Four Crows

by Lily White

  Nodding his head, his eyes darted away from me. I took that as a sign of guilt, but I couldn’t hold it against him. We’d both been playing each other since the very beginning.

  “Yeah, I knew. I was hoping you’d tell me something that confirmed my suspicions.” A bark of sad laughter burst from his lips. “I have to hand it to you, Maggie, you’re damn good at keeping a secret.”

  I would have laughed with him if the subject weren’t heartbreaking. “I learned from the best,” I replied, my voice empty of any solace or humor. “I was drilled by my fathers and brothers since the moment I made them aware I knew what they were doing was wrong. For years, lies have been shoved down my throat until I could regurgitate them under torture, if need be. I guess the only reason I was good at telling the lies was because there was a grain of truth in all of them. And if a question was asked where the answer held no truth, I learned how to change the subject.”

  Placing the gun in his lap, he flexed the hand that had been holding it. Just seeing him relax helped me relax as well.

  His mouth opened a few times, but he closed it again without saying a word. He was battling himself again, questions and comments floating around in that head of his that bothered him more than he wanted me to know. Finally shaking away the emotions that held him prisoner within himself, he glanced up at me and gave me a downhearted smile.

  “Those things we did at the other farm, when I touched you and –“

  “Elliot,” I tried to stop him before he got the words out. I knew he’d used me, but I wanted to hold on to those memories as they were without knowing the truth of why he’d kissed me, held me or touched me in ways that made my body sing. If he never explained why, then I could go on convincing myself that he’d wanted to be with me in that way. I could keep lying even when I didn’t believe my own lies.

  “No, Maggie. Let me say this.”

  Turning my head, I attempted to avert my eyes, but he grabbed my chin and carefully directed my gaze back to his. The warmth of his skin on mine was staggering, the rough texture of his fingers reminding me of what they’d felt like on my body. A breath shuddered from my lungs, but I didn’t attempt to turn away again.

  “I didn’t do those things only because I was using you for information. Technically, yes, it started out that way. But, over the days that we sat talking, I started to care about you. I didn’t want to. Hell, I wanted to hate you as much as I hated your family. But I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. You’re a victim of your family just as much as every person they stole from the world. They used you and abused you in ways that are unforgiveable and cruel. Yet, despite everything they put you through, despite every horrible bit of suffering you’ve had to witness in your life, you still have a light inside of you that is breathtaking when you allow it to be seen.”

  My eyes widened in response to his confession, my heart beating harder in my chest with hope rekindling itself in my veins.

  “You remind me so much of Katelyn because of that light. And I pray to God, to the universe, to the heavens above that you never lose that light. I wasn’t lying when I told you I wanted you to run away, to get married and to have babies and raise them to be as beautiful as you. The only thing I was lying about was the fact that I could be the man by your side.”

  He’d fed the fire inside me just seconds ago, but with the words he was voicing now, he’d doused the warmth of the flames.

  “Is it because of what happened to your family? For the part I played?”

  Another tragic smile pulled at his lips, his eyes shadowed by memory and hidden thoughts I feared he’d never reveal fully. “You were only four at the time. There was no way you could have known what your family was doing. I don’t blame you for what happened to them.” Swallowing hard, he reached up to rub his eyes. His head fell back and my gaze followed the long line of his throat, my hand itching to reach out to feel the rough surface of stubble against my palm.

  “I can’t be that man because I don’t plan on living once I’m done. When they took my family, they took my life. All I’ve been doing for the past fourteen years is going through the motions of what living actually means. But I haven’t been alive since the day my wife and son died.”

  A tear slipped from my eye and I could no longer tolerate the distance between us. Pushing forward from where I sat, I moved slowly over the ground, crawling on hands and knees, and ignoring the way Elliot protested with his eyes when I climbed into the warmth of his lap. The gun fell between his legs, and at first, he attempted to keep from touching me back, but within a few seconds I felt him lose his resolve. I released a breath I’d been holding when his arms wrapped around my body.

  “I don’t want you to die,” I whispered. “I never want you out of my life.”

  His arms tightened around me, his chest moving rhythmically with his breath. Breathing in, I inhaled his masculine scent, memories of the times we’d shared beating down on me with the threat that they would never happen again.

  The tears fell harder, but I fought against them. For once, I wanted to be brave. I wanted to save someone. And I wanted that someone to be the man who held me close despite everything we’d done to one another.

  If ever two souls had been fused together through violence, despair and pain, it was Elliot and I. He might be able to let that bond go, but I wouldn’t go down without a fight.

  “Damn it, Maggie,” he whispered. “I wasn’t supposed to like you this much. It’s wrong in so many ways.”

  Soft laughter shook my shoulders. “Well, you better get used to it. And you better stop talking like you’re dying any time soon.”

  “There’s not much you can do to stop me, beautiful.”

  I didn’t want to pull away from him and lose the warmth that surrounded me, but I did just enough that I could look him in the eyes.

  “There’s a lot I can do, Elliot. And I’ll start with refusing to help you find your way back to my house. We’ll go right back to where we were an hour ago. Then what will you do?”

