up, such a Roe thing to do, and we make eye contact. I watch as he slowly closes his eyes and his lips gently touch mine. They are so soft and so loving and the way he moves his lips against mine – it’s like he’s making love to my mouth. I can’t help but follow his lead.
I forget we’re in pubic until I hear someone shout and another person whistle. I pull back and Roe’s sexy-as-hell grin is plastered on his face. He knew exactly what he was doing and I can’t help but smile at him as I feel my face turn beet red from embarrassment.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say, taking a step back.
“Until then.” He winks and blows me a kiss before grabbing his bag off the sidewalk and making his way into the airport.
I watch him go, knowing things are going to be different for us as soon as we’re both back at the beach. How could things not change? We’re both in trouble. I have no idea if I’m going to be able to see him again. I have to wonder how strict my parents are going to be with me for the next two weeks.
That’s all the time I have left with him. Two weeks.
I drive back to Alexa’s and pack my things. I call my parents and, since Roe is safely back in Myrtle Beach, I am allowed to stay in my own bed tonight. I couldn’t be happier. Until I realize the house needs to be picked up from our one-day adventure and my room still smells like him.
Roe.
He’s all I can think about as I look around my room. I pull the pillow he slept on to my nose and smile when I smell his scent. He left a pair of boxers on the floor of my room. I’m keeping them. His shirt from that night is hanging over the back of my desk chair. I’m keeping that, too.
I shower before jumping in bed, curling my body around Roe’s pillow. I thought about wearing his boxers and shirt to bed tonight. I want the scent to last long after he’s gone, after we part in two weeks, so instead I tucked them away. I’m saving them for later, when I need the scent of him to calm me.
All night long I’ve been thinking about what I plan to do once my time at the beach is over. I would love nothing more than to continue whatever this is with Roe but I can’t figure out how that can work. He’s going back to California and I’m coming back here. We both have a year left in school. I might be sick.
There is no good solution to my dilemma. There’s really no outcome that’s going to leave either of us anything but broken. I want to take a chance on him; ‘gamble’ on us, as Roe put it. I do, more than anything. I don’t believe I have it in me to fight for him and fight to stay alive.
My mind wanders from reality to fantasy and back, Roe starring in the show the entire time, until I fall asleep. Then, I dream of him, of a life we share. I dream of the future, knowing that it may all end up being a dream, no matter if Roe is there or not.
I wake up, startled by a weird noise coming from downstairs. I sit up and listen, trying to even out my breathing so I can hear better. I look over to my alarm clock and see it’s about to go off. I quickly turn it off and watch in horror as my bedroom door is pushed open.
I jump off my bed and run for my closet, screaming the entire way. Not my best idea. Not only did I give my hiding place away but my closet door doesn’t have a lock on it.
I hear laughing. Hysterical, high pitched laughing. I peek out the door and see Alexa doubled over, trying to catch her breath from laughing so hard. Go figure.
“That was not fucking funny, Alexa,” I say as I exit my closet with my head held high.
“That. Was. Oh. My. God,” she spits out each word between breaths and laughs. For the first time, at least since learning the reason I returned home, Alexa is almost speechless.
I give her a few minutes and as soon as her breathing returns to normal I can’t help but crack a smile. I know she didn’t intentionally try to scare me. She’s my ride to the airport this morning but she’s about an hour early to pick me up. I should have known it was her but my imagination got carried away.
“That was funny, Mac. You have to admit that I got you good and I didn’t even try.”
“I know. Why didn’t you holler for me? You know, give me a sign it was you and not some crazed person who broke in and wanted to kill me.”
“Oh my gosh. Seriously?” I’ve made her laugh again. “I told you yesterday I would be here early this morning. We were going to go out for breakfast before you left, remember?”
Shit. I remember now. I look down at myself, knowing I would feel much better if I took a shower but I don’t need one. I make a split second decision. “I forgot. Let me get ready really quick and then we can go.”
I really did want to spend some quality time with Alexa. She’s my best friend. I can tell her anything. I know she has a ton of questions now that Roe is gone and she can ask without him being around, and I’m prepared for that. I’m prepared to answer almost anything she asks.
As soon as we’re seated at the restaurant the waitress is there to take our drink order. We’ve been here a million times it seems so we both order our food right away. We have an hour before we need to get on the road to the airport but who knows what traffic is going to be like. Better to leave early and be early than to leave on time and be late.
“So,” Alexa starts, testing the waters in a way that only she can, which is anything but subtle. “You love him, don’t you?”
Anything but subtle. “Yeah. I think I do.”
“Well, I can tell that he loves you. You should see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. It practically made me gag a few times.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“It’s not that. It’s just…what are you going to do when you come back home in a few weeks? Roe looked like he would drop to one knee any second and you’re going to – what? Break up with him? Call it a summer fling?”
I know what she’s getting at. I’ve been over and over this same thing in my head for the past twelve hours. I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Every time I think I’ve made my decision, I change my mind, and then I change it back again.
“Honestly, Alexa, I don’t know. I want to hope for the best, I want to fight for our relationship to work but I have this feeling that it won’t. There are too many variables which don’t work in our favor. Distance being one of them. Our timing is off. If we were older, out of high school at least, I guess things could be different, but I don’t know. I can’t make up my mind. I know what I want but then I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for him.”
I don’t have to finish my thoughts because she does it for me. “Not if you have to fight the cancer again.”
“Exactly. I don’t want to go through that again and I sure as hell don’t want to put him through that. I think maybe I should let him go. When my vacation is done, I think I should say goodbye.”
“Can you do that?”
“I can try. My heart is going to be broken into a million pieces, but if I am sick I have to focus on getting better. What’s that saying? ‘Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’ I guess that’s how I’m
going to have to look at things.” Alexa can hear the defeat in my voice. I feel a cracking sensation spread through my chest. Saying it makes it real. Saying it out loud, telling Alexa, makes my decision final.
Before Alexa can reply, the waitress drops our food off. We both take a couple of bites, letting the reality of my situation sink in, before either of us speaks. Alexa finds the courage to speak first.
“I think that’s shitty, Mac. I think Roe is going to be just as broken as you and it’s not fair to either of you.”
She’s right. I don’t say anything because there’s really nothing left to say at this point. I focus on my plate, finish my food and start planning what I’m going to say to Roe when the time comes.
ROE
I was surprised that I wasn’t in trouble when I got home. My dad didn’t ask about my trip. He didn’t lecture me about lying or being responsible. I was at least expecting him to say something about using Grandma as my cover but he didn’t.
“Be careful with this girl, Monroe.”
That’s all he said and that’s all I can think about right now. I can see Mac’s face, smiling and happy. I can feel my heart beating wildly, anxious to see her tomorrow. Yet all I can think about is what my dad said and it makes me wonder how much he knows. Does he know more than I do?
I was finally able to fall asleep sometime around sunrise. Dad’s words haunted me all night long and my mind raced with thoughts of what he might know. Then my thoughts turned to Mac, wondering what will happen if she really is sick again. Will her doctors be able to help her? To heal her? To make her better?
What about us? I can’t leave her and I sure as hell can’t let her leave me. Not in two weeks and not ever. This girl is it. She’s the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I can feel it. Something in me has changed since meeting her. She makes me want so much more out of life, but that life has to include her.
Take a Gamble Page 8