by Key, Liana
She looked down, which surprised me. "No I'm not," she whispered, and her hand touched her hair that covered the scar, as if checking that it was indeed hiding it. It was a feeling I knew, always checking my sleeve, my bandage, a subconscious habit.
The door opened, Mom brought out a tray of drinks. Magdala went and helped her bring out the food. I pulled a few extra chairs up to the table and the five of us sat around eating lunch. Mom and Dad kept the conversation going, though it was all very general and non-personal. I went in the pool later, Emmalee did too, but Magdala refrained, saying she had to work later. She laid on the sun lounger and watched. I went back and joined her, pulling my chair close. I held her hand as we laid there, wishing we could have another go at lovemaking, wondering if it improved exponentially with every time. I wondered when we'd get another opportunity, she was leaving next week. She checked the time and said she'd better get a move on. She was working from three until ten and her father was going to drop her off and then pick her up. It made me wonder if she didn't like driving at night. I held her hand as we went to the car. Mom was in the kitchen, I pulled my hand away, but I wasn't quick enough. I know she saw it.
And the minute I returned from waving Magdala goodbye the questions started.
"Are you dating?" she asked, her tone incredulous, but a hint of a sparkle in her eyes.
"Dating?" I said it as if it was a meaningless, old fashioned term that I didn't understand.
"Yes, dating!" Mom said, unfazed. She appeared to be pleased by the prospect. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"We've only met up a few times," I said trying to sound casual.
"But that's lovely," she said, "that's so nice." Nice, I wondered, like I was only capable of hand holding and kisses on the cheek nice?
"Mom..." I scolded, hoping she'd see I was growing up, not a kid anymore.
"Oh, I'm pleased for you Flynn," she said with a smile.
"She's going away next week. On holiday," I said.
"Oh but she'll be back," Mom said, and she prattled on for a bit, so I went to tidy my room.
MAGDALA
It had been a long afternoon and evening at work and my feet were sore and I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I thought of Nathan, and wondered what he was doing. Whether he had met someone new. And then I shut the thought down, made it go away. I thought of Flynn and smiled at how he called me second best and beautiful. Nathan had called me beautiful.
Dad had picked me up from work. I didn't like going to the carpark in the dark, I didn't even like driving in the dark now. I didn't like the dark at all. I was alive, I was lucky. Flynn kissed along my scar today, I felt it, but he didn't say anything. And when I saw Dr Surridge it reminded me, and knowing she knows, it felt too weird. How will I ever keep it a secret from Flynn? He's bound to find out, sooner or later. And then I think his opinion of me will change. No more beautiful, not even second best.
I'm in bed, alone, my tv going on mute, crying into my pillow. It feels like I'm living a lie, it feels like I'm a fraud, I'm pretending to be this girl that I'm not. He's in love with me, but it's not the real me. Nathan loved the real me, the real me that I use to be. No one knows the new me, not even me. What am I even doing? I have no idea. I'm moving on, living life, but it feels like I'm acting. It feels like...I don't know what it feels like.
I get up early the next morning, just because I am so hungry. I'd only had a snack during my work break, and I hadn't felt like eating at ten when I got home. Cassian is eating a bowl of cereal. He looks up and smiles, "You don't look the greatest."
"I didn't sleep that good." He beckons me over, I sit down next to him and he puts his arm around me.
"What's up Magdala?" he asks. He seems particularly bright and chipper. "Are you okay?" I haven't checked my face. Are my eyes all puffy?
"I'm fine," I say, "just hungry." I get up to get a bowl and spoon, fill my plate with Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, which is what he is having. I sit down across from him, in the chair Nathan sat on when he was here. There again, why is fucking Nathan coming to mind again. I feel like I want to cry. But Cassian, he has always told me growing up, Don't cry Magdala, don't cry. He never cries. Once he stood on some glass and had a huge piece sticking out of his foot and he didn't cry. Once his finger got jammed in the car door and he still didn't cry, though I had bawled my eyes out. I'd thought his finger had been chopped off. That's why I try to only cry at night, in my room, so no one can see me or hear me.
"Hey," he says, "I hear you went to Flynn's yesterday. How was that?"