  His lips twitched in response to the silly threat. “Well, as soon as you crawl off my lap again, I guess I’ll grab my gun and we’ll be right back where we started.”

  “You wouldn’t do that,” I argued, “Shooting me would just destroy my light.”

  Angling his head forward, he pressed his forehead to mine. “You’re getting better at standing your ground, little girl. But this is just another conversation we’ll have to save for another time. We need to get going. We’ve got a long drive to make, a woman we need to save, and three Crows that need to die.”

  I agreed with him about two of those Crows. It was the third one – my father – that still tore at my heart. I’d come up with a plan on the way back to the house. I’d figure out something to make things right.

  Pushing away to stand up, I was surprised when Elliot pulled me back to him, and I was even more surprised when his lips fell on mine.

  Is it possible to cheat on a lover if they no longer occupy the same world as you? What if that lover was a soulmate? A person so indelibly attached that they’d become a part of who you are?

  If any person had asked me those questions even twenty-four hours earlier, I would have answered yes.

  The first time I kissed Maggie, I’d gone home and drowned myself in alcohol just to chase the guilt away. I’d apologized to the woman I’d lost, the woman who’d stolen my heart just when it learned how to love in the first place. Convincing myself that I wasn’t falling for the girl who’s family had destroyed the best parts of me – convincing myself that kissing her had simply been a means to an end – I’d indulged in the act of enjoying her without fear of the guilt creeping back in when I laid my head on my pillow each night.

  There wasn’t any excuse for the way I was kissing her now. I wasn’t an operative in search for covert information. My actions were no longer a means to an end. She knew the truth of all the secrets and lies I’d kept between us, and there weren’t any walls erected tha
t kept my heart from beating again.

  For as much as it hurt, I couldn’t let her go. I didn’t know if that made me crazy or just stupid, but regardless of the answer, I pulled her closer so that the warmth of her body could seep into my skin.

  Lost in the way her lips moved against mine, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was cheating on my spouse, but at the same time, I couldn’t continue lying to myself that Maggie didn’t matter.

  She’d crawled her way into my thoughts and heart. She’d melded herself to my soul while I hadn’t been aware of what she was doing.

  Her confession tonight had rocked me to the core of my being. She didn’t want me to die. She didn’t care that I would hurt her family. All she wanted was for me to remain by her side and lead her into a new and beautiful life.

  The girl had more faith in me than I had in myself, but I was thankful for that faith despite not knowing whether I could deliver what she needed when all was said and done.

  I caught myself questioning the possibility of a future with the woman in my arms, but I there was still one truth staring me in the face – a truth that had me breaking off the kiss and pushing her from my lap: Until I had my revenge and closed the final chapter on the woman I’d loved in the past, I was in no position to begin a life with the woman who could be my entire future.

  Death might not have to be the final answer. Rebirth could be found in Maggie’s arms.

  Wiping at her lips with the back of her hand, she flashed me a hesitant look, a thousand unspoken questions flowing behind the lush green of her gentle gaze.

  “Did I do something wrong?” she finally dared to ask.

  Giving her an easy grin, I slid my thumb along the line of her jaw. “No, beautiful, you didn’t. You did nothing but help me pry open my pain-swollen eyes.”

  “Did you have to drive entirely across the damn state to drag me away? Damn, woman, my ass is numb from how long I’ve been sitting in this seat.”

  Taking my eyes off the road for a moment, I noticed Maggie sitting passively beside me. We’d been driving for two hours now, and it was only when we stopped to ask for directions that we were informed she’d taken me over state lines and practically crossed another before stopping for gas. If I hadn’t woken up when I did, we’d be in another country by now.

  Several times, I thought she was drifting off to sleep. The radio wasn’t playing and the windows were rolled down – the soft hiss of wind enough to knock any person unconscious while being lulled to rest by the soft vibration of tires against the smooth asphalt of the highway.

  Shaking herself of whatever thoughts had her caught in their silent grasp, she turned to look at me with eyes that were downcast with emotion.

  “It’s like a told you before,” she finally answered, her voice rough with the sleep she refused to allow herself, “I tried to get as far away as possible, as fast as possible.” Shrugging a tired shoulder, she yawned.

  “I thought if I took roads that weren’t familiar to me, I’d get myself so lost that you couldn’t force me to take you back immediately.”

  Seconds of silence passed before a sullen laugh filled the space between us. “Guess I was wrong. I never figured you for the type that would threaten a woman with a gun to her head.”

  A grin tilted my lips. “Well, that makes two of us, then.” My eyes darted to her for a second hoping to catch her eyes, but she’d already turned to stare out the passenger window.

  The silence was putting me to sleep, and I didn’t have time to pull over and rest when there was a woman’s life on the line. I’d left her family bound to their chairs, and I hoped they hadn’t broken free, that they hadn’t had the opportunity to do anything but wait for my return. If I was lucky, the woman had woken up and left, most likely run to the police, and those bastard Crows were sitting behind bars.