"Yeah, it was good." I pour milk into my bowl."You like him?"
"Yeah, I like him." I don't say anything about telling Flynn I love him.
"You're not rushing it?" he asks.
"You sound like Jakey," I say, not making eye contact. Everybody says don't rush it. But of course it's too late. "Are you working?" I need to change the subject.
"Yes, my last shift before holidays." He finishes his cornflakes and stands up, goes and makes himself a coffee, offers me one too. "You all packed?"
"I'll start today," I say. But I probably won't. I'll probably wait till the last minute and just throw some clothes into a suitcase. He brings our coffees back to the table.
"I think it'll be good to get away," he says, "to get out of the city. Yeah?"
I nod. Maybe it's what I need, a break, from everything, everyone. Maybe everything is moving too fast with Flynn. Maybe I have rushed it. Maybe I just need to slow things down a little, relax and clear my head.
I visit Flynn the day before we fly to Mexico City. His parents are at work, but his brother and sister are home. He doesn't care, he locks his bedroom door and smooths out his bedcovers and we lie down. For a moment I think of Cassian and his meticulous room, and how he'd freak out at Flynn's untidiness. I smile, and Flynn asks why.
"Just admiring your housekeeping skills," I joke.
He kicks all his clothes into a pile into a corner and asks, "Any better?" We lie on the bed. "I'm gonna miss you," he says.
"You'll probably have forgotten me by Friday," I say.
He looks at me oddly. "Why would you say that?" I shrug. I've covered my scar with make up today. Antonia had taught me how to. If I take my time, I can make it invisible, the make up is that good. "I'm not going to forget you any time soon," he reassures. So much for slowing things down. Flynn starts to undress, pulling down his shorts. I give him a look that he should close the blinds. I pull my dress over my head, snuggle up close to him. He puts his good arm around me.
"I love you," he says, his voice soft, his mouth nibbling at my ear. I giggle. I rearrange my hair, and I don't want him kissing my neck, so I bring my lips onto his, my tongue pushes through into his mouth. His hand tugs on my panties, then squeezes my ass.. It feels like he's getting more adventurous, but I don't want him to go down there with his mouth, to see that scar, so I pull his underwear down, and rub his already hard cock. He groans and I move to the centre of the narrow bed, so he can come on top of me. He pushes inside me and it hurts a bit because the angle isn't right. I have to shift under him, and finally he glides into me.
"You okay?" he checks and I smile affirmatively. We move together, and I almost wish it would be over. He's not hurting me, but I'm not feeling it, I'm wondering if Cassian wasn't wrong, that Jakey wasn't wrong, that I've been too hasty. Everything just feels wrong. Flynn doesn't know the truth about me, that my life is a lie, I've acted without real thought, forced myself into the relationship just so I could forget what happened. Flynn finishes up and rolls off me, smiling. I smile back, kiss his shoulder and hold him. I don't want him to think anything's wrong - it's not his fault. My mind is just a mix of confused thoughts and emotions - Its too soon, You should have waited, You've lied to Flynn, He's seen your scar, The truth will come out, What's Nathan doing, Dr Surridge knows the truth, You're going away for the summer.
"I'm really going to miss you Magdala," he says, and I believe him, but I can't return it.
; Instead I say, "I'll be back before you know it."
But I don't come back for six weeks, just the week before school starts. And everything is a mess. I haven't heard from Flynn since the first week when we were in Mexico City. We texted a few times, but when we got to our resort at Punta de Mita on the Pacific coast, Aunt Kate declared us technology free and took our phones off us. After two days none of us missed them. Only Devon was allowed to keep the Go-pro for photos. I hadn't realized Devon was coming along for the whole trip. I thought he was just doing Mexico City, but he even came on the cruise. Devon is the son of Kate's best friend and he, Jakey and Cash have always been at school together.
Devon has always flirted with me, for years actually, but Jakey has always told him I am off limits. And besides I've never looked at Devon like that, in fact he's almost like another brother. But he likes to do all the things we like, so we hang out. He's a pretty good surfer, so we spend a lot of time on the waves and he's a maniac on the jet ski.