  No. That wouldn’t be lucky for me entirely. I wanted them dead, not locked in a barred box being fed by taxpayer money.

  Clearing my throat, I filled the silence, repeating her words back to her. “I never figured you for the type that could knock a man my size flat on his ass and kidnap him.”

  From my peripheral vision, I saw her turn to stare at me.

  “I’ll admit you’ve got some brass balls, Maggie. Once again, you took me by surprise. You have a funny way of doing that.”

  “Doing what?”

  Her voice was hesitant and unsure when she asked the question. It occurred to me then that not many people in her life had explained to her the effect she had on them.

  “You’re a strong woman. My mother would have said you were the type of woman who was full of piss and vinegar. The type that breaks rules and toes lines. She has a fondness for those types because they’re the ones who leave their mark on history.”

  Seconds passed with her silent contemplation before she shook her head and returned her gaze to the forest that moved past us in a blur. “I’ve never known a woman like that.”

  A bark of laughter rattled my chest. “Yeah, you have. Every time you look in the mirror, you met a woman like that. You just didn’t know it.”

  It broke my heart to realize Maggie had no clue about the type of person she was. Naked bravery wrapped up in a pretty package, she was a bird that had its wings clipped since the moment its captors realized it could fly. It boggled me how a father could cripple his own child. I would have never done that to my son. It would have made me proud to see him become a stronger man than me, to see him make his mark on the world with power, grace and the loyalty I would have taught him if I’d been given the chance. The thought made me hate Jonah more for what he’d done. I questioned the reasons why he could love someone as much as he loved his daughter, but prevent her from becoming the powerful person she should have been.

  “What’s it like?” Maggie asked, the question so random and out of the blue that I wrenched my neck to look over at her.

  Her head turned for only a second and her eyes met mine, but they closed again on some unspoken thought before she turned back to staring at nothing.

  Training my eyes back on the road, I waited a moment to think about her question. Not having the faintest clue what she was asking, I finally responded, “What’s what like?”

  “Losing somebody you love. What is it like having to continue living when you know you’ll never see that person again?”

  Damn. Of all the questions she could have asked, why did it have to be that one?

  The answers eluded me because there were no words to describe the amount of loss a person suffers when someone they love is stripped away. A part of your soul is sliced clean in that moment and your life is branded with the pain that flows in to alter you in unspeakable ways.

  Learning to love someone, and to lose them, is a study in change and metamorphosis.

  One morning you wake up and look in the mirror to see the man you’ve always been. You go out that day, completely unaware that destiny is coming, and you stumble upon a woman who smiles in your direction and attaches herself to your every thought.

  The next morning you wake again, but that man in the mirror isn’t the same. He has a smile on his face and a song in his heart and he’s looking forward to a future where he would see that woman again.

  Every day he changes. Every day he grows into the man he needs to be for the woman he loves, and for some unknown reason, loves him in return.

  Her love strengthens the man. It molds him and builds him into everything nature has endowed him to be. Days and months pass by. He grows. He changes. He loves more fiercely than he ever imagined possible. And then something comes from that love. His child. Her child. Another life that forces him to look in the mirror once more and discover he’d changed again.

  The man no longer lives for himself, but for that woman and child. His future is written in stone, his mind set on all the possibilities of what that future can bring. He loves with all his heart. His mind is consumed with ideas on how to be a husband and father. He breaks his body doing hard la
bor just to provide for the family he’d created. But the muscle pain is bearable, only because he knows that he’ll go home and have it smoothed away by the kiss of the woman he loves, and by the hug of the child that had become his entire world.

  To have that family ripped away, to have it stolen when his back was turned as he gave up his freedom to provide for that family – there are no words to describe what it does to that man.

  I look in the mirror now and see nothing but an empty shell. Large holes cut out my heart and soul in the shape of my wife and son. Jagged edges left in their place that if I try to touch them slice into me until I have no choice but to pull my hand away.

  Losing someone you love alters reality itself, because the world is no longer the same without them in it. There’s always something missing, something you know will never be replaced.

  There are no words, but I tried to come up with some anyway.

  “Losing someone you love is the most painful experience you’ll ever live through, Maggie. It’s like taking a bucket full of happiness and peace, and emptying it out until it’s vacant and hollow, only to stuff it full again with every negative emotion you can think of to fill up the insides.”

  She didn’t speak when my voice started breaking apart on those words. She simply sat in still silence, waiting for me to gather enough strength to start talking again.

  “I’d been alone before I met Katelyn. But I was never lonely. I had my friends. My parents. My hobbies and interests. I’d been satisfied with the world and didn’t think I wasn’t entirely whole. When I met her, I realized in that precise moment our eyes first locked that half of me was missing. And after finding my other half, I realized I had been lonely all along, I just hadn’t understood what that meant.”

  Hating the smile that graced my lips when I thought back to her, I wanted to close my eyes and see her face, but it wasn’t the right time to lose myself to that small bit of paradise. With my eyes still on the road, I let those images swirl in the back of my mind before allowing the storm clouds to come rolling in to chase them away.