By time we get to the cruise, and on learning that Flynn hasn't been in touch, Devon becomes more attentive. You would think that with texting, email, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and every other app out there that Flynn and I would connect, but we don't. I wonder if it's because he didn't hear from me for two weeks, whether he thinks I'm over him. Or worse, I'm wondering if he's found out the truth about me. If he has, I don't want to know, I don't think I could face him. I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to see me again.
When Cash and I go to Honolulu, Jakey and Devon fly to Houston where Devon's grandparents live. They plan on visiting with them for awhile and then doing a road trip. It sounded like trouble to me. Without Cassian or Raff as a calming influence you could bet those two would get up to plenty of mischief.
Cassian only stayed in Honolulu for five days. He changed plans suddenly because he said he had to get back to work, otherwise he'd lose his job. I could hardly hold him back. He'd been playing golf with Ben, my mother's husband. Ben is a professor of anthropology at the university where Mom works. He's a few years older than my mother, he's German and had never been married before. They seem an unlikely couple. But I guess they have their books and history in common. He's always been good to Cassian and me, though up to now it was usual for him to keep to himself. But these holidays he and Cash played golf everyday, and Ben seemed more disappointed than me when Cash left to go home.
Cassian left here on the Sunday night and I rang home on Wednesday, just to chat, and to say hello to Damon and Dominique who I was missing. Dad came on the phone at the end, and before I said goodbye, I said, "Say hi to Cash from me."
Dad said, "What?"
"Say hi to Cash," I repeated.
"What do you mean?" Dad said, with an annoyed tone. "You say hi."
"Duh, he's home, isn't he?" I said, trying to register what Dad was implying.
"He's coming home on Saturday," Dad said sharply, like he wanted to finish the conversation.
"Um, he left on Sunday night," I said. "He said he had to work."
There was moments of silence, then Dad's voice, "What the fuck? Get Martha on the line."
I called to my mother, who talked, then Ben was on the line. He was the one who took Cash to the airport. I asked for my phone back so I could text Cash. Dad hung up and rang my mother's number. Ben started checking the airline that he flew on. Cash didn't answer my call, it went to voicemail. I texted him: Cash? Where are you? Dad says you're not home.
His reply came back almost straight away: I'm back, but I'm not at home.
I grabbed Mom's phone and told Dad. Dad hung up and said he'd ring him. Ben was about to check missing persons. It was the craziest scenario. Of all the people in the world it seemed unbelievable that Cassian could be missing. My mother, Ben and I all came up with possible stories of where he might be, what he might be doing, who he might be with. Even being kidnapped was on our list. I wondered if he'd met up with Jakey and Devon in Texas. I texted Raff, who was at home; he hadn't heard from him. He rang Jakey, but Jakey wasn't answering. I rang Antonia, who said Dad was talking to Cash as we spoke. She must have been eavesdropping on that conversation while trying to relay it to me. It was like a comedy of errors. Then Dad came onto Antonia's phone and told me that he was with a girl, up in Carmel. I asked What girl? Cassian had never had a girlfriend. Though I was reminded of one time when he smelt of perfume. Though he had said it was just someone in his tennis training squad spraying it around. Dad said he didn't say, he wouldn't say. It was the most intriguing thing I'd ever heard. Cash sneaking off with a girl, so out of character, so reckless.
The phones rang hot all evening, Raff, Aunt Kate, Antonia again. And then the most interesting. Jakey phoned.
"I hear our boy took off," he said, and I knew he had me on speaker phone so Devon was probably listening as well.
"He said he had to get back to work," I said, still puzzled by the whole event.
"I bet he did," he said mysteriously
"What? What do you know?" I demanded. "What's with this girlfriend?" Had I been so wrapped up in my own misery that my eyes were closed to what was going on around me?
"I can't say, but I think I know who he's with," he said.
"Who? Who's he with?"
"I'm sworn to secrecy, Magdala," he laughed. "I can't tell you!" It sounded like he thought it was funny, a joke even.
"Fuck you Jakey," I said angrily, "tell me."
"Whoa babe!" That was Devon's voice. "Calm down babe, watch the language." I pictured him smirking. I ignored him.
"What do you know?" I asked again.
"It's not my place to tell you," Jakey said, now with authority. "Cash needs to tell you."
"Hey, Mags, how's Wai-ki-key?" Devon asked, drawing out the syllables. I hated him calling me Mags. I thought he was probably drunk, or close to it. Again I ignored him.
"Are you having a good time?" Jakey asked, his voice softer now.
"Yeah I'm having a blast," I said sarcastically.
"Hey, baby girl," Jakey appeased, "I mean it, are you okay?" There was a pause. "I'm off the speaker. Tell me, are you okay?"
I hesitated, my chin started to quiver. I didn't want to break down, but I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Cassian with a secret girlfriend, Jakey in on it. Me in the dark, clueless.
"Magdala?"
I sucked up a shaky breath and said, "I'm fine."
"I miss you," Jakey said. "Fucking Devon is driving me crazy. We'll be home on Sunday." When I didn't answer, he kept talking, "Hey, don't worry about Cash, he'll be fine, it's just, just a new thing for him, so I'm sure he'll tell you about it. But don't stress out okay? Just ride those waves, okay?"
"Yeah," I said, though my mood wasn't improved.
"You promise you're okay?" Now he sounded worried.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I affirmed.
"Okay," he said, "I'll see you in a week then. Love you."
"Same," I said, then realized that's what I use to say to Nathan. In the background I heard Devon shout, "I love you too, Mags," and I half smiled.
Devon was fearless on the JetSki and the speeds he went at first terrified me, had me screaming in his ear, but he'd just say, "Hold tighter babe!" Every morning at the resort, it happened that Connor, Devon and I would hit the surf early, Kate, Ariana and Raff would hit the pool and Jakey and Cassian would hit the gym. Then we would all meet for breakfast. And decide what our plans for the day were.
One day we hired a minivan and drove to a waterfall and rock pool. We stopped at a coffee plantation on the way. We were doing typical tourist things, and Connor acted like he was the tour guide. We were swimming in the pool, cool crisp water on the edge of a jungle, a postcard picture setting and we had chosen a spot away from other visitors. Everyone was in the water, splashing, diving under, jumping off the rocks. The boys, Ariana, and I were lined up taking turns bombing off a rock. Kate kept shouting out to us to check the water, she didn't want any broken necks. She and Connor were smooching in the shallow water, it
was amusing to see how affectionate with each other they were. Aunt Kate's bikini was skimpier than mine, I was in my bikini top but had my board shorts on. I was lined up behind Ariana to jump again. Devon had just jumped and Ari was waiting for the water to calm down. Suddenly Jakey yelled, "Bug on your leg, Magdala!" There were a lot of spiders, insects, creepy crawlers around, and I'm not usually afraid of such things, but looking down, a big bug was crawling up my thigh. I squealed, it moved higher, and I immediately pulled my board shorts down and jumped out of them, shouting, "Is it gone? Where is it?" while jumping and dancing a jig at the same time. Ari screamed with me, but the boys were laughing.
"It's gone, it's gone," Jakey shouted and I looked down to check, hoping it hadn't gone in my bikini bottoms. "It flew off," Jakey said, laughing. But I noticed he was staring at me.
"Are you sure?" I asked, looking down and checking my back. Now all the boys were staring, and it had gone silent and I looked down, half expecting to see a humongous bug on my leg but it hit me what they were looking at. My scar. Running from the centre of my thigh an inch below my bikini going all the way into my groin. There was no finishing point visible. Cassian was suddenly standing next to me, having just jumped up onto the rock. He swiftly picked up my shorts, shook them out, turned me around and handed them to me. The boys started splashing again.
"It's gone," Cash said, and he looked into my eyes for a moment, shock on his face. He put his arm on my shoulder and I balanced on him as I pulled my shorts back on. "Okay?" he asked and I nodded. He pulled me close for just a fraction and his arm lingered on my back.
"Should I jump?" Ari asked and the boys yelled at her to, and then Cash smiled and gave me a gentle shove and I fell in behind her. We continued on as if no one had seen anything. But later that night Jakey and Raff came up to me after dinner and for no reason whatsoever hugged me.
FLYNN
Magdala texted me from Mexico City a few times that first week she was gone, then she sent a text saying: no phone for 2 weeks :